ELLENS JOURNAL (RECAP!)
RIGHT THEN.
FOLLOWIN' ON FROM JOHNS RECAP, ANNA REVEALED HER AND GABES NEWLY REMODELLED HOUSE. IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND TO CELEBRATE ANNA HAD A GIRLS NIGHT IN THEN ENSUED WITH TESS, BECKY, JESS AND MARY AND CULMINATED IN ALL OF THEM SHOWIN' OFF THEIR UNDERWEAR. WHICH...YEAH. TESSA AND JESS WERE KINDA MORTIFIED BY THE PICTURES BUT GOT OVER IT PRETTY QUICK. GOOD GIRLS. EVERYONE ELSE WAS IMPRESSED WITH ANNAS INTERIOR DESIGN SKILLS. PERHAPS UNSUPRISINGLY DUE TO MARYS RECENT MOODS, AN ARGUMENT BETWEEN HER AND JOHN STARTED UP OVER THE POOL HOUSE THAT ANNA REVAMPED FOR THEM. SOMETHIN' TO DO WITH JOHN AND A COUCH AND I THINK TWILIGHT WAS MENTIONED. I GOT NOTHIN'.
MOVIN' ON.
AVA DECIDED SHE HADN'T BEEN EVIL FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES SO SHE GOT ONE OF HER DEMON BUDDIES TO CURSE US ALL TO SING OUT OUR FEELINGS FOR TWENTY FOUR HOURS. EVERYONE TRIED TO KEEP THEMSELVES FROM OPENING THEIR MOUTHS AND FAILED MISERABLY. HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: DEAN AND TESS BEIN' CUTE, GABE AND DEAN FLIRTIN', MARY AND MICHAEL MAKIN' UP? KINDA?, MICHAEL AND LUCIFER MAKIN' UP, ADAM AND MICHAEL BREAKIN' EVERYONES HEARTS, DEAN AND MICHAEL...SOMETHIN'...I AIN'T SURE WHAT THAT WAS, TESS AND MICHAEL MAKIN' UP AND IS ANYONE ELSE GETTIN' THE IMPRESSION THAT MIKEY MIGHTA LIKED THIS MORE THAN HE WAS LETTIN' ON?
ANYWAY, NO ONE DIED. I KNOW. RECKON THAT'S A FIRST FOR ONE OF THESE THINGS.
OH YEAH, AND LUCIFER REVEALED HIS NEW VESSEL. EVERYONE GOT CONFUSED BY GENDER PRO-NOUNS BUT COPED WITH IT BY COMPLIMENTIN' HIM, HITTIN' ON HIM OR, GABE AND LILS CASES, SLEEPIN' WITH HIM...HER...LUCIFER.
NEXT, URIEL HIT ON THE MANWITCH (PATRICK? WHAT ARE WE CALLIN' YOU, DARLIN'?). HE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND AT ALL. THERE WERE VARIATIONS ON THE THEME OF "OH GOD, MY EYES!" EXCEPT FROM ED AND GORDON. *SHRUGS*
SEEN AS HOW EVERYONE WAS GETTIN' IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEMS, SAM DECIDED TO LET US KNOW THAT HE WAS BACK AND HAD HIS POWERS AND WASN'T ASHAMED OF THEM. PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WENT "GOOD FOR YOU SAM." EXCEPT MEG AND JO WHO DECIDED TO HIT ON HIM AND I AIN'T LOOKIN' AT THAT TOO HARD. SAME AS I'M GONNA DRAW A VEIL OVER THE WHOLE THING WITH LIL. BUT JESS AND SAM KINDA MADE UP SO THERES THAT.
OBVIOUSLY NOT HAPPY WITH THE GENERAL THEMES OF LOVE AND BEIN' NICE TO EACHOTHER, AVA TRIED TO ANNOUNCE HOW EVIL SHE WAS ONLY TO BE SHUT DOWN BY DEATH AND THEN STRIPPED OF HER POWERS BY ANDY WHO TOOK OFF A NECKLACE SHE'D BEEN WEARIN' AND SMASHED IT. I'D HAVE CALLED HIM OUT FOR DESTROYIN' JEWELLERY FOR NO REASON EXCEPT IT SEEMED TO WORK AND AVA COLLAPSED AND ALL THE DEMONS SHE'D SUMMONED DISAPPEARED. SO, GO ANDY. WAY TO BE OBSERVANT THERE, KID. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THAT NECKLACE YET BUT I RECKON IT WON'T BE LONG TIL WE FIND OUT.
CONTINUIN' THE GENERAL "BARIN' OUR SOULS" THEME, MARY TOLD JOHN SHE WASN'T ACTUALLY GOIN' TO TAKE THE MANWITCH UP ON HIS GAME AND HAD FINALLY GONE TO THE DOCTOR TO GET HERSELF EVENED OUT, MUCH TO EVERYONES RELIEF. GOOD CHOICE MARY. JOHN AND MARY MADE UP IN TYPICAL FASHION BY HEADIN' OUT TO THEIR BOAT.
...
ANYWAY.
AFTER ANDY SMASHED AVA'S NECKLACE HE WAS KINDA EXHAUSTED AND SANG FOR US ALL. HE'S GOT A PRETTY VOICE. ADAM POINTED THAT OUT TO HIM AND THE TWO OF THEM WENT OUT FOR PIZZA AND TALKED SCI-FI AND IT WAS REAL SWEET. AVA WAS BENT OUTTA SHAPE BUT SEEN AS SHE's SPENT THE BETTER PART OF A MONTH BEIN' EVIL, NO ONE PAID ANY ATTENTION.
