Modern Use II Chapter Twelve & Thirteen
Disclaimer: This story is totally fiction! So don't get your panties in a wad.
Warning: May contain graphic nature.
Chapter Twelve
Understand that I have loved this man for a long time. And understand that my heart will always go out for him when he is in need. I couldn't help it. My natural instinct was to allow him back into my life. Even though my love was nonnegotiable to him now, I will always be a friend.
When I opened my door that morning and saw that broken smile on his face and the sorrow beaming from his eyes, my heart went into overdrive. It felt as if my heart wanted to come up my throat and out onto the floor before him. His tattered clothes and dirty, greasy hair only suggested that he was going through something rough.
The sweat spilled down his brow as we sat before each other at my dining room table. His hands were clasped together and he was jittery all over. I knew all to well, considering my past, what he had been doing since we last saw each other.
His eyes narrowed and avoided my gaze as he broke the silence. "There is so much to explain to you, Faye, that I don't know where to begin." He paused. He wanted to be careful to use the right words. "I only wanted happiness for you. That is all I've ever wanted since the moment I laid eyes on you. And it seemed I did a the trick effortlessly for a while. After you got sober, I vowed to you that I would do that for everyday for the rest of my life. Do you remember that?"
I nodded, feeling the tears spilling down my face. "Yes. It was christmas three years ago."
He watched me, studying me for a moment. His eyes fell from mine when he went on. "I noticed a change in you not long after we moved in here. I couldn't wrap my head around it. But then one day we were at Mige and Kimmi's home having dinner with them. I noticed something that I know has been there all along, but chose to avoid it until that day. I noticed the way you were with Kimmi's little girl. I saw a longing in your eyes."
I felt as if my heart just melted in my chest. He had hit it right on the dot. "I never knew you paid so much attention." I replied softly.
"Oh, but I do, darling. I know absolutely everything about you. I know the rhythm of your breath before you fall asleep. I know to duck when you get so angry that your face turned red." He laughed to himself. "I know it all, Faye."
I forced myself to look away. I wasn't sure if I could handle to hear any more. But he went on.
"But that is not all I've come here to say." He sighed. "You have such a way with me that when you are in my life, everything that mattered before no longer did. All the pettiest of things in life were no longer relevant. So, naturally, when you refused me over and over, I lost faith in you. In us."
I took a deep breath and remained still, knowing he was not finished.
"I went on with life, at least I tried to. Although, I found myself being the pathetic ass that I am and did what I always do: drink. I drank till I could drink no more. I did this from sunrise to sunrise, every single pathetic day, since the day you left me in Greece." He stopped. I could feel the overpowering shutter in his voice. He was on the verge of breaking down. In all the time I've known this man, he has nver once been so weak. He wanted to beg, I could see it in his eyes, but he was too ashamed to do so.
When his eyes didn't return to mine, I lifted his chin and just stared at him for a bit, until the words came forward. "I will always be here for you, you know this. I will always love you, you know this as well. But this has gone off the deep end. I don't think we will ever be right."
His eyes fell again.
"You can accept my invitation to be your friend, or you can get up right anow and walk out. You are free to change your mind if you like, because I will always be here. I will be the best friend you never had. But know that if you walk out and don't come back until long from now, do know that invitation will have run out."
I watched him as his eyes moved everywhere. He was considering my offer till there was nothing left in him. I stood and left him to ponder his desicion. I stood over the kitchen sink, washing and rinsing plates and silverware, anxious to know what he was thinking.
I half expected him to stay. Although, if I know Ville, and I think I do, I truly expected him to stand and leave without so much as a wave goodbye. And when I heard the click of the front door shutting closed, I smiled at my precise prediction.
Chapter Thirteen
The next morning, I woke hoping to feel relieved; that the burden was gone, but instead I felt angry and disappointed. I rolled off the bed and found Saxon still asleep and as usual never stirred when I woke. He came home really late the night before, climbing into bed hours after I had done so. I remember lying awake watching the glow of the digital clock on the night stand until I heard the door to my apartment open. Saxon was careful not to wake me, even though he didn't know that I already was. He slipped under the covers and avoided me in a way that left me feeling so alone.
