While It Lasts - pinch hit for mercuryblue114
Author/artist: slartibartfast
Recipient: mercuryblue144
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: AU where John is dead, slight hints at homophobic behaviour.
Pairing: Ellen/Mary
Summary: With their husbands gone and their children growing up fast, Ellen and Mary find solace in each other. As they build their life together, nothing is going to get in their way, no matter what.
Notes: This is a pinch-hit, beta is the lovely thunder_nari. Prompts were for a kick-ass domestic/hunter duo of the two of them and how could I resist writing that? I hope you enjoy!
Whenever things get tough, I think about that one day where Ellen took my tears and my anger and turned it right. It's been years and the words still stick.
---
She said:
They all look so smug and pleased with themselves but scratch that perfect unscarred skin and they'll bleed fear. Remember that, Mary. No one's gonna face you down. No one's gonna hurt you. Gonna make sure of that.
---
That was when our relationship was new. We've built something stronger now but her words still ring true.
The neighbors may as well be clutching their goddamn pearls as I pile the kids into the car. Dean's noisy today, making up for Sam's sullen silence at being dragged grocery shopping but while it's Ellen's turn to hunt I've got no choice. No matter how many times Dean insists that he's old enough to look after Sam and Jo, the time hasn't come yet where I'll let my baby grow up that much.
Beside which, he's twelve, not twenty.
Jo sits up front in her little seat, all safely strapped in but I still double check. Ellen trusts me with her and I've never let that woman down. I can't help messing up her pretty blonde hair but she's too busy pretending her doll is the mightiest superhero in America - no, the world, she has ambition - to neaten it up again.
"Everyone ready?" I ask to two quiet affirmations and one stubborn negative. I roll my eyes at Sam and chuck the three of them candy from the glove compartment.
As I drive, I see Mr. Harris in my side mirror. He's watching us and he isn't smiling.
No one's gonna hurt you.
I roll my eyes at him, too.
---
"Ellen?"
I don't usually call while it's Ellen's turn to hunt. It's against our rules but it's been two days and she hasn't checked in. My heart hasn't slowed for an hour as I think how easy it could be to lose her. I lost John. I know how easily life can slip through into the past.
The kids need their moms and one of us is always with them but that doesn't mean I don't wish I was with Ellen, watching her back.
"Ellen, pick up the damn phone," I snap into the dull ringing.
Jo's standing in the kitchen doorway, empty plastic beaker in her hand. She stares at me; I hadn't noticed her there. I smile shakily at her and she opens the fridge, eyes still on me as she pulls out the milk. She's got the same frank stare as her mother. One day she'll be tough, unbreakable; she's growing up with two hunters for moms and two older brothers. I can already see the strength in Jo blossoming every day.
"Is that mommy?" Jo asks, chin tipped up and hand outstretched now her glass is topped up with cool milk. "I wanna speak to her."
I'm saved from refusing her and from the conversation that would inevitably follow when Ellen's tired voice comes through at last. "Mary? I swear to god, if you call me past midnight again -"
Jo snatches the phone and I let her, grinning. Ellen's alive. I don't get to talk to her but it doesn't matter: she's alive.
When Jo goes back to bed a couple of minutes later, content and quiet, I go to my own room. It's never easy to sleep without Ellen's sure weight against mine but with the brief sound of her voice in my memory, close enough that it seems her breath tickles my skin, I don't even dream.
---
You ever need me, I'm gonna be right here. No more late night drives or weeks apart. I'm here. We'll do this together.
---
The next time I find a hunt, I almost don't go. It's not far; a couple hours in the car and only a simple exorcism. I wouldn't go except it's a favor for a friend and I never leave one in need.
Demons make my skin crawl. I throw this one back in the pit within the day and I'd drive home except I can hardly keep my eyes open, I'm so exhausted. I lie on the dusty motel bed and think again how I saved John from ever knowing this life. That demon did my husband a favor.
I hope my three kids never know this life, though I know they probably will. It's in their blood. I'm saved from dwelling on that thought when I wonder when I started thinking of Jo as my own.
Though I don't have much energy left to hold a conversation, the thought makes me want to talk to Ellen. I pick up my phone and dial that familiar number. It hardly rings and I guess she's been worrying about me just like I'd worried about her. It makes me smile. "Hey, Ellen."
"Hey, Mary," Ellen says. She takes a long breath and I can picture her at the back door, leaning against the frame as she gazes out past the porch to our unkempt yard. I see the curl of smoke from her lips, the ash from her cigarette against the dark wood. For a second I long so hard for home I'm surprised it doesn't materialize around me. "How's the hunt going?"
"It's done," I say. I stretch my aching legs and then lie on my side, eyes closed. With her voice so close to me I can pretend she's here. "How are the kids?"
