Lost At Sea
Time I did something.
K is right. I'm not going to beat this by limiting the time I have. I HAVE to prohibit myself from this thing. Have to just... stop myself for good, for as long as possible. It's gotten to the point where I am constantly, constantly, constantly searching for more distractions, needing to keep myself in the zone for as long as possible. What the hell am I hiding from? How can I keep doing this to myself, time and time again?
It's horrifying. All the plans I concot, all the aspirations I make, all the interactions I have with other people... it all gets obliterated when I come home. I barely manage to make myself food because I'm hungry, and I still need to go shopping for more. Still getting by with just the bare minimum. Not doing enough.
And why can't I just say, "stop"?
...Because my brain won't wake up.
Alarm clock needs to be mandatory now. Have to take it with me, measure my time, make sure every moment counts. Can't stay on for too long or I'm lost forever, and I can't, I can't let myself do this anymore. This is a serious addiction and I am going to fail my classes if I keep going like this. Hell, I'm amazed it hasn't hindered The Laramie Project.
I missed class yesterday. Should apologize to the teacher for that.
Half an hour. That's all I'm giving myself tomorrow. Nothing more.
Two weeks and six days to start and finish an essay, now... may not be enough time.
Dear god, why does this have to be so hard?
(This entry was originally posted here, from my Dreamwidth account. LJ-cut to spare my f-list; feel free to comment there with your LJ account via OpenID!)
K is right. I'm not going to beat this by limiting the time I have. I HAVE to prohibit myself from this thing. Have to just... stop myself for good, for as long as possible. It's gotten to the point where I am constantly, constantly, constantly searching for more distractions, needing to keep myself in the zone for as long as possible. What the hell am I hiding from? How can I keep doing this to myself, time and time again?
It's horrifying. All the plans I concot, all the aspirations I make, all the interactions I have with other people... it all gets obliterated when I come home. I barely manage to make myself food because I'm hungry, and I still need to go shopping for more. Still getting by with just the bare minimum. Not doing enough.
And why can't I just say, "stop"?
...Because my brain won't wake up.
Alarm clock needs to be mandatory now. Have to take it with me, measure my time, make sure every moment counts. Can't stay on for too long or I'm lost forever, and I can't, I can't let myself do this anymore. This is a serious addiction and I am going to fail my classes if I keep going like this. Hell, I'm amazed it hasn't hindered The Laramie Project.
I missed class yesterday. Should apologize to the teacher for that.
Half an hour. That's all I'm giving myself tomorrow. Nothing more.
Two weeks and six days to start and finish an essay, now... may not be enough time.
Dear god, why does this have to be so hard?
(This entry was originally posted here, from my Dreamwidth account. LJ-cut to spare my f-list; feel free to comment there with your LJ account via OpenID!)