My book: Chronicles of Azion: The Coming

[raven_christina]

I finally decided I'd post some of my book. Mainly just the prologue and chapter one though.

Please comment.

Prologue
          It was a dark, rainy night. Water poured from the gutters into the streets as many ran to find shelter. Beggars slunk into doorways, shielding themselves against the downpour.
          Galen limped towards the doorway on his

Comments

Thoughts

[loverofdragons]

I like it for the most part. Few things to point out (that were things told to me in my college writing courses).

Prologue

Take out the very first line. You show us that it's night and raining. Don't tell us the lady is a noblewoman. It's not obvious at first that she is but when the picture is cried upon by the king, you know who the picture is of. The line about the demise being robbed, leave it at the word demise. This is because in the next line you tell us she's robbed. And how did the man know the sex of the baby right away? YOu don't say the babe was naked and if it was a noblewoman's it wouldn't have been. Plus if it was a noblewoman's baby there would have been some kind of search but maybe that isn't shown yet.

In the chapter

You can't have the POV change from one line to the next in the same section. It's a big no no they say. Change from one scene to another and it's ok. Just say taller than most, not most girls. When Belle shows up, say the girl not person that Ravon turns to. Show don't tell that the don't look aline (which you did very well) and don't tell age differences. Don't say who the stall belongs to, just say the stall. In the next scene we know who owns it. Don't tell that the outpost has fallen when the next line is a question about it. Keep the showing there and take out the telling.

One final thing, do your elves age like they do in D&D and other fantasy stories? If so Ravon would look differently and actually be younger than Belle. But I do have to admit I am interested in reading more and wanting to know what the real problem.