The Sky is Over
Title: The Sky is Over
Author: cashay
Rating: R
Characters: Gabriels POV, but Dean, Sam, Castiel and some others also included
Spoilers: up until 5x19 Hammer of the Gods
Warnings: um tons of angst,
Disclaimer: I don't own anything - sadly.
Summary: Gabriel had changed over the centuries, from archangel to pagan god into something new.
Word Count: ~5517
Note1: A christmas gift for vyxenskye . Merry Christmas sweetie, I hope you like it!
So I had a vague idea and this is what cam out something totally different xD I like it though and I quite enjoyed taking a shot at writing my version of Gabriels past. Also it turned much longer than intended^^"
Note 2: Title taken from the song from Serj Tankian. Written for the hc_bingo , prompt “ostracised from society”
Also unbetaed, feel free to point out mistakes =)
Gabriel had never been a loner. There had been nothing more, maybe not even his father, who he had loved more than the presence of his countless siblings. He had loved them, all of them. But especially the younger ones. He had been happy to entertain them, to make their grace shine with joy. He needed that, needed the closeness.
He needed to feel his brothers and sisters around him. He needed to protect them and take care of them. That was who he was. He relished in the feeling of joy around him. He loved that he could make his siblings laugh and forgot everything they might worry about. And he even enjoyed talking to the humans, even though they only were capable of understanding him in a very limited way, he still actually liked to make them feel better after he had dumped the often more than hard tasks of god on them.
So yes, Gabriel had been happy. With his life, with his brothers and his sisters. He had loved their company, already missed them the short amount of time he had to spend on earth to follow the orders of god and bring them to the humans.
~*~
The war destroyed everything. His life, his happiness, everything Gabriel had ever had. His family, the angels he loved were burning, were in pain and every moment more of them perished into nothingness.
They hated each other. Gabriel could feel it trough the close bond he had to all of them. The twisted love that had turned into something that never should have entered heaven made him sick, his grace retreating more and more. He could not stand it.
Could not stand the hole were once joy and love had been. There was no devotion anymore, no real care even in the ranks of the different forces. They just wanted to be right, to win, no matter the price. With every day that passed they grew colder, so much colder it hurt Gabriel. It felt like someone was burning his grace in slow agony. Every day his world grew a little bit colder, every day it felt a bit more wrong. A bit more like he was dying himself.
He did not fight, he could not kill them, he loved them far to much, he just couldn't. But he felt like he was a part of it nonetheless. And it just was to much for him. To much pain, to much betrayal, to much hate, to much love. His home was transforming into something Gabriel barely even recognized.
~*~
He fled. And when he reached earth, cutting all of his bonds to his home and family he felt relieved. The hate was gone, the agony and the pain it all ended when he left heaven. At least for him. He would never have to feel it again. He was free!
But this feeling of freedom and relieve did not last long. Even though he did not longer feel the agony and the hate that had hurt him so much the loneliness was claiming its place. He had never been alone in his whole life. Always connected to his family, always a part of them, he had never been entirely alone. Even when he had been on earth he had always felt them, had heard their voices.
But now they were silent. There was no one missing him, no one urging him to come home.
And the loneliness started to kill him. He would scream every night, scream for his father, scream for his brothers and sisters. Scream for someone - anyone - to come to him. But he did not open his grace to them again. Because he was not sure if the pain or the silence was worse. He hated both. Hated his father for not interfering. Hated Michael and Lucifer as much as he loved them because they were dicks and they hurt each other. Hated all of his siblings for this silly fight that had destroyed their family. Hated himself for not being stronger, for running away when his family needed him. But he would not return. Because he couldn't.
~*~
At first Gabriel stayed away from everyone. Alone in the woods he tried to get used to this new, lonely life. But he did not stay there for long, needing people around him.
As soon as he came into the first village he concluded that had been a bad idea. He just... did not fit in. It was something about the way he moved and talked, that let people know that he did not belong. The archangel had not yet learned to act like a human and as he felt and heard their disgust about the stranger he fled the village, leaving for good.
That was when he started avoiding the humans that were so strange and feared him not because they knew who he was, but because he didn't fit in.
And sometimes, when he was especially lonely he asked himself if Lucifer maybe had been right. If maybe they should kill those humans after all. But it was to late. His older brother was in the cage and Gabriel was sure he was never going to see nor feel him ever again. Thousands of years later he would hope that he had been right and he would never have seen his brother again.
~*~
But even though he had learned to not interfere with humans he soon found he could not stand the loneliness either. The thought that he would have to live forever without anyone scared him more than anything ever would. It was the thing that made him go into the towns and villages, unseen. He just wanted to observe, just wanted to see the faint echo of the connection he had shared with his family in those mundane communities.
And on one of those silent days when he just stood there, watching a laughing family with happy children celebrating some stupid holy day or whatever it was this time, he really encountered one of the pagan gods the first time. He had heard of them, sure. Had even made brief contact with some but never like this.
She had been next to him in a matter of seconds here eyes looking curious and a little bit bewildered, but there was no fear as Gabriel was used to see in humans. As this was no human, thinking she would show fear was probably a dumb thought but as an archangel Gabriel was used to getting respect.
But this pagan god showed no respect and no fear, not even the hint of anything more than curiosity and something Gabriel could only describe as old. Behind her he felt another presence, far more angry and wilder and he caught the glimpse of a man, knife in his hand, tall and fierce looking. Well he looked far more than just interested in the fact he was here.
“An angel of The Lord...”, the woman chuckled stepping closer with catlike grace and as he focused his gaze onto her eyes he now noticed the pupils which were those of a cat too. Her black hair moved in the cool breeze of the evening, the only thing about her that was not perfectly controlled. As she stepped even closer, now nearly touching him the man behind her growled, sounding like a lion. She hissed, probably at both of them, and bared teeth that were those of a cat too. “We do not want your kind here! Leave.”
