Wonder Of My World (8/?)
Title: Wonder Of My World (8/?)
Authors: cammissbloom & woodsbaile_02
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 4.812
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.
Chapter 1 - Tell You A Tale | Chapter 2 - On The Road | Chapter 3 - Kinda Crazy These Days | Chapter 4 - I Could Never Say… | Chapter 5 - Losing My Mind | Chapter 6 - What You’re Running From | Chapter 7 - Moving Along
banner made by the lovely titheniel
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Notes: As woodsbaile_02 said, the next chapter will be actually the next three ones, so stay tuned! And once again, sorry for the delay =/
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Wonder Of My World
Chapter 8 - Between A Lover And A Friend
"I’m getting high in Ojai again, caught between a lover and a friend. There’s a red light in the church house, a full moon overhead."
("Chloe Bowed Her Head" - Steve Carlson)
----
Steve doesn’t walk up to the table. He descends on it.
“Come with me,” he says icily to Jared, completely ignoring the girl against whom he really has nothing, but who just happens to find herself in the way, and dammit, Steve isn’t sorry about his occasional lack of manners: God knows it’s proven itself useful more than once . “Now.”
Jared can’t do anything but comply. He follows Steve to a quiet area of the backstage, and he’s just about to open his mouth when Steve precedes him.
“Shut up, not a fucking word,” he hisses, and it’s all the most scary because he’s not yelling. Steve never yells, especially when he’s thoroughly pissed. It’s the first thing Jensen has told Jared about the man.
Now Steve grabs his arm and drags him all the way across the backstage until they have a good visual of a private corner that Jared hasn’t noticed before, making sure they’re in a spot that allows them to stay hidden and watch at the same time.
“Look,” Steve says, pointing sharply at Chris and Jensen, whose broken ‘let me go’s wouldn’t fool a complete stranger, let alone his friends. Let alone Chris, whose hold doesn’t falter, and Steve is grateful that Kane is so damn smart after all.
“Look at him. Listen to him.” His eyes bore unmercifully into Jared. “That’s you, right there, in his voice. Happy?”
Jared can’t keep on watching. He can’t bear to hear those words. He can’t believe the mess he’s making of things, the hurt that Jensen is feeling because of him.
“God, what have I done?”
He returns Steve’s unapologetically mean stare, and his knees become weak, forcing him to crouch low until he’s sitting on the floor with his face in his hands and his thumbs in his ears, trying to cover up Jensen’s broken voice.
He can’t think straight, he can’t breathe properly. And yet he fights the sudden urge to cry, struggling to hold himself together.
“What have I done?” he murmurs quietly, over and over again.
“Oh no, you don’t.”
Steve crouches down in front of him and takes his wrists, forcefully pulling his hands away from his face.
“Him singing on stage? That was you, too,” he says. “And him smiling like a kid on Christmas morning the other day? You again. I’m guessing you’re not only bad news here, Jared. But you better make up your mind,” he stares hard into the younger man’s eyes, “and make it up quickly. Because I’m telling you, Jensen is good at shutting people out if he really needs to, even if it hurts him. Don’t you go thinking you’ll make an exception.”
Jared takes a deep breath and looks away, letting the words sink in. He has to make a choice, and it has to be fast. He knew that already. He just hadn’t realized how fast.
“I gotta do something,” he mutters, almost to himself. He looks back up at Steve and says again in a stronger voice, “I gotta do something.”
He drags himself up and takes a step towards where Jensen and Chris are standing, but once again Steve is there, grabbing his arm to stop him.
“Leave them,” he says, sternly but not unkindly. “Let Chris handle him.”
“Look, man, I know you’re trying to help and all, but I have to talk to him,” Jared says urgently, trying to get out of Steve’s grasp. He sighs when Steve doesn’t make a move to release him. “I was the one that screwed everything up: I should also be the one trying to make things right again.” He finally manages to yank himself free, Steve’s unwavering hold finally loosening up after his last words.
