the truth
ill understand if some of u skip this, but i need advice. how do i get through this...
i found out last night that my step-mom and brothers are coming to visit me on x-mas. w/o my father. its nice that i dont have to put on a fake smile for him, but since i got the call, i cant stop thinking about it all.
i hate him so much! hes such a bastard. not only is he a terrible father, but hes a lousy husband and a poor excuse for a human being. i admit, w/o him, i wouldnt be here, but thats all i want to do w/ him. to acknowledge that he was half of what made me. when i tell ppl about it, some think that my mom pitted me against him. thats not what happened. she had her reasons and i had mine. when i was little, i rememberin bein spanked w/ a belt. even had my pants pulled down when he did it. how can that be right?!?! and the yelling, and the cussing! i just pushed my hands over my ears and imagined myself away. "i wanna be home, i wanna be home..." but the trip home never came fast enough. and when matthew was around 3, father was yellin about somethin, so denise took me and matthew into the computer room and locked the door. father couldnt find the key so he was poundin on the door, til he finally punched a hole almost directly through it....i found the door in my bedroom last time i was there. it had been exchanged w/ one of my closet doors. and when i was...12, or 13, he started yellin at denise over somethin stupid, assuming she was makin plans when we were supposed to go to a family reunion. i tried to get out of the house, take a walk, and he grabbed my arm and told me to go pack for the trip. ive hated him since he laid his hand on me. i locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out, hes a maniac when he drives, but worse when hes angry and driving! my salvation was my grandpa, denises dad, coming through the door as father finally unlocked the bathroom door. i had never seen grandpa so mad.
when i was younger, b4 my brothers were born, we would take trips every summer up to west virginia, to visit fathers parents. they lived up in the mountains and i tried to be asleep when we went around the curves. once, we pulled off the side of the road, they thought i was asleep. i heard them yellin, then i chanced to open my eyes a bit, i saw father w/ him hands around denises neck....
if none of that is enough against him, i never learned y mom left til about 3 years ago. he would always accuse her of leavin in the middle of the night to cheat on him. it was cause when i cried, she would have to get up, cause he never would, and she would come in to sleep again and have to lay on his side cause he took hers. about 2 months b4 we left, she woke up in the middle of the night, but didnt open her eyes except a slit to barely see. he had his first and middle fingers in the shape of a gun pointin to her forhead, and said, "im going to end this" then pulled the trigger....
and for his wickedness, i havent seen any of my family down there in 2 years. i miss them all so much. i talk to my grandma, his mom, through email, but i miss her so much. and i found out my grandpa has cancer, i couldnt even see him...it was terrible. i wanted little brothers so much when i was younger, but now, ive missed out on them growing up. what if they hate me for staying away? what if they grow up to hate me...because i got away, and they couldnt? denises parents sent me a b-day card this summer. it said "y dont u come to see us anymore, is it somethin we said? we're sorry if it is" i cried myself to sleep.
now i get to face denise in less than a week. ive always loved her as a good friend. and i just pray that she wont ask questions. especially w/ the boys there. or try to pressure me into visiting soon. because im goin to wait till i have a car and time off in the summer b4 i make that trip. ill be able to leave at my will and stay in a hotel if i must. or just come home.
but i cant wait to see matthew and mason. i love them so much. to think of what they have to put up w/ none-stop. and they get even worse from my father than i did, because they're boys. and he probably sees them as capable of taking much more than i could. i just pray they turn out ok...
ill stop whining i guess, i just had to get this all off my chest. if any of u have advice, please comment. i dont know how well im gonna get through this visit.
GOOD CHARLOTTE LYRICS
"Emotionless"
Hey dad
I'm writing to you
to tell you, that I still hate you
to ask you
how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell apart
are you happy out there in this great wide world?
do you think about your sons?
do you miss your little girl?
when you lay your head down
how do you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if [i'm] all right?
but [i'm] all right
[i'm] all right
[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that [I] cried
you broke [my] heart
you broke your [child] for life
it's not ok,
but [i'm] all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
the days I spent so cold, so [lonely]
were full of hate
I was so angry
the scars run deep inside this [crystal] body
there's things I'll take, to my grave
but I'm okay
I'm okay
[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that [I] cried
you broke [my] heart
you broke your [child] for life
it's not ok,
but [I'm] all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
yeah, I'm still alive
sometimes
I forgive
yeah [but] this time
I'll admit
that I [hate] you, said I [HATE] you
[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that [I] cried
you broke [my] heart
you broke your [child] for life
it's not ok,
but [I'm] all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
and sometimes
I forgive
[but] this time
I'll admit, that I [hate] you, I [HATE] you
hey dad
thanx for listenin...
