In Which Daily Life in the Bunker is Explained
Title: Everyone is Stupid Awesome or: In Which Nik dares herself to write crack of the very worst kind possible.
Author: Me (duh)
Rating: G for really dumb
Warnings: Racial slurs, Naziism, KFC, Castiel's speech patterns, Asian powers, cake
Summary: Just a normal day in the Bunker, pretty much.
Notes: Not sorry. Nope. And if the CW crew ever sees this one, I will laugh in their faces like the insensitive little prick I am. Hail thyself, hail me, ave autum. M-hm. I'm great.
Sam was supremely annoyed. For the last five hours, he had been enduring Castiel's "singing" lessons with Lucifer. The Seraphim still sounded drunk at best, on crack at worst. Dean wouldn't let Sam knock his teeth out, because "NO ONE TOUCHES MY BABY YOU FAG!"
Now, Gabriel's perpetual sugar high had finally ended for long enough for him to actually notice the situation. He was standing behind Castiel, mouthing along to him, and Castiel and Dean wondered why Lucifer kept cracking up laughing.
Sam felt like he needed to knock Gabriel's teeth out as well. He wondered how "Snickle-doodley-doo" would sound without teeth. Probably better than usual.
As it were, unable to knock the angels' teeth out, Sam was trying to make himself pass out by holding his breath, but Kevin noticed and used his Asian powers to keep Sam conscious. Kevin was slapped six times on each cheek and punched six times in the face, leaving him in need of a hospital and Sam in need of food. (Necessary violence made Sam hungry.)
So he went into the kitchen, scoured for snacks, and found aproximately eighty boxes of devil food cake. He had a feeling Dean was behind them.
Too lazy to look for other snacks, and too hungry to actually BAKE the cake, Sam did the sensible thing, tore the box open, and poured the cake mix into his mouth.
He was interrupted by a particularly high-pitched shriek from Castiel that was probably supposed to be a note. Seconds later, Lucifer screamed loudly because Gabriel had stepped on his foot.
"WILL YOU TWO FEATHERY CUNTS SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Dean bellowed loudly. Sam glared at the kitchen; he hated it when Dean said "feathery cunts". He preferred "winged vagina". Still, one can't be too picky, and Dean's speech patterns were entirely his own.
For the next ten minutes, Castiel was quiet. Then Lucifer had the brilliant idea to pull a feather from one of his gazillion wings, as a writing feather. Castiel's screech of pain was reported on the Nicaraguan news the next day.
Sam decided it was time to go back into the living room.
What he found was less than encouraging.
Lucifer was spread-eagled on the ground, with Castiel's foot on his chest and a noodle sieve on his head. A pack of spaghetti was opened and its contents were spilled everywhere, forming a halo around his head. Gabriel's curiousity had won the better of him; he had decided to find out what happens when you mix Koolaid and sugar and snort the mixture. Now he sat on the bar drumming his feet loudly on the counter. Eventually, Dean just slapped him, and the foot-drumming stopped, but Gabriel started to cry about how nobody loved him, and why was Dean such a bitch, and could he have a hug from Sammy, please?
Sam said no. Gabriel started bawling even harder. Dean slapped him again. Gabriel ran away, which was, as Lucifer said, "good riddance".
Sam had to agree. Gabriel was terrible. Castiel finally let Lucifer up, and the Archangel wooped loudly and ripped his shirt off like a football player who scored a goal (Sam and Castiel ogled him, and Dean pulled Castiel away by his hair for a talk on cheating).
When dinner time arrived, Lucifer magicked a huge, 42-piece bucket of KFC, a watermelon and a bunch of weed as dinner. Dean complained that he was being a Nazi, and Sam ended up having to explain racism to him. Lucifer ended up having to bring them bread, water and a chicken salad: boring white-people food.
While they ate, the angels were actually very well behaved. Gabriel was at a noise level below two thousand decibals for once, Castiel was using slang, and Lucifer wasn't throwing food at Dean or Gabriel. It seemed like the perfect dinner, except for the shitty food, until...
"His elbow touched my plate!" Gabriel, whose plate and settings were spread out over half the table, sulked at Lucifer, who was squished against the wall so tightly his arm literally crushed through it.
"Go sit at the kids' table, Gabriel. You know the rules. No invading Satan's personal space." Dean growled, and Lucifer's good behaviour ended immediately: Dean had a handful of chicken and cherry tomatoes thrown at him.
He started over the table, grabbed Lucifer by the throat and pushed his face into the salad. Sam couldn't stand his brother and his boyfriend fighting, so he started to cry (that ALWAYS helped). Immediately Castiel put a comforting arm around his shoulder and a consoling hand on his thigh, and Dean dragged Castiel away again, by the collar this time, for another "talk". Talks usually ended with Castiel crying, Dean feeling terrible, and apology-sex.
Now, since they would be alone for the next few days and everyone was done with dinner (getting an endive piece up his nose had not improved Lucifer's appetite), Sam decided they should watch a movie.
Needless to say, the rest of the evening went even more badly than before. They were watching the movie adaptation of Bruce Almighty, and Lucifer was glaring at the screen the entire time. Gabriel tripped on the stairs and broke his vessel's foot.
But finally, when bedtime came, Sam picked his boyfriend up bridal style (Lucifer hoisted his leg around Sam's ass, tosser-style) and carried him to bed.
He laid the angel down, kissed him goodnight, and turned the lights out.
Just as he was dozing off, he heard a very small, sheepish voice:
"Sammy, I need to pee."