(no subject)
Looking at this, my last entry was in February or something......
and life is much the same, worse really.
the one upside is bryan and i are still together and he is a really good boyfriend. our one-year anniversary is coming up on the 11th and I'm so glad to have him.
unfortunately right now, he is out of work on medical leave due to a string of migraines (or more like one never ending migraine that fluctuates in severity) for going on like 3 weeks now. we spent one whole weekend in and out of emerg where they pumped him full of all kinds of drugs to make it stop, only to have it come back, and did a ton of tests (ecg, ct scan, blood work, lumbar (or spinal) tap...and nothing so far that they can figure out. he is out until at least aug31st but we know it will be longer as we are still waiting to even hear from the specialist about an appointment. he's probably not even going back to his job at all, we are hoping that he will get enough e.i. to take care of himself health wise, and then apply at costco and hope for the best. it's much closer to home and pays more, and isn't so hot like the kitchen he was working in.
i'm still sick. I did have my gallbladder out, that went smoothly except for a reaction to dillaudid at the hospital that left my face puffy like one of those wrinkly-faced dogs, but i healed quite well. i do feel some better, but there are still some things going on that are yet to be figured out (i.e. i currenlty still have 3-4 specialists to see, and some not so fun tests to endure).
mentally and emotionally i am a wreck most of the time. we have been through one hell of a year of illnesses, time off work and missed pay and financial struggle. most people don't realize how badly we're doing i guess, but i've never been so behind with money in my life. we barely make it pay check to pay check, often having to borrow money in between anyway. mom and dad have been saints through this lately and have been helping in a major way for which i am eternally grateful. but it's still not coming together. i feel like it won't ever come together. between mom and bryan, they are the only two people that can really seem to keep me sane lately. my anxiety disorder is at an all-time high and my head races all the time. i've progressed from anxiety only, to now feeling a sense of dread and depression most days. i cry all the time. mom says it will get better, but i don't know.
my job is still a toxic environment and i can't stand the way they do things. most days i go to work and struggle to make it through the day without going to be by myself, and sometimes to cry. i feel so stuck and trapped because my finances are at a place where i can't just go to another job and take a pay cut. not that i really make a whole lot of money, but i definitely can't go any lower, and this city only seems to have things available that pay 10-12 an hour, and i can't do it. i also can't lose my medical benefits because i can't afford my prescriptions without it.
summer seems to have passed me by so far. normally i'm out doing things, enjoying the weather, but this year i haven't had time or money really. a few bbqs at a friend's here and there, but nothing big. and i desperately need a vacation...desperately.
i'm hanging on. i'm waiting it out. i'm hoping, but not optimistic.
and life is much the same, worse really.
the one upside is bryan and i are still together and he is a really good boyfriend. our one-year anniversary is coming up on the 11th and I'm so glad to have him.
unfortunately right now, he is out of work on medical leave due to a string of migraines (or more like one never ending migraine that fluctuates in severity) for going on like 3 weeks now. we spent one whole weekend in and out of emerg where they pumped him full of all kinds of drugs to make it stop, only to have it come back, and did a ton of tests (ecg, ct scan, blood work, lumbar (or spinal) tap...and nothing so far that they can figure out. he is out until at least aug31st but we know it will be longer as we are still waiting to even hear from the specialist about an appointment. he's probably not even going back to his job at all, we are hoping that he will get enough e.i. to take care of himself health wise, and then apply at costco and hope for the best. it's much closer to home and pays more, and isn't so hot like the kitchen he was working in.
i'm still sick. I did have my gallbladder out, that went smoothly except for a reaction to dillaudid at the hospital that left my face puffy like one of those wrinkly-faced dogs, but i healed quite well. i do feel some better, but there are still some things going on that are yet to be figured out (i.e. i currenlty still have 3-4 specialists to see, and some not so fun tests to endure).
mentally and emotionally i am a wreck most of the time. we have been through one hell of a year of illnesses, time off work and missed pay and financial struggle. most people don't realize how badly we're doing i guess, but i've never been so behind with money in my life. we barely make it pay check to pay check, often having to borrow money in between anyway. mom and dad have been saints through this lately and have been helping in a major way for which i am eternally grateful. but it's still not coming together. i feel like it won't ever come together. between mom and bryan, they are the only two people that can really seem to keep me sane lately. my anxiety disorder is at an all-time high and my head races all the time. i've progressed from anxiety only, to now feeling a sense of dread and depression most days. i cry all the time. mom says it will get better, but i don't know.
my job is still a toxic environment and i can't stand the way they do things. most days i go to work and struggle to make it through the day without going to be by myself, and sometimes to cry. i feel so stuck and trapped because my finances are at a place where i can't just go to another job and take a pay cut. not that i really make a whole lot of money, but i definitely can't go any lower, and this city only seems to have things available that pay 10-12 an hour, and i can't do it. i also can't lose my medical benefits because i can't afford my prescriptions without it.
summer seems to have passed me by so far. normally i'm out doing things, enjoying the weather, but this year i haven't had time or money really. a few bbqs at a friend's here and there, but nothing big. and i desperately need a vacation...desperately.
i'm hanging on. i'm waiting it out. i'm hoping, but not optimistic.