Road to Normalcy?

Jun 27, 2011 19:48

Title: Road to Normalcy?
Characters: Sam, Dean
Word count: 3703 words
Summary: Sam and Dean hit the road. Original prompt for neonchica; on hoodie_time
Disclaimer: Still don't own them =(
Rating: Gen
Beta: Awesome si_star_x


Listening to the rumble of the Impala and smelling the fresh scent of the fields after a rain, Sam turned to face his brother’s slumped form beside him as he slept with his face pressed against the window. Sam shook his head fondly, bringing his attention back to the road as he thought about the grey neck pillow resting in the back seat. The way he slept, head on the window, neck bent at an awkward angle and his body twisted weirdly by the waist, he knew Dean was going to be sore when he woke up. It wasn’t the first time Dean slept like that in the car, but he hadn’t been in the passenger seat that many times to actually get used to that position either. Especially not when he couldn’t even feel half of his body.

When Sam came home a couple of days ago, after going to buy his meds, he was surprised to see Dean working intently on the laptop, not even noticing Sam as he walked in and was clearly alarmed when Sam made his presence known. He had then moved to the kitchen to make himself some soup and Dean his lunch, and when they sat down to eat, Dean surprised him.

“Do you really wanna go?” Dean asked quietly, staring at his sandwich.

“Go where?”

Dean cleared his throat and looked hesitantly at his brother, noticing how even though he looked a little better, the job of the care-giver to his older brother was certainly taking its toll on him and made him look tired and older than he actually is. “The Grand Canyon?” Dean asked, lowering his eyes again.

Sam eyes softened as he realized Dean was on his computer, making a plan to go to the Canyon when he had returned, “Only if you want to go. I’m not going to push you, Dean.”

“But, do you want to?”

Sam made up his mind to let Dean know exactly what he thought, “Yeah. I mean, why not. It’s not like we need to be anywhere or do anything else. We can finally do what we want. But we are not going if you don’t want to. This is something you need to want as well, Dean. And my wants or needs aren’t required to be involved in this decision. This all depends on you, bro.”

Nodding, Dean finally looked to see the determined look on his brother’s face. “I know. I guess I just wished times would’ve been different you know.” ‘Wish I was different’ was what Dean wanted to say but didn’t. He didn’t need to say the words out loud for Sam to understand them.

“Me too, but maybe it’s for the best. At least now we can live long enough to get old.” Sam joked.

Dean smiled, pushing down the feelings that threatened to ruin their silent yet enlightening talk. He wanted to tell Sam that he’d much rather prefer dying young and healthy than living a life of disability. But instead he said, “I, uh, outlined our trip. You can look at it.” Before continuing eating his lunch.

“Dean?” Sam asked when he was finished with his soup, “Do you want to go?”

Dean contemplated that question for a moment.

“To be honest, Sammy, I don’t. But I also know sitting here on my ass doing nothing isn’t good either. Maybe it’s time to move on, and a trip to see the Grand Canyon definitely sounds like a step forward.” He paused before continuing, “I’d like to be able to come with you when I still can.” ‘While you’re still here, by my side’ Dean thought to himself but didn’t voice it out.

And so began the process of packing and planning the whole trip. Sam had to admit that he was impressed with Dean’s outline. He was actually surprised to see Dean considering his physical limitations while planning it out which included appropriate stops and finding the number of motels they’d be staying in. Packing hadn’t taken much time, since they really didn’t much on the road. The road was the only place they were comfortable with.

It amazed Sam how well Dean was while dealing with their situation, with his situation. He often wondered what would’ve happened if it was him in Dean’s shoes. If it was him with MS. He knew they’d be living the same life. Knew, just like he had, Dean wouldn’t have left any stone unturned to spare his brother the pain and helplessness.  But he also knew he wouldn’t have been damn near as good as his brother when he came to handling this.

Whoever knew them, observed that Sam was the calmer one, the one who kept their duo from drowning but the truth was, it was all Dean. If Dean hadn’t been there, Sam wouldn’t have been the person he was. If Dean hadn’t been there, chances are that Sam would’ve died in the fire, either in the one that killed Mary or the one that killed Jess. It didn’t matter though, because he knew Dean would never let anything happen to him. Disabled or not, Dean was the best big brother he could’ve asked for. Even though he was a pain in the ass. So what? No one was perfect and Sam was okay with that. Because even if he could, there was nothing he would change about his brother. Well, except the illness.