It was probably the long loneliness and the fact that he was happy to meet anyone and talk. He didn't mind that it was likely she would later try to kill him. So he chuckled, dark and dangerous, his eyes did not leave the ones of the catlike pagan god once. He was not going to show weakness to her or anyone else. He was an archangel of The Lord damn it! “Make me.”, he provoked, not caring about the fact that he actually hated to fight and kill.
But being cut off from the host too long changed you and even though Gabriel had not counted the years as they were nothing to him they were probably many in human eyes. Apparently he had developed some kind of dark side and well, it came in handy, one had to admit. The goddess looked at him surprised, speechless for a moment before she hissed even louder. “You dirty little angel should show some respect to beings older than you.”
“I seriously doubt that.”, still there was this smug grin on his face and the fact that he treated the female of the pagan gods without any respect seemed to infuriate the male. He roared. Well, if this was not going to be interesting...
Somewhere in the back of his mind a part of him that still thought logically and like an angel dwelled over the fact that they could feel he was an angel. This was not good. Because if they could his family surely could too. And even though he missed them he did not want to return. Ever. But this part of him was currently only a small voice in the back of his mind. Now something darker, deadlier had come out to play.
It wasn't the cat lady that attacked him, but her hot minded companion. He jumped at Gabriel from the side, trying to tackle him and rip him apart with his bare hands. But he had not seen coming what Gabriel had in store for him. Which was simply dis- and reappearing a few feet away. Through his force and speed the male god wasn't able to stop and stumbled, falling down in a very, very embarrassing way.
Laughter was heard from Gabriel and he ironically applauded the growling man. “Well done hotspur.”, he mocked him, bright grin on his face. He might look small but those gods should never underestimate one of his kind. His attacker was about to get back on his feet but Gabriel snapped and he was suddenly pinned to the ground again. “Stay there.”, he commanded in his most disrespectful voice and turned to the female who looked like she hadn't moved one muscle. “The adults need to talk.”
Slowly he strolled closer to her, smirk in place. And there was actually a smile on her face, delicate lips curved upwards only a tiny bit. “You would make a fine god. ”, she complimented and moved with grandeur to the man on the ground. “But whatever you are, you are certainly no angel, even though you feel like one.”
~*~
That was when Gabriel decided, that yes, maybe he would make a fine god. It was hard at first to hide his angelic nature, change his grace into something different. Because it didn't feel right. It felt... like betrayal. Like he betrayed his family yet again. And this was plain irony, right? He had left them so long ago and yet this was the first time it really occurred him, that they probably really thought he had betrayed them. All of them.
But he had not done that. At least this hadn't been what he thought about it at the time. He had fled, not because of betrayal but because he had to, he couldn't have lived another day feeling all this pain.
It were those thoughts that made him realize, that he could never go back. Never. Even though he had gone into hiding he had still somehow hoped to get back to his family some day. That in some distant day all of this would be solved and there would be a way for him to just get back. Get away from the loneliness and the hurt. And it wasn't until now that he realized there never would be a going back.
Whatever happened he would not be able to ever be a part of heaven again. He would never be able to be part of this family again. He was a discard, probably most of the angels talked about him like he was an abomination. If they talked about him at all and not had forgotten him.
It wasn't all that hard to force his grace back in that distant place in himself and instead embrace the darker part of him after that realization. If he could never be Gabriel the archangel again, he could as well become something else entirely. That was the day Loki was born.
~*~
It really hadn't been all that hard to be Loki, or the Trickster or whatever people called him. It was like he had found something that had always been there and he had just not allowed it to surface. Well now it was the opposite. The angelic part of him was hidden somewhere deep inside. In a dark corner where it could never escape from.
And he actually was happy. Being worshiped really wasn't that bad and if it meant stealing followers from Dad it was even better. He really had started to dislike his father - or rather Gabriels father. He could have interfered. Could have stopped the war that ripped them apart. But he had decided to not do that. And that was something even Loki hated him for.
But beside his really prominent hate for God Loki really was happy. He had followers and he had friends, enemies, allies everything that made life fun. Plus he had to bow to no one and had to follow no rules but his own. That was definitely a perk.
He could run freely, there was no need to care for anyones opinion. If he wanted to punish a village for turning to another god by letting a elephant herd appear right in the middle, he could do that. Well, that would maybe mean some... discussion with the other god but Loki was a mighty one. Another perk for sure.
~*~
So life was easy. Even though he was now part of the big, more or less happy pagan family his desire to be part of a group as close knitted as his angelic family was gone. He was just fine like this. Fighting with other pagan gods, having friendships - sometimes with benefits, affairs and all the good stuff.
Life was just fun for him. No consequences, nothing to worry about. No one he had to justify his actions to, there was no moral he had to follow. He could do whatever floated his boat. And there were a lot of things he found himself interested in doing. Most of them would let him end in hell if he was human. Orgies were the most tame of them.
It really felt good to be Loki and he pitied Gabriel for so long trying so hard to please his father and be a good son, brother, whatever. It was definitely not worth the effort. Life was so much easier like this, being a pagan god and all.
Loki would never ever go back to being an angel of The Lord. And why should he? It had brought Gabriel only pain and sorrow. So his other half could stay sleeping somewhere down there, locked up with his grace. It was for the better and Gabriel had seen it, otherwise he wouldn't have let Loki take the helm.
~*~
So it had been a long time that Loki had run the show. The pagan god that liked to bring justice with a certain twist or sometimes even injustice when he was in a particularly bad mood. He had developed a serious sweet tooth and had recently discovered the benefits of TV and the horror you could inflict with it. There were so many possibilities in the 20th century. They made Loki feel alive like he hadn't felt in quite some time.
And than he had to meet the Winchesters of all people. He had just had some fun with some assholes in a small town he didn't even remembered the name of. So he had worked as a janitor, or at least posed one to be right in and see the people interact and be able to pick some more victims. And where Gabriel had really sucked at mingling with humans, Loki was a natural born genius.
