(no subject)
I haven't updated in a while cause I haven't had internet. Even now that I have my internet I am hesitant to update cause I don't want to bitch and moan. At the same token it would be so not like me to lie about how I am, hide it yes but I am not going to be untrue about it. The truth is that I am sick of being down and I am sick of thinking and wondering what I could have done different to make things better for myself.
I don't think I am a bad girlfriend and yet all the evidence from Ali says otherwise. IT was the same with Reza. I don't want to make excuses but I honestly want to believe that I am a good girlfriend and that I am loveable. I feel as though I was used and abused by those two. I think it is that they wanted to conquer me and I was looking for somehting serious in them.
I gave those two guys and others in the past who have hurt me to much credit of what kind of person they are. And right now I don't, no I can't love for a while. I am going to be very strong about dating. It is going to be a rare and sacred experience because I am too fragile and serious to fuck around. Some may think the answer is just the opposite- that I should date like crazy. Why? why should I do that when I know what I want, I remember what it feels like to be with someone, to be with the right person. Kris reminded me of that. Ali- he brought out the worst in me, he made me feel ugly, he made me feel like a bad girlfriend and friend, he made me moody and rollecoaster if emotions, and he made me feel like shit as if I didn't deserve to be loved. It was so different with Kris and it is too bad that the situation is fucked up with him because I love him and he loves me and our connection is so deep.
on a higher note: my uncle who we haven't talked to in a while is back in my life. I love him so much and I missed him dearly. This is so big in our culture to have a fued resolve. I am so glad that him and mom are working it out. He is the only family we have in America and family is SO important to me. I missed him so much and even as I type this I am crying. I love him and I so excited to have him and my little cousin in my life. I can't wait to have someone else close that I trust and love on my side.. Oh I could go on and on about this but one thing is I hate to mention is that I still can't stand his wife. She is jealou, non trustworthy, and simply a bitch- such is family
I don't think I am a bad girlfriend and yet all the evidence from Ali says otherwise. IT was the same with Reza. I don't want to make excuses but I honestly want to believe that I am a good girlfriend and that I am loveable. I feel as though I was used and abused by those two. I think it is that they wanted to conquer me and I was looking for somehting serious in them.
I gave those two guys and others in the past who have hurt me to much credit of what kind of person they are. And right now I don't, no I can't love for a while. I am going to be very strong about dating. It is going to be a rare and sacred experience because I am too fragile and serious to fuck around. Some may think the answer is just the opposite- that I should date like crazy. Why? why should I do that when I know what I want, I remember what it feels like to be with someone, to be with the right person. Kris reminded me of that. Ali- he brought out the worst in me, he made me feel ugly, he made me feel like a bad girlfriend and friend, he made me moody and rollecoaster if emotions, and he made me feel like shit as if I didn't deserve to be loved. It was so different with Kris and it is too bad that the situation is fucked up with him because I love him and he loves me and our connection is so deep.
on a higher note: my uncle who we haven't talked to in a while is back in my life. I love him so much and I missed him dearly. This is so big in our culture to have a fued resolve. I am so glad that him and mom are working it out. He is the only family we have in America and family is SO important to me. I missed him so much and even as I type this I am crying. I love him and I so excited to have him and my little cousin in my life. I can't wait to have someone else close that I trust and love on my side.. Oh I could go on and on about this but one thing is I hate to mention is that I still can't stand his wife. She is jealou, non trustworthy, and simply a bitch- such is family