{SPN J2BB} Hey Brother: Chapter 6 of 6
THEN
Kicking the door shut behind him, Dean never loses contact with Castiel’s lips as he cups his face. He feels Castiel’s hands tugging at his shirt, pulling open the buttons, and the hunter grins against the kiss. He starts unbuttoning Cas’s shirt and gasps when the angel’s lips move to start kissing the side of Dean’s neck.
Dean and Cas tug off their pieces of clothing one by one on the way to Dean’s bed, all the while maintaining contact.
Cas’s legs hit the back of Dean’s bed and they both fall onto it, chuckling. They move up so they’re comfortable and Dean looks down into Castiel’s eyes, seeing nothing but love reflected back in them. He smiles as he bends down to kiss his angel, his kisses soon moving towards Cas’s neck, chest, and lower.
The hunter enjoys the gasps and moans he manages to wring out of his Castiel. Although he’ll never admit it publicly, Dean had been jealous when he’d heard of the angel’s sexual venture as a human with a woman who’d turned out to be a reaper. But tonight, Dean makes sure that Castiel knows who he belongs to.
Soon after they’re both out of breath, tired and sweaty but completely content. Dean counts this night as one of the best nights he’s had.
Once again, Dean would never admit it, but he cuddles with Castiel under the blankets, his hands wrapped around Cas’s waist, the other man’s chin on Dean’s head, his hands playing absently with the hunter’s hair.
“Hey, Cas?”
“Yes, Dean?”
“Don’t ever leave me,” Dean says, quiet.
Castiel frowns. “What’s wrong? Why would you think I would leave you?”
“I… it’s nothing.”
“You can tell me, Dean,” Castiel says, gentle.
Dean sighs. “Everyone I’ve had feelings for, they’ve either ended up dead, or I’ve screwed it up because of all kinds of reasons. I… I don’t want to screw this up.”
Castiel lifts up Dean’s chin and kisses him on the lips. After he breaks apart, he smiles a genuine smile. “I won’t ever leave you. I promise.”
NOW
Dean realizes that Cas had kept his promise. Castiel had done everything he could to convince Dean that he was ready to stay, no matter the consequences. It was Dean who had ruined everything. First, he’d killed Sam and then he’d driven Cas out.
Dean doesn’t respond at first; all he can do is stare at his doorway. Castiel doesn’t need to be here, and yet there he is.
“Hey, Cas,” Dean finally greets, finding that it’s easier to talk to Cas’s feet than his face. That way he wouldn’t need to see the disappointment and hate in Castiel’s eyes because Dean knows that after all he’s done, the angel surely must hate him.
Just a few hours after Sam’s funeral and Dean burning Sam’s things, the hunter had been sitting in the library of the bunker, drinking away his pain. He remembers with vivid clarity everything he’d said to Cas. He’d never meant a word of it. But he feared that if he carried on with Cas, the only thing that could happen with the Mark still being on his arm was him ending up injuring his lover somehow.
THEN
Dean takes a long swig from the bottle, cherishing the burn of the alcohol it makes its way down his throat. If Sam were here, he’d probably tell Dean off for drinking. But Sam? He isn’t here anymore. So why the fuck not? Dean thinks as he chuckles humorlessly to himself, taking another swig of whiskey.
For the first time in his life though, Dean doesn’t feel numb. Alcohol usually numbs the pain. But today, the feeling of half of himself being torn and broken never leaves. There’s this hole in his chest that even the amulet that now rests around his neck, can’t fill. Dean refuses to cry as he staggers his way towards the kitchen to bring out a third bottle.
As he stumbles his way back to the bunker’s main room, he sees Castiel enter. Ignoring his presence, Dean settles back into his designated seat and opens up the bottle, taking a long sip and loudly gulping it down.
Dean expects Cas to sigh, maybe try talking him out of drinking and then leave. What Dean doesn’t expect is Cas striding up to him, yanking the bottle from his hands and glaring at him.
“Hey!” Dean indignantly yells, reaching out for the bottle which Castiel pulls out of his reach.
“I know you’re hurting, Dean, but this is no way to deal with grief,” Cas says while keeping the bottle out of Dean’s reach.
Dean returns the glare as he gets to his feet, holding the table for support. “I can do what’vr the fuck I want. Gimme the bottle, Cas,” Dean sneers.
“No, Dean. Enough is enough. I can’t see you like this,” Cas says, sighing. “Do you know how much I wish I could bring Sam back for you? But I can’t. So the least I can do is help you deal with this.”