BECKY POSTED A TRIBUTE TO HER FAMILY IN SONG. ALTHOUGH SHE DID MANAGE TO IMPLY THAT DEAN WAS A CLOSET CASE AND THAT TESS WAS HIS BEARD. BUT BOTH OF THEM HAD CLASS AND JUST WENT ABOUT BEIN' LOVED UP AND CUTE. NICELY DONE YOU TWO.
RAPHAEL, WHO HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY ABSENT LATELY, SHOWED UP AND REVEALED WHY. HE'S BEEN BUSY NURSIN' HIS EMO. APPARENTLY THE FACT THAT HIS TWO BROTHERS DIDN'T FIGHT TO THE DEATH AND BRING ABOUT EITHER THE END OF THE WORLD OR PARADISE HAS REALLY GOTTEN HIM DOWN. HE WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW IT. EVERYONE WANTED TO LET HIM KNOW TO STOP WHININ' COS IT’S GETTIN' KINDA OLD. ALTHOUGH MICHAEL WAS A LITTLE MORE FORGIVIN' AND HUGGED HIM. WHICH ACTUALLY DID MAKE RAPHAEL SHUT UP FOR A FEW MINUTES. I'M WONDERIN' IF THERE'S SOME KINDA ARCHANGEL MANUAL WE ALL NEED TO READ.
IN TRUE ALISTAIR FASHION, HE SHOWS UP WITH A SONG ABOUT HIS FEET WHICH PEOPLE THOUGHT WAS AMUSIN'. AND WHILE WE'RE ALL BLINDSIDED BY OUR AMUSEMENT HE PROCEEDS TO HIT ON BOTH LUCIFER AND DEAN. *sigh*
THANKFULLY ANNA COMES TO OUR RESCUE WITH MADONNA SONGS DEDICATED TO A GOOD NUMBER OF THE TREEHOUSE DENIZENS. EVERYONE'S IMPRESSED AS THEY SHOULD BE. DEAN AND GABE DO SOME MORE (IMPRESSIVELY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ON DEANS PART) FLIRTIN'.
JOEL MCHALE SHOWS UP TO ANNOUNCE THE CONTESTANTS GOIN' THROUGH TO THE TOP THREE OF TREEHOUSE IDOL. BECKY, JOHN AND MARY, AND PRESIDENT GOD MORGAN FREEMAN MADE IT THROUGH. *IS SLIGHTLY RELIEVED THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PERFORM ANYMORE* CAS SANG THE THEME FROM TITANIC AND DEDICATED IT TO ASH. I TOTALLY DIDN'T TEAR UP AT ALL.
MERCIFULLY, AVA SHOWED UP AND REALISED WHAT'S BEEN GOIN' ON WITH HER LATELY. SHE APOLOGISED AND GOT RID OF THAT DEMON AND THE SPELL THAT'D BEEN MAKIN' US ALL SING AND EVERYONE WAS GRATEFUL FOR THAT AT LEAST. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE MAINTAININ' A HEALTHY LEVEL OF SCEPTICISM ABOUT THE WHOLE BEIN' EVIL THING WEARIN' OFF HER THOUGH. GOTTA SAY...I'M WITH THEM ON THIS ONE. TIME WILL TELL, I GUESS.
SO ANYWAY, ED DECIDED TO BE REAL GENEROUS AND LET HARRY MOVE IN WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY. BUT HE HAD SOME CONDITIONS. THE MAIN ONE BEING HARRY NEEDED TO GET LAID. I THINK I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE TREEHOUSE WANTED TO SHOUT "HELL YES!" TO THAT IDEA. ADAM, ED, ANDY AND AVA BONDED OVER COMICS AND JOSS WHEDON SHOWS, ADAM AND HARRY BONDED OVER A MUTUAL LACK OF ROMANCE, BUT THE THING WE ALL NEED TO FOCUS ON HERE IS THAT LUCIFER POPPED HARRYS CHERRY.
I'LL JUST LET YOU SIT WITH THAT FOR A MINUTE.
CALMED DOWN YET? NO? IT'S OKAY TAKE YOUR TIME.
BETTER? GOOD. ANYWAY...WHETHER IT'LL CHANGE HARRY AND GET HIM TO CALM THE HELL DOWN OR WHAT, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK ALL OF US HARRY SHOULD BUY LUCIFER SOMETHIN' PRETTY FOR TAKIN' CARE OF THAT FOR US HIM. GOOD JOB LUCIFER, HONEY.
CONTINUIN' IN THEIR CURRENT VEIN OF BEIN' ADORABLE, DEAN AND TESSA SHOW US PICTURES OF THEIR NEW APARTMENT. IT'S GORGEOUS AND TESSA HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN READIN' THE SAME INTERIOR DESIGN BOOKS AS ANNA BECAUSE SHE'S DONE AN AMAZIN' JOB. EVERYONE AGREES. EXCEPT HARRY WHO'S SARCASTIC BUT GETS SHUT DOWN PRETTY QUICK. SO MUCH FOR GETTIN' LAID CHANGIN' HIM...*SIGH* DEAN, MUCH TO HIS SURPRISE, DISCOVERS THAT ED IS GAY (HONESTLY HON, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?) BUT GETS OVER IT PRETTY QUICK AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND SET ED UP WITH ADAM. I GOTTA SAY...I KINDA LIKE THIS IDEA.
NEXT BECKY WROTE A LITTLE NOTE FOR CHUCK WONDERIN’ WHERE HE WAS AND THEN TOOK THE KIDS AND WENT TO DEAN AND TESSAS. WHICH WAS NEVER GOIN' TO LEAD TO ANY MISUNDERSTANDING'S AT ALL. WE ALL JUST WAITED FOR CHUCK TO SHOW UP.
