(no subject)
i'm 24 hours away from dropping my cat off at a kennel, driving to an airport, and waiting to board a plane for japan. it's so odd... it's starting to feel real, but it hasn't quite sunk in yet, not like it will when i'm at the terminal waiting.
...and i'm once again reminded of how incredibly different this girl is from the last. whereas last girl would break up with me prior to departure, be convinced that i was going to fornicate wildly with the local population, and place unrealistic expectations on me during the trip - somehow emailing constantly from tropical islands in the middle of miles upon miles of open sea. i'm instead dealing with somebody who is excited and happy for me, supportive, and caring. what am i going to do with myself if i'm not tied to a lode stone that's constantly fighting to bring me down? i guess i'll have to live with being happy - and live with trying to find some way to communicate happiness in writing (uncharted waters in my life).
...if that isn't enough, she's going to 80's night at a bar 300+ miles away with friends tonight and i'm not worried. i'm not concerned that she's going to drink too much and end up in someone else's bed. i'm pretty sure she's going to have a fun time and i'm secure about the whole thing. i haven't even expressed jealousy - although, maybe i should. i mean, i hear that girls like to know that their boyfriends are jealous. i don't want to ruin anything by not playing up to my part in this dance. still, i'm not overly jealous of things that i'm not already jealous of as a result of distance, it just seems redundant.
at this point, i couldn't be happier that last girl tore me apart. it kills some small part of my pride and ego to admit that she was right, but in the end, she was... and even at the time she was. her and i never had a level of trust that came naturally, it was forced and uneasy. i acted on what i "should" feel, instead of what i "did" feel. i tried to ignore it and did a good job of it. i lied to myself. i couldn't face up to the reality of the situation. i couldn't get an outside perspective on the whole thing because i was so caught up in the tightrope balancing act of preserving her fickle and distant happiness at any cost.
...
i just needed to write that out. it was one of those realizations that i needed to crystallize in writing and store for the future.
...and i'm once again reminded of how incredibly different this girl is from the last. whereas last girl would break up with me prior to departure, be convinced that i was going to fornicate wildly with the local population, and place unrealistic expectations on me during the trip - somehow emailing constantly from tropical islands in the middle of miles upon miles of open sea. i'm instead dealing with somebody who is excited and happy for me, supportive, and caring. what am i going to do with myself if i'm not tied to a lode stone that's constantly fighting to bring me down? i guess i'll have to live with being happy - and live with trying to find some way to communicate happiness in writing (uncharted waters in my life).
...if that isn't enough, she's going to 80's night at a bar 300+ miles away with friends tonight and i'm not worried. i'm not concerned that she's going to drink too much and end up in someone else's bed. i'm pretty sure she's going to have a fun time and i'm secure about the whole thing. i haven't even expressed jealousy - although, maybe i should. i mean, i hear that girls like to know that their boyfriends are jealous. i don't want to ruin anything by not playing up to my part in this dance. still, i'm not overly jealous of things that i'm not already jealous of as a result of distance, it just seems redundant.
at this point, i couldn't be happier that last girl tore me apart. it kills some small part of my pride and ego to admit that she was right, but in the end, she was... and even at the time she was. her and i never had a level of trust that came naturally, it was forced and uneasy. i acted on what i "should" feel, instead of what i "did" feel. i tried to ignore it and did a good job of it. i lied to myself. i couldn't face up to the reality of the situation. i couldn't get an outside perspective on the whole thing because i was so caught up in the tightrope balancing act of preserving her fickle and distant happiness at any cost.
...
i just needed to write that out. it was one of those realizations that i needed to crystallize in writing and store for the future.