Things that I have recently discovered:
Thing One.
I am a closet religious person. Eek. Let me explain. I recently read in a book (called Hidden Voices about Vivaldi and his orphan musicians and pointed out to me by Britt whilst browsing in Bookcafe) that "God never gives us any more than we can handle" and it kind of struck a chord with me. A few months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, as often happens to me. This time though, I was gripped by a sudden and very real fear that omg-nothing-exists-and-we're-all-going-to-disappear-if-I-blink, as I am from time to time. So, being a nerd and also being of the belief that almost any problem can be solved by a little creative brainstorming, I brainstormed. I came to the conclusion that God is not an omnipotent and all-powerful being who happens to have created everything, but rather that God is just another way of descibing what I have always thought of as being the energy that binds our universe together and gives life and enforces karma and so on. Given that, the quote translates to "the universe never gives us anything more than what we can cope with" and from that we can say "if a thing happens to me then I can take it as proof that I can cope with that thing because if I couldn't then it could not have happened to me". I find this comforting.
Thing Two.
I am absolutely sure that I need to be in Europe next year. The more I think about it, the more I feel the pull to be there. I've wanted to go there since before I can remember - though as a child I believe I said I wanted to go to England because by the time I was old enough to understand that there was a whole other world beyond the shores of Australia, I was also old enough to understand and fear the language barrier, and England was the only country that I was absolutely sure of being able to understand and be understood in. It never occured to me to become fluent in another language, and even if it had, how would I have picked one? I would have made myself learn every language I could think of and that would have been another thing to stress over, so I thank whatever nameless diety is out there for making me a naiive child. Anywho, I digress. The older I get, the stronger the pull becomes to be in Europe. And the more I research, the stronger the feeling of 'rightness' becomes. This is also comforting.
Thing Three.
I am glad that I went into hospital. I was terrified at the time and overwhelmed by the ideas of what people expected of me, particularly my parents. I understood at the time that my parents wanted to wrap me in cotton wool and keep me from the world, but I think I've had time to accept that now. Having accepted that their beliefs and their agenda is different to mine makes them no less frustrating, but it's much easier now to shrug off that frustration before I start behaving destructively. Also, I met other people in there who are very much like me in a lot of ways, and in the words of one of those people, "the people [in hospital] aren't crazies, they're just people with problems". I feel like I'm completely losing it a lot of the time, which is probably just a result of the anxiety, but it's easier to come back to reality after having seen other people going through the same thing. Anther thing which is comforting.
It's nice to come to comforting conclusions for once. I think the medications are working. :)