"Dean's spent all day trying to beat Jo at some game on the PlayStation," Ellen says, "while Sam's mostly been reading that book on the solar system he picked up from the library."
"Pretty much the usual then," I say. The laugh wears me out but it fades quickly and then, in a voice so quiet I hardly hear it myself, I admit what we both try not to. "I miss you."
Ellen doesn't say 'you've been gone fourteen hours'. She doesn't laugh. She just sighs out a soft breath that I know would be spun with smoke. "Yeah, Mary, I miss you too. Hurry home in the morning, okay?"
"Okay," I say. Then, "Do you think we should give it up?"
She doesn't need to ask what I mean. "Sometimes," she admits. "Hunting isn't great when you have kids. But you know we'd go running at the first hint of a hunt even if we agreed to stop. You know that. We've been doing it too long, it's in our blood."
I think back to our strange childhood. I met Ellen five days after my eighth birthday and we hated each other instantly but it was born of similarity and competitiveness; once we realized we were both pretty evenly matched when it came to throwing knives, we were friends for life. More than friends, now. Much more. "I guess so."
"Didn't you enjoy it today?"
"Yeah," I say. Of course I did, there's nothing like sending something like that back where it belongs. Every hunt feels like saving the world. "Just…"
"Just come home tomorrow and I'll make you that tuna bake," Ellen says. "Stop thinking so hard. You're tired. I love you but you are an idiot. Go to sleep."
"Wanted to talk to you," I murmur, then realize I'm going to obey her whether I want to or not. I can't open my eyes anymore and my fingers are limp against the phone. "See you tomorrow. I love you."
---
Stop pretending this isn't what you want. I'm gonna be here for you. You love me, and that's okay because I love you too. Anything that stands between our family and happiness, we're gonna cut it down because that's what we do. No matter what.
---
Nothing's perfect. If a hunter knows anything, it's that. You think you've found the perfect way to aim, you're wrong. One time in ten - or fifty or a hundred - you will miss. If you think you've found the perfect escape, you're wrong too; there's always something around the corner.
The first time Sam gets so angry the sofa skids back five inches, I know this is the road block I've been waiting for. It's almost a relief.
I hold him close and Ellen joins us. He doesn't understand, neither do Jo or Dean as they hover close and watch with matching frowns, but I see the tears in Ellen's eyes and it summons up my own.
Later, when the kids are in bed, I can't breathe for them.
"I thought -"
"Doesn't matter what you thought," Ellen interrupts. "Buck up. Your kid's got a few freaky powers, what does that matter? Bring him up good and you know he's never gonna give in to that. You knew this was coming. We knew it."
"Yeah," I agree reluctantly. I look down at my shaking hands and hate them for their weakness. If I'm going to get my son through this, I'm gonna need a better backbone than this. Still my hands don't stop trembling until Ellen's gun-rough hands rest over mine and it's only then that I can breathe out slowly, tension easing. I smile tightly at her earnest stare. "Yeah," I repeat with more certainty. "Sammy's a good boy. This isn't - this doesn't change anything."
"We knew it was coming," Ellen says again, "and I know you've got a bag packed to hunt that son of a bitch down. Alone. Well I'm telling you, it ain't gonna happen. Whatever that yellow-eyed asshole is, you're not hunting him alone. I'm not gonna let you do that."
"It's the only way," I say. There's no point in denying what I was planning. Ellen knows me far too well and I hope for once she'll back down from this argument. I'm too strung out to hold it together for long.
Ellen shakes her head. "It's not a way at all. “You're a good hunter but you don't know what you're up against. You do know you're not coming out of that in one piece, mind or body.”
"They're just kids. I can't let them grow up like I did."
"Was it that bad? Really?" Ellen demands. "'Cause we turned out okay. Knowing how to kick ass in a dangerous world is hardly gonna put our kids at a disadvantage. Trouble's coming and you know it. You really want them to be unprepared?"
I look out the window. It could work, I know that. Truth is I always knew this day would come just as every hunter always does. Why else would I have kept hunting even with three kids to care for? Why would I insist on self-defense and martial arts lessons for every one of them and why would I test and correct what they had been taught? I had been keeping us ready for this moment and so was Ellen. I see it now. The sun is setting outside and I already know we'll be gone by the time it rises.
Ellen is still holding my hand and I squeeze her fingers tightly. She calms my fear but not my thudding heart; even after all these years, it still skips when I look at her. I lean my forehead against her shoulder and she runs her coarse fingers through my hair.
The tears rinse me free of doubt. Minutes pass leaving my eyes vivid and sore and Ellen's shirt wet but I feel peace in our new purpose. I lift my head and smile at this angel sent to carry me through the impossible.
"Well," I say with a swift and pointed glance around the house we'd made our own, "it was nice while it lasted."