Dean hesitates for a second before shrugging off the hand Cas lays on the side of Dean’s neck. Dean ignores the slightly hurt expression on Cas’s face. Cas has no idea what this feels like. He doesn’t get to decide how Dean should deal with it.
“I don’t need help dealin’ with anythin’, Cas,” Dean snaps, trying to reach for the bottle. His movements are uncoordinated and Castiel easily keeps it just out of reach.
“Damn it, Cas, give me the fuckin’ bottle. I can deal with this in my own way!”
“You don’t have to,” Castiel says, quietly.
Dean stops trying to struggle against Cas for the whiskey. “What?”
“Sam was my friend too, Dean. And I’d rather we deal with this together than doing something stupid that Sam would probably chide us for.”
Dean frowns, not wanting to discuss anything about Sam. Just the name of his brother brings up all the guilt and anguish and he just wants to drink and pass out. That’s what he needs and Castiel won’t give it to him. “What’s that s’pposed to mean?” Dean asks.
“Sam wouldn’t want you to -“
“SAM IS DEAD!” Dean yells angrily. He doesn’t realize he’s lifted his hand until it makes contact with Castiel’s jaw and the angel stumbles back.
The anger suddenly drains out of Dean as he stares in shock at what he just did. He stares at his shaking hands and stumbles back when Cas tries to come near him.
“N-no,” Dean stammers. “I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Dean didn’t mean to do anything. But it kept happening. First Sam and now Cas. Dean’s eyes well up with tears as his hands clutch at his hair. He just punched Cas. What’s to say he won’t be lifting an angel blade to him soon?
“Dean, it’s okay, it’s -“
“No,” Dean says, his own voice sounding alien to him. “It’s not. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt you. I…” Dean trails off.
“Dean,” Cas calls out in a calm voice.
Dean shakes his head in denial, retreating back a few steps as Castiel tries to approach him. “Don’t. Don’t come near me. I can’t… Cas, you have to leave. I can’t do this.”
Castiel stops. “What?” he asks, his voice sounding hollow.
Dean knows he’s hurting Castiel even more. But he can’t risk himself losing control again. “I… I need you to leave,” Dean says, his voice steadier than he thought it would be. “Please, Cas. Just leave. I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean, Dean?”
Dean takes a deep breath. “We can’t be a thing anymore,” Dean says, each word searing into the already deepened hole in his chest. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Dean watches at Castiel’s face resembles the broken expression he’d worn when Dean had been forced to throw Cas out of the bunker thanks to Gadreel. Dean feels yet another part of himself chip away and the hole widen even more. He’s hurting every goddamn person he cares about.
Castiel stares for a few seconds before putting out his hands in front of him and a comforting gesture. “Dean, you’re not thinking straight. We can figure this out. I -“
“No, Cas. I need you to leave,” Dean says, trying to keep his tone of voice even. He can feel himself reaching a breaking point. He needs Castiel to leave before he changes his mind altogether.
“Dean - “
“I can’t hurt any more people I care about, Cas! You don’t have any guarantee that I won’t hurt you soon enough! Cas, if you care ‘bout me, please. Just leave. Leave me be. Just please, leave,” Dean finally snaps, his voice breaking at the end.
They both stand in silence. Dean feels yet another part of him shatter as Castiel’s face falls and Dean can practically feel the pain he sees in Castiel’s eyes.
“Will my leaving make this better to deal with?” Cas finally asks.
Dean steels himself as he flat out lies, “Yes.”
Castiel then nods. “Okay, Dean.”
And saying so, Castiel heads up towards the entrance of the bunker. Dean watches as the angel climbs up the steps. Before Castiel opens the door, he gives Dean an understanding look. Dean blinks against the tears that threaten to fall. He is not going to show weakness.
The door closes shut behind Castiel and Dean drops to his knees in the middle of the war room, letting the tears finally spill out. He doesn’t care that he’s showing weakness anymore. There’s no one there to see it.
NOW
Castiel clears his throat and Dean snaps out of his reverie. He finally meets Cas’s eyes and is surprised to see nothing but understanding and love in them. Dean realizes that he’s completely misread his angel.
It’s then that Dean also comprehends that he had never called Cas over. So how is he here?
As if Castiel reads Dean’s mind, he says, “You should imagine my surprise when I got a call from Sam. For a second, I’d thought that you’d done something, well, stupid to bring him back.”
Despite himself, Dean smiles. He’s missed this so much. Castiel’s voice, the calming way he speaks, just, everything. “You don’t know how much I wish I did do something stupid,” Dean says as he sits down on his bed.