IN THE MEANTIME SOMEHOW, SOMEONE KEPT THE PROMISE ZACH MADE ADAM AND GAVE HIM THE DAY WITH HIS MOM. THEY DID SOME SWEET STUFF AND TALKED AND I THINK ADAM WAS LEFT FEELING BETTER SO THAT'S THE MAIN THING. EVERYONE WAS SYMPATHETIC AND GAVE LOTS OF HUGS BECAYSE ONE THING THIS PLACE KNOWS IS FAMILY.
CHUCK FINALLY PUTS IN AN APPEARANCE AND (UNSUPRISINGLY) GETS HIS WIRES CROSSED ABOUT BECKYS NOTE AND THINKS THAT SHE'S LEFT HIM. EVERYONE ASSURES HIM THAT SHE HASN'T AND THAT SHE'S JUST GONE TO TESSA AND DEANS FOR SOME COMPANY. CHUCK CALMS DOWN AND JESS HELPS HIM COOK THEM BOTH A NICE MEAL AND ITS REALLY SWEET. WHEN BECKY SHOWS UP THEY JUST TALK QUIETLY AND EVERYTHIN' LEVELS OUT AND IS PEACEFUL.
FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
THEN GOD SHOWS UP. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. THE GOD. HE STARTS SHOUTIN' DOWN THE PLANET, TELLIN' CHUCK THAT THIS IS AN OUTRAGE AND HOW CHUCK GAVE UP HIS GODLY DUTIES. EVERYONE, MYSELF INCLUDED, WONDERS WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON AND IT TURNS OUT THAT CHUCK IS IN FACT GOD. KINDA. I'M STILL NOT CLEAR ON THE LOGISTICS BUT I THINK CHUCK AND GOD HAD AN ARGUMENT AND DISAGREED ON THE WAY HEAVEN AND EARTH SHOULD BE RUN SO CHUCK LEFT. AND THEN BECAME A PROPHET TO HELP THE BOYS OUT WITH THE APOCALYPSE.
ANYWAY, GOD WAS JUST BASICALLY BEIN' AN ASS AND EVERYONE PRETTY MUCH TOLD HIM TO DECIDED THAT CHUCK WOULD MAKE A MUCH BETTER GOD THAN HE WAS. LUCIFER AND GABE AND CHUCKS CHATS WERE GENERALLY ADORABLE. I MEAN FIERCE AND GODLY...*CHECKS TO SEE IF ANYONE BOUGHT THAT* WHILE MICHAEL'S TALK WITH GOD WENT A LITTLE SIDEWAYS BUT ENDED UP WITH BOTH GABRIEL AND LUCIFER COMFORTIN' AND BONDIN' WITH THEIR BROTHER.
EVERYONE WHO WASN'T AN ANGEL KIND SAT BACK AND WATCHED THE SHOW, EATIN' POPCORN AND DEBATING WHO'D WIN IN A CAGE MATCH BETWEEN GOD AND CHUCK ALTHOUGH THAT QUICKLY BECAME MOOT WHEN CHUCK, OBVIOUSLY SICK OF DEALIN' WITH THAT POMPOUS ASS, TOLD DEATH (WHO'D HAD HER POWER CHALLENGED AND WASN'T AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT IT) THAT SHE WAS OKAY TO KILL GOD TO TEACH HIM A LESSON. SO SHE DID. OR AT LEAST SHE TRIED BUT I DON'T THINK IT TOOK. I GUESS WE'LL SEE.
WHAT THIS ALL MEANS IS...WELL ACTUALLY I GOT NO IDEA WHAT ALL THIS MEANS. I THINK CHUCK WILL HAVE TO HELP US OUT ON THIS ONE.
SOME OF THE GIRLS DECIDED TO IGNORE THE EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS BEIN' POSED AND WENT SHOPPIN' INSTEAD. LUCI, TESS, AVA AND LIL ALL GOT SOME NICE THINGS. DEAN GOT LUCKY WITH PIE AND POSSIBLY OTHER THINGS BUT I AIN'T LOOKIN' AT THAT TOO CLOSE TO FIND OUT. SAME WITH GABE AND DEAN DISCUSSIN' FOURSOMES. ALTHOUGH IT OBVIOUSLY FLICKED SOMEONE SWITCHES BECAUSE GABE AND LUCI DECIDED TO GO AT IT. AGAIN. BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE THEY USED PROTECTION. PROTECTION THAT THEY FOUND IN MARYS DRESS THAT LUCI HAD BORROWED. PROTECTION THAT HAD BEEN THERE SINCE MARY WAS PREGNANT AND TRYIN' TO SHARE THE WEALTH. NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE WAS A LITTLE PANIC ABOUT PREGNANCY. LUCI GOT SOME TESTS AND WAS GONNA TAKE THEM LATER.
MOVIN' ON AGAIN.
MARY YELLED AT US ASKED EVERYONE WHERE JOHN WAS AS HE HADN'T ANSWERED HIS PHONE ALL DAY. SHE INSTANTLY SUSPECTED THAT DEATH HAD DONE SOMETHIN' WHICH DEATH DENIED COMPLETELY. EVERYONE ELSE TRIED TO CALM MARY DOWN AND REASSURE HER THAT HE WAS FINE. TURNS OUT HE WASN'T. MARY GAVE DEATH BACK HER RING AND DEATH TOLD HER THAT JOHN WAS IN A HOSPITAL WITH A BUMP ON THE HEAD. MARY IMMEDIATELY TOOK OFF TO GO FIND HIM.