---
No matter what.
Recipient: mercuryblue144
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: AU where John is dead, slight hints at homophobic behaviour.
Pairing: Ellen/Mary
Summary: With their husbands gone and their children growing up fast, Ellen and Mary find solace in each other. As they build their life together, nothing is going to get in their way, no matter what.
Notes: This is a pinch-hit, beta is the lovely thunder_nari. Prompts were for a kick-ass domestic/hunter duo of the two of them and how could I resist writing that? I hope you enjoy!
Whenever things get tough, I think about that one day where Ellen took my tears and my anger and turned it right. It's been years and the words still stick.
---
She said:
They all look so smug and pleased with themselves but scratch that perfect unscarred skin and they'll bleed fear. Remember that, Mary. No one's gonna face you down. No one's gonna hurt you. Gonna make sure of that.
---
That was when our relationship was new. We've built something stronger now but her words still ring true.
The neighbors may as well be clutching their goddamn pearls as I pile the kids into the car. Dean's noisy today, making up for Sam's sullen silence at being dragged grocery shopping but while it's Ellen's turn to hunt I've got no choice. No matter how many times Dean insists that he's old enough to look after Sam and Jo, the time hasn't come yet where I'll let my baby grow up that much.
Beside which, he's twelve, not twenty.
Jo sits up front in her little seat, all safely strapped in but I still double check. Ellen trusts me with her and I've never let that woman down. I can't help messing up her pretty blonde hair but she's too busy pretending her doll is the mightiest superhero in America - no, the world, she has ambition - to neaten it up again.
"Everyone ready?" I ask to two quiet affirmations and one stubborn negative. I roll my eyes at Sam and chuck the three of them candy from the glove compartment.
As I drive, I see Mr. Harris in my side mirror. He's watching us and he isn't smiling.
No one's gonna hurt you.
I roll my eyes at him, too.
---
"Ellen?"
I don't usually call while it's Ellen's turn to hunt. It's against our rules but it's been two days and she hasn't checked in. My heart hasn't slowed for an hour as I think how easy it could be to lose her. I lost John. I know how easily life can slip through into the past.
The kids need their moms and one of us is always with them but that doesn't mean I don't wish I was with Ellen, watching her back.
"Ellen, pick up the damn phone," I snap into the dull ringing.
Jo's standing in the kitchen doorway, empty plastic beaker in her hand. She stares at me; I hadn't noticed her there. I smile shakily at her and she opens the fridge, eyes still on me as she pulls out the milk. She's got the same frank stare as her mother. One day she'll be tough, unbreakable; she's growing up with two hunters for moms and two older brothers. I can already see the strength in Jo blossoming every day.
"Is that mommy?" Jo asks, chin tipped up and hand outstretched now her glass is topped up with cool milk. "I wanna speak to her."
I'm saved from refusing her and from the conversation that would inevitably follow when Ellen's tired voice comes through at last. "Mary? I swear to god, if you call me past midnight again -"
Jo snatches the phone and I let her, grinning. Ellen's alive. I don't get to talk to her but it doesn't matter: she's alive.
When Jo goes back to bed a couple of minutes later, content and quiet, I go to my own room. It's never easy to sleep without Ellen's sure weight against mine but with the brief sound of her voice in my memory, close enough that it seems her breath tickles my skin, I don't even dream.
---
You ever need me, I'm gonna be right here. No more late night drives or weeks apart. I'm here. We'll do this together.
---
The next time I find a hunt, I almost don't go. It's not far; a couple hours in the car and only a simple exorcism. I wouldn't go except it's a favor for a friend and I never leave one in need.
Demons make my skin crawl. I throw this one back in the pit within the day and I'd drive home except I can hardly keep my eyes open, I'm so exhausted. I lie on the dusty motel bed and think again how I saved John from ever knowing this life. That demon did my husband a favor.
I hope my three kids never know this life, though I know they probably will. It's in their blood. I'm saved from dwelling on that thought when I wonder when I started thinking of Jo as my own.
Though I don't have much energy left to hold a conversation, the thought makes me want to talk to Ellen. I pick up my phone and dial that familiar number. It hardly rings and I guess she's been worrying about me just like I'd worried about her. It makes me smile. "Hey, Ellen."
"Hey, Mary," Ellen says. She takes a long breath and I can picture her at the back door, leaning against the frame as she gazes out past the porch to our unkempt yard. I see the curl of smoke from her lips, the ash from her cigarette against the dark wood. For a second I long so hard for home I'm surprised it doesn't materialize around me. "How's the hunt going?"
"It's done," I say. I stretch my aching legs and then lie on my side, eyes closed. With her voice so close to me I can pretend she's here. "How are the kids?"
