I Will Love You 'til My Muzzle Turns Grey (12/?)
Title: I Will Love You 'til My Muzzle Turns Grey (12/?)
Author: spnkinkfan.livejournal.com
Pairing: J2/C2
Word Count: 1897
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Warnings: Lots of dialogue ahead, angst and pain.
Disclaimer: Don't own, would love to stake a mutual claim though.
A/N: I know it's been too long and I apologize for that. I promise I won't abandon this, I've invested too much and we're too close to wrapping up. My life is total chaos right now, though, and I am doing my best. So much to do that no matter what I am doing I always feel like I should be doing something else. Thank you all for your patience, and for your support through this. You are all so amazing to me. I can't seem to get into the scrapbook to add the banner, so I will try to edit that in later. Of course LJ has to be a pain in the ass too because nothing can go easy right now.
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Jared's hands stilled. "What?"
Jensen forced his eyes open and slid slightly away from Jared. He tried to focus past the pain and exhaustion, fearing one wrong word would send Jared running again. "Jared - "
"No, don't Jared me. What do you mean you'll die? What if I hadn't been taken by those assholes today? What if we can't work things out? What happens to you if we aren't together?" Jared's worry and frustration got the best of him for a moment. Seeing how deeply his words were cutting, the pain from so many hurts so clear on Jensen's face, he drew a calming breath and stroked his thumb across the suffering Alpha's creased forehead. "The doc said being apart could kill you, so it isn't just if I die first is it?"
He hated to admit how badly it had affected him, letting Jared go, but he could not lie. "I don't know, based on the physical symptoms and the rate I've been deteriorating, it's highly likely. Alphas have a stronger constitution than regular werewolves so nobody really knew for sure. I am the first documented case study."
"Case study?! You're in pain, possibly dying, and they're using you as a guinea pig?"
"Calm down Jared," Jensen's soft voice was a distinct contrast against Jared's protective anger.
"Calm down?" Disbelief and frustration warred in his voice.
Jensen sighed, "As far as we know this is the first time an Alpha has been rejected by their mate - "
"I didn't reject you - "
" - and nobody really knew what to expect. Werewolves mate for life and when one of a mated pair dies, the other usually follows close after. The physical symptoms started not long after you left and kept getting worse. The medicaes from our pack and a few others wanted to keep a record of my symptoms. I said no at first, but I realized it could happen to someone else and letting them document it might help whoever it happened to. I couldn't say no if it might help someone else."
"You're always thinking of others aren't you? Even before your own well-being," Jared thought of the sacrifices Jensen must have made over the years and could not keep the sadness out of his voice.
"That's what it means to be Alpha. It's not power and prestige, it's taking care of your people, of your pack. It's protecting your territory and everyone in it. It's keeping your pack safe and making sure everyone obeys the laws that govern us all. Making sure everyone finds and can be with their mates." Jensen's eyes slid closed again, his impassioned words leaving him feeling wrung out.
"Even when you aren't with yours." Guilt welled up inside Jared. The thought that Jensen was suffering physically as well as emotionally the whole time and was still more worried about his mate's happiness than his own made Jared ache.
"All I'm saying is I would never force you to do anything. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."
"Yeah, that's the mentality that kept you from calling me for so long," Jared teased and was rewarded with a small smirk. He knew, given his past, if Jensen had reached out to him during their months apart he probably would have run as far as he could get. He hesitated for a moment and then barreled in before he could lose his nerve, "Jensen, I have something I need to tell you, something about - "
"Chad?" Jensen's green eyes gazed up at him, swimming in a mix of concern and something else Jared could not quite pinpoint.
Jared stared at Jensen, shocked. "You...you knew?" Betrayal flashed across his face as he wondered how long the other man had known.
"I didn't. I just found out today. After Ted's people ambushed us, Christian and the twins were hurt pretty bad. Chad came to be with his mate - "
"Christian," Jared interjected. Jensen nodded slightly.
" - Christian, Chad was afraid he might not make it. Hell, so was I. He came to me to pass judgement on him."
"What does that mean?"
Jensen squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, trying to center his emotions. He was hurting so bad and wondered if the bone-deep exhaustion would be with him for the rest of his life. He feared the rage that would come with the thoughts of what Chad had done. He opened them again and looked up into Jared's cat-like eyes and started from the beginning.
"Chad was a late-changer. Not everyone has their first change. Some live their entire lives with it latent in their systems. Those who do change have their first change around the time puberty sets in. It is incredibly rare for the first time to occur later than that, but it does happen. When it does, they need special care and a lot of help. Something about the delay causes the hormones and pheromones to go haywire. If they don't get the right help they lose their minds, go completely feral, and have to be put down."