That changed when he met the Winchesters. They were all to insolent for their own good and tended to get themselves into trouble. Who the hell was dumb enough to go after a trickster after all? Obviously them and as if the fact that the Winchesters were trying to kill him would not be annoying enough alone, Gabriel was stirring in his cage.
Loki had almost forgotten about the angelic part of him, it had really been a long time since Gabriel had reacted to anything. And now suddenly he was actually trying to get free and take over. Loki wasn't sure what the fuck had triggered that. But he was fairly sure that it had something to do with the damn Winchester brothers. They really were a pain in the ass.
Every time they were near him Gabriel moved again, more aware than ever and even though he had taken his time to observe them Loki had not been able to find anything fairly special about them beside the fact that they were good hunters.
So he had decided to fake his own death to get them off his back and than keep an eye on them. Normally he would have killed them. But he felt Gabriels strong urge not to and so he didn't. He let them believe that they killed him and feel all happy and proud. Well, they wouldn't have felt half as good if they knew who had now a new found interest in them.
~*~
The second time he had really first seen them by accident and than had decided to not let the chance slip and mess a bit with them. Strange things had happened around the Winchesters since their first meeting. Loki knew that Sam had special powers and that the Winchesters had actually managed to bust a gate to hell open. Well they also killed Azazel, something Loki was fairly happy about - he had never liked the sorry son of a bitch.
Well and Dean Winchester had only one more year to live, because those Winchesters apparently had a thing for sacrifices. Again Gabriel in him began to stir, wanting to get out of his cage and get in contact with the Winchesters. But Loki kept him firmly locked. It was for the better.
Still he couldn't ignore Gabriels urges completely and even though his angelic part had probably had a totally different method of communication in mind Loki did it in his own way.
Not that it worked. Those Winchesters were not only prone for sacrifices but apparently immune to any lessons they could probably learn. Stupid idiots.
And even though Gabriel protested as Loki once more decided to leave the Winchesters behind - after he gave in to Sam's desperate pleading for his brother life - he did not bother and just told him to shut up.
Very, very sadly this should not be the last time he would see the Winchesters.
~*~
Long before he saw them again those lucky bastards managed to free Lucifer from his god damn cage. Even though Loki, as a pagan god, was normally very uncaring about what the angels were up too, this time even he got nervous. Lucifer walking the earth meant serious shit and he was about to be drawn in the middle off it.
Because Gabriel just wouldn't shut up. Ever since he first met the Winchesters Gabriel had been awake again, after thousands of years of blissful sleep. But since Lucifer was free and the angels were all over the place Gabriel really began to awake. Talking to him, pleading and cursing at him, but still he made no real move to break free. Because both of them knew what that would mean.
Still Gabriel kept talking in those strange Enochian tongues, not willing to go back to sleep now his brothers were walking the earth again. So close but still so far away. To far away.
~*~
The third time he meets the Winchester it's less meeting them and more luring them into a trap. Because Gabriel keeps bugging him about them, keeps wanting to meet them. He is far to obsessed with the human meatsuits of his older brothers and with the angel that accompanies them.
It's really not healthy how much he craves for some kind of connection to any of heavens forces but especially to this little rebellious angel. For whatever reason Loki did not know why he was so drawn to him and Gabriel made sure to keep his thoughts at bay and locked up in a place even Loki could not reach. This particular refusal to share his thoughts with his pagan part made Loki furious.
Before those Winchesters had come along it had been perfectly fine. Loki had kept Gabriel safe from the forces of heaven but also from his own pain and had lived a happy and very carefree life. Until those douchebags had to wake Gabriel up just by being there. And the sudden urge to get back in touch with those winged dicks made Loki even angrier.
So it really was of no big surprise that he wasn't really nice to the Winchesters. He would have hurt them instead of just embarrassing them but Gabriels refusal to let him do that was almost painful so he didn't. Instead he tried to teach them the damn lesson. They had to play their roles. There was no changing it and he just wanted it over with so Gabriel could go back to be at peace again. And he - Loki - could run the show alone like it was supposed to be.
The big, final battle of Lucifer and Michael did not interest him in the least. He didn't care about the apocalypse he would still be there after it was over. No doubt there. And it would be better when it was done. Because it would mean they could go back to normal.
Of course the whole 'bringing-them-to-accept-their-roles'-deal was bound to go wrong. And it did. Horribly, horribly wrong. At least for Loki that was. Because they figured it out. Those damn idiots had figured out, that he was actually an angel. And even though he was not, even though he was a damn pagan god he was in ways still bound to the weaknesses of the source of his power. The very angelic source of his power.
So he was trapped in a circle of damn holy oil, left at the mercy of those guys. He shouldn't have listened to Gabriel and just killed them and killed them every time they were resurrected. But no, he didn't so he was trapped. Forced to do smalltalk with those douches.
Since he didn't feel like elaborating his pagan and angelic side with them he just settled for letting them think he was actually Gabriel, the angel that was still trapped deep in him. And that went just fine until they decided to insult Gabriels brothers.
The archangel in him nearly burst out of the boundaries he had set himself and even though Loki was still kind of in charge it was Gabriel speaking through him, talking about his angelic family, about his home that hadn't brought anything but pain to him.
It is all to painful to listen to the angel speak, to feel his loss and his desperation. It wasn't fair. Gabriel was supposed to be save from all those feelings. Loki was supposed to save him, to protect him. That was the reason he had been born. But with every day that passed Loki grew more and more certain that he couldn't protect the angel much longer from the awful fate that was his family.
~*~
He was proven right, when all the other dumb pagan gods started some weird meeting to stop the apocalypse. Didn't they know they couldn't stop it? Didn't they know they should just let the angels do their thing and stay put? Didn't they realize they had no chance fighting the devil? Apparently not.
