How To Be A Hunter: A Manifesto
I apologize for running behind on answering comments, particularly the lovely ones left for me regarding the family. I had to step back from replying to those because I'm lame enough that my chest started to ache from seeing so much kindness and support. Although I know I'm under no pressure to respond, I suspect that given that my idea of being in touch with my feelings is noticing when I'm wearing the pair of underpants that tends to crawl up my ass, replying to you is not a bad thing for me to be doing right now.
I just gotta take it slow is all because, seriously. Fidgeting with creeping underpants. Extent of my emotional range right there, yo. Also? I don't count noticing when I need more coffee as an emotion because that's clearly a hardwired autonomic response. My endocrine system is entirely based on caffeine. God, yes.
So, moving as quickly as possibly from the touchy-feely-self-help-yoga crap, I must note that tsuki_no_bara, perhaps seeking a fresh career path or on a quest for Spectral Enlightenment (HA!), inquired as to how one becomes a certified investigator of the supernatural.
Dude. You should so know better than to ask that sort of thing 'round here by now.
Thanks to The International Ghost Hunters Society, you can totally purchase the Paranormal Investigator Home Study Course for a mere four hundred dollars. For another four hundred bucks, you can then tackle the Ghost Researcher Home Study Course. After that, for a mere one hundred and twenty-five bucks, you can round out your fantastic education with the EVP Researcher Home Study Course.
After you've dropped the mad jack on those courses, be sure to run quick like a bunny to The Ghost Hunter's Store to stock up on the equipment so that you too can have an adequately stocked Ghost Hunter's Tool Box.
Should you need additional resources besides your hard-earned certification -- because, really, when is being certifiable ever enough? -- you can always rely on The Paranormal Research Investigators. (As a bonus, this site has a syntho-soundtrack to accompany every. single. page. Be sure to crank this shit up and play it loud and proud in your office, I say.)
There's also Paraphysics and EVP, along with the many resources available through the Florida Ghost Team. (And, no, I'm not a member because real hunters don't mix with civilians, baby. Even if they do name themselves S.P.I.T. On purpose.)
And, sure, you might now be trained to totally be able to call bullshit if your brother tries to convince you that that's "ecotoplasm" he wiped up with your favorite t-shirt, but how do you recognize when the flesh-rending evil you're after manifested due to the malevolent machinations of a maniacal man and maybe many merciless and murderous minions?
Fear not! The total braintrust behind Exposing Satanism, Witchcraft, and the New World Order very helpfully and very entirely unhindered by any sort of accuracy provides you with how to identify shit that's, like, totally evil and stuff. Thank heavens this dude has his room all to himself in his mom's basement so as to store all of his tinfoil hats without worrying that they might get a little crinkly.
"But, researchgrrrl," you must be saying by this point, "this is all well and good despite the fact that these links clearly underscore how very much you should look into getting out a little more and possibly getting laid, but what if I want to get more aggressive than just snapping some pictures and wondering if I'm a bad person for resenting the fact that there are never any bathrooms in a boneyard?"
Well, fortunately for you, my would-be hunters, you can always make sure to use the facilities in your motel room before you leave for your hard day's night and also wait until after the monster ass-thrashin' to get the big-sized coffee. Plus, I just don't get all the pressure to date when there's such a readily available supply of batteries on the free market. Hello?
But perhaps I digress.
Quit your fretting. You don't have to rely exclusively on pansy-ass sensing and recording equipment. What, do you think this gig is for sissies? HAH! No, my friends, your arsenal isn't complete until you have the proper paperwork. That's right. No endeavor is a worthwhile endeavor unless you have documentation.
Sashay on over to Ghost Hunting 101, scroll down a bit, and print out those kick-ass questionnaire and interview forms. I'm personally fond of the Ghost Hunt Log, which I have not only printed several copies of but have already filled out for Dean, and will be filling out for Sam and John. Possibly for each episode of Season One because...Ghost Hunting Log! Score!
Now that your nicely toned loins are girded and your paperwork is in order for taking essential fieldnotes ("Mandi? Mindi? Whatever. 832 555 1341 -- needs help moving bed, offers to pay w/ tequila & massage -- AWESOME"), where exactly do you go to kick off a hunting gig? Dude. Find a Grave is so there for you. Just be sure to check that atmospheric conditions are right for hunting. You wouldn't want to try set out only to find that the spirits are staying in because there haven't been any good solar flares lately or that your hair is going to get all weird because of high humidity.
