Modern Use II Chapter Twenty
Disclaimer: This story is totally fiction! So don't get your panties in a wad.
Warning: May contain adult language and content.
Chapter Twenty
Trying to concentrate on pouring those people some drinks was really a task while Ville’s voice rang throughout the club. I found myself staring until Rob snapped me back to work. I had to shake it off when I found myself getting emotional watching his performance.
I almost wanted to bail. There was so much he wanted to say obviously and something I really wanted him to know, but I was unsure if I could handle it at all. For months I cursed him for taking off when I was left with nothing. And now, I have an opportunity for closure and I almost want to avoid it all together.
When the show finally ended I cleaned up the mess on the bar and stayed until Rob told me I could go, but before I turned to leave he told me he has a message for me as he handed me a note.
“Out back” Was all the note read
The five minute walk from the bar out the back door was not enough time to clear the clutter of thoughts forming in my head. I couldn’t seem to calm my nerves and hiding my hands in my coat pockets wasn’t enough to hide my edginess.
The second I stepped outside the wind seemed to pick up dramatically. My hair flew over my head as I looked around to find him talking with a crew guy smoking a cigarette. His eyes immediately saw me and excused himself.
Each step closer to each other I felt my heart breaking. I expected him to hug me or say something completely off the wall to try to get me to smile. That is what he usually does when he notices an uneasiness in me. But when he didn’t, when the first words were hurtful and angry, I stopped in my tracks.
“What were you thinking?” He asked coldly.
I have never stood so close to him and yet felt so far away at the same time. I was about to turn and leave until he started laughing.
“I meant your hair. Why on earth would you go blond?” He giggled pulling me into a hug.
I rolled my eyes. “I was born blond, okay.” I replied.
“Sure, sure.” He smiled, stuffing his hands in his jean pockets. “Something’s different in you.”
I shrugged my shoulders. It’s his gift to always notice my weak points before anyone else. “Well, I’m not the same, Ville.”
“Yeah, I figured. I was hoping by my absence things would go back to normal for you.”
“Things don’t go back to normal when normal isn’t really there to begin with.”
“Well, can I ask you a question that I have been racking my brain with for years now?” He asked.
I nodded.
“Why the hell would you pick a psychologist over me?” He smirked.
I laughed. “I had my reasons.”
“And they are?”
“They are my business, Ville.”
He looked over his shoulder then back at me, “Would it help if we went somewhere private?” He whispered.
My eyes fell to the ground immediately. Of course I wanted to be alone with him, but I also know what it’s like to wonder who your love is with and what he is doing and I did not want to do that to this woman who has branded him with her initial.
His motive was obvious, but I couldn’t say no. I let him guide me by the hand up the steps of their tour bus that took us to their hotel on the other side of town. I let Ville snuggle next to me during the fifteen minute ride. He was wiped out and yet didn’t seem to want to take his eyes off of me. I let him hold me close to him as we made our journey from the bus to his room and I let him hug me once more, but that hug was the breaking point.
“I can’t do this.” I whispered, pulling away from him. “You have someone back home, and you are about you ruin her.”
“Kind of like the way you did me?” He asked.
“What are you talking about?”
He rolled his eyes. “The doctor, sweetheart. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about all of that, because I haven’t.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and let out a loud sigh. I almost wanted to tell him right then, but I stopped myself. Not like this I won’t.
“And how the one time I have a moment of weakness you rejected me, when you have had many and I loved you in spite of all that.”
“I rejected you?” I asked, shocked at his words. “Excuse me, but I think what happened was you walked away from me, mister.”
His arms fall to his sides. His face blank and eyes moving everywhere but me.
“Can I ask you something? Why everything it seems like it’s over for good between us we always manage to find ourselves right here? Right where this whole thing start? Why everything you walked out on me, I expected not to see you again and half the time you came knocking at my door?”
He remained silent..
“I can’t treat you that badly if you always come back. You come back for a reason. And quite frankly I don’t understand why.” I said.
“You know exactly why, darling.” He replied softly. “Let’s forget for a moment that I have a fiancé. Let’s forget for a moment that our relationship has so many problems. You know what you feel inside is real and yet that means absolutely nothing to you.”
“Don’t talk like you know me. We haven’t spoken for years! I am not the same person you once knew!” I yelled over him.
“Oh, I know who you are, sweetheart.” He replied grabbing my wrist and pulling my shirt sleeve up revealing my track marks.
I pulled my arm from his grip and felt the tears rolling down my face. “Yes!” I yelled, “Yes, I’m fucked up! I’m weak and god wrenching pathetic! And each minute I spend standing here with you, knowing this whole thing was never supposed to happen, knowing we were never supposed to meet, makes me want to end it all right here and now!”
I glared at him as he stared at me in anguish. I pushed past him and reached to open the door. I looked back once more, “Just to finally get it out of me, I just want you to know that that baby was yours.” And with that I left.
