My Exciting Showbusiness Lifestyle
See that line of people? Towards the back, wedged in between People and InTouch on a spot of concrete that was exactly the size of a piece of 8x11 paper, was me. Me with my little silver tape recorder and my nerves of relatively pliable steel. InTouch lady was very, very wide with frizzy blonde hair and glasses while People's guy was younger and cuter (but by no means "cute"-but he did win my heart over later, as you will soon read).
Red Carpet reporting means you've got to be on your feet. You've got to pull questions out of your finely shaped ass and hope that the "Talent" in question won't look at you like you've sprouted another head. These were the only questions I had prepared for the event:
For Young Hollywood
So, what's the best part about being in young Hollywood?
What's the biggest drag about being young Hollywood?
For Older Hollywood
How has Hollywood changed since you started?
Who would you like to mentor in young Hollywood?
For Neither-Here-Nor-There
What movie inspired you to get into acting?
Of course, there were always the bullshit questions about why they were there, who they were presenting to, etc.
So, I've procured pictures from WireImage to make the whole affair a bit more kicky.
First guy to come over was Sean Faris. Who remembered me! From a phone interview! I thought that was really nifty. He was very nice, just like he was over the phone. Too bad his damn series got cancelled.
Sean Faris with America Ferrera, who is very into talking about serious topics that nobody really cares about on the Red Carpet. But is also very nice.
Here are some pictures of the people I talked to on the red carpet:
Frankie Muniz. Now, I chose this picture to illustrate how amazingly tiny the guy is. Just think about how tall cars are normally. Now look at him. He's just about the height of the car. In my heels (my two inch heels, mind you, nothing outrageous) I TOWERED over the hobbit. He was perfectly nice, however, I must admit. He seemed kind of frenetic and weird but that's probably due to the fact that he has grown up in the Hollywood spotlight and that's, essentially, the only thing he's ever known.
I forget why Angie Harmon presented to Frankie Muniz, but... Um, anyway, she's tall like me. And she was pregnant. And she was perfectly lovely when I talked to her about being a mom in Hollywood. Backstage she needed help getting downstairs so she grabbed on to my arm.
Carmen Electra was very nice as well, actually. This didn't surprise me since I am an expert, having seen maybe two episodes of her MTV reality show. /sarcasm Anyway, I totally forget what we talked about. But whatever. She's nice.
Jesse Metcalfe remembered me too! Or at least he pretended like he did. This was the red carpet interview when People Guy became my lifelong hero and asked him about the reports of the on-set tension. And Jesse paused for a bit before heading back out with a, "RE-DICK-U-LUS. We all love each other. We're a happy family. HAPPY FAMILY! WE'RE VERY CLOSE! WE EVEN CHEW FOOD FOR EACH OTHER AND THEN SPIT IT INTO EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS! THAT'S HOW CLOSE WE ARE!" K, I might be embellishing a little bit. But not that much.
Gavin Rossdale and Josie Maran. Two people who I was like, "Durrrr, what the hell do I ask these people?" So I asked them what their favorite movie was that got them into acting and Gavin Rossdale blabbers on for a bit and he's like, "Er, Scorcese." And I'm like, "Hey, buddy, pssssst! That's not a movie!" So I ask him to clarify and it looks like he's working really, really hard to come up with something. Eventually he says Taxi Driver. Then Josie Maran comes by. Same question. Essentially the same answer. The best part of the whole ordeal was Gwen Stefani wandering by blubbering like Anna Nicole Smith, "Where do I goooooo?" I'm serious. Close your eyes, hear both of them talk, and I swear to god it's the same person. One of them just has more street cred. Although thankfully Gwen is thankfully giving up her codependent relationship on her ill-begotten harajuku girls.
Marcia Cross. She was very nice. She also has droopy boobs. Also, it's really amazing how cameras don't pick up on how many lines are around her eyes. She doesn't look her age, except for her eye area where it looks like a road map of the English Cotswolds.