WHILE SHE WAS GONE WAR SHOWED UP AND EXPLAINED THE WHOLE AVA/NECKLACE DEAL. SOMETHIN' ABOUT IT AMPLFYIN' TENDANCIES TOWARDS GOOD OR EVIL DEPENDIN' ON HOW YOU'RE FEELIN'. OR SOMETHING. UPSHOT OF IT IS THAT WAR CUT OF ANDY AND AVAS HEADS. A FEW PEOPLE GOT ANNOYED THAT THE DEFAULT AROUND HERE IS TO KILL ANYONE THAT PISSES THEM OFF. DEATH AND WAR DIDN'T CARE. SO AVA IS APPARENTLY STILL IN HELL ALTHOUGH DEATH DID LET TESS GO AND GET ANDY COS HE DIDN'T REALLY DO ANYTHIN'. ALSO, WAR LEARNED THAT DEAN HAS HIS RING AND THEN HE AND DEATH WENT OFF TO THEIR ISLAND TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT BACK. OH AND URIEL HIT ON THE MANWITCH AGAIN. I SENSE THAT’S GONNA BE A PATTERN WITH HIM.
SAM POSTED 'ASK SAM WEDNESDAY' AND BECKY OPENED WITH A COMPLETELY SUBTLE AND NOT AT ALL OBVIOUS QUESTION ABOUT ANGELS BEING ABLE TO GET PREGNANT IN FEMALE VESSELS. SHORT ANSWER: SAM DIDN'T KNOW. IN THE MEANTIME BECKY AND CHUCK RECONCILED AND WE CLEARED UP THAT CHUCK IS PRETTY MUCH HUMAN UNLESS HE WANTS TO BE GOD.
...
ANYWAY. JESS AND SAM DECIDED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER WHICH I'M REAL HAPPY ABOUT EVEN THOUGH THAT NOW MEANS I'M ON MY OWN IN THE BAR AGAIN. BUT I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR THEM. ALSO ED AND ADAM MIGHT BE MOVING IN TOGETHER WITH HARRY. POSSIBLY. I AIN'T SURE ABOUT THAT ONE.
A LITTLE LATER, HARRY TOOK A SMILIN' MEATBALL OVER TO CHUCKS FOR A THERAPY SESSION. HONESTLY GUYS, I CAN'T DESCRIBE THE HORROR OF THE THING SO GO LOOK FOR YOURSELVES. THE DOOR WAS CLOSED SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE BUT I'M ASSUMIN' THAT HARRY WAS AN ASS BECAUSE...WELL, IT'S HARRY.
ADAM INVITED EVERYONE ALONG TO A PLACE HE FOUND AND THERE WAS ICE CREAM AND A BAR CALLED COYOTE UGLY. ICE CREAM WAS EATEN, RIDES ON MERRY-GO-ROUNDS WERE TAKEN, POSSIBLE ANGELIC PREGNANCIES WERE DISCUSSED, MORE ICE CREAM WAS EATEN, DRINKS WERE HAD AND SO ON. UPSHOT OF ALL THIS IS THAT ANNA KNOWS ABOUT LUCIFER AND GABE, ED AND ADAM ARE PRETTY CUTE TOGETHER, HARRY WAS SUPRISINGLY NICE TO ED AND ADAM AND THEN PROMPTLY RUINED IT BY BEIN' A DICK TO LUCIFER. I'D ROLL MY EYES BUT I THINK I'M GETTIN' EYE-STRAIN FROM DOIN' IT SO OFTEN.
ED THEN DECIDED EVERYONE NEEDED TO PLAY DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. PEOPLE JOINED UP AND PICKED THEIR CHARACTERS. ALI WAS DECLARED DUNGEON MASTER AND SOMEHOW AN EPIC DANCE-OFF BETWEEN ED AND LUCI HAPPENED.
IN THE GAME ITSELF, EVERYONE WAS HAVIN' A GOOD TIME. THEY WERE DRUNK AS ALL HELL BUT PEOPLE WERE STILL PLAYIN' AND LAUGHIN' AND SO ON. DEAN AND TESS SHOWED UP AND JOINED IN AND WE LEARNED DEAN MAKES A...*CHOKES ON A LAUGH*...A REALLY GREAT WIZARD. GABE AND HARRY WERE TALKIN' ABOUT SOMETHIN' AND IT LOOKED PRETTY INTENSE SO I KINDA AVOIDED THAT WHOLE THING BECAUSE I LIKE MY HEAD NOT CAVED IN BY REPEATEDLY SMASHIN' IT AGAINST A BRICK WALL.
FINALLY, AFTER A NERVOUS WAIT, LUCI SHOWS PEOPLE SOME TESTS AND CONFIRMS HIS...HER PREGNANCY. PEOPLE GET TEARY. EVERYONE HUGS. NO ONES MAD. GABE, ANNA, LIL AND LUCI ALL AGREE TO HANDLE IT WHATEVER HAPPENS...AND THEN HARRY SHOWS UP THREATENIN' TO KILL HIMSELF. ONLY GABE (WHICH I GUESS IS WHAT HE WAS TALKIN' TO HARRY ABOUT OVER AT EDS BEFORE) TOOK HIS PILLS. NOW HE'S JUST TRYIN' TO PISS PEOPLE WITH MAJOR COSMIC MOJO OFF AND GET THEM TO KILL HIM. A WHOLE LOAD OF PEOPLE TRY TO TALK HIM DOWN BUT HE'S DETERMINED TO PISS SOMEONE OFF ENOUGH. SO HE STARTS INSULTIN' LUCI. BAD MOVE. THAT JUST PISSES EVERYONE OFF, ME INCLUDED. I, STUPIDLY, PUT THE IDEA IN HIS HEAD THAT WAR MIGHT KILL HIM AND HARRY WENT OFF TO FIND HIM, LEAVIN' EVERYONE ELSE SHADES OF ANGRY, TIRED, FRUSTRATED AND SAD.