Castiel hesitates a little before slowly walking over and sitting next to Dean.
“Sam told me everything. He’s the one that called me over, in case you were wondering.”
Dean smiles wryly. “Yeah, I kinda figured.”
Once again, Dean sees Castiel hesitate before making a move and holding one of the hunter’s rough, calloused hands. Dean’s heart breaks slightly, seeing the angel calculate every move before making it. He’d never wanted it this way.
“I think what you’re about to do shows that you have unimaginable strength. Letting go is not an easy task,” Cas claims.
“I don’t know if I can,” Dean admits as he plays with the amulet in his hand. “I’d have to let go of this,” he says, holding it out to Castiel.
“I remember that. I didn’t recall you wearing it after I gave it back to you, though.”
Dean purses his lips. “That’s ‘cause I’d thrown it away. I just didn’t know what was going on and I’d blamed Sam for a lot of things back then. I’d thrown it out for a very stupid reason and I just never realized that Sam had picked it up out of the trash.”
“Where did you find it?” Castiel asks.
“In Sam’s study drawer when I was clearing his stuff out. I was wearing it when I’d… I’d asked you to leave,” Dean explains, guilt creeping in. “Hey, Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to throw you out. I just - “
Dean stops when Castiel squeezes Dean’s hand. “You don’t have to apologize. I understand why you did it.”
A sudden burst of anger fills up in Dean. Why is no one blaming him for everything? He’s screwed everything up. He gets to his feet, glaring at his angel. “Why are you being so goddamn empathetic?! I fucked up everything, Cas! Why aren’t you yelling at me?! Why are you and Sam being so goddamn considerate when all I’ve ever done is hurt you both?!”
Castiel gets to his feet as well. Dean watches as Cas frowns, as though wondering how to phrase something. After a few seconds, he says, “You’re talking to a person that’s done nothing but screw up, Dean. Of course I empathize. And Sam? Well, he knows you never meant to kill him. You wouldn’t intentionally ever kill anyone you cared about, and we both know that. Stop blaming yourself, Dean. It was a mistake.”
Dean’s shoulders slump. “But it’s a mistake I can’t ever take back.”
Castiel has no answer to that. He waits a few seconds before wrapping his arms around Dean, hugging him. Dean allows himself to break again as he lays his head on Castiel’s shoulder, hot tears silently slipping down his cheeks and embedding itself onto the tan fabric. He clutches desperately at Castiel’s trenchcoat as he takes deep breaths.
“How do I do this, Cas?” he asks in a shattered voice.
Cas lets go of Dean and looks him directly in the eyes. “Just let go. Stop holding onto it. I’ll be right here, when - if you need me.”
Dean doesn’t miss how Castiel changes his sentence midway. He immediately pulls Cas into a kiss. Castiel is taken aback before he responds. A few seconds later, they’re slightly out of breath as Dean breaks away the kiss, feeling nothing but love for his angel.
“I fucked up, Cas. And I know I said a lot of crappy things to you. But I’ll always need you.”
Castiel smiles as he kisses Dean again. “I’ll get you through this, I promise.”
Dean nods, not doubting Castiel for one second. He knows that Cas would do anything for him, and he knows it goes the other way too.
Dean takes a deep breath. “Come on. Sam must be waiting.”
~*~*~
It feels like déjà vu when Dean and Castiel step outside to the backyard of their bunker where they’d given Sam a funeral. Dean hadn’t broken until everyone had left. Dean shudders as he stares at the spot where he himself had laid Sam on the pyre.
He vaguely remembers Jody being there, hugging him and offering empty words of comfort. He’d appreciated the gesture even though he’d felt completely void of life that day.
As Dean walks towards the spot, he realizes with a pang that Charlie doesn’t know. That she’s in Oz. He can’t imagine telling her. He rubs a hand over his face. People keep telling him not to blame himself. But his own hands had plunged a knife into his own brother. A brother he’d always swore to protect.
Take care of Sammy.
The one thing that John had drilled into him, and the one thing that Dean always seemed to screw up. Only this time, he couldn’t fix it.
He jumps when Sam materializes next to him and lays a cold hand on Dean’s shoulder.
Cold hands. Something Dean never got used to after Sam had first made his appearance as spirit. Dean remembers the occasional flickering lights which he’d got accustomed to after a few days.
Dean recalls the time when he’d begged Sam to stay for one more case.
