insomnia and monsters
I was hanging upside down from the overpass
waiting to discover something about the world
I couldn't get with the program, and I couldn't listen to them
it was like trying to think in reverse
and I don't wanna slide into apathy
and I don't wanna die in captivity
but these monsters follow me around
hunting me down
try to wipe me out
wipe me out
wipe me out
wipe me out
I was hiding away underwater
waiting for distance and buying some time
trying to be two hundred thousand years younger
so I could excuse myself from humankind
cause I don't wanna be a container
or a bastard with a ten-page disclaimer
but these monsters spin me around
get me down
just try and shut me out
There are times when life seems a little too huge to handle.
the path I've chosen for myself is a rough one.
the day I left high school, barely seventeen, I was capable of comprehending the enormity of my decision in the same sense that an ant is capable of comprehending the size of the skyscraper that casts a shadow next to his hill.
I wasn't just abandoning a building and a few classes, I was abandoning everything I'd been taught
casting away the dreams I'd been conditioned to have in favor of finding my own
I chose to make my own way in the world
I have not once regretted it
but, in a way, it can be terribly lonely and frightening.
I'm still torn, struggling with the desires and ambitions left over from eleven years of brainwashing
trying to find a balance between my definition of success and the "success" needed to survive in the world
fighting to give my life-hungry being some sustenance whilst I meditate in limbo
there are times it seems hopeless
that I'll never craft those dreams
or watch my potential blossom like a beautiful Mandelbrot
because the chance I'll go mad in the interim seems too great
I'm finally starting to realize something
I've been putting too much pressure on myself for the past two years
There are times I've been so preoccupied with figuring out what direction I should be heading in that I've been blind to the fact that I'm already on the right track.
I'm on the verge of turning nineteen, and I've already experienced so much.
I haven't been preparing for my life, I've been living it.
I don't have a piece of paper on my wall that says I graduated from high school
I don't have very much money
but I can walk through the world without fear of going homeless or hungry - I have places to stay almost anywhere I could think to go.
no matter where my travels and life take me, I'm never alone, for I know the love of more people than I can count.
For every line of my tattoos, for every hard-earned scar and callus, I have a hundred memories of kisses and laughter and renn faire and nocturnal street frisbee.
what more could I strive for, what more could I want?
I don't think I'll ever really know what I want to do with my life or myself
though the pace of the gypsy within me may slow, she'll never stop wandering
... and it's finally sinking in that maybe, just maybe, that's okay.
waiting to discover something about the world
I couldn't get with the program, and I couldn't listen to them
it was like trying to think in reverse
and I don't wanna slide into apathy
and I don't wanna die in captivity
but these monsters follow me around
hunting me down
try to wipe me out
wipe me out
wipe me out
wipe me out
I was hiding away underwater
waiting for distance and buying some time
trying to be two hundred thousand years younger
so I could excuse myself from humankind
cause I don't wanna be a container
or a bastard with a ten-page disclaimer
but these monsters spin me around
get me down
just try and shut me out
There are times when life seems a little too huge to handle.
the path I've chosen for myself is a rough one.
the day I left high school, barely seventeen, I was capable of comprehending the enormity of my decision in the same sense that an ant is capable of comprehending the size of the skyscraper that casts a shadow next to his hill.
I wasn't just abandoning a building and a few classes, I was abandoning everything I'd been taught
casting away the dreams I'd been conditioned to have in favor of finding my own
I chose to make my own way in the world
I have not once regretted it
but, in a way, it can be terribly lonely and frightening.
I'm still torn, struggling with the desires and ambitions left over from eleven years of brainwashing
trying to find a balance between my definition of success and the "success" needed to survive in the world
fighting to give my life-hungry being some sustenance whilst I meditate in limbo
there are times it seems hopeless
that I'll never craft those dreams
or watch my potential blossom like a beautiful Mandelbrot
because the chance I'll go mad in the interim seems too great
I'm finally starting to realize something
I've been putting too much pressure on myself for the past two years
There are times I've been so preoccupied with figuring out what direction I should be heading in that I've been blind to the fact that I'm already on the right track.
I'm on the verge of turning nineteen, and I've already experienced so much.
I haven't been preparing for my life, I've been living it.
I don't have a piece of paper on my wall that says I graduated from high school
I don't have very much money
but I can walk through the world without fear of going homeless or hungry - I have places to stay almost anywhere I could think to go.
no matter where my travels and life take me, I'm never alone, for I know the love of more people than I can count.
For every line of my tattoos, for every hard-earned scar and callus, I have a hundred memories of kisses and laughter and renn faire and nocturnal street frisbee.
what more could I strive for, what more could I want?
I don't think I'll ever really know what I want to do with my life or myself
though the pace of the gypsy within me may slow, she'll never stop wandering
... and it's finally sinking in that maybe, just maybe, that's okay.