Lying is a sin
Title: Lying is a sin
Author: 9_of_clubs
Pairing: one sided Balthazar/Cas, Dean/Cas
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Spoilers: 6x17, majorly
Word Count: 935
Summary: A 6x17 coda, Cas thinks about what happened and has a talk with Balthazar.
Lying is a sin.
Not as big as murder, which he was willing to commit almost thoughtlessly, nor as great as wrath, which he has experienced recently in larger amounts than he has ever wished, but somehow - this is worse.
Maybe because he knows it’s not the sin itself; not the actual lying that causes his stomach to curl into knots, but the fact that he lied to Dean. He still believes that freedom is worth fighting for, which is why he did what he had to or tried in any case. And he thinks, no he knows, that Dean would have understood if he’d told him the truth. But the truth would merely cause him pain, and if there is one thing Castiel never wishes to do again, it is to cause Dean pain in any form. Even the loss of Ellen once more, dream like as it may have seemed to the green eyed man, eats away at him.
But now, whatever his intentions, he has knowingly misled the other man, out of concern, he argues futilely to himself, for whom? a little voice answers, for him?
He could have told Dean the truth and he didn’t. He could have even killed off 50,000 people in this realm of reality, save everyone the fuss, but he didn’t. Balthazar had tried to convince him to, had rationally pointed out how easy it would be, just a snap of their fingers, barely a blink. But Cas had refused, and when the other angel had asked why, he’d silenced him with a glare. Told him Raphael would notice, that it would not be prudent. Castiel had lied then too and Balthazar had known - could see it in his eyes. He was never very good at concealing the truth, but somehow lying to anyone else, even someone he’d known for an incomprehensible eternity, was simply easier.
The only real problem with Balthazar’s plan was that he would be unable to justify it to Dean if 50,000 people suddenly dropped dead for no apparent reason; if there was a monster to blame, the hunter would hate it, fight it, but accept it ultimately as inevitable. If there wasn’t...well the other would never give it up, and he would eventually find out the truth - because that was just the way their luck worked.Cas was just unwilling to test the already melting ice they were skating on.
Fine, so he was lying for himself, so that Dean wouldn’t turn away, again, as he’d done so many times before already. Cas doesn’t think he could take another turn, not with everything else going on, can’t even bring himself to imagine the coldness in the gaze or the hard set of the jaw. Because achingly, unfailingly, he loves the hunter.
He would rather change the past and disturb the threads of time and fate herself, than risk losing the vestiges of their friendship.
“You think too loudly, Cassy - it’s a wonder Raphy doesn’t just swoop down and grab you right now.”
Ripping away from his whirling thoughts, Cas turns to greet the other angel, slightly disconcerted by the fact he hadn’t sensed the other’s arrival, “Balthazar”
The blonde looks at him searchingly for a long moment and then sighs, “Oh Cassy, this ones really got you all upset, hasn’t it? And I don’t suppose my telling you that it’s not worth all this fuss, is going to matter any.”
Cas lets his gaze drop away.
“Didn’t think so.”
“I -” Cas starts and then shakes his head, “Thank you for following me today, I could not have... worked it out without you.” He finishes quietly.
A twisted grin works itself across Balthazar’s features, “Ahh, so they bought it hook, line and sinker. See Cassy, being frivolous and overly crude has it’s advantages after all! It is so very good to know your pets think as highly of me as I of them.” There’s a darker undercurrent to the words despite the layers of cheer covering them, and the guilt winding it’s way through every inch of the blue eyed angel ratchets up a little higher.
“I...I did not mean to imply that you are -”
But Balthazar waves his apologies away, “That wasn’t an accusation, darling. Just a fact. I, I don’t understand or agree so much with your decisions, and I certainly have now acquired a firm grasp of who exactly stands first in line. But you - happen to be stuck with me. I just do hope you consider you’re playing with the balance of the world here, with your life, with mine. There are more important things, though obviously not to you, than the life, happiness or … friendship of one mortal.”
“I do not mean to put him first,” Cas admits quietly, “I’ve simply forgotten how not to.”
The other man’s eyes darken momentarily at the words, a shade of, of something, something like longing tinted with sadness, flits across them, but he smirks. “Well, I suppose that’s why I’m here isn’t it? To make sure you have no choice but to remember I exist.”
“Balthazar...”
“Come, we should go figure out what to do next. Our little jaunt through time can’t have gone unnoticed.”
And Castiel knows they should, that they must, but all Cas really wants to do is go back, start over. But it’s too late for that now, too late for everyone; reluctantly he shoves his thoughts away and turns back to the task at hand. Guilt is a luxury he can’t afford right now.