His steps are quick and determined as he moves towards Jensen and Chris, and he can only hope they both will allow him to try and set things straight.
+++
Jensen freezes in Chris’ arms when he spots Jared approaching over his friend’s shoulder. He’s not ready for this. Whatever it is, he doesn’t want to hear it. Not now. His first instinct is that of burying his face back into Chris’ shoulder and forget that Jared’s there, but the flashing of an image in his mind showing him just how pathetic that would look holds him back.
Jared knows what’s coming from him. Chris will probably bitch and yell at him (although frankly, after catching a glimpse of Steve’s wrath, that doesn’t scare him that much), and Jensen might never forgive him, but he knows he has to do this anyway. For Jensen. To try and make things right again between them.
He takes another step forward.
“Jensen?” he calls quietly.
Jensen swallows once, puts himself back together in record time and pulls away from Chris, turning back to his guitar and retrieving it from where Chris has leant it carefully against the wall.
“Thing isn’t tuned, yet,” he says, voice as flat and devoid of emotion as he can manage. “Fenders are great, but they’re a bitch to tune.”
He’s rambling, he knows he is. Not to mention that Fenders are awesome under every aspect, and they are probably the smoothest guitars to tune ever. One touch, and they’re ready.
But Jared doesn’t know this, so maybe, just maybe, he can get away with it.
Chris’ look sharpens as it sets upon Jared, and he closes the distance between them to fist his hand around the front of his t-shirt, all but dragging him away from Jensen.
“You fuck this up again you’re gonna have to answer to me,” he hisses between clenched teeth. “And I’m not joking, Jared.”
Jared finds himself speechless for a moment, but he soon composes himself.
“I’m here to try and make things right again,” he murmurs, pulling Chris’ hand away from his t-shirt. “If you’ll allow me,” he adds, taking one step back to show Chris that the decision is up to him: he can either punch him, yell at him, or, what Jared hopes, leave him alone with Jensen.
Chris narrows his eyes, jabs a finger into Jared’s chest and growls, “I’m warning you, man.”
Then he takes a quick look at Jensen and wanders back towards the stage, hoping to find Steve there.
Jared walks up slowly to where Jensen is sitting with the guitar on his lap and sits down beside him.
“Jensen?” he tries again.
Jensen decides to play it cool.
“Yeah?” he says, turning a key and testing the string.
“I’m sorry,” is the only thing that Jared says. He knows he’s sounding broken and lost, but he doesn’t care, as that’s exactly how he feels. “Fuck, man, I’m so sorry.”
Jensen’s fingers trip over the strings, producing a screeching sound that has nothing to do with those that he usually elicits from a guitar. He looks up at Jared, sees the pain in his eyes, and lets the distant coldness slide off his face. He reaches out and brushes his fingertips over Jared’s cheek, giving him a sincere smile.
“Not your fault, Jay.”
Jared allows himself to relish into the small touch for a moment.
“Why are you doing this?” he asks quietly. “You shouldn’t be caressing me. I fucked up,” he says, sorrow etched in his tone.
Jensen’s fingers slide up into his hair, and he tugs him closer, planting a brief, soft kiss over his lips.
“Did you know Sandy was coming?”
“No,” Jared replies quickly. “I didn’t. Things were fine… I mean, I was happy to be with you… and then she showed up out of the blue and me and you didn’t get the chance to talk after that and I was worried sick because I didn’t know how you were feeling and I wanted to know, and…” He takes a deep breath, fully aware that he’s babbling at breakneck speed. But still, he needs to let it all out. He cups Jensen’s cheek gently with his hand and just stares at him for a while. “How are you?” he whispers finally.
Jensen’s smile widens a little.
“I’m okay.”
It’s a lie, he knows it is, but he can’t bear seeing Jared like that, especially when it’s not his fault.
“I’m all right, Jay. And I know you had no idea, so it wasn’t your fault. Okay?” he presses.