Most of them had never been very intelligent, but he had had a thing for Kali and really thought she wouldn't be as stupid. Well he was proven wrong a lot lately. So here he was on a mission to stop those idiots from getting themselves killed. He had grown fond of them over the time and even though he knew he should seek out some hole in the middle of nowhere and hide there until all of that was over he couldn't.
He just couldn't let the only family he, Loki, ever had die. He had to help them. Or more accurately he had to stop them. Plus saving the Winchesters once again would make Gabriel happy. Only it didn't work out - as always when those two were involved.
Somehow the pagans had found out that he was Gabriel. Or at least they thought so. Only he wasn't. Not really, not totally. He was a part of Gabriel but he was certainly no archangel. That didn't mean he couldn't be killed by an archangel killing blade. Actually he had kept all the weaknesses of an angel, thankfully lacking those of a pagan god. Because that would just really suck.
Still, the fact that his cover was blown again was so not good. He was bound to Kali now too and well generally the situation just sucked. It sucked even more when Kali tried to stab him with his own archangel killing blade because Loki really cared about her and he felt somehow betrayed, no matter how silly it was.
Since it wasn't really his blade it didn't do any harm but well you could say Loki was hurt. And he would have left than, stabbed (literally) by the people he had come to rescue but he couldn't. Gabriel wouldn't let him and it was that moment he realized how strong Gabriel had really gotten and how much the bond that hold him back and kept Loki in charge of protecting him had weakened over the last few months.
And when Dean talked to him in this firm voice of his, this angry, righteous tone, there were both Loki and Gabriel talking back. At first it was just Loki, telling them that they should get the hell out of there, that he would never give his real blade away because that thing could kill him damn it!
But when Dean told him those gods in there were his family, he was right. They were Lokis family, the only one he knew no matter if they stabbed him, he cared. A sudden flash inside of him - invisible for everyone else - and Gabriel was there, telling Dean as much as Loki that he could not kill his brother.
But as Dean left and Loki had pushed Gabriel away again, he felt the same urge in the archangel as he felt himself. The urge to help. To not turn away this time. He could not run. Not again. Once he had left his family in the terrible war, not able to see it anymore. But this time he couldn't leave. This time he had to be part of the whole thing. He had to do the same thing that Castiel had done.
And Loki suddenly realized why Gabriel had been so drawn to Castiel. Because he wished he had been able to do the same thing as the other angel from the start. Not just fleeing but joining, being a third side in this angelic war. He felt weak now, having left behind his family just because he couldn't handle.
Loki tried to reassure Gabriel that he hadn't been selfish, but Gabriel insisted that he should have lasted longer, should have done better. How he didn't know and it didn't matter because it was to late now. The only thing that mattered was what could be done right in this moment.
And right in this moment they could be inside, helping their friends, their family to fight Lucifer. The thought alone made Gabriel flinch, hurting all over because he loved his brother damn it! He did not want to hurt him, no matter what. But it didn't seem like he had a chance anymore. It was now or never.
The pain wouldn't go away if he just ignored what was happening. No matter if archangel or pagan god he had a responsibility for humankind. He had ran long enough from it, to long. Now it was time to fight the good fight and stand up for the people in his charge. But not only for them but also for the only family he had left.
~*~
This was the one thing Gabriel and Loki agreed upon. The rest was... more complicated. They were two persons in one body and both of the had a goal. For a short while there was something suspiciously close to a fight going on in him. Something neither of them had ever experienced because there had never been a question about who should lead.
It was Lucifers arrival that stopped it. The feeling of his tainted grace so painful for Gabriel that Loki wrapped himself around his angelic part without thinking about it and than they were melting, pouring together, blending in one form. One being, both pagan god and archangel of the Lord. Something more powerful than either of them had ever experienced.
Like a shock the sudden feeling of wholeness, not being alone anymore washed over them, leaving them breathless and out of their mind for one second. Before they realized there was no 'them' anymore. Not really at least. 'They' were on being, with one goal and the knowledge of two lives, two souls. Now they were no longer separated, they were Gabriel.
Gabriel before he fled from heaven. But also something entirely new, something neither of them wanted to understand. They just were.
Also there were more important matters at hand. For example Lucifer who had already begun to kill the pagan gods. It was only one blink and with the flutter of wings he was right beside the Winchesters, giving them the DVD - just in case. And the next moment he flung Lucifer across the room, appearing there with his archangel killing blade. Ready to do what he had never been able to do before.
Out of his mouth came not the words of an angel or a pagan god but the words of something in between, something mixed, unique. Because his dad had been right. Humans were better than them and he had decided to join them not Michael, not Lucifer. He was going to help people. People he cared about like Kali. And people he wanted to care about like Castiel or those annoying Winchester brothers.
For those people and the ones he was responsible for he would even fight his brother, the one thing he never wanted to do. He would tell him all the things he would have never told him otherwise. He would be strong. This time there was no running away. Because this time he was not alone. He would never be alone again.
~*~
In the end, Lucifer hadn't known all of his tricks. Because he hadn't showed him all of them. Lucifer had forgotten, that this was not the Gabriel he knew, but that he was also a pagan god. He knew things Lucifer couldn't even dream off.
And even though he had barely managed to escape this time he would not give up. Never again. There was no backing out this time, no fleeing and hiding. This time he was going to face it until the end. He was still sure it was going to end bloody for them - all of them.
But to hell with it! To hell with fate and destiny! To hell with everything! He had been supposed to die yesterday but he hadn't. He lived because he had become someone else. And if he could change fate than so could those two stubborn humans and their rebellious angel. Just now Gabriel had realized that you could do anything as long as your will was strong enough. And maybe, just maybe, the will of two humans and two angels to defy destiny would be strong enough to change the ways of the earth. Maybe, just maybe, the will of people was stronger than anything there was. Stronger than angels, stronger than demons and everything in between. And maybe, just maybe the free will alone was what made them better than the heavenly host could ever be.