Author: 9_of_clubs
Pairing: one sided Balthazar/Cas, Dean/Cas
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Spoilers: 6x17, majorly
Word Count: 935
Summary: A 6x17 coda, Cas thinks about what happened and has a talk with Balthazar.
Lying is a sin.
Not as big as murder, which he was willing to commit almost thoughtlessly, nor as great as wrath, which he has experienced recently in larger amounts than he has ever wished, but somehow - this is worse.
Maybe because he knows it’s not the sin itself; not the actual lying that causes his stomach to curl into knots, but the fact that he lied to Dean. He still believes that freedom is worth fighting for, which is why he did what he had to or tried in any case. And he thinks, no he knows, that Dean would have understood if he’d told him the truth. But the truth would merely cause him pain, and if there is one thing Castiel never wishes to do again, it is to cause Dean pain in any form. Even the loss of Ellen once more, dream like as it may have seemed to the green eyed man, eats away at him.
But now, whatever his intentions, he has knowingly misled the other man, out of concern, he argues futilely to himself, for whom? a little voice answers, for him?
He could have told Dean the truth and he didn’t. He could have even killed off 50,000 people in this realm of reality, save everyone the fuss, but he didn’t. Balthazar had tried to convince him to, had rationally pointed out how easy it would be, just a snap of their fingers, barely a blink. But Cas had refused, and when the other angel had asked why, he’d silenced him with a glare. Told him Raphael would notice, that it would not be prudent. Castiel had lied then too and Balthazar had known - could see it in his eyes. He was never very good at concealing the truth, but somehow lying to anyone else, even someone he’d known for an incomprehensible eternity, was simply easier.
The only real problem with Balthazar’s plan was that he would be unable to justify it to Dean if 50,000 people suddenly dropped dead for no apparent reason; if there was a monster to blame, the hunter would hate it, fight it, but accept it ultimately as inevitable. If there wasn’t...well the other would never give it up, and he would eventually find out the truth - because that was just the way their luck worked.Cas was just unwilling to test the already melting ice they were skating on.
Fine, so he was lying for himself, so that Dean wouldn’t turn away, again, as he’d done so many times before already. Cas doesn’t think he could take another turn, not with everything else going on, can’t even bring himself to imagine the coldness in the gaze or the hard set of the jaw. Because achingly, unfailingly, he loves the hunter.
He would rather change the past and disturb the threads of time and fate herself, than risk losing the vestiges of their friendship.
“You think too loudly, Cassy - it’s a wonder Raphy doesn’t just swoop down and grab you right now.”
Ripping away from his whirling thoughts, Cas turns to greet the other angel, slightly disconcerted by the fact he hadn’t sensed the other’s arrival, “Balthazar”
The blonde looks at him searchingly for a long moment and then sighs, “Oh Cassy, this ones really got you all upset, hasn’t it? And I don’t suppose my telling you that it’s not worth all this fuss, is going to matter any.”
Cas lets his gaze drop away.
“Didn’t think so.”
“I -” Cas starts and then shakes his head, “Thank you for following me today, I could not have... worked it out without you.” He finishes quietly.
A twisted grin works itself across Balthazar’s features, “Ahh, so they bought it hook, line and sinker. See Cassy, being frivolous and overly crude has it’s advantages after all! It is so very good to know your pets think as highly of me as I of them.” There’s a darker undercurrent to the words despite the layers of cheer covering them, and the guilt winding it’s way through every inch of the blue eyed angel ratchets up a little higher.
“I...I did not mean to imply that you are -”
But Balthazar waves his apologies away, “That wasn’t an accusation, darling. Just a fact. I, I don’t understand or agree so much with your decisions, and I certainly have now acquired a firm grasp of who exactly stands first in line. But you - happen to be stuck with me. I just do hope you consider you’re playing with the balance of the world here, with your life, with mine. There are more important things, though obviously not to you, than the life, happiness or … friendship of one mortal.”
“I do not mean to put him first,” Cas admits quietly, “I’ve simply forgotten how not to.”
The other man’s eyes darken momentarily at the words, a shade of, of something, something like longing tinted with sadness, flits across them, but he smirks. “Well, I suppose that’s why I’m here isn’t it? To make sure you have no choice but to remember I exist.”
“Balthazar...”
“Come, we should go figure out what to do next. Our little jaunt through time can’t have gone unnoticed.”
And Castiel knows they should, that they must, but all Cas really wants to do is go back, start over. But it’s too late for that now, too late for everyone; reluctantly he shoves his thoughts away and turns back to the task at hand. Guilt is a luxury he can’t afford right now.