Jared cups his nape and brings their foreheads together, breathing deeply.
“I’m so sorry, Jen,” he murmurs. “So so sorry…” he says again, pressing feather-like kisses all over Jensen’s mouth and face.
Jensen puts the guitar aside carefully with one hand and then places a finger over Jared’s lips.
“Shh. Enough apologies,” he whispers before leaning in and kissing him again, threading his fingers through his hair.
+++
“Do you suppose they’ll end up having sex in my backstage?” Steve asks laconically as him and Chris watch in, unseen (God bless curtains and backstage chaos).
Chris throws Steve a sideways glance.
“Hell, I don’t know. Better that than punching each other though, right?” He lets out a small sigh at seeing Jensen and Jared being even closer than before.
“Mh,” Steve grunts, keeping on watching the couple with a frown on his face, apparently not sharing Chris’ relief.
“What?” Chris says, turning to stare at Steve’s scowling features.
“They’re not solving anything,” Steve says harshly. “You know just as well as I do that until Jared makes up his mind, this mess isn’t finished. And you know just as well as I do that the boy still loves his girl.”
Chris exhales slowly and scowls at his friend.
“I hate it when you’re right,” he says, looking back at Jared and Jensen and running a hand over his face, concern coloring his features once again. “What the fuck should we do now?” he asks, completely at a loss.
Steve shrugs.
“I wish I could threaten Jared, but… this is hell for him, too. We can’t do a damn thing.”
“Well, I kinda beat you to the threatening Jared part a few minutes ago, so…” Chris grins humorlessly. He’s about to say something else when he suddenly spots a small figure approaching Jared and Jensen with purposeful strides. “Fuck!” he cries, eyes going wide as saucers.
+++
Sandy freezes somewhere between an amplifier and a set of drums, dark, stunned eyes fixed upon her boyfriend, who currently has his lips firmly planted over those of his best friend and his tongue probably shoved down said best friend’s throat.
“J-Jared?!” she manages to stutter.
Jared is out of Jensen’s personal space as soon as he hears his name being called.
”FUCK!” his mind screams, but he’s too shocked to say anything out loud. Then again, he isn’t really sure there even is something to say.
Jensen feels his heart drop at the look on Sandy’s face, and all the not-feeling-guilty crap suddenly crumbles. When Sandy turns on her heels and storms away after staring at the both of them in shock for a while, Jensen stands up dazedly.
“Go, Jay,” he says.
Jared takes one last lingering look at Jensen before running out himself.
He finds Sandy dashing out of the bar, her hands clutching her purse tightly, knuckles almost white.
“Sandy, please stop!” he calls urgently, but no avail. “Sandy, please!”
She spins on her heels and comes to such a sudden stop that Jared almost runs into her.
“What, Jared?!” she hisses furiously. “Fuck, I can’t believe you were kissing Jensen! After all that shit you’d give me when I said the two of you spend too much together! You fucking hypocrite!”
“I know,” Jared says quietly, forcing himself not to lower his gaze. “I know. I’m an hypocrite, and stupid, and selfish. A major asshole. And I’m sorry that you had to see what you did.” He would’ve never thought it possible, but now he actually finds himself even more confused than ever. “Some things happened at Steve’s first show, and…” He trails off, exhaling slowly. “And I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you love him?” Sandy asks, brown eyes boring fiercely into him.
Jared closes his eyes briefly and takes a deep breath.
“Yeah,” he whispers. “Yeah, I do.”
She nods.
“Do you love me?” she asks then.
Jared opens his eyes again to stare at the woman in front of him. “Yeah,” he says, and that’s the truth.
“Does he know that you love me?”
“Yes.” ”Yes, and it’s hurting him too much,” he adds silently.
Anger flashes through Sandy’s eyes at that.