Author: cashay
Rating: R
Characters: Gabriels POV, but Dean, Sam, Castiel and some others also included
Spoilers: up until 5x19 Hammer of the Gods
Warnings: um tons of angst,
Disclaimer: I don't own anything - sadly.
Summary: Gabriel had changed over the centuries, from archangel to pagan god into something new.
Word Count: ~5517
Note1: A christmas gift for vyxenskye . Merry Christmas sweetie, I hope you like it!
So I had a vague idea and this is what cam out something totally different xD I like it though and I quite enjoyed taking a shot at writing my version of Gabriels past. Also it turned much longer than intended^^"
Note 2: Title taken from the song from Serj Tankian. Written for the hc_bingo , prompt “ostracised from society”
Also unbetaed, feel free to point out mistakes =)
Gabriel had never been a loner. There had been nothing more, maybe not even his father, who he had loved more than the presence of his countless siblings. He had loved them, all of them. But especially the younger ones. He had been happy to entertain them, to make their grace shine with joy. He needed that, needed the closeness.
He needed to feel his brothers and sisters around him. He needed to protect them and take care of them. That was who he was. He relished in the feeling of joy around him. He loved that he could make his siblings laugh and forgot everything they might worry about. And he even enjoyed talking to the humans, even though they only were capable of understanding him in a very limited way, he still actually liked to make them feel better after he had dumped the often more than hard tasks of god on them.
So yes, Gabriel had been happy. With his life, with his brothers and his sisters. He had loved their company, already missed them the short amount of time he had to spend on earth to follow the orders of god and bring them to the humans.
~*~
The war destroyed everything. His life, his happiness, everything Gabriel had ever had. His family, the angels he loved were burning, were in pain and every moment more of them perished into nothingness.
They hated each other. Gabriel could feel it trough the close bond he had to all of them. The twisted love that had turned into something that never should have entered heaven made him sick, his grace retreating more and more. He could not stand it.
Could not stand the hole were once joy and love had been. There was no devotion anymore, no real care even in the ranks of the different forces. They just wanted to be right, to win, no matter the price. With every day that passed they grew colder, so much colder it hurt Gabriel. It felt like someone was burning his grace in slow agony. Every day his world grew a little bit colder, every day it felt a bit more wrong. A bit more like he was dying himself.
He did not fight, he could not kill them, he loved them far to much, he just couldn't. But he felt like he was a part of it nonetheless. And it just was to much for him. To much pain, to much betrayal, to much hate, to much love. His home was transforming into something Gabriel barely even recognized.
~*~
He fled. And when he reached earth, cutting all of his bonds to his home and family he felt relieved. The hate was gone, the agony and the pain it all ended when he left heaven. At least for him. He would never have to feel it again. He was free!
But this feeling of freedom and relieve did not last long. Even though he did not longer feel the agony and the hate that had hurt him so much the loneliness was claiming its place. He had never been alone in his whole life. Always connected to his family, always a part of them, he had never been entirely alone. Even when he had been on earth he had always felt them, had heard their voices.
But now they were silent. There was no one missing him, no one urging him to come home.
And the loneliness started to kill him. He would scream every night, scream for his father, scream for his brothers and sisters. Scream for someone - anyone - to come to him. But he did not open his grace to them again. Because he was not sure if the pain or the silence was worse. He hated both. Hated his father for not interfering. Hated Michael and Lucifer as much as he loved them because they were dicks and they hurt each other. Hated all of his siblings for this silly fight that had destroyed their family. Hated himself for not being stronger, for running away when his family needed him. But he would not return. Because he couldn't.
~*~
At first Gabriel stayed away from everyone. Alone in the woods he tried to get used to this new, lonely life. But he did not stay there for long, needing people around him.
As soon as he came into the first village he concluded that had been a bad idea. He just... did not fit in. It was something about the way he moved and talked, that let people know that he did not belong. The archangel had not yet learned to act like a human and as he felt and heard their disgust about the stranger he fled the village, leaving for good.
That was when he started avoiding the humans that were so strange and feared him not because they knew who he was, but because he didn't fit in.
And sometimes, when he was especially lonely he asked himself if Lucifer maybe had been right. If maybe they should kill those humans after all. But it was to late. His older brother was in the cage and Gabriel was sure he was never going to see nor feel him ever again. Thousands of years later he would hope that he had been right and he would never have seen his brother again.
~*~
But even though he had learned to not interfere with humans he soon found he could not stand the loneliness either. The thought that he would have to live forever without anyone scared him more than anything ever would. It was the thing that made him go into the towns and villages, unseen. He just wanted to observe, just wanted to see the faint echo of the connection he had shared with his family in those mundane communities.
And on one of those silent days when he just stood there, watching a laughing family with happy children celebrating some stupid holy day or whatever it was this time, he really encountered one of the pagan gods the first time. He had heard of them, sure. Had even made brief contact with some but never like this.
She had been next to him in a matter of seconds here eyes looking curious and a little bit bewildered, but there was no fear as Gabriel was used to see in humans. As this was no human, thinking she would show fear was probably a dumb thought but as an archangel Gabriel was used to getting respect.
But this pagan god showed no respect and no fear, not even the hint of anything more than curiosity and something Gabriel could only describe as old. Behind her he felt another presence, far more angry and wilder and he caught the glimpse of a man, knife in his hand, tall and fierce looking. Well he looked far more than just interested in the fact he was here.
“An angel of The Lord...”, the woman chuckled stepping closer with catlike grace and as he focused his gaze onto her eyes he now noticed the pupils which were those of a cat too. Her black hair moved in the cool breeze of the evening, the only thing about her that was not perfectly controlled. As she stepped even closer, now nearly touching him the man behind her growled, sounding like a lion. She hissed, probably at both of them, and bared teeth that were those of a cat too. “We do not want your kind here! Leave.”
