Birthday fic for the fair fairmer
So today is the birthday of my platonic wife, my psychic brain twin, the complicated to my difficult, the fabulous fairmer.
Happy birthday, babe. Have some crack.
"Legally Binding Agreements between Two or More Parties" - How I Met Your Mother. R (language, sexual situations). 770 words. Barney/Lily/Marshall.
Twenty seconds after the most spectacular, mind-blowing sex of his life (and that's saying something, considering the three days he'd spent in a Sigma Delta sorority house in 1999), Barney realized the enormity of complications behind said mind-blowing sex and shucked out from under the blankets, scrambling for the end of the bed. "Well, that was great, gotta go!"
"Nuh uh, Barney, not so fast." Surprisingly strong fingers wrapped around his ankle and yanked, hard, flattening him to the mattress. The hand vanished from around his ankle, and a moment later slapped him on the ass, hard enough to sting.
He liked it.
Complication #1 stared him down when he righted himself, terrifying even naked and post-coitally rumpled. He looked toward the door, wondering if he had a chance even as she saw her fingers twitch out of the corner of his eye. "This is not a Stop and Go, Barney. You got the goods, now you're in for the long haul." She pointed at the spot on the bed he'd just vacated. "Cuddle."
Barney swallowed hard, but damn it, he was in possession of his balls at this moment (even though, to be honest, he hadn't exactly been unhappy when Lily had been in possession of them about an hour ago) and Barney Stinson had boundaries. "Lily, there was no discussion of any post-game activities. I refuse to be held liable for obligations that were not expressly… expressed."
Lily quirked an eyebrow. "Ooo, Barney. You sound like Marshall when you talk like that. And I love it when Marshall talks like that. Let's negotiate!" She wriggled, reminding Barney of forty-five minutes ago and what she'd been wriggling on. He grabbed the sheet to cover his sudden (and very substantial, thank you very much) shame.
"Seriously, dude, just give it up now. You can't win. She's ruthless." And there was Complication #2, sprawled contentedly, arms tucked comfortably behind his head, like he did this all the time. That convinced Barney the smug smile was less about the mind-blowing sex than watching Barney squirm.
"Marshall, we don't want to scare him. So no sudden moves." Lily smiled, the perfect picture of sweet, and that only made her more frightening. This time she patted the mattress next to her, with slow-mo exaggeration. "Come on, Barney. We'll take it slow, I promise."
"Nng." Frozen by indecision, his dick hard and heavy as an anchor, and seriously Not Helping, it was time for a pep talk. Boundaries, Stinson! Stick to them! It doesn't matter about that thing she does with her hands or what Marshall can do with his tongue. You are Barney Stinson and you have a reputation! You have standards! You cuddle for no man, or with no man. Or woman. Even if she can-
"Barney…" Oh god. It sent a shiver down his spine, dragged out in that sing-song, siren song, all sugar and steel, full of promise: dirty, carnal promise. Even Pep Talk Barney stopped to listen, lured by the possibilities, the yearning, the need, those breasts… They both leaned in toward Lily-
"Seriously, let me just put him in a wrestling hold." That snapped Barney free. He scrambled to the foot of the bed.
"Damn it Marshall, I almost had him!" Lily launched after him, grabbing him around the hips and almost dumping them both to the floor before she managed to wrangle him down. She sat square on his chest, apparently oblivious to his labored wheezing as all the air whooshed out of his lungs.
"Now Barney, let's be reasonable."
When he tried to suck in enough air to disagree with Lily's idea of reasonable, she bounced a little, and Barney decided to take Marshall's advice. He waved a corner of the white sheet at her.
"Good boy." She rolled away and Barney gasped in a huge breath. Marshall "tsk"ed, emphasizing the chastisement with a exaggerated shake of his head, while Barney palpitated his ribs, checking for jagged edges.
"Told you so," Marshall said as Lily rummaged through the drawer of the bedside table. She popped back up a moment later with victorious glee. A pair of shiny silver handcuffs dangled from her fingers. "If you cuddle I'll let you tie Marshall up."
Marshall choked on one of his "tsk"s. "What?!" The blood from drained from his face; Barney sat up and craned his head, and oh yes, it looked like it had drained directly south. This? This had potential. Legendary potential.