“He knows?! He knows that you’re still in love with me, and yet he…” She trails off, her lips pressing together in a thin line of fury. “You’re stuck, Jared,” she says coldly after a few moments in which she manages to regain her composure. “You haven’t lost me, yet, and you haven’t lost Jensen. But you need to make up your mind. And when you do, one of us is gonna leave.”
With that, she turns and walks away, back to her rented car, leaving Jared to stare after the retreating vehicle, his mind working wildly.
”What the fuck should I do?”
He runs a hand through his hair in frustration when the answer doesn’t come.
+++
Jensen unplugs the guitar and puts it back in its case carefully. He gives a pat to the shoulder of who he calls ‘Steve #2’ and laughs at the violinist’s joke as he passes him by.
He made sure to look at Jared throughout the whole second part of the show as he sang and played, because Jared… Jared looked lost, and Jensen hated to see that look on his face: he was far more used to a wide, dimples-deep smile.
Chris walks up to where Steve is currently unplugging his own guitar.
“We have to go where that man’s going,” he says in a hushed tone, nodding towards Jensen. “And we’ve only got two options: either we make him talk, or we make him talk. All right?”
Steve gives him his patented ‘cat-that-ate-the-canary’ grin, and if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re on the same side in this, Chris would be shivering.
Oblivious to the exchange, Jensen accepts a beer from David and clinks bottles with the saxophonist, watching as he heads away to chat excitedly with some of the technicians.
He sits on a forgotten chair and nurses his beer quietly. He should go to Jared, he knows he should. But not yet. He just needs a few minutes.
He watches as Chris and Steve make their way to the backstage, talking and grinning to some people as they walk by, as charming and confident as ever. He sees them make a quick stop at the bar for a beer, and then suddenly, they’re right in front of him, Steve sitting next to him on another chair and Chris settling cross-legged on the floor.
Jensen looks from one to the other, shuddering inwardly.
“Mind not making such a scary good impersonation of vultures?”
Chris smiles a little and pets his friend softly on the knee.
“Mind saying what’s on your mind?”
“No funny jokes, please,” Steve adds hastily. “Just the truth,” he finishes, giving Jensen a kind smile.
Jensen takes a good swig from his beer.
“I prefer it when you curse at me: those understanding smiles are kinda making me uncomfortable.”
Chris truly laughs this time.
“Thank Christ you said that, man,” he says, hoisting himself up on yet another chair to be eye-level with the other two. “Because I’m in serious need to be bitchy and annoying as hell about the whole thing,” he grins. “Alright, so just spill it. What the hell is going on in that pretty head of yours?”
“Oh, back off,” Jensen scoffs good-naturally, delivering a playful punch to his friend’s shoulder. “Don’t you guys have better things to do? Steve, it’s your night, dammit. Just get out there, talk with your fans, make some girls’ heads spin, get drunk… whatever.”
“Forget it, dude,” Steve says matter-of-factly. “You already ruined my night, no reason to try and make it better now.”
Despite the words, Steve is smirking, and yet Jensen can’t help but feeling a little guilty anyway. He’s pretty sure it’s all part of the plan. Bastards.
“You’re stuck with us, asshole,” Chris says, giving Jensen’s knee a strong pat. “Now c’mon, man, we don’t have all night.” He pauses, seeming to be pondering over something. “Well, actually, we do… But do you really want to listen to our bitching all night?”
Jensen doesn’t return the teasing grin Chris sends in his direction. Irritation has begun to creep up onto him, and he gives them both a warning glare.
“What part of ‘back off’ don’t you guys get?” He looks at Steve, softening up a little. “I know I ruined your show… Twice. And I’m sorry.” He stands up and lifts his guitar case off the floor. “I’m gonna get some shuteye. You two have fun.”
Chris quickly gets to his feet and grabs the other end of the guitar case, looking resolutely at Jensen.
“You stay right here, or your beauty here’s gonna get the shuteye of a lifetime.”
Jensen glares furiously.
“Are you fuckin’ threatening my guitar?!” he cries, affronted.