It was probably the long loneliness and the fact that he was happy to meet anyone and talk. He didn't mind that it was likely she would later try to kill him. So he chuckled, dark and dangerous, his eyes did not leave the ones of the catlike pagan god once. He was not going to show weakness to her or anyone else. He was an archangel of The Lord damn it! “Make me.”, he provoked, not caring about the fact that he actually hated to fight and kill.
But being cut off from the host too long changed you and even though Gabriel had not counted the years as they were nothing to him they were probably many in human eyes. Apparently he had developed some kind of dark side and well, it came in handy, one had to admit. The goddess looked at him surprised, speechless for a moment before she hissed even louder. “You dirty little angel should show some respect to beings older than you.”
“I seriously doubt that.”, still there was this smug grin on his face and the fact that he treated the female of the pagan gods without any respect seemed to infuriate the male. He roared. Well, if this was not going to be interesting...
Somewhere in the back of his mind a part of him that still thought logically and like an angel dwelled over the fact that they could feel he was an angel. This was not good. Because if they could his family surely could too. And even though he missed them he did not want to return. Ever. But this part of him was currently only a small voice in the back of his mind. Now something darker, deadlier had come out to play.
It wasn't the cat lady that attacked him, but her hot minded companion. He jumped at Gabriel from the side, trying to tackle him and rip him apart with his bare hands. But he had not seen coming what Gabriel had in store for him. Which was simply dis- and reappearing a few feet away. Through his force and speed the male god wasn't able to stop and stumbled, falling down in a very, very embarrassing way.
Laughter was heard from Gabriel and he ironically applauded the growling man. “Well done hotspur.”, he mocked him, bright grin on his face. He might look small but those gods should never underestimate one of his kind. His attacker was about to get back on his feet but Gabriel snapped and he was suddenly pinned to the ground again. “Stay there.”, he commanded in his most disrespectful voice and turned to the female who looked like she hadn't moved one muscle. “The adults need to talk.”
Slowly he strolled closer to her, smirk in place. And there was actually a smile on her face, delicate lips curved upwards only a tiny bit. “You would make a fine god. ”, she complimented and moved with grandeur to the man on the ground. “But whatever you are, you are certainly no angel, even though you feel like one.”
~*~
That was when Gabriel decided, that yes, maybe he would make a fine god. It was hard at first to hide his angelic nature, change his grace into something different. Because it didn't feel right. It felt... like betrayal. Like he betrayed his family yet again. And this was plain irony, right? He had left them so long ago and yet this was the first time it really occurred him, that they probably really thought he had betrayed them. All of them.
But he had not done that. At least this hadn't been what he thought about it at the time. He had fled, not because of betrayal but because he had to, he couldn't have lived another day feeling all this pain.
It were those thoughts that made him realize, that he could never go back. Never. Even though he had gone into hiding he had still somehow hoped to get back to his family some day. That in some distant day all of this would be solved and there would be a way for him to just get back. Get away from the loneliness and the hurt. And it wasn't until now that he realized there never would be a going back.
Whatever happened he would not be able to ever be a part of heaven again. He would never be able to be part of this family again. He was a discard, probably most of the angels talked about him like he was an abomination. If they talked about him at all and not had forgotten him.
It wasn't all that hard to force his grace back in that distant place in himself and instead embrace the darker part of him after that realization. If he could never be Gabriel the archangel again, he could as well become something else entirely. That was the day Loki was born.
~*~
It really hadn't been all that hard to be Loki, or the Trickster or whatever people called him. It was like he had found something that had always been there and he had just not allowed it to surface. Well now it was the opposite. The angelic part of him was hidden somewhere deep inside. In a dark corner where it could never escape from.
And he actually was happy. Being worshiped really wasn't that bad and if it meant stealing followers from Dad it was even better. He really had started to dislike his father - or rather Gabriels father. He could have interfered. Could have stopped the war that ripped them apart. But he had decided to not do that. And that was something even Loki hated him for.
But beside his really prominent hate for God Loki really was happy. He had followers and he had friends, enemies, allies everything that made life fun. Plus he had to bow to no one and had to follow no rules but his own. That was definitely a perk.
He could run freely, there was no need to care for anyones opinion. If he wanted to punish a village for turning to another god by letting a elephant herd appear right in the middle, he could do that. Well, that would maybe mean some... discussion with the other god but Loki was a mighty one. Another perk for sure.
~*~
So life was easy. Even though he was now part of the big, more or less happy pagan family his desire to be part of a group as close knitted as his angelic family was gone. He was just fine like this. Fighting with other pagan gods, having friendships - sometimes with benefits, affairs and all the good stuff.
Life was just fun for him. No consequences, nothing to worry about. No one he had to justify his actions to, there was no moral he had to follow. He could do whatever floated his boat. And there were a lot of things he found himself interested in doing. Most of them would let him end in hell if he was human. Orgies were the most tame of them.
It really felt good to be Loki and he pitied Gabriel for so long trying so hard to please his father and be a good son, brother, whatever. It was definitely not worth the effort. Life was so much easier like this, being a pagan god and all.
Loki would never ever go back to being an angel of The Lord. And why should he? It had brought Gabriel only pain and sorrow. So his other half could stay sleeping somewhere down there, locked up with his grace. It was for the better and Gabriel had seen it, otherwise he wouldn't have let Loki take the helm.
~*~
So it had been a long time that Loki had run the show. The pagan god that liked to bring justice with a certain twist or sometimes even injustice when he was in a particularly bad mood. He had developed a serious sweet tooth and had recently discovered the benefits of TV and the horror you could inflict with it. There were so many possibilities in the 20th century. They made Loki feel alive like he hadn't felt in quite some time.
And than he had to meet the Winchesters of all people. He had just had some fun with some assholes in a small town he didn't even remembered the name of. So he had worked as a janitor, or at least posed one to be right in and see the people interact and be able to pick some more victims. And where Gabriel had really sucked at mingling with humans, Loki was a natural born genius.