AND NOW I NEED A DRINK.
FOLLOWIN' ON FROM JOHNS RECAP, ANNA REVEALED HER AND GABES NEWLY REMODELLED HOUSE. IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND TO CELEBRATE ANNA HAD A GIRLS NIGHT IN THEN ENSUED WITH TESS, BECKY, JESS AND MARY AND CULMINATED IN ALL OF THEM SHOWIN' OFF THEIR UNDERWEAR. WHICH...YEAH. TESSA AND JESS WERE KINDA MORTIFIED BY THE PICTURES BUT GOT OVER IT PRETTY QUICK. GOOD GIRLS. EVERYONE ELSE WAS IMPRESSED WITH ANNAS INTERIOR DESIGN SKILLS. PERHAPS UNSUPRISINGLY DUE TO MARYS RECENT MOODS, AN ARGUMENT BETWEEN HER AND JOHN STARTED UP OVER THE POOL HOUSE THAT ANNA REVAMPED FOR THEM. SOMETHIN' TO DO WITH JOHN AND A COUCH AND I THINK TWILIGHT WAS MENTIONED. I GOT NOTHIN'.
MOVIN' ON.
AVA DECIDED SHE HADN'T BEEN EVIL FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES SO SHE GOT ONE OF HER DEMON BUDDIES TO CURSE US ALL TO SING OUT OUR FEELINGS FOR TWENTY FOUR HOURS. EVERYONE TRIED TO KEEP THEMSELVES FROM OPENING THEIR MOUTHS AND FAILED MISERABLY. HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: DEAN AND TESS BEIN' CUTE, GABE AND DEAN FLIRTIN', MARY AND MICHAEL MAKIN' UP? KINDA?, MICHAEL AND LUCIFER MAKIN' UP, ADAM AND MICHAEL BREAKIN' EVERYONES HEARTS, DEAN AND MICHAEL...SOMETHIN'...I AIN'T SURE WHAT THAT WAS, TESS AND MICHAEL MAKIN' UP AND IS ANYONE ELSE GETTIN' THE IMPRESSION THAT MIKEY MIGHTA LIKED THIS MORE THAN HE WAS LETTIN' ON?
ANYWAY, NO ONE DIED. I KNOW. RECKON THAT'S A FIRST FOR ONE OF THESE THINGS.
OH YEAH, AND LUCIFER REVEALED HIS NEW VESSEL. EVERYONE GOT CONFUSED BY GENDER PRO-NOUNS BUT COPED WITH IT BY COMPLIMENTIN' HIM, HITTIN' ON HIM OR, GABE AND LILS CASES, SLEEPIN' WITH HIM...HER...LUCIFER.
NEXT, URIEL HIT ON THE MANWITCH (PATRICK? WHAT ARE WE CALLIN' YOU, DARLIN'?). HE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND AT ALL. THERE WERE VARIATIONS ON THE THEME OF "OH GOD, MY EYES!" EXCEPT FROM ED AND GORDON. *SHRUGS*
SEEN AS HOW EVERYONE WAS GETTIN' IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEMS, SAM DECIDED TO LET US KNOW THAT HE WAS BACK AND HAD HIS POWERS AND WASN'T ASHAMED OF THEM. PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WENT "GOOD FOR YOU SAM." EXCEPT MEG AND JO WHO DECIDED TO HIT ON HIM AND I AIN'T LOOKIN' AT THAT TOO HARD. SAME AS I'M GONNA DRAW A VEIL OVER THE WHOLE THING WITH LIL. BUT JESS AND SAM KINDA MADE UP SO THERES THAT.
OBVIOUSLY NOT HAPPY WITH THE GENERAL THEMES OF LOVE AND BEIN' NICE TO EACHOTHER, AVA TRIED TO ANNOUNCE HOW EVIL SHE WAS ONLY TO BE SHUT DOWN BY DEATH AND THEN STRIPPED OF HER POWERS BY ANDY WHO TOOK OFF A NECKLACE SHE'D BEEN WEARIN' AND SMASHED IT. I'D HAVE CALLED HIM OUT FOR DESTROYIN' JEWELLERY FOR NO REASON EXCEPT IT SEEMED TO WORK AND AVA COLLAPSED AND ALL THE DEMONS SHE'D SUMMONED DISAPPEARED. SO, GO ANDY. WAY TO BE OBSERVANT THERE, KID. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THAT NECKLACE YET BUT I RECKON IT WON'T BE LONG TIL WE FIND OUT.
CONTINUIN' THE GENERAL "BARIN' OUR SOULS" THEME, MARY TOLD JOHN SHE WASN'T ACTUALLY GOIN' TO TAKE THE MANWITCH UP ON HIS GAME AND HAD FINALLY GONE TO THE DOCTOR TO GET HERSELF EVENED OUT, MUCH TO EVERYONES RELIEF. GOOD CHOICE MARY. JOHN AND MARY MADE UP IN TYPICAL FASHION BY HEADIN' OUT TO THEIR BOAT.
...
ANYWAY.
AFTER ANDY SMASHED AVA'S NECKLACE HE WAS KINDA EXHAUSTED AND SANG FOR US ALL. HE'S GOT A PRETTY VOICE. ADAM POINTED THAT OUT TO HIM AND THE TWO OF THEM WENT OUT FOR PIZZA AND TALKED SCI-FI AND IT WAS REAL SWEET. AVA WAS BENT OUTTA SHAPE BUT SEEN AS SHE's SPENT THE BETTER PART OF A MONTH BEIN' EVIL, NO ONE PAID ANY ATTENTION.