“Yeah, I am,” Chris declares, glaring right back. “So you gonna stay or what?”
Steve barely resists the urge to roll his eyes. If the whole situation wasn’t so tense, he would be probably laughing his ass off right now. They did look kind of ridiculous, standing there glaring at each other like that, Jensen holding on tight to the case’s handle and Chris clutching at the top of the neck.
He stands on his feet and places a restraining hand over Chris’ shoulder.
“That’s a little extreme, Christian. I can’t allow you to threaten a Fender in my backstage.”
Jensen yanks the guitar away from Chris’ grasp, puts it safely down, and stares angrily at both of his friends.
“What the fuck do you want from me?!” he snaps, feeling himself way too close to the end of the endurance for comfort.
“THE TRUTH, ASSHOLE!”
The tones are as loud as Chris has ever reached when addressing Jensen, and he has to take a few deep breaths to overcome the shock at his own flaring temper.
“Only the truth,” he mutters then, raking a hand through his hair. “Look, so fucking sorry if we both look like complete assholes being worried about you all the time, but that’s just how it fucking works, okay? So don’t you go trying to get away from us when we’re only trying to help, Jen.”
Chris’ voice grows quieter and quieter, because no matter how much he tries to hide it, this is making him tired, pissed, and more worried than ever. He just wants to know, is that too much to ask?
Steve folds his arms across his chest and looks at Jensen, echoing all of Chris’ words with his silence.
They both earn a long stare from Jensen. He knows they want to help, and despite being grateful, he can’t help but feeling angry, too, because they’re pushing, hard, and he can’t take it right now.
“You can’t help,” he finally snaps, harsher than he had intended. “You can’t help with this, okay? Just get it into your thick skulls and get over it.”
+++
Jared might not know how the whole mess is going to end or how is he going to fix it, but he’s absolutely sure that he has to talk to Jensen. Right now.
He finds him talking with Chris and Steve, all three of them looking tense and kind of miserable.
Another thing that Jared knows is when to stop pushing and let people be, so he turns away and is about to hurry off when he hears his name being called. He looks back to see Chris walking up to him.
“Can we get out of here, man?” Chris says, and his voice sounds surprisingly concerned, rather than full of the furious tones Jared had been dreading.
Jared frowns but nods, letting himself be led away and not noticing Steve looking at them.
The musician stares for a while before turning back to Jensen.
“That was low, Jensen,” he says quietly. “For Chris to just walk away like that… man…” he murmurs, more to himself than to anyone else.
Jensen bites his lip. Steve’s right: getting Chris to be seriously pissed off is a hard task; hitting him as close to home as to have him stalking away is damn near impossible.
Not to mention fazing Steve.
And yet, Jensen has managed to do it all.
”Good work, Ackles. Here’s you award for Asshole Of The Year.”
He scrubs a hand over his face and heaves a deep sigh.
“I’m sorry,” he says after a while. “I’m sorry, Steve. I know you guys don’t deserve this.”
“Damn straight, we don’t,” Steve says sternly. “All right, man, what the hell is going on? You fucked things up already, I guess you owe us as much as an explanation.”
Jensen sits back down and runs both hands through his short hair.
“When Jared followed Sandy outside…” he begins, not looking at Steve. “She… uh… she asked him whether he’s still in love with her. Jared doesn’t know that I’ve seen them or heard.”
Steve doesn’t even need to ask what Jared’s answer was, because he can see it all on Jensen’s face.
“Shit,” he says quietly. “But…” He trails off briefly, trying to find some helpful words. “She’s not here anymore, is she? Which could mean that things aren’t completely lost. Right?”
Jensen looks up at him.
“I don’t know whether she’s still in Dallas or flying out in the morning or whatever… He loves her, Steve,” he says quietly. “I’m just… fucking up his mind. He’s hurting.”
