The trouble is my head (won't let me forget)
Title: The trouble is my head (won't let me forget)
Rating: PG13 (for swearing)
Characters: Sam
Disclaimer: nothing you see belongs to me. title by the Killers
Warnings: spoilers through pilot, home, and in my time of dying, maybe a vague teeny tiny reference to Simon Said. Doubledrabbleish.
crossposted, sorry.
The trouble is my head (won't let me forget)
The more Sam thinks about it, the more he realises he cannot remember what the last thing he said to Jess was before she died.
He vaguely remembers some kind of alliteration, suggesting his Dad was an alcoholic, and kissing her on the cheek. He thinks he promised her that everything was going to be okay, and then walked out the door.
He can’t remember for sure, but he knows it wasn’t a suitable goodbye to the love of his life-a lie.
He could never remember his mother-he was too young when she died-and he never had a single memory of her.
Not until he was twenty-three and she was standing in front of him, beautiful, like an image from an old photograph.
She apologised, and much further down the road, when the pieces of the puzzle start to click together, Sam would wish he had, too.
He didn’t say goodbye that time, either.
He’ll never forget his last words to his father. Angry and bitter accusations; he expected a fight, like always, a throwback to his teenage years and the blazing rows Sam misses so much now.
Instead his father treated him like an adult for the first time in his life, just when Sam didn’t deserve it.
His jeans still have coffee stains up the left leg.
He’ll never be able to remember his father again without thinking, if only. If fucking only.
Sam’s lost three out of the four most important people in his life and he knows he never said goodbye to any of them.
He knows the time will come for when he loses his brother, too. He knows there won’t be a goodbye then, either-one minute he’ll be there, by his side, and the next he’ll be gone. Just like that.
In the undercurrents of darkness they live in, there’s no time for goodbyes.
Plenty of regrets. Never a goodbye.
It doesn’t matter.
Sam, better than anyone, knows that a goodbye is not your last.
It certainly won’t be his.