@-,`---
i found out last night that my step-mom and brothers are coming to visit me on x-mas. w/o my father. its nice that i dont have to put on a fake smile for him, but since i got the call, i cant stop thinking about it all.
i hate him so much! hes such a bastard. not only is he a terrible father, but hes a lousy husband and a poor excuse for a human being. i admit, w/o him, i wouldnt be here, but thats all i want to do w/ him. to acknowledge that he was half of what made me. when i tell ppl about it, some think that my mom pitted me against him. thats not what happened. she had her reasons and i had mine. when i was little, i rememberin bein spanked w/ a belt. even had my pants pulled down when he did it. how can that be right?!?! and the yelling, and the cussing! i just pushed my hands over my ears and imagined myself away. "i wanna be home, i wanna be home..." but the trip home never came fast enough. and when matthew was around 3, father was yellin about somethin, so denise took me and matthew into the computer room and locked the door. father couldnt find the key so he was poundin on the door, til he finally punched a hole almost directly through it....i found the door in my bedroom last time i was there. it had been exchanged w/ one of my closet doors. and when i was...12, or 13, he started yellin at denise over somethin stupid, assuming she was makin plans when we were supposed to go to a family reunion. i tried to get out of the house, take a walk, and he grabbed my arm and told me to go pack for the trip. ive hated him since he laid his hand on me. i locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out, hes a maniac when he drives, but worse when hes angry and driving! my salvation was my grandpa, denises dad, coming through the door as father finally unlocked the bathroom door. i had never seen grandpa so mad.
when i was younger, b4 my brothers were born, we would take trips every summer up to west virginia, to visit fathers parents. they lived up in the mountains and i tried to be asleep when we went around the curves. once, we pulled off the side of the road, they thought i was asleep. i heard them yellin, then i chanced to open my eyes a bit, i saw father w/ him hands around denises neck....
if none of that is enough against him, i never learned y mom left til about 3 years ago. he would always accuse her of leavin in the middle of the night to cheat on him. it was cause when i cried, she would have to get up, cause he never would, and she would come in to sleep again and have to lay on his side cause he took hers. about 2 months b4 we left, she woke up in the middle of the night, but didnt open her eyes except a slit to barely see. he had his first and middle fingers in the shape of a gun pointin to her forhead, and said, "im going to end this" then pulled the trigger....
and for his wickedness, i havent seen any of my family down there in 2 years. i miss them all so much. i talk to my grandma, his mom, through email, but i miss her so much. and i found out my grandpa has cancer, i couldnt even see him...it was terrible. i wanted little brothers so much when i was younger, but now, ive missed out on them growing up. what if they hate me for staying away? what if they grow up to hate me...because i got away, and they couldnt? denises parents sent me a b-day card this summer. it said "y dont u come to see us anymore, is it somethin we said? we're sorry if it is" i cried myself to sleep.
now i get to face denise in less than a week. ive always loved her as a good friend. and i just pray that she wont ask questions. especially w/ the boys there. or try to pressure me into visiting soon. because im goin to wait till i have a car and time off in the summer b4 i make that trip. ill be able to leave at my will and stay in a hotel if i must. or just come home.
but i cant wait to see matthew and mason. i love them so much. to think of what they have to put up w/ none-stop. and they get even worse from my father than i did, because they're boys. and he probably sees them as capable of taking much more than i could. i just pray they turn out ok...
ill stop whining i guess, i just had to get this all off my chest. if any of u have advice, please comment. i dont know how well im gonna get through this visit.
GOOD CHARLOTTE LYRICS
"Emotionless"
Hey dad
I'm writing to you
to tell you, that I still hate you
to ask you
how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell apart
are you happy out there in this great wide world?
do you think about your sons?
do you miss your little girl?
when you lay your head down
how do you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if [i'm] all right?
but [i'm] all right
[i'm] all right
[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that [I] cried
you broke [my] heart
you broke your [child] for life
it's not ok,
but [i'm] all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
the days I spent so cold, so [lonely]
were full of hate
I was so angry
the scars run deep inside this [crystal] body
there's things I'll take, to my grave
but I'm okay
I'm okay
[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that [I] cried
you broke [my] heart
you broke your [child] for life
it's not ok,
but [I'm] all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
yeah, I'm still alive
sometimes
I forgive
yeah [but] this time
I'll admit
that I [hate] you, said I [HATE] you
[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that [I] cried
you broke [my] heart
you broke your [child] for life
it's not ok,
but [I'm] all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
and sometimes
I forgive
[but] this time
I'll admit, that I [hate] you, I [HATE] you
hey dad
thanx for listenin...
@-,`---