"Dean's spent all day trying to beat Jo at some game on the PlayStation," Ellen says, "while Sam's mostly been reading that book on the solar system he picked up from the library."
"Pretty much the usual then," I say. The laugh wears me out but it fades quickly and then, in a voice so quiet I hardly hear it myself, I admit what we both try not to. "I miss you."
Ellen doesn't say 'you've been gone fourteen hours'. She doesn't laugh. She just sighs out a soft breath that I know would be spun with smoke. "Yeah, Mary, I miss you too. Hurry home in the morning, okay?"
"Okay," I say. Then, "Do you think we should give it up?"
She doesn't need to ask what I mean. "Sometimes," she admits. "Hunting isn't great when you have kids. But you know we'd go running at the first hint of a hunt even if we agreed to stop. You know that. We've been doing it too long, it's in our blood."
I think back to our strange childhood. I met Ellen five days after my eighth birthday and we hated each other instantly but it was born of similarity and competitiveness; once we realized we were both pretty evenly matched when it came to throwing knives, we were friends for life. More than friends, now. Much more. "I guess so."
"Didn't you enjoy it today?"
"Yeah," I say. Of course I did, there's nothing like sending something like that back where it belongs. Every hunt feels like saving the world. "Just…"
"Just come home tomorrow and I'll make you that tuna bake," Ellen says. "Stop thinking so hard. You're tired. I love you but you are an idiot. Go to sleep."
"Wanted to talk to you," I murmur, then realize I'm going to obey her whether I want to or not. I can't open my eyes anymore and my fingers are limp against the phone. "See you tomorrow. I love you."
---
Stop pretending this isn't what you want. I'm gonna be here for you. You love me, and that's okay because I love you too. Anything that stands between our family and happiness, we're gonna cut it down because that's what we do. No matter what.
---
Nothing's perfect. If a hunter knows anything, it's that. You think you've found the perfect way to aim, you're wrong. One time in ten - or fifty or a hundred - you will miss. If you think you've found the perfect escape, you're wrong too; there's always something around the corner.
The first time Sam gets so angry the sofa skids back five inches, I know this is the road block I've been waiting for. It's almost a relief.
I hold him close and Ellen joins us. He doesn't understand, neither do Jo or Dean as they hover close and watch with matching frowns, but I see the tears in Ellen's eyes and it summons up my own.
Later, when the kids are in bed, I can't breathe for them.
"I thought -"
"Doesn't matter what you thought," Ellen interrupts. "Buck up. Your kid's got a few freaky powers, what does that matter? Bring him up good and you know he's never gonna give in to that. You knew this was coming. We knew it."
"Yeah," I agree reluctantly. I look down at my shaking hands and hate them for their weakness. If I'm going to get my son through this, I'm gonna need a better backbone than this. Still my hands don't stop trembling until Ellen's gun-rough hands rest over mine and it's only then that I can breathe out slowly, tension easing. I smile tightly at her earnest stare. "Yeah," I repeat with more certainty. "Sammy's a good boy. This isn't - this doesn't change anything."
"We knew it was coming," Ellen says again, "and I know you've got a bag packed to hunt that son of a bitch down. Alone. Well I'm telling you, it ain't gonna happen. Whatever that yellow-eyed asshole is, you're not hunting him alone. I'm not gonna let you do that."
"It's the only way," I say. There's no point in denying what I was planning. Ellen knows me far too well and I hope for once she'll back down from this argument. I'm too strung out to hold it together for long.
Ellen shakes her head. "It's not a way at all. “You're a good hunter but you don't know what you're up against. You do know you're not coming out of that in one piece, mind or body.”
"They're just kids. I can't let them grow up like I did."
"Was it that bad? Really?" Ellen demands. "'Cause we turned out okay. Knowing how to kick ass in a dangerous world is hardly gonna put our kids at a disadvantage. Trouble's coming and you know it. You really want them to be unprepared?"
I look out the window. It could work, I know that. Truth is I always knew this day would come just as every hunter always does. Why else would I have kept hunting even with three kids to care for? Why would I insist on self-defense and martial arts lessons for every one of them and why would I test and correct what they had been taught? I had been keeping us ready for this moment and so was Ellen. I see it now. The sun is setting outside and I already know we'll be gone by the time it rises.
Ellen is still holding my hand and I squeeze her fingers tightly. She calms my fear but not my thudding heart; even after all these years, it still skips when I look at her. I lean my forehead against her shoulder and she runs her coarse fingers through my hair.
The tears rinse me free of doubt. Minutes pass leaving my eyes vivid and sore and Ellen's shirt wet but I feel peace in our new purpose. I lift my head and smile at this angel sent to carry me through the impossible.
"Well," I say with a swift and pointed glance around the house we'd made our own, "it was nice while it lasted."
---
No matter what.