I sat at my kitchen table, trying to enjoy a good cup of coffee and reading the newspaper under the sunlight that snuck through my lare windows. A moment's peace was all I longed for, but that moment was destroyed when Saxon appeared around the corner.
He grabbed a cup of coffee and sat across from me at the table. He smirked after snatching the paper right from my fingers and began reading himself. I looked away and bit my lip in frustration. I wanted to avoid conflict with him, but when I opened my mouth, I couldn't help it.
"Well, someone got in a little late lastngiht." I smarted off before standing and walked over the the fridge. I came back with a red apple and sat back down, taking a bite. "Doctor, aren't you going to explain yourself?"
His eyes peered over the top of the paper, glaring at me before they lowered again. "Yes, I did."
I rolled my eyes and silently agreed to drop the subject. I took another mouth full of apple and asked, "Well, do you have to work today, doctor?"
He shook his head, not taking his eyes off his precious paper.
I rolled my eyes again. "Well, Kimmi and I are going shopping later. Do you want to come, Doctor?" I asked taking another bite.
He, again, shook his head. Of course, Dr. Boring never wants to do any thing, I thought.
"You know how I fell about that girl, Faye. And you don't need to go shopping. You have enough crap." He mumbled, paying little attention to me.
I rolled my eyes, yet again, taking yet another bite, feeling completely annoyed by his presence.
Then out of nowhere, her blurted, "Keep chewing like a cow, Faye, and you'll end up like one. You're ass is getting big enough for the both of us."
This, of course, lit the flame, but I some how managed to avoid any other words with him at that moment. He was obviously in one of his moods and that meant to stay clear of him. So I stood, shook it off, and disappeard to my bathroom.
The hot shower seemed to melt the tension in me and I found myself feeling a lot better by the minute. That is, until I stepped out of the bathroom and heard Saxon's voice talking to someone. I got dressed in a hurry, not once hearing the voice of his unknown visitor. When I came around the corner to find Ville sitting at the bar stool across the kitchen island, my heart dropped. I had not yet told him about Dr. Roth and saw the hurt in his eyes when he noticed me.
Saxon was standing on the other side of the counter talking about the football game that was playing on the plasma television across in the livingroom. Ville listened to him only to keep the peace, I noticed. When Saxon noticed Ville's eyes move he turned to me and smiled.
"Feeling better, Hun?" He asked. His whole manner had drastically changed and it was without a doubt a show he was putting on for this visitor. He pulled me to stand next him, as I avoided Ville's gaze. "She's been feeling bad all morning, you know, with a baby on the way and all."
I bit my lip, before faking a smile for Saxon when he would look at me and then back to Ville. I could only imagine what was going through Ville's head, but I couldn't help and wonder how Saxon knew about it at all. I had not told him yet, and that frightened me.
Surprisingly, Ville remained calm on the outside, although anyone who was paying attention could tell that there was a lot going on behind his eyes. Saxon went on, totally oblivious, rambling as Ville nodded along and gave two to three word responsed every now and then. When Ville felt he had overstayed his welcome, he rose and said goodbye.
Bruised, tattered and torn at heart, i sat on the floor of my hallway leaning against the wall, gripping my chin in pain. He had done it again. Saxon waited until Ville left to spill it all out. He raged about how he knew about my pregnancy for weeks and that I neglected to tell him. I tried to calm him and explain but he didn't want to hear a word from me and literally punched me in my chin. He said how he knew who our vistor was and demanded that he never show his face around here again.
So, now I sat broken on my hallway floor, scared that he was watching me through my many large windows in my flat. I didn't know what to do. This wasn't the first time Saxon raised a hand to me, but never like this. I just didn't get it. He was so nice and loving the first few weeks he came back.
Hearing a set of keys unlocking the front door sent me into a panic. I pulled my knees to my chest, shaking. When the door opened, I burried my face and waited for Saxon to do more damage. But he didn't. I felt him kneel next to me and pull me against him. I was shaking uncontrolably, but gasped when I realised that it wasn't Saxon at all. I lifted my face from his chest to see Ville looking down on me.