“Would you just shut up already?” Dean’s sleepy hoarse voice broke through Sam’s reverie.

“I didn’t even say anything,” Sam defended himself as he looked at the road ahead of him while occasionally stealing glances at his now awake brother.

Wisely, Dean didn’t say anything to that. Instead he braced himself on his arms and started to straighten his body. His weaker left hand shook heavily under the strain before it finally gave out and Dean flopped to his side and almost on top of Sam’s leg, causing Sam to swerve off a bit before he slammed his foot hard on the brakes and halted the heavy car to a stop, half on the road and half off.

“Dean?!” Sam shouted his brother’s name just when he saw Dean falling. His big hands were all over his brother’s prone form even before the car stopped.

“Son of a...” Dean swore as Sam manhandled his body into a sitting position.

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay,” Sam pacified his brother.

“NO IT’S NOT!” Dean burst suddenly, scaring Sam. He watched his brother flinch at his loud voice but never did the hold on his arms ease up.

Sam didn’t say anything but his expression spoke volumes. He knew that wasn’t okay. Knew it might never be okay and for the love of him, he knew he had nothing to make it better for his brother. Instead, he let his hands ease the bruising grip on Dean’s arms and watched as Dean cradled his weak arm near his chest. Sam gave Dean all the time he needed to calm down on his own.

With his heart breaking more every second, he watched Dean as he bit back the tears and hastily wiped away the ones that betrayed his eyes every now and then. They sat there in silence, both too scared to move or to break the silence. Neither of them trusting their voice to not give away the emotions they were feeling.

It was about ten minutes later when Sam gathered the courage to bring his hands up to grip the steering wheel as he broke the silence to speak to his brother. “We’re about half an hour from Bobby’s...”

“We’ve barely been on the road for 90 minutes Sam.” Dean interrupted him as he dragged his hand over his face.

“I know...” Sam agreed, “But I promised Bobby we’d drop by on our way over...”

“No.”Dean instantly rejected his plan. That stop wasn’t on the schedule.

“Dean...”

“We’ll drop by on our way back if it means so much to you, but not now,” Dean said with such misery and pain in his voice, Sam couldn’t help but grant him that small wish. He’ll take the brunt of Bobby’s anger later but he wasn’t about to force his brother into anything he wasn’t up for.

“Okay.” Sam ceded, “But we’ll stop when I think you’ve had enough on the road for the day,” he proposed the deal.

The fact that Dean didn’t argue, didn’t even say anything to that, told Sam how much the little accident had really hurt his brother. As Dean brought his hand to the glove compartment, Sam noticed how it shook badly. It wasn’t Dean’s left hand and that scared Sam. Although Sam hoped it was mostly due to the stress and not the ailment taking another one over his brother in such a short time.

Grabbing his sunglasses, Dean struggled a bit as he put them on and Sam unsuccessfully tried to ignore his brother’s limited movements as he started the car and got back on the road. The highway was busy but not overly hectic, making it easier for him to merge into a lane.

He drove for a little more than three hours before he was sure Dean wouldn’t mind stopping, even though he knew his brother wouldn’t admit it. Pulling the car over in front of the motel, Sam gingerly took the key out.

“I’ll... go check us in?” Sam said but it came out more of a question. He was still shaken up about what had happened to Dean in the car. Call him selfish, he didn’t care. He always depended on his brother to make everything better and this was no different. Except now Sam knew there was no making it better, especially when Dean was the one who was suffering.

Dean merely nodded as he watched Sam get out of the car hesitantly. He hated himself for putting that on his brother, for being the one who burdened his younger brother with his crap. Sam didn’t deserve this, and he needed to make sure it would get better for Sam even if it never would for him.

Dean didn’t realize how long he sat there, alone in the car when Sam came back and startled Dean out of his thoughts as he climbed in the driver’s seat.

“Room’s at the end,” he informed Dean as he put the gear in reverse. A few seconds later, Dean watched as their room for the night came into view. It had a ramp instead of a step that separated the motel from the rest of the parking lot and Dean knew Sam got them a handicapped room. Not that he was surprised, although, it did sadden him. No matter how many times he told Sam or himself, he would never get used to being in a wheelchair especially when his body would keep disappointing him every day.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice startled him again and Dean mentally scolded himself for eluding himself in thoughts and losing track of Sam.