BECKY POSTED A TRIBUTE TO HER FAMILY IN SONG. ALTHOUGH SHE DID MANAGE TO IMPLY THAT DEAN WAS A CLOSET CASE AND THAT TESS WAS HIS BEARD. BUT BOTH OF THEM HAD CLASS AND JUST WENT ABOUT BEIN' LOVED UP AND CUTE. NICELY DONE YOU TWO.
RAPHAEL, WHO HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY ABSENT LATELY, SHOWED UP AND REVEALED WHY. HE'S BEEN BUSY NURSIN' HIS EMO. APPARENTLY THE FACT THAT HIS TWO BROTHERS DIDN'T FIGHT TO THE DEATH AND BRING ABOUT EITHER THE END OF THE WORLD OR PARADISE HAS REALLY GOTTEN HIM DOWN. HE WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW IT. EVERYONE WANTED TO LET HIM KNOW TO STOP WHININ' COS IT’S GETTIN' KINDA OLD. ALTHOUGH MICHAEL WAS A LITTLE MORE FORGIVIN' AND HUGGED HIM. WHICH ACTUALLY DID MAKE RAPHAEL SHUT UP FOR A FEW MINUTES. I'M WONDERIN' IF THERE'S SOME KINDA ARCHANGEL MANUAL WE ALL NEED TO READ.
IN TRUE ALISTAIR FASHION, HE SHOWS UP WITH A SONG ABOUT HIS FEET WHICH PEOPLE THOUGHT WAS AMUSIN'. AND WHILE WE'RE ALL BLINDSIDED BY OUR AMUSEMENT HE PROCEEDS TO HIT ON BOTH LUCIFER AND DEAN. *sigh*
THANKFULLY ANNA COMES TO OUR RESCUE WITH MADONNA SONGS DEDICATED TO A GOOD NUMBER OF THE TREEHOUSE DENIZENS. EVERYONE'S IMPRESSED AS THEY SHOULD BE. DEAN AND GABE DO SOME MORE (IMPRESSIVELY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ON DEANS PART) FLIRTIN'.
JOEL MCHALE SHOWS UP TO ANNOUNCE THE CONTESTANTS GOIN' THROUGH TO THE TOP THREE OF TREEHOUSE IDOL. BECKY, JOHN AND MARY, AND PRESIDENT GOD MORGAN FREEMAN MADE IT THROUGH. *IS SLIGHTLY RELIEVED THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PERFORM ANYMORE* CAS SANG THE THEME FROM TITANIC AND DEDICATED IT TO ASH. I TOTALLY DIDN'T TEAR UP AT ALL.
MERCIFULLY, AVA SHOWED UP AND REALISED WHAT'S BEEN GOIN' ON WITH HER LATELY. SHE APOLOGISED AND GOT RID OF THAT DEMON AND THE SPELL THAT'D BEEN MAKIN' US ALL SING AND EVERYONE WAS GRATEFUL FOR THAT AT LEAST. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE MAINTAININ' A HEALTHY LEVEL OF SCEPTICISM ABOUT THE WHOLE BEIN' EVIL THING WEARIN' OFF HER THOUGH. GOTTA SAY...I'M WITH THEM ON THIS ONE. TIME WILL TELL, I GUESS.
SO ANYWAY, ED DECIDED TO BE REAL GENEROUS AND LET HARRY MOVE IN WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY. BUT HE HAD SOME CONDITIONS. THE MAIN ONE BEING HARRY NEEDED TO GET LAID. I THINK I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE TREEHOUSE WANTED TO SHOUT "HELL YES!" TO THAT IDEA. ADAM, ED, ANDY AND AVA BONDED OVER COMICS AND JOSS WHEDON SHOWS, ADAM AND HARRY BONDED OVER A MUTUAL LACK OF ROMANCE, BUT THE THING WE ALL NEED TO FOCUS ON HERE IS THAT LUCIFER POPPED HARRYS CHERRY.
I'LL JUST LET YOU SIT WITH THAT FOR A MINUTE.
CALMED DOWN YET? NO? IT'S OKAY TAKE YOUR TIME.
BETTER? GOOD. ANYWAY...WHETHER IT'LL CHANGE HARRY AND GET HIM TO CALM THE HELL DOWN OR WHAT, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK ALL OF US HARRY SHOULD BUY LUCIFER SOMETHIN' PRETTY FOR TAKIN' CARE OF THAT FOR US HIM. GOOD JOB LUCIFER, HONEY.
CONTINUIN' IN THEIR CURRENT VEIN OF BEIN' ADORABLE, DEAN AND TESSA SHOW US PICTURES OF THEIR NEW APARTMENT. IT'S GORGEOUS AND TESSA HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN READIN' THE SAME INTERIOR DESIGN BOOKS AS ANNA BECAUSE SHE'S DONE AN AMAZIN' JOB. EVERYONE AGREES. EXCEPT HARRY WHO'S SARCASTIC BUT GETS SHUT DOWN PRETTY QUICK. SO MUCH FOR GETTIN' LAID CHANGIN' HIM...*SIGH* DEAN, MUCH TO HIS SURPRISE, DISCOVERS THAT ED IS GAY (HONESTLY HON, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?) BUT GETS OVER IT PRETTY QUICK AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND SET ED UP WITH ADAM. I GOTTA SAY...I KINDA LIKE THIS IDEA.
NEXT BECKY WROTE A LITTLE NOTE FOR CHUCK WONDERIN’ WHERE HE WAS AND THEN TOOK THE KIDS AND WENT TO DEAN AND TESSAS. WHICH WAS NEVER GOIN' TO LEAD TO ANY MISUNDERSTANDING'S AT ALL. WE ALL JUST WAITED FOR CHUCK TO SHOW UP.