That changed when he met the Winchesters. They were all to insolent for their own good and tended to get themselves into trouble. Who the hell was dumb enough to go after a trickster after all? Obviously them and as if the fact that the Winchesters were trying to kill him would not be annoying enough alone, Gabriel was stirring in his cage.
Loki had almost forgotten about the angelic part of him, it had really been a long time since Gabriel had reacted to anything. And now suddenly he was actually trying to get free and take over. Loki wasn't sure what the fuck had triggered that. But he was fairly sure that it had something to do with the damn Winchester brothers. They really were a pain in the ass.
Every time they were near him Gabriel moved again, more aware than ever and even though he had taken his time to observe them Loki had not been able to find anything fairly special about them beside the fact that they were good hunters.
So he had decided to fake his own death to get them off his back and than keep an eye on them. Normally he would have killed them. But he felt Gabriels strong urge not to and so he didn't. He let them believe that they killed him and feel all happy and proud. Well, they wouldn't have felt half as good if they knew who had now a new found interest in them.
~*~
The second time he had really first seen them by accident and than had decided to not let the chance slip and mess a bit with them. Strange things had happened around the Winchesters since their first meeting. Loki knew that Sam had special powers and that the Winchesters had actually managed to bust a gate to hell open. Well they also killed Azazel, something Loki was fairly happy about - he had never liked the sorry son of a bitch.
Well and Dean Winchester had only one more year to live, because those Winchesters apparently had a thing for sacrifices. Again Gabriel in him began to stir, wanting to get out of his cage and get in contact with the Winchesters. But Loki kept him firmly locked. It was for the better.
Still he couldn't ignore Gabriels urges completely and even though his angelic part had probably had a totally different method of communication in mind Loki did it in his own way.
Not that it worked. Those Winchesters were not only prone for sacrifices but apparently immune to any lessons they could probably learn. Stupid idiots.
And even though Gabriel protested as Loki once more decided to leave the Winchesters behind - after he gave in to Sam's desperate pleading for his brother life - he did not bother and just told him to shut up.
Very, very sadly this should not be the last time he would see the Winchesters.
~*~
Long before he saw them again those lucky bastards managed to free Lucifer from his god damn cage. Even though Loki, as a pagan god, was normally very uncaring about what the angels were up too, this time even he got nervous. Lucifer walking the earth meant serious shit and he was about to be drawn in the middle off it.
Because Gabriel just wouldn't shut up. Ever since he first met the Winchesters Gabriel had been awake again, after thousands of years of blissful sleep. But since Lucifer was free and the angels were all over the place Gabriel really began to awake. Talking to him, pleading and cursing at him, but still he made no real move to break free. Because both of them knew what that would mean.
Still Gabriel kept talking in those strange Enochian tongues, not willing to go back to sleep now his brothers were walking the earth again. So close but still so far away. To far away.
~*~
The third time he meets the Winchester it's less meeting them and more luring them into a trap. Because Gabriel keeps bugging him about them, keeps wanting to meet them. He is far to obsessed with the human meatsuits of his older brothers and with the angel that accompanies them.
It's really not healthy how much he craves for some kind of connection to any of heavens forces but especially to this little rebellious angel. For whatever reason Loki did not know why he was so drawn to him and Gabriel made sure to keep his thoughts at bay and locked up in a place even Loki could not reach. This particular refusal to share his thoughts with his pagan part made Loki furious.
Before those Winchesters had come along it had been perfectly fine. Loki had kept Gabriel safe from the forces of heaven but also from his own pain and had lived a happy and very carefree life. Until those douchebags had to wake Gabriel up just by being there. And the sudden urge to get back in touch with those winged dicks made Loki even angrier.
So it really was of no big surprise that he wasn't really nice to the Winchesters. He would have hurt them instead of just embarrassing them but Gabriels refusal to let him do that was almost painful so he didn't. Instead he tried to teach them the damn lesson. They had to play their roles. There was no changing it and he just wanted it over with so Gabriel could go back to be at peace again. And he - Loki - could run the show alone like it was supposed to be.
The big, final battle of Lucifer and Michael did not interest him in the least. He didn't care about the apocalypse he would still be there after it was over. No doubt there. And it would be better when it was done. Because it would mean they could go back to normal.
Of course the whole 'bringing-them-to-accept-their-roles'-deal was bound to go wrong. And it did. Horribly, horribly wrong. At least for Loki that was. Because they figured it out. Those damn idiots had figured out, that he was actually an angel. And even though he was not, even though he was a damn pagan god he was in ways still bound to the weaknesses of the source of his power. The very angelic source of his power.
So he was trapped in a circle of damn holy oil, left at the mercy of those guys. He shouldn't have listened to Gabriel and just killed them and killed them every time they were resurrected. But no, he didn't so he was trapped. Forced to do smalltalk with those douches.
Since he didn't feel like elaborating his pagan and angelic side with them he just settled for letting them think he was actually Gabriel, the angel that was still trapped deep in him. And that went just fine until they decided to insult Gabriels brothers.
The archangel in him nearly burst out of the boundaries he had set himself and even though Loki was still kind of in charge it was Gabriel speaking through him, talking about his angelic family, about his home that hadn't brought anything but pain to him.
It is all to painful to listen to the angel speak, to feel his loss and his desperation. It wasn't fair. Gabriel was supposed to be save from all those feelings. Loki was supposed to save him, to protect him. That was the reason he had been born. But with every day that passed Loki grew more and more certain that he couldn't protect the angel much longer from the awful fate that was his family.
~*~
He was proven right, when all the other dumb pagan gods started some weird meeting to stop the apocalypse. Didn't they know they couldn't stop it? Didn't they know they should just let the angels do their thing and stay put? Didn't they realize they had no chance fighting the devil? Apparently not.