Dean saw that the door in front of him was open and he could barely make out the details of bags sitting on the table on the far side of the room. Sam had opened the car door as he looked at Dean with concern and worry etched in his face. No doubt Sam had noticed his state of trance as well.

“I’m okay.” Dean answered to the unasked question.

“Wanna head on inside?” Sam asked gently.

Dean shook his head, “Yeah.” He spoke as he started to twist his body in the passenger seat so that his chest was facing the door while his legs stayed where they were. His weak arm was now twitching weakly in his lap. Hooking his right arm under his right leg, Dean picked it up and heaved it out of car. He did the same for his other leg and managed to stay upright during this whole ordeal and not embarrass himself furthermore.

By the time he was finished he was sweating bullets and he closed his eyes to regulate his breathing. When he opened his eyes, he saw a water bottle in front of his face, and despite how his afternoon went, he felt a smile tug at his lips.

“Thanks...” he croaked to his brother as he emptied the water in three huge gulps. Sam nodded as he took the bottle back and Dean finally took in the sight of his wheelchair right next to him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to make it into the chair, even with the Impala door open as far out as it would go.

Sam watched his brother like a hawk, from where he stood by the car door, as he looked from the door to the wheelchair and then lowered his gaze to the concrete of the parking lot. Sam noticed how his brother cradled his weak arm closer to his body as he contemplated his next move.

“Sam?” Dean called out and it was all the consent Sam needed, as he pushed back the wheelchair a bit and got closer to his brother.

“Okay.” Sam said pulling Dean’s leg a little further out so hooking his arms under his brother’s dead legs wouldn’t be an issue later. “We’ll do it just like we did this at home.” Sam told him as a warning.

Dean nodded even though he felt like correcting Sam that there was no ‘we’ in this and all that there was, was Sam. He hooked his arm around Sam’s neck as his brother hoisted him out of the car and into the chair in one swift motion. Sam didn’t bother buckling his waist belt but he did adjust his dead feet on the footrest before standing up and assuming his position behind the wheelchair. Without asking, Sam pushed his brother inside and closed the door behind them and locked it.

“Which bed do you want?” Sam asked as he turned back around.

Dean shrugged his shoulders, “Doesn’t matter,” he said in a low voice.

Sam nodded, even though Dean didn’t see it, and pushed his brother to the bed nearest to the door. That was Dean’s place. His bed. No matter which motel they stayed in, no matter what kind of a layout it had, Dean always had the one closer to the door. And now was no different than it had been a year ago.

“Sleep or sit?” Sam asked as he pulled Dean’s chair by the bed and locked the brakes in.

“Sit,” Dean told him and Sam got to work. Untying his brother’s boots, Sam slowly peeled them away from his feet.

Sam knew it was unnecessary work but he didn’t know what else to do. Dean refused to buy any other kind of shoes even now and Sam didn’t want his brother to go out wearing just socks. So boots it was. Next, he removed the socks before moving up and helping Dean shrug off the leather jacket.

Just like he did in the car and how he had done back at home, Sam transferred Dean on to the bed. He knew Dean wouldn’t be up for much for the rest of the day. The short drive and the new flare-up exhausted and wiped him out clean, so Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything else.

He waited as Dean unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down as far as they would go, then tugged them off his legs until Dean was wearing just his t-shirt and his boxers. Sam pulled up the blanket to cover Dean’s atrophied legs, for his benefit as much as Dean’s comfort, before taking Dean’s clothes and hanging them in the small closest. He gave Dean his meds and kept the stress ball next to him and the TV remote within his reach. Only then did he leave for the bathroom to freshen up.

When he came out, he saw the stress ball in the weak hand and Dean was sleeping in the same position Sam left him in. Slowly walking to the bed, Sam picked up the blanket and settled it over Dean’s form, tucking it under his chin.

****

When Sam came back to the room after walking around the room and getting some food, he saw Dean awake and staring at the TV.

“I think having cable back at our apartment, spoiled me too much.” Dean croaked, not even sparing a glance at his brother as Sam he walked in.

Sam laughed, “Then I guess I shouldn’t tell about the pie I brought?” Sam asked setting down the bags on the table that was previously occupied by their bags.

“What kind?”

“Apple, but it doesn’t matter to you, right?”

“Shut up and pass it on, bitch!” Dean said with an awaiting hand. Sam complied as handed over Dean’s precious pie before settling on his own bed and eating his sandwich.