"Holy shit," Jared breathed.
"Chad's pack did not have the resources to help him. By the time we found out about him and took him in, it looked like it might have already been too late. Misha was doing everything he could, but Chad's aggression was out of control. Christian came with me one day. We hadn't given up hope, but we knew we had to be ready just in case." Jensen's voice was just a whisper. All he really wanted was to let go and slide into oblivion, and Jared's gentle fingers running through his hair did nothing to quell that urge. He knew that he owed Jared an explanation, though, and he needed to figure out what to do about Chad still.
"So he saw Christian and snapped out of it?" Jared tried to imagine his ex turning from rabid dog to loving companion like the flick of a switch and couldn't.
Jensen chuckled and winced, hand pressed to the claw wound on his stomach as it pulled. "No, not even close. The connection was there, they both felt it, but it took awhile for Chad to be coherent enough to process what was happening. Once we realized they were mates, though, I made sure Christian was able to be here as much as possible, hoping it would help him heal. Once he started coming back to himself, he fell into a severe depression. Christian never told me details and I didn't push for them. Chad told me today that not even his mate knew the whole story. he only knew that Chad had done something he was deeply ashamed of. Christian had told me once he was terrified Chad would waste away and die under the burden of it, but he had refused to talk about it."
"Is that even possible?" Jared found himself fascinated despite his distress over the topic. Could these seemingly powerful beings really succumb and die from emotional trauma when most weapons couldn't even kill them?
Jensen nodded slightly. "Yes, but it's not something that happens quickly. It -" he hesitated, uncertain of how much he should say. If he continued, he would be revealing the extent of his own suffering, however indirectly, and he did not want Jared any more upset than he already was. It would come out eventually, though. Might as well rip the band-aid off all at once and deal with the fallout now instead of down the road.
"It takes time. Enough emotional pain turns to physical symptoms with anyone, it's just more pronounced with us sometimes. They stop eating and sleeping. Because of our higher metabolisms we need to eat more often, so even a couple of missed meals is bad."
"How many have you missed because of me?" Jared's voice, low and close to Jensen's ear, was laced with guilt. It made Jensen's heart ache to hear it.
"Jared, you can't possibly think this is all your fault. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you what I was and what you meant to me." Green eyes pleaded with Jared not to shoulder the guilt alone.
"If you had told me you were a werewolf I probably would have thought you'd lost your mind. I did think you'd lost your mind when you told me even though the proof was right in front of me. I've been so messed up for so long after what happened, I have a hard time trusting."
The reference to what Chad had done brought a low growl from the Alpha. Jared felt it reverberate through his body as a thrill of primal fear marched up his spine.
"Have you eaten at all today?" Jared was alarmed to realize he could feel Jensen's body trembling. His eyes swept over the long, muscular body beside him checking for signs of bleeding. Thankfully there was none, but he was still pale and cool to the touch. Jared wondered if the higher metabolism was supposed to come with a higher body temperature and filed the question away for later. He seemed to recall Jensen always being almost too warm to the touch before. The faerie-dusting of freckles across his cheeks and nose stood dark against the colourless backdrop. Jared carefully slid himself closer and gently wrapped himself around Jensen as much as possible, pulling the covers up over them and hoping his own body heat would help.
Jensen nuzzled Jared's neck, breathing in the smell of home and wondered how long he would be able to hold onto it. "Not much, been a little busy," he smirked against the soft skin of Jared's throat.
Jared thought about how close he'd come to not being able to have this conversation, not being able to even try to work things out, twice already that day. He reached his long arm over to the bedside stand to grab the full glass of water there as Misha's words rang through his head again.
"The longer you've been apart, the weaker he's been getting and the worse his pain has been. He's fought for his life twice today, he's lost a lot of blood and in his weakened state I wouldn't even dare to venture a guess on his chances."
"Drink," he quietly ordered as he guided the bent straw to Jensen's full lips, "then sleep. Then food."
The battered Alpha took a long drink of the cool water, feeling slightly better for it. "There's still so much we need to talk about." He knew it would be the deepest sleep he'd had in months, snuggled up in Jared's arms, but he did not want to leave so many things unsaid. Not when it was so important for them to get everything out in the open.
"It will still be there. And so will I. Rest, food, then more talking. Please?"
Jensen felt a little odd being the one wrapped up in strong arms and protected. He was used to being the one guarding and caring for others. As he finally allowed himself to slide into healing sleep lulled by Jared softly humming, cheek pressed to Jensen's temple, he could admit to himself it was not a bad feeling.
Not a bad feeling at all.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 (Epilogue)