a piece in progress for my WRT 150 class
Kim Mertz
10/10/06
WRT 150
I should have beaten her up. I should have knocked some sense into her. The pain can’t be so great that she wouldn’t notice my anger, my outrage at what she tried to do. The selfish focus of her actions can’t have been enough to block her from seeing how much she hurt me.
To not see the sunshine on the leaves, and the water, is something I can’t imagine. To have nothing to wake up to, or to go to sleep thinking about…Never feeling love again, or any smaller pain, or happiness, or anger even, those I can not imagine leaving behind. Sunshine on the water, through the trees, peeking through the clouds, turning meadows golden, making frost and snow sparkle, these things I would trade for nothing
Perhaps it is because our perspectives were so different all along. She was always the younger one. She still is, even though she is taller than me. It is something in her brain that may never make her feel like my exact equal, no matter how much respect I may give her, no matter how much I treat her like my friend. She believes that she is not as strong as me. I can’t convince her of seeing otherwise, she absolutely insists that is the way she is and can’t change.
I would say perhaps again, but this I know to be a fact; she never made the same connection with nature. I was the older one; I had a much stronger bond with dad. She was the younger one, and a mama’s girl. Always. Dad was very science and nature oriented, mom was more religious and not very adept when it came to venturing out-of-doors anyway.
A brief thought…If she was so religious, why didn’t she turn to the Lord for solace in such a time of suffering and need?! Isn’t that what religion is for, or why people sigh up with one? Well, it is my opinion anyway; that it serves as a comfort, like a security blanket or pacifier to a small child, religion gives the believer something to hold on to when in troubled waters. I know my opinion may not be the most positive one. Granted, religions bring communities together and makes people feel like part of something greater, like they have a purpose in the world. But it also throws masses against each other, rips families apart. Her faith did nothing for her. I am absolutely certain that she never thought of God during all of this, never thought that killing yourself is a mortal sin (or something like that), and never considering that it might be “part of the Lord’s plan” or “a way He was working to make her stronger.” I came to think of this as her Trial by Fire, a period where she felt intense pain and grief and the test was something that would awaken her. It would give her a greater appreciation of what she had not even thought of when trying to leave her pain behind. At the same time it would harden her somewhat and make her more immune to such things later in her life.
She cannot be truly religious, any more than she realizes how selfish she was actually being, how much her actions were influenced by stereotypes and faerie tales. The idea that she could get away from the pain was all that consumed her, and she didn’t even think that it might have brought others just as much pain. Her mother, her father, myself; we all suffered while she was in the hospital, and the second time she went back, after the second attempt, it was breaking our hearts. I couldn’t abandon her, couldn’t turn my back in revulsion thinking she could even consider doing that, and I certainly couldn’t knock her around at this point. Whenever I was near her I merely wanted to protect, to comfort, and to be there for her.
Honestly, I couldn’t have said to her, “the Lord is giving you a way to see your own strength by having you go through this” “The lord will carry you and see you through the pain,” “Tell your troubles to the Lord and trust in Him to guide you.” I could not say it was all part of His Plan, or anything like that. She would know I didn’t believe it, and so it would only cheapen my words. I could not tell her something I consider an un-truth, but I would tell her anything to help her get through this in one piece.
I may not be Christian, but I do consider myself a very spiritual person, and so there is a bit of writing that has always been a comfort to me. I would like it to be something that may help her as well.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
written by Mary Stevenson
10/10/06
WRT 150
I should have beaten her up. I should have knocked some sense into her. The pain can’t be so great that she wouldn’t notice my anger, my outrage at what she tried to do. The selfish focus of her actions can’t have been enough to block her from seeing how much she hurt me.
To not see the sunshine on the leaves, and the water, is something I can’t imagine. To have nothing to wake up to, or to go to sleep thinking about…Never feeling love again, or any smaller pain, or happiness, or anger even, those I can not imagine leaving behind. Sunshine on the water, through the trees, peeking through the clouds, turning meadows golden, making frost and snow sparkle, these things I would trade for nothing
Perhaps it is because our perspectives were so different all along. She was always the younger one. She still is, even though she is taller than me. It is something in her brain that may never make her feel like my exact equal, no matter how much respect I may give her, no matter how much I treat her like my friend. She believes that she is not as strong as me. I can’t convince her of seeing otherwise, she absolutely insists that is the way she is and can’t change.
I would say perhaps again, but this I know to be a fact; she never made the same connection with nature. I was the older one; I had a much stronger bond with dad. She was the younger one, and a mama’s girl. Always. Dad was very science and nature oriented, mom was more religious and not very adept when it came to venturing out-of-doors anyway.
A brief thought…If she was so religious, why didn’t she turn to the Lord for solace in such a time of suffering and need?! Isn’t that what religion is for, or why people sigh up with one? Well, it is my opinion anyway; that it serves as a comfort, like a security blanket or pacifier to a small child, religion gives the believer something to hold on to when in troubled waters. I know my opinion may not be the most positive one. Granted, religions bring communities together and makes people feel like part of something greater, like they have a purpose in the world. But it also throws masses against each other, rips families apart. Her faith did nothing for her. I am absolutely certain that she never thought of God during all of this, never thought that killing yourself is a mortal sin (or something like that), and never considering that it might be “part of the Lord’s plan” or “a way He was working to make her stronger.” I came to think of this as her Trial by Fire, a period where she felt intense pain and grief and the test was something that would awaken her. It would give her a greater appreciation of what she had not even thought of when trying to leave her pain behind. At the same time it would harden her somewhat and make her more immune to such things later in her life.
She cannot be truly religious, any more than she realizes how selfish she was actually being, how much her actions were influenced by stereotypes and faerie tales. The idea that she could get away from the pain was all that consumed her, and she didn’t even think that it might have brought others just as much pain. Her mother, her father, myself; we all suffered while she was in the hospital, and the second time she went back, after the second attempt, it was breaking our hearts. I couldn’t abandon her, couldn’t turn my back in revulsion thinking she could even consider doing that, and I certainly couldn’t knock her around at this point. Whenever I was near her I merely wanted to protect, to comfort, and to be there for her.
Honestly, I couldn’t have said to her, “the Lord is giving you a way to see your own strength by having you go through this” “The lord will carry you and see you through the pain,” “Tell your troubles to the Lord and trust in Him to guide you.” I could not say it was all part of His Plan, or anything like that. She would know I didn’t believe it, and so it would only cheapen my words. I could not tell her something I consider an un-truth, but I would tell her anything to help her get through this in one piece.
I may not be Christian, but I do consider myself a very spiritual person, and so there is a bit of writing that has always been a comfort to me. I would like it to be something that may help her as well.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
written by Mary Stevenson