“I brought you a cheeseburger if you’re still hungry after the pie.”

“Nah, I’m good,” Dean said eating the last piece of pie and setting the empty tray on the side of the bed. Dean’s appetite wasn’t the same as before, and Sam knew it was because Dean didn’t do much to need that many calories, but still... with everything changing, he was longing to have something that didn’t seem foreign about his big brother.

Quietly, Sam finished his sandwich before he stood up to collect the garbage and dumped all the waste in the bin. It was still early in the evening and he was feeling tired, so he also started the coffee while he was in the small kitchenette.

“You want some?” Sam asked his brother.

“Yeah... before that though...” Dean trailed off biting his lip.

“What?”

“I... uh need to use the... bathroom.” Sam watched as Dean’s cheeks gained color and he bit his own lip. Going to the bathroom was one of the few things Dean was still able to do. Washing himself, shaving, using the toilet, basically everything that happened behind the door, Dean was able to do them himself. But Sam knew that would change soon. He just didn’t expect it so soon.

“Okay.” Sam said softly. “Okay! I’ll... um...”

“Sam, relax! I’m not asking you to hold it for me while I pee!” Dean said mortified. “I just need you to help in the chair so I can take care of it myself.”

“OH! Oh” Sam stuttered. He grabbed Dean’s chair and helped his brother into it before his helping hands were roughly shoved away.

“I got it” Dean told him in a low yet firm voice.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t...”

“Yeah, I know.” Dean told him curtly before shutting the bathroom door on him.

Sam stood their shocked as he watched Dean wheel away from him and shut him outside. He was ashamed to admit that helping Dean like that, was going to be uncomfortable. Dean was his brother. The one who cleaned him up and changed his diapers even before he could write his own name. And here he was, embarrassed about helping his brother in his time of need.

Determined, Sam made up his mind. If he screws this up now, there’s no way Dean would accept his help later. And there’s no way that’s going to happen. He won’t let Dean suffer through this alone. Booting his laptop, he browsed it until he found what he was looking for and waited for Dean to come out.

Closing the door shut behind him, Dean took deep breathes to calm his nerves before progressing towards the toilet. When he had enough control, he brought his hands to the wheels to go forward but froze when he saw the bathroom. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before but now, the thought of Sam actually helping him do his thing, made itself known as Dean imagined that happening right in front of his eyes. He thought he had longer than this to figure it out. He bit back a sob realizing how wrong he was. Maybe it was time for him to put his plan into action. He turned to face the lowered mirror above the lowered counter.  ‘Maybe it’s for the best’ echoed through his mind as he replayed Sam’s words.

“No, it’s not” Dean spoke softly, to the emptiness around him, “But what happens next, will be.”

*****

Dean wheeled himself out about ten minutes later and found Sam perched on a chair looking at his laptop.

“There you are! I thought you were gonna stay there forever,” Sam said excitedly causing Dean to quirk his eyebrows at him. “Check this out!” Sam said rotating the laptop to the opposite direction so that it was now facing Dean.

Sighing, Dean wheeled over and took a look at the page in front of him. His eyes went huge as he took in the information. “What are you, nuts?!” Dean asked, shocked.

“What? No!” Sam said offended, but that didn’t deter him from the excitement he was barely able to contain. “Come on, it’ll be fun!”

“It’s a spa.”

“Close, it’s called a Jacuzzi.”

“How does that make it better?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “It’ll help with your sore muscles. I know sitting in the car for a long time isn’t the most ideal position for you...”

“So you think going to a women’s pool will help?” Dean interrupted.

Sam shook his head at his uncooperative brother, “It’s not a women’s pool, Dean. It’s a Jacuzzi. Almost like a hot tub but better. And it’ll help you,” Sam told him repeating and emphasizing the last line. He thanked whoever was watching over them that Dean’s symptoms didn’t include heat intolerance. It was a common symptom for multiple sclerosis patients but luckily Dean dodged that bullet, for now.

“Sam...”

“There are also private pools. No one will see you if you don’t want them to.” Sam told him gently, “Even me.” he added in a whisper.

“You’re really enjoying this vacation, aren’t you?” Dean said caving in. “Alright, but only...”

“Private,” Sam finished, “I promise”

“Good.” Dean said pushing himself back to the bed, “Now where’s that coffee?”

ms!dean, au, hurt!dean

Previous post
Up