"Lily Aldrin," Barney said, "You drive a hard bargain." He took Lily's hand and shook it before drawing her into his lap. "Consider negotiations open."
Happy birthday, babe. Have some crack.
"Legally Binding Agreements between Two or More Parties" - How I Met Your Mother. R (language, sexual situations). 770 words. Barney/Lily/Marshall.
Twenty seconds after the most spectacular, mind-blowing sex of his life (and that's saying something, considering the three days he'd spent in a Sigma Delta sorority house in 1999), Barney realized the enormity of complications behind said mind-blowing sex and shucked out from under the blankets, scrambling for the end of the bed. "Well, that was great, gotta go!"
"Nuh uh, Barney, not so fast." Surprisingly strong fingers wrapped around his ankle and yanked, hard, flattening him to the mattress. The hand vanished from around his ankle, and a moment later slapped him on the ass, hard enough to sting.
He liked it.
Complication #1 stared him down when he righted himself, terrifying even naked and post-coitally rumpled. He looked toward the door, wondering if he had a chance even as she saw her fingers twitch out of the corner of his eye. "This is not a Stop and Go, Barney. You got the goods, now you're in for the long haul." She pointed at the spot on the bed he'd just vacated. "Cuddle."
Barney swallowed hard, but damn it, he was in possession of his balls at this moment (even though, to be honest, he hadn't exactly been unhappy when Lily had been in possession of them about an hour ago) and Barney Stinson had boundaries. "Lily, there was no discussion of any post-game activities. I refuse to be held liable for obligations that were not expressly… expressed."
Lily quirked an eyebrow. "Ooo, Barney. You sound like Marshall when you talk like that. And I love it when Marshall talks like that. Let's negotiate!" She wriggled, reminding Barney of forty-five minutes ago and what she'd been wriggling on. He grabbed the sheet to cover his sudden (and very substantial, thank you very much) shame.
"Seriously, dude, just give it up now. You can't win. She's ruthless." And there was Complication #2, sprawled contentedly, arms tucked comfortably behind his head, like he did this all the time. That convinced Barney the smug smile was less about the mind-blowing sex than watching Barney squirm.
"Marshall, we don't want to scare him. So no sudden moves." Lily smiled, the perfect picture of sweet, and that only made her more frightening. This time she patted the mattress next to her, with slow-mo exaggeration. "Come on, Barney. We'll take it slow, I promise."
"Nng." Frozen by indecision, his dick hard and heavy as an anchor, and seriously Not Helping, it was time for a pep talk. Boundaries, Stinson! Stick to them! It doesn't matter about that thing she does with her hands or what Marshall can do with his tongue. You are Barney Stinson and you have a reputation! You have standards! You cuddle for no man, or with no man. Or woman. Even if she can-
"Barney…" Oh god. It sent a shiver down his spine, dragged out in that sing-song, siren song, all sugar and steel, full of promise: dirty, carnal promise. Even Pep Talk Barney stopped to listen, lured by the possibilities, the yearning, the need, those breasts… They both leaned in toward Lily-
"Seriously, let me just put him in a wrestling hold." That snapped Barney free. He scrambled to the foot of the bed.
"Damn it Marshall, I almost had him!" Lily launched after him, grabbing him around the hips and almost dumping them both to the floor before she managed to wrangle him down. She sat square on his chest, apparently oblivious to his labored wheezing as all the air whooshed out of his lungs.
"Now Barney, let's be reasonable."
When he tried to suck in enough air to disagree with Lily's idea of reasonable, she bounced a little, and Barney decided to take Marshall's advice. He waved a corner of the white sheet at her.
"Good boy." She rolled away and Barney gasped in a huge breath. Marshall "tsk"ed, emphasizing the chastisement with a exaggerated shake of his head, while Barney palpitated his ribs, checking for jagged edges.
"Told you so," Marshall said as Lily rummaged through the drawer of the bedside table. She popped back up a moment later with victorious glee. A pair of shiny silver handcuffs dangled from her fingers. "If you cuddle I'll let you tie Marshall up."
Marshall choked on one of his "tsk"s. "What?!" The blood from drained from his face; Barney sat up and craned his head, and oh yes, it looked like it had drained directly south. This? This had potential. Legendary potential.
"Lily Aldrin," Barney said, "You drive a hard bargain." He took Lily's hand and shook it before drawing her into his lap. "Consider negotiations open."