Okay, seriously. What the hell are you all still doing here? Spooky shit isn't going to just up and hunt itself, you know.
I just gotta take it slow is all because, seriously. Fidgeting with creeping underpants. Extent of my emotional range right there, yo. Also? I don't count noticing when I need more coffee as an emotion because that's clearly a hardwired autonomic response. My endocrine system is entirely based on caffeine. God, yes.
So, moving as quickly as possibly from the touchy-feely-self-help-yoga crap, I must note that tsuki_no_bara, perhaps seeking a fresh career path or on a quest for Spectral Enlightenment (HA!), inquired as to how one becomes a certified investigator of the supernatural.
Dude. You should so know better than to ask that sort of thing 'round here by now.
Thanks to The International Ghost Hunters Society, you can totally purchase the Paranormal Investigator Home Study Course for a mere four hundred dollars. For another four hundred bucks, you can then tackle the Ghost Researcher Home Study Course. After that, for a mere one hundred and twenty-five bucks, you can round out your fantastic education with the EVP Researcher Home Study Course.
After you've dropped the mad jack on those courses, be sure to run quick like a bunny to The Ghost Hunter's Store to stock up on the equipment so that you too can have an adequately stocked Ghost Hunter's Tool Box.
Should you need additional resources besides your hard-earned certification -- because, really, when is being certifiable ever enough? -- you can always rely on The Paranormal Research Investigators. (As a bonus, this site has a syntho-soundtrack to accompany every. single. page. Be sure to crank this shit up and play it loud and proud in your office, I say.)
There's also Paraphysics and EVP, along with the many resources available through the Florida Ghost Team. (And, no, I'm not a member because real hunters don't mix with civilians, baby. Even if they do name themselves S.P.I.T. On purpose.)
And, sure, you might now be trained to totally be able to call bullshit if your brother tries to convince you that that's "ecotoplasm" he wiped up with your favorite t-shirt, but how do you recognize when the flesh-rending evil you're after manifested due to the malevolent machinations of a maniacal man and maybe many merciless and murderous minions?
Fear not! The total braintrust behind Exposing Satanism, Witchcraft, and the New World Order very helpfully and very entirely unhindered by any sort of accuracy provides you with how to identify shit that's, like, totally evil and stuff. Thank heavens this dude has his room all to himself in his mom's basement so as to store all of his tinfoil hats without worrying that they might get a little crinkly.
"But, researchgrrrl," you must be saying by this point, "this is all well and good despite the fact that these links clearly underscore how very much you should look into getting out a little more and possibly getting laid, but what if I want to get more aggressive than just snapping some pictures and wondering if I'm a bad person for resenting the fact that there are never any bathrooms in a boneyard?"
Well, fortunately for you, my would-be hunters, you can always make sure to use the facilities in your motel room before you leave for your hard day's night and also wait until after the monster ass-thrashin' to get the big-sized coffee. Plus, I just don't get all the pressure to date when there's such a readily available supply of batteries on the free market. Hello?
But perhaps I digress.
Quit your fretting. You don't have to rely exclusively on pansy-ass sensing and recording equipment. What, do you think this gig is for sissies? HAH! No, my friends, your arsenal isn't complete until you have the proper paperwork. That's right. No endeavor is a worthwhile endeavor unless you have documentation.
Sashay on over to Ghost Hunting 101, scroll down a bit, and print out those kick-ass questionnaire and interview forms. I'm personally fond of the Ghost Hunt Log, which I have not only printed several copies of but have already filled out for Dean, and will be filling out for Sam and John. Possibly for each episode of Season One because...Ghost Hunting Log! Score!
Now that your nicely toned loins are girded and your paperwork is in order for taking essential fieldnotes ("Mandi? Mindi? Whatever. 832 555 1341 -- needs help moving bed, offers to pay w/ tequila & massage -- AWESOME"), where exactly do you go to kick off a hunting gig? Dude. Find a Grave is so there for you. Just be sure to check that atmospheric conditions are right for hunting. You wouldn't want to try set out only to find that the spirits are staying in because there haven't been any good solar flares lately or that your hair is going to get all weird because of high humidity.
Okay, seriously. What the hell are you all still doing here? Spooky shit isn't going to just up and hunt itself, you know.