IN THE MEANTIME SOMEHOW, SOMEONE KEPT THE PROMISE ZACH MADE ADAM AND GAVE HIM THE DAY WITH HIS MOM. THEY DID SOME SWEET STUFF AND TALKED AND I THINK ADAM WAS LEFT FEELING BETTER SO THAT'S THE MAIN THING. EVERYONE WAS SYMPATHETIC AND GAVE LOTS OF HUGS BECAYSE ONE THING THIS PLACE KNOWS IS FAMILY.
CHUCK FINALLY PUTS IN AN APPEARANCE AND (UNSUPRISINGLY) GETS HIS WIRES CROSSED ABOUT BECKYS NOTE AND THINKS THAT SHE'S LEFT HIM. EVERYONE ASSURES HIM THAT SHE HASN'T AND THAT SHE'S JUST GONE TO TESSA AND DEANS FOR SOME COMPANY. CHUCK CALMS DOWN AND JESS HELPS HIM COOK THEM BOTH A NICE MEAL AND ITS REALLY SWEET. WHEN BECKY SHOWS UP THEY JUST TALK QUIETLY AND EVERYTHIN' LEVELS OUT AND IS PEACEFUL.
FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
THEN GOD SHOWS UP. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. THE GOD. HE STARTS SHOUTIN' DOWN THE PLANET, TELLIN' CHUCK THAT THIS IS AN OUTRAGE AND HOW CHUCK GAVE UP HIS GODLY DUTIES. EVERYONE, MYSELF INCLUDED, WONDERS WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON AND IT TURNS OUT THAT CHUCK IS IN FACT GOD. KINDA. I'M STILL NOT CLEAR ON THE LOGISTICS BUT I THINK CHUCK AND GOD HAD AN ARGUMENT AND DISAGREED ON THE WAY HEAVEN AND EARTH SHOULD BE RUN SO CHUCK LEFT. AND THEN BECAME A PROPHET TO HELP THE BOYS OUT WITH THE APOCALYPSE.
ANYWAY, GOD WAS JUST BASICALLY BEIN' AN ASS AND EVERYONE PRETTY MUCH TOLD HIM TO DECIDED THAT CHUCK WOULD MAKE A MUCH BETTER GOD THAN HE WAS. LUCIFER AND GABE AND CHUCKS CHATS WERE GENERALLY ADORABLE. I MEAN FIERCE AND GODLY...*CHECKS TO SEE IF ANYONE BOUGHT THAT* WHILE MICHAEL'S TALK WITH GOD WENT A LITTLE SIDEWAYS BUT ENDED UP WITH BOTH GABRIEL AND LUCIFER COMFORTIN' AND BONDIN' WITH THEIR BROTHER.
EVERYONE WHO WASN'T AN ANGEL KIND SAT BACK AND WATCHED THE SHOW, EATIN' POPCORN AND DEBATING WHO'D WIN IN A CAGE MATCH BETWEEN GOD AND CHUCK ALTHOUGH THAT QUICKLY BECAME MOOT WHEN CHUCK, OBVIOUSLY SICK OF DEALIN' WITH THAT POMPOUS ASS, TOLD DEATH (WHO'D HAD HER POWER CHALLENGED AND WASN'T AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT IT) THAT SHE WAS OKAY TO KILL GOD TO TEACH HIM A LESSON. SO SHE DID. OR AT LEAST SHE TRIED BUT I DON'T THINK IT TOOK. I GUESS WE'LL SEE.
WHAT THIS ALL MEANS IS...WELL ACTUALLY I GOT NO IDEA WHAT ALL THIS MEANS. I THINK CHUCK WILL HAVE TO HELP US OUT ON THIS ONE.
SOME OF THE GIRLS DECIDED TO IGNORE THE EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS BEIN' POSED AND WENT SHOPPIN' INSTEAD. LUCI, TESS, AVA AND LIL ALL GOT SOME NICE THINGS. DEAN GOT LUCKY WITH PIE AND POSSIBLY OTHER THINGS BUT I AIN'T LOOKIN' AT THAT TOO CLOSE TO FIND OUT. SAME WITH GABE AND DEAN DISCUSSIN' FOURSOMES. ALTHOUGH IT OBVIOUSLY FLICKED SOMEONE SWITCHES BECAUSE GABE AND LUCI DECIDED TO GO AT IT. AGAIN. BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE THEY USED PROTECTION. PROTECTION THAT THEY FOUND IN MARYS DRESS THAT LUCI HAD BORROWED. PROTECTION THAT HAD BEEN THERE SINCE MARY WAS PREGNANT AND TRYIN' TO SHARE THE WEALTH. NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE WAS A LITTLE PANIC ABOUT PREGNANCY. LUCI GOT SOME TESTS AND WAS GONNA TAKE THEM LATER.
MOVIN' ON AGAIN.
MARY YELLED AT US ASKED EVERYONE WHERE JOHN WAS AS HE HADN'T ANSWERED HIS PHONE ALL DAY. SHE INSTANTLY SUSPECTED THAT DEATH HAD DONE SOMETHIN' WHICH DEATH DENIED COMPLETELY. EVERYONE ELSE TRIED TO CALM MARY DOWN AND REASSURE HER THAT HE WAS FINE. TURNS OUT HE WASN'T. MARY GAVE DEATH BACK HER RING AND DEATH TOLD HER THAT JOHN WAS IN A HOSPITAL WITH A BUMP ON THE HEAD. MARY IMMEDIATELY TOOK OFF TO GO FIND HIM.