I didn’t see the expression on his face. I didn’t want to know how angry he was. I just kept walking till I reached the subway and headed back to my poor existence.
The End
Epilogue
Hello. My name is Ville and I regret to inform you that Faye Brown will not be able to finish her story for she is no longer with us. A terrible tragedy has become her life and so now I will be finishing the story she started long ago.
Let’s begin with the last time I saw her, when she was crying before me and told me that the baby she lost was mine.
Something clicked in me when those words came from her lips. I would have chased after her had I not been so arrogant. I couldn’t sleep the entire night. I had no idea where she was staying or where to find her at that hour. So, I smoked up a storm of cigarettes and pondered on the information she had held from me for so long.
At first I was incredibly angry with her. I detested the fact that she would be so selfish. Why she felt she couldn’t tell me was what I couldn’t figure out. We had lost a child once before, so why couldn’t she tell me?
After a few hours of silence and a dozen cigarette buds I began to feel sympathetic towards the idea. I know I’m no prince charming. I come with a lot of baggage and a life style that doesn’t really suit anyone. I’m am definitely not the ideal father figure. So, I began to understand why she opted for the Doctor instead of me.
In the midst of my pondering, I managed to pass out for a few hours. When I woke, I felt a sadness I couldn’t explain. My heart felt heavy and I felt short of breath. I grabbed my inhaler, thinking it was the large amount of cigarettes the night before. But then I still felt the sadness, like a dark hole had been drilled right through my heart. I passed if off as aftershock from the terrible news she revealed to me the night before.
It was just after noon when I finally set out to find her. I had about five hours to do so and little hope. The only place I could think to go was the bar we played the night before.
I walked in and found a short stubby male who introduced himself as Rob. He was reluctant to fork over her address but I managed to get it out of him. Before I turned to leave, he stopped me for a second.
“Tell that girl not to pull her shit and show up late tonight.”
I rolled my eyes and nodded. That was the last thing I was worried about and he had to be an idiot to think I gave a shit.
The cab ride was pure agony. I couldn’t wait to see her face, to hug her, to kiss her. She was it. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on her. When I first saw her in the crowd at one of our shows almost 6 years ago. I knew I would not settle for less and I cursed myself for ever thinking otherwise.
I stepped out of the cab and couldn’t help but observe the living quarters of which she had reduced herself to. The building looked as if it were a hundred years old and about to collapse at any moment. The interior was no better. The wallpaper hung loose in many places, the wood flooring was chipped and stained and the place reeked of urine. Up the steps to the third floor I went and slowly made my way down the hall. I could help but think she deserves better than this, way better than this. And I will take her away from this mess.
Before apartment number 288 I stood. I stopped to take a breath, feeling the heaviness in my chest I felt when I woke. I took a hit from my inhaler before knocking.
After the second knock I made a bold move and turned the knob to find the door unlocked. I stepped in to find a cold dark empty apartment. There was no furniture, no blinds covering the windows and nothing hung on the walls. The dark wood floors were dinged up and covered in stains. I tried to flip on a light but found there was no electricity.
I could see down the dark hall way into an empty bedroom from standing at the front door. I took another whiff of my inhaler. Surely she would hear my entrance. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as I slowly made my way down the hall. The closer I got the harder it became to breathe.
Once I stepped inside the room, I felt a moment of release. She was not here. I looked to the corner of the room to find a bag of clothes and that was all she owned. I couldn’t stop the tears that began to form in my eyes. How could someone live like this?
I was about to turn and leave until I suddenly got the urge to open the closet door to my left. My knuckles gripped the door knob tightly for a moment while I attempted to catch my breath. My hand went to cover my mouth when I pulled the door open.
Her pale lifeless body lay curled up on the floor of the closet. A rolled up paper rested in her hand and she had my lush blue scarf around her neck.
I pulled the paper from her stiff fingers and sat down on the floor right there and read it.
I don’t know what I could’ve done to redeem myself from loosing you. I should have cherished you the way you cherished me. I should have told you about the baby. It was the worse thing I could’ve done. And I couldn’t stand to hurt you any longer. You are my everything and I want you to know that without you I would have been gone a long time ago. My time here is up. See you on the other side.
Love eternally,
Faye
My inhaler was of no use now. I was crying uncontrollably as I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and called for help.
While I waited for them to arrive, I lied before the door as close to her as I could. Her eyes lay half open staring blankly at me as I lost control of my emotions.
It has been a week since her passing. I miss her like hell and want nothing more than to see her smiling face again. I told myself if there is anything I could do, I would do it. That’s when it hit me. Her unfinished story.
I made a call to her old publishers and talked my way through to get the manuscript and now here I sit typing away about the love of my life. She taught me a lot in the time I’ve known her. She believed in me too much to believe in herself. Her disgust with her own self had smothered her ultimately used her to her last breath.
Her picture that sits before me will forever haunt me and I await the day I can see those hazel eyes sparkle again.