Only that one more case had turned into quite a few. And each time, Sam had tried everything to make things seem normal for Dean even though he had every right to ask Dean to let him go. The times he’d managed to bring up the topic, Dean had always shut him out. Soon enough, Sam had stopped asking. He’d just gone along with it.
Sam pretended to sleep when Dean was tired and they’d be crashing in motels, he’d go on the usual morning runs and get breakfast for Dean. He’d do his research, stay out of anything that could hurt him as a ghost just so things would seem normal.
Only they never were.
Dean doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at Sam, a sense of longing in him. It’s going to be quite a while before he sees him again.
He looks towards Castiel and realizes that the angel has set up a small burning area on the ground a few feet away from them to melt the metal.
Dean had put on the amulet as he’d walked hand in hand with Cas to the back yard.
He and Sam silently walk towards Castiel, and the older Winchester takes in a shaky breath.
“So, this is goodbye then?” Dean asks, smiling sadly.
“You know I wish I could stay, right?”
Dean huffs as he smiles, staring at his feet, nodding. “And I know it’s too risky. For both of us.”
Sam nods this time, smiling in sorrow as well.
“Well,” Dean says as he takes off the amulet. He weighs it in his hand. He’d never truly understood the significance properly until he’d found it in Sam’s desk drawer. For Sam, it had been a symbol of their relationship. One that had broken the minute Dean had dumped the amulet into the trash.
“I’ll see you soon, then,” Dean says, his voice breaking. Surprisingly enough, he doesn’t cry anymore. He just feels a sudden weight of grief on his shoulders, which he knows is going to be there until it’s his time.
“I’d prefer it to be later than sooner,” Sam remarks.
Dean laughs. “Well, you know me,” he says.
Sam nods. “Yes, I do. Which also means I’ll kick your ass if it’s sooner rather than later.”
Dean holds his hands up in mock surrender before his mood goes grim again. He’s going to miss this. The casual banter they have. He’s going to miss seeing Sam’s face and that floppy hair every morning. He’s going to miss Sam’s excited face when he’s found something during his research. He’s going to miss seeing Sam geek out over the Men of Letters records.
He’s going to miss his brother.
Sam pulls Dean into a hug and Dean holds him tight, closing his eyes and cherishing every minute of this. It’s going to be a long while before he can get to hug his brother again.
The hug doesn’t feel like Sam to Dean though. Sam’s too cold. Dean fully understands then, why doing this is a necessity. But he cherishes the hug as he embraces his brother back, never wanting to forget this moment, no matter how screwed up it may seem.
Sam breaks apart and Dean feels the hole in his chest widen even more seeing the tears in Sam’s eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Sammy,” Dean pleads.
Sam shakes his head. “Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault, man. I’ll... I’ll miss you.”
Dean licks his lips as he struggles to keep his composure. “Me too.”
Sam then turns to Castiel. “Thanks for everything, Cas. You take care of my brother, you hear?”
Castiel nods, unshed tears in his eyes. “I promise I will.”
Dean purses his lips as he dangles the amulet over the fire pit. His mind is brought back to him dangling it over the dustbin in that no name motel room. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting go of the amulet.
A few seconds pass and then a bright light is emitted from Sam’s figure. Dean shields his eyes as it flashes bright for a few more seconds before dying out.
Sam’s gone.
He’s finally gone.
Dean collapses to his knees as he stares at the sky, which mimics the night of Sam’s funeral. It seems ironic to him. He feels Castiel’s hands on his shoulder.
“Could you give me a minute?” Dean asks, his voice surprisingly steady.
Castiel nods and kisses Dean’s temple before heading into the bunker.
Dean feels peaceful as he stares at the sky. He’s broken, but peaceful. Before Sam had left, Dean had seen the last look on his brother’s face.
He’d looked happy. He’d looked relieved. He’d looked ready and content.
Dean imprints that image into his memory. This is the Sam he wants to remember until it’s his time to die.
He looks back towards the bunker where he knows Cas is waiting.
He knows it’s never going to be okay, but he’s accepted it. Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to show weakness. It’s okay to feel pain and break down. Because that’s what makes you stronger in the end.
Dean gets to his feet and starts walking towards the bunker.
Everything he cares about is waiting in there. And damn him if he’s going to end up screwing that up too.
“I’ll see you later, Sammy,” Dean whispers to himself as he walks into the library and sees Castiel seated at the nearest chair.
Dean walks over and sits opposite the angel.
“You okay?” Castiel asks, concerned.
Dean thinks for a minute before answering, “Not really. But I will be.”
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