Read it only if you really want to

[spitchen1]

So it's nearing 2 a.m. and I'm simply plagued with thought. I'm admitting to it. Finally. I hate being single. I miss being in a relationship with someone. I miss being at liberty to care for and about someone. I miss being on the phone all the time, and getting all giggly because my boyfriend is going to come and pick me up. I want to be loved again, I want to be cared for. This sucks. But the difference between how I used to be and how I am now is so extreme that I don't have a firm grasp upon where to begin. I'm such a strong person now, with solid morals, and very high standards that I'm shocked that guys actually call me at all. I mean don't get me wrong, I know all of my own characteristical flaws and all that hooplah, and I'm kinda proud of them, because if I wasn't such a bloody dork, then whoever decides (or happens to fall in) to love me, would know how to deal with me. I mean look at me! I listen to loud obnoxious music, I'm dramatic almost to a fault, I take showers when I have nothing better to do, I bake scones while I watch LOTR because it makes me feel like I'm going on the adventure, I think sheep butts are cute, I can't bellydance to save my life but love it just the same, I can beat up most of the men that I know, I'm taller than most chicks, I can't see more than a foot away from me, I can't even determine what bloody haircolor I have!, I'm obsessed with marriage, I want twins because I secretly hope that it'll make that whole labor and pregnancy thing less of a pain if I get two in one go, I'm a horrible hopeless closet romantic but I'm too shy to tell guys that, so they think that because I'm a fighter then romance must mean that I like to fart with them, I'm opinionated, and I'm blunt. I scare the crap out of people! So here I sit with standards that for the first time in my life actually meet me as a person, and I hate being single. I keep my standards high and my expectancy low. Just once I'd like to meet a guy who, when they ask what I do in my free time, finds the things that I do endearing. I'd like to find one who finds that I don't know what to say at what time, that my timing is horrible, and that I really do mean well, charming. Someone who'll sit and listen to how utterly crushed I was to have to sign a document for the military stating that I would never be gay and such and such why it's immoral. Not that it's a tendancy of mine, but I didn't like to have to agree with that type of stereotypical homophobia, all so that I can hop on a plane and see the world. And YES I would like a guy who will say,'Janine, I love you, and I want to stay with you as long as I possibly can', while I'm in the military. Granted I don't expect it, but none-the-less, it is a not so much of a secret fantasy of mine that I don't even let myself hope for. I've got such a busy life, but I want someone to share it with, who'll stand by my side and be proud that their (for lack of proper wording) woman is doing something that'll help her achieve her dreams, that she HAS dreams, and that she can out spit, out run, out drink, and out fight any of his guyfriends and still look stunning in an evening gown. I'm not angry, but this is my rant. I love who I am, and I want someone else to love her too! I think that it's fair at this point, it took me long enough to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I saw! Jeez! I guess I just miss feeling like I'm something special to someone else. But in the meantime, I'm gonna go strap on my armor (literally) jack up a couple of foolios, and hope that someone'll see what I see.
Love,
Janine