James Cameron has a very unhealthy infatuation with Jessica Alba. VERY UNHEALTHY.
The Dad From 7th Heaven. He was presenting to Ann-Margret because, apparently, they had done something together and some point or something. He revealed that she apparently has a crippling case of shyness. He also revealed that he's NOT a pastor in real life but is, in fact, an aging actor. Which was disappointing to discover. He also had a hair growing out of the top of his nose that I could not, for the life of me, stop staring at.
Jamie Lynn Spears. She's really sweet, actually. I hope that this whole fame game doesn't screw her up for life, but it probably will.
D.J. Qualls. MY FAVORITE! He's so birdy looking in real life that you can't help but want to take care of him. And he was very friendly and probably the funniest of the people I interviewed last night. He's from Tennessee. Bet you didn't know that, huh?
The very last person to arrive was, of course, Lindsay Lohan. So we were trying to get words in edgewise with her but it was pretty much a lost cause. I tried to ask her a question along the lines of, "So you're not a redhead anymore!" But it didn't work. And all I got out of her was, "Sorry, I can't hear you!"
Then some snarky photographer came by and said. "Well, at least you got, sorry I can't hear you!" And I said, "Haha. Very funny. I would recommend you sleep with one eye open."
Except I didn't actually say that.
Then we had to go backstage.
Let's have recent Auschwitz refugee LiLo illustrate backstage:
This is where people went after they got their award, got through all the other photographers, and came down for interviews. Those are swank rugs. There are two couches on the side where I would try to sit down when the moment came because standing for 7 hours in high-heels isn't very much fun.
The first award of the night went to Ann-Margret. For Hollywood Role Model or something like that.
She was wonderful, really. Very sweet and everything. She got her award but then was also presenting to Lindsay Lohan so she spotted me and asked, in that voice of hers, "Will you hold my award for me, dear?" So I got to hold her award as she went back up. Then handed it back to her when the time came. Yes, to be a lackey! Yessss!
So eventually I go downstairs to get my purse from the dressing rooms and come face-to-face with Halle Berry, who was using the room I put my purse in. The stern look on her bodyguard's face told me I should probably wait or something.
Then Greg Kinnear came down the steps, looking as pained and worried as he, you know, does. I didn't realize that was his default expression but, apparently, it is. Some people have happy expressions, some people have sad. His just looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone.
And right on his heels was Pierce Brosnan who isn't actually James Bond. He's actually just some old British actor.
I KNOW! I was upset too.
I sat staring at Greg Kinnear as his publicist was trying to talk to him and he was checking his voice messages, obviously not wanting to talk to her AT ALL. She was asking him some inane stuff and he would answer in very short sentences. I don't know if this is because he hates crappy publicist talk or if he's just a jerk. In any case, he's super cute.
OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT THE BEST PART!
So... After Lindsay gets her award, she asks to go to the bathroom. She goes down the stairs and then Anne says that I should show them where the bathroom is. Which is justifiable, considering there isn't a big sign that says LADIES directly across from where you go down the stairs. Oh, no wait, yes there is. So I am pointlessly following them downstairs and they duck into the make-up area. LiLo gets her touch-up. Then she and her publicist go into the bathroom. And, what's funny is that there is this area where you can see people's feet in the bathroom. And, what's also funny is that it doesn't look like either of them are going to the bathroom. In fact, it looks like Lindsay's shoes are hovering around the sink area. Funny, right?
So I came to the conclusion that Ms. Lohan has an unhealthy obsession with water faucets.
...Just sayin'.
ANYWAY: The after party involved me being absolutely exhausted, scarfing down some really good pasta and swilling some watered-down crappy Bacardi drinks. Then we left, gift bag in tow, and I went home and watched brand-new Family Guy.
I wasn't star struck once by any of the actors last night. But if I met Seth McFarlane, I think I would probably have heart palpitations.
I'll add more if I think of it. IF.
Oh, and P.S. Chris Evans is an enormous douche.
ETA: More LiLo gossip.