Most of them had never been very intelligent, but he had had a thing for Kali and really thought she wouldn't be as stupid. Well he was proven wrong a lot lately. So here he was on a mission to stop those idiots from getting themselves killed. He had grown fond of them over the time and even though he knew he should seek out some hole in the middle of nowhere and hide there until all of that was over he couldn't.
He just couldn't let the only family he, Loki, ever had die. He had to help them. Or more accurately he had to stop them. Plus saving the Winchesters once again would make Gabriel happy. Only it didn't work out - as always when those two were involved.
Somehow the pagans had found out that he was Gabriel. Or at least they thought so. Only he wasn't. Not really, not totally. He was a part of Gabriel but he was certainly no archangel. That didn't mean he couldn't be killed by an archangel killing blade. Actually he had kept all the weaknesses of an angel, thankfully lacking those of a pagan god. Because that would just really suck.
Still, the fact that his cover was blown again was so not good. He was bound to Kali now too and well generally the situation just sucked. It sucked even more when Kali tried to stab him with his own archangel killing blade because Loki really cared about her and he felt somehow betrayed, no matter how silly it was.
Since it wasn't really his blade it didn't do any harm but well you could say Loki was hurt. And he would have left than, stabbed (literally) by the people he had come to rescue but he couldn't. Gabriel wouldn't let him and it was that moment he realized how strong Gabriel had really gotten and how much the bond that hold him back and kept Loki in charge of protecting him had weakened over the last few months.
And when Dean talked to him in this firm voice of his, this angry, righteous tone, there were both Loki and Gabriel talking back. At first it was just Loki, telling them that they should get the hell out of there, that he would never give his real blade away because that thing could kill him damn it!
But when Dean told him those gods in there were his family, he was right. They were Lokis family, the only one he knew no matter if they stabbed him, he cared. A sudden flash inside of him - invisible for everyone else - and Gabriel was there, telling Dean as much as Loki that he could not kill his brother.
But as Dean left and Loki had pushed Gabriel away again, he felt the same urge in the archangel as he felt himself. The urge to help. To not turn away this time. He could not run. Not again. Once he had left his family in the terrible war, not able to see it anymore. But this time he couldn't leave. This time he had to be part of the whole thing. He had to do the same thing that Castiel had done.
And Loki suddenly realized why Gabriel had been so drawn to Castiel. Because he wished he had been able to do the same thing as the other angel from the start. Not just fleeing but joining, being a third side in this angelic war. He felt weak now, having left behind his family just because he couldn't handle.
Loki tried to reassure Gabriel that he hadn't been selfish, but Gabriel insisted that he should have lasted longer, should have done better. How he didn't know and it didn't matter because it was to late now. The only thing that mattered was what could be done right in this moment.
And right in this moment they could be inside, helping their friends, their family to fight Lucifer. The thought alone made Gabriel flinch, hurting all over because he loved his brother damn it! He did not want to hurt him, no matter what. But it didn't seem like he had a chance anymore. It was now or never.
The pain wouldn't go away if he just ignored what was happening. No matter if archangel or pagan god he had a responsibility for humankind. He had ran long enough from it, to long. Now it was time to fight the good fight and stand up for the people in his charge. But not only for them but also for the only family he had left.
~*~
This was the one thing Gabriel and Loki agreed upon. The rest was... more complicated. They were two persons in one body and both of the had a goal. For a short while there was something suspiciously close to a fight going on in him. Something neither of them had ever experienced because there had never been a question about who should lead.
It was Lucifers arrival that stopped it. The feeling of his tainted grace so painful for Gabriel that Loki wrapped himself around his angelic part without thinking about it and than they were melting, pouring together, blending in one form. One being, both pagan god and archangel of the Lord. Something more powerful than either of them had ever experienced.
Like a shock the sudden feeling of wholeness, not being alone anymore washed over them, leaving them breathless and out of their mind for one second. Before they realized there was no 'them' anymore. Not really at least. 'They' were on being, with one goal and the knowledge of two lives, two souls. Now they were no longer separated, they were Gabriel.
Gabriel before he fled from heaven. But also something entirely new, something neither of them wanted to understand. They just were.
Also there were more important matters at hand. For example Lucifer who had already begun to kill the pagan gods. It was only one blink and with the flutter of wings he was right beside the Winchesters, giving them the DVD - just in case. And the next moment he flung Lucifer across the room, appearing there with his archangel killing blade. Ready to do what he had never been able to do before.
Out of his mouth came not the words of an angel or a pagan god but the words of something in between, something mixed, unique. Because his dad had been right. Humans were better than them and he had decided to join them not Michael, not Lucifer. He was going to help people. People he cared about like Kali. And people he wanted to care about like Castiel or those annoying Winchester brothers.
For those people and the ones he was responsible for he would even fight his brother, the one thing he never wanted to do. He would tell him all the things he would have never told him otherwise. He would be strong. This time there was no running away. Because this time he was not alone. He would never be alone again.
~*~
In the end, Lucifer hadn't known all of his tricks. Because he hadn't showed him all of them. Lucifer had forgotten, that this was not the Gabriel he knew, but that he was also a pagan god. He knew things Lucifer couldn't even dream off.
And even though he had barely managed to escape this time he would not give up. Never again. There was no backing out this time, no fleeing and hiding. This time he was going to face it until the end. He was still sure it was going to end bloody for them - all of them.
But to hell with it! To hell with fate and destiny! To hell with everything! He had been supposed to die yesterday but he hadn't. He lived because he had become someone else. And if he could change fate than so could those two stubborn humans and their rebellious angel. Just now Gabriel had realized that you could do anything as long as your will was strong enough. And maybe, just maybe, the will of two humans and two angels to defy destiny would be strong enough to change the ways of the earth. Maybe, just maybe, the will of people was stronger than anything there was. Stronger than angels, stronger than demons and everything in between. And maybe, just maybe the free will alone was what made them better than the heavenly host could ever be.