WHILE SHE WAS GONE WAR SHOWED UP AND EXPLAINED THE WHOLE AVA/NECKLACE DEAL. SOMETHIN' ABOUT IT AMPLFYIN' TENDANCIES TOWARDS GOOD OR EVIL DEPENDIN' ON HOW YOU'RE FEELIN'. OR SOMETHING. UPSHOT OF IT IS THAT WAR CUT OF ANDY AND AVAS HEADS. A FEW PEOPLE GOT ANNOYED THAT THE DEFAULT AROUND HERE IS TO KILL ANYONE THAT PISSES THEM OFF. DEATH AND WAR DIDN'T CARE. SO AVA IS APPARENTLY STILL IN HELL ALTHOUGH DEATH DID LET TESS GO AND GET ANDY COS HE DIDN'T REALLY DO ANYTHIN'. ALSO, WAR LEARNED THAT DEAN HAS HIS RING AND THEN HE AND DEATH WENT OFF TO THEIR ISLAND TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT BACK. OH AND URIEL HIT ON THE MANWITCH AGAIN. I SENSE THAT’S GONNA BE A PATTERN WITH HIM.
SAM POSTED 'ASK SAM WEDNESDAY' AND BECKY OPENED WITH A COMPLETELY SUBTLE AND NOT AT ALL OBVIOUS QUESTION ABOUT ANGELS BEING ABLE TO GET PREGNANT IN FEMALE VESSELS. SHORT ANSWER: SAM DIDN'T KNOW. IN THE MEANTIME BECKY AND CHUCK RECONCILED AND WE CLEARED UP THAT CHUCK IS PRETTY MUCH HUMAN UNLESS HE WANTS TO BE GOD.
...
ANYWAY. JESS AND SAM DECIDED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER WHICH I'M REAL HAPPY ABOUT EVEN THOUGH THAT NOW MEANS I'M ON MY OWN IN THE BAR AGAIN. BUT I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR THEM. ALSO ED AND ADAM MIGHT BE MOVING IN TOGETHER WITH HARRY. POSSIBLY. I AIN'T SURE ABOUT THAT ONE.
A LITTLE LATER, HARRY TOOK A SMILIN' MEATBALL OVER TO CHUCKS FOR A THERAPY SESSION. HONESTLY GUYS, I CAN'T DESCRIBE THE HORROR OF THE THING SO GO LOOK FOR YOURSELVES. THE DOOR WAS CLOSED SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE BUT I'M ASSUMIN' THAT HARRY WAS AN ASS BECAUSE...WELL, IT'S HARRY.
ADAM INVITED EVERYONE ALONG TO A PLACE HE FOUND AND THERE WAS ICE CREAM AND A BAR CALLED COYOTE UGLY. ICE CREAM WAS EATEN, RIDES ON MERRY-GO-ROUNDS WERE TAKEN, POSSIBLE ANGELIC PREGNANCIES WERE DISCUSSED, MORE ICE CREAM WAS EATEN, DRINKS WERE HAD AND SO ON. UPSHOT OF ALL THIS IS THAT ANNA KNOWS ABOUT LUCIFER AND GABE, ED AND ADAM ARE PRETTY CUTE TOGETHER, HARRY WAS SUPRISINGLY NICE TO ED AND ADAM AND THEN PROMPTLY RUINED IT BY BEIN' A DICK TO LUCIFER. I'D ROLL MY EYES BUT I THINK I'M GETTIN' EYE-STRAIN FROM DOIN' IT SO OFTEN.
ED THEN DECIDED EVERYONE NEEDED TO PLAY DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. PEOPLE JOINED UP AND PICKED THEIR CHARACTERS. ALI WAS DECLARED DUNGEON MASTER AND SOMEHOW AN EPIC DANCE-OFF BETWEEN ED AND LUCI HAPPENED.
IN THE GAME ITSELF, EVERYONE WAS HAVIN' A GOOD TIME. THEY WERE DRUNK AS ALL HELL BUT PEOPLE WERE STILL PLAYIN' AND LAUGHIN' AND SO ON. DEAN AND TESS SHOWED UP AND JOINED IN AND WE LEARNED DEAN MAKES A...*CHOKES ON A LAUGH*...A REALLY GREAT WIZARD. GABE AND HARRY WERE TALKIN' ABOUT SOMETHIN' AND IT LOOKED PRETTY INTENSE SO I KINDA AVOIDED THAT WHOLE THING BECAUSE I LIKE MY HEAD NOT CAVED IN BY REPEATEDLY SMASHIN' IT AGAINST A BRICK WALL.
FINALLY, AFTER A NERVOUS WAIT, LUCI SHOWS PEOPLE SOME TESTS AND CONFIRMS HIS...HER PREGNANCY. PEOPLE GET TEARY. EVERYONE HUGS. NO ONES MAD. GABE, ANNA, LIL AND LUCI ALL AGREE TO HANDLE IT WHATEVER HAPPENS...AND THEN HARRY SHOWS UP THREATENIN' TO KILL HIMSELF. ONLY GABE (WHICH I GUESS IS WHAT HE WAS TALKIN' TO HARRY ABOUT OVER AT EDS BEFORE) TOOK HIS PILLS. NOW HE'S JUST TRYIN' TO PISS PEOPLE WITH MAJOR COSMIC MOJO OFF AND GET THEM TO KILL HIM. A WHOLE LOAD OF PEOPLE TRY TO TALK HIM DOWN BUT HE'S DETERMINED TO PISS SOMEONE OFF ENOUGH. SO HE STARTS INSULTIN' LUCI. BAD MOVE. THAT JUST PISSES EVERYONE OFF, ME INCLUDED. I, STUPIDLY, PUT THE IDEA IN HIS HEAD THAT WAR MIGHT KILL HIM AND HARRY WENT OFF TO FIND HIM, LEAVIN' EVERYONE ELSE SHADES OF ANGRY, TIRED, FRUSTRATED AND SAD.
AND NOW I NEED A DRINK.