well then
Eventually you get good enough at lying this sort of numbness comes over you. Being fake no longer becomes something you have to try to do. Its just what goes down. Recently I've been trying to assimilate myself as a more normal human being. But it's hard. Repressing the fact you're not only bisexual, but transsexual for the majority of your life takes its toll on you.
Theres no worse feeling then that of thinking of people you could have trusted with your life with not accepting you for who you are...Although I have not experienced this yet from any of my friends, I have felt and experienced this within my own family. It has already come in the form of my sister. First let me state something: sometimes you skew things in a way to make them seem worse than they are, but I can't honestly bring to words the amount of mental abuse I face from my sister on pretty much the daily. Like it's almost nauseating. I accidentally came out to her mid argument awhile back and it's been bullshit since. Example of this stupid shit I have to hear: Me: "alright, I'll be over in '20." She walks into the room: "alright, i'll be over in 20 to suck some cock." I try not to get arise from it because I know that's what she wants...And I'm not the type to be aggressive; therefore, I'd be the one to give up the argument first, giving her that sick satisfaction one must get from bringing someone down. That's what brings me to this one way street of depression I'm currently hanging out on. But I suppose it's all good. This one way street always leads to a better road, I'm fully aware of that. My life is too interwoven into my community for me to give up the good fight now.
At the same time however I am completely grateful to my network of friends. Especially the people you wouldn't have ever thought of not only being very accepting, but having positive reinforcement. I have to give a shout out to Phil though. For he is the one to never question any of it (for better or worse). I could spend an entire lifetime expressing my adoration, love, and respect for this man. All of his energy runs through me like this bassline runs through my ears. But unlike this song, which has its time and place, this bassline burns, and has burned deep from the beginning of consciousness itself, to the place of where it will forever rest. It is unconditional. It is eternal.
Theres still so much more to express, explain...For now this is all my emotional energy can take.
Theres no worse feeling then that of thinking of people you could have trusted with your life with not accepting you for who you are...Although I have not experienced this yet from any of my friends, I have felt and experienced this within my own family. It has already come in the form of my sister. First let me state something: sometimes you skew things in a way to make them seem worse than they are, but I can't honestly bring to words the amount of mental abuse I face from my sister on pretty much the daily. Like it's almost nauseating. I accidentally came out to her mid argument awhile back and it's been bullshit since. Example of this stupid shit I have to hear: Me: "alright, I'll be over in '20." She walks into the room: "alright, i'll be over in 20 to suck some cock." I try not to get arise from it because I know that's what she wants...And I'm not the type to be aggressive; therefore, I'd be the one to give up the argument first, giving her that sick satisfaction one must get from bringing someone down. That's what brings me to this one way street of depression I'm currently hanging out on. But I suppose it's all good. This one way street always leads to a better road, I'm fully aware of that. My life is too interwoven into my community for me to give up the good fight now.
At the same time however I am completely grateful to my network of friends. Especially the people you wouldn't have ever thought of not only being very accepting, but having positive reinforcement. I have to give a shout out to Phil though. For he is the one to never question any of it (for better or worse). I could spend an entire lifetime expressing my adoration, love, and respect for this man. All of his energy runs through me like this bassline runs through my ears. But unlike this song, which has its time and place, this bassline burns, and has burned deep from the beginning of consciousness itself, to the place of where it will forever rest. It is unconditional. It is eternal.
Theres still so much more to express, explain...For now this is all my emotional energy can take.