L.O.V.E.
Oh, how quickly we change. Love has become something different to me. I used to think it was nothing. Going from guy to guy to girl to guy was my way of experiencing love. Then I met my first love. The earth shattering kind. The kind that changes you for life and your views of sex forever. When that ended I never went back to my previous notions about love. Actually, I refused to settle for anything less than earth shattering. I honestly believed that I would one day find another love as affective as my first. I didn't believe that we only got one chance.
I then found someone I thought was going to be that, but more. Someone who had direction and was almost the complete opposite of myself, thinking that would be the balance I needed. It was, in fact, that opposition that almost carried me away from the things I love. It almost changed me forever, but in the worse ways. That love was never really love because I let it dilute me and the things that made me who I am.
When my first love came back around, I almost convinced myself that maybe they were right; maybe we only get one love. The same old feelings came flying back the moment he kissed me. Those feelings didn't compare to the previous ones. It was still in a league of it's own, even five years later. But the ugly truth came out eventually, that love was only one sided.
I found love to be devious after that; a self indulgence to pass the time. Temporary insanity to feel alive. Could love really exist if no one is in attendance?
It's not about finding the perfect mate or the closest clone to yourself to ensure you will desire desire. It's the flame that ignites when you hear their voice or feel their touch, the stir of butterflies in your stomach. The ache when they are away or silent.
The question is how many times to we get to experience all the good stuff before they all turn bad and we loose all hope. I feel I am at that edge. The potential I have within arm's reach is pretty intimidating. If this perfect human being, who sees me perfectly, is not willing, then I fear I may fall into the pit. I hate to feel so vulnerable. I hate that it is all pretty much in his hands. But I'm not a game player. I lay out the entire deck of cards and they decide if they want to play; there is no poker face or bluffing.
I can't help but ask myself if I can really be with someone who is so much like myself. He has very similar views on many important philosophies. He has thick skin and yet still has a heart and isn't afraid to show it. He works hard for what he wants. He is sweet and very pleasing to the eye.
But he is here and there. He is controversial and unyielding. He won't budge in is preconceived ideas about a perfect mate, who has to check off on every single demand on the list. And I am known for being imperfect. In fact, I pride myself in that and the fact that I can accept it. I am not afraid of imperfection, never have been. I find it to be beautiful actually.
I fear if he can let go I will melt and fall so deeply I may forget my way out. Good or bad? Who knows.
I then found someone I thought was going to be that, but more. Someone who had direction and was almost the complete opposite of myself, thinking that would be the balance I needed. It was, in fact, that opposition that almost carried me away from the things I love. It almost changed me forever, but in the worse ways. That love was never really love because I let it dilute me and the things that made me who I am.
When my first love came back around, I almost convinced myself that maybe they were right; maybe we only get one love. The same old feelings came flying back the moment he kissed me. Those feelings didn't compare to the previous ones. It was still in a league of it's own, even five years later. But the ugly truth came out eventually, that love was only one sided.
I found love to be devious after that; a self indulgence to pass the time. Temporary insanity to feel alive. Could love really exist if no one is in attendance?
It's not about finding the perfect mate or the closest clone to yourself to ensure you will desire desire. It's the flame that ignites when you hear their voice or feel their touch, the stir of butterflies in your stomach. The ache when they are away or silent.
The question is how many times to we get to experience all the good stuff before they all turn bad and we loose all hope. I feel I am at that edge. The potential I have within arm's reach is pretty intimidating. If this perfect human being, who sees me perfectly, is not willing, then I fear I may fall into the pit. I hate to feel so vulnerable. I hate that it is all pretty much in his hands. But I'm not a game player. I lay out the entire deck of cards and they decide if they want to play; there is no poker face or bluffing.
I can't help but ask myself if I can really be with someone who is so much like myself. He has very similar views on many important philosophies. He has thick skin and yet still has a heart and isn't afraid to show it. He works hard for what he wants. He is sweet and very pleasing to the eye.
But he is here and there. He is controversial and unyielding. He won't budge in is preconceived ideas about a perfect mate, who has to check off on every single demand on the list. And I am known for being imperfect. In fact, I pride myself in that and the fact that I can accept it. I am not afraid of imperfection, never have been. I find it to be beautiful actually.
I fear if he can let go I will melt and fall so deeply I may forget my way out. Good or bad? Who knows.