“Stop that, Jensen,” Steve says sternly. “Him being confused is not your fault. If he’s confused, it’s because he feels something, and you didn’t force him to feel that way, did you? None can do that. You can’t blame yourself this time.”
Jensen shrugs.
“I guess,” he says without much conviction. “He’s not the only confused one, anyway,” he adds quietly.
Steve arches an eyebrow in surprise.
“What are you confused about? Are you having seconds thoughts?”
“No,” Jensen says quickly. “No, I love Jared. I do. It’s just…” he hesitates. “Sandy also asked him whether I know he’s still in love with her. He said yes. And it’s true, I do know. But he’s never told me. He never touches the subject. It’s like Sandy’s some sort of solved problem already. But she’s not, and sometimes it’s like…” He trails off with a sigh. “Fuck, I don’t even know how to explain it,” he says with a small bitter chuckle.
But he apparently doesn’t need to, because Steve is already smiling at him.
“I get it, man.” He pats Jensen’s shoulder and sits down beside him. “But try to put yourself in his shoes. You have a girlfriend that you love. You’re used to her presence, you’ve been having her by your side for years. Then suddenly you find yourself in love with your male best friend. That’s a bit confusing, isn’t it?” he says gently. “Maybe he doesn’t say her name when you’re there because he doesn’t want you to think that he loves her more than he loves you… or some equally weird reason,” he finishes with a small grin. “Like not wanting to screw the moments you get to spend together… you know what I mean?”
Jensen gives him a small smile.
“Yeah, I know. And it’s not his fault, I know it isn’t.” He scrubs his hands tiredly over his face and lets out a drawn sigh. “Alright. I’m sorry I’m being such an ass, Steve. I’ll apologize to Chris in the morning and put my shit together.”
He’s tired. He’s so tired of his own whining that he’s starting to get seriously pissed off at himself.
“It’s all right,” Steve says with a smile, patting his back. “I know you’re tired now, so I’ll leave you alone. But if you need anything, you know where to find me. And Chris,” he adds pointedly.
Jensen is tempted to reply with a dismissive ‘You’ve done enough’, because really, his friends have put up with enough shit from him already, but he knows that would only piss Steve off, a thing that’s always been extremely unwise to do.
So he smiles, nods, takes his guitar and leaves before he can fuck things up any further.
+++
Jared is still frowning when Chris finally comes to a stop in one of the many rooms of the backstage. It’s silent and completely deserted, and Jared doesn’t know whether Chris has brought him here to talk or to actually kill him.
”It’d be the perfect spot: there’s none around,” he thinks in slight apprehension.
“Okay, I’m ready,” he says quietly after a moment, looking back at Chris, suddenly finding himself too tired to try and argue to defend himself.
Chris arches an eyebrow and can’t fight off an amused grin in spite of his current pissed off state.
“You think I’m gonna jump at your throat, don’t ya?”
He leans back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.
“You’re… not?” Jared hesitates incredulously, not quite sure of having heard right. “Why not?”
He kicks himself mentally as soon as he’s said it, because seriously, why would someone ask that?
Chris doesn’t seem particularly fazed by the weirdness of the question.
“Mainly because of three reasons. One, I’m not really in the mood to jump to Jensen’s defense right now. Two,” his sharp blue eyes stare hard at Jared, “you don’t look so neat yourself, so I’d figured I’d give you a break. Three, all things considered, I still kinda like you, if only for the fact that you bought that black beauty of a guitar.”
Jared stares back at him for a while.
“Oh,” is the only thing that comes out of his mouth. “Wait,” he says when all of Chris’ words finally register. “What do you mean, you’re not in the mood to jump to Jensen’s defense? Is everything all right?” he asks a little anxiously.
Chris shrugs.
“None of your business,” he says, more harshly than he had intended, and he blows out a frustrated puff of air as soon as the words are out of his mouth. “Sorry,” he apologizes curtly. “Shouldn’t take it out on ya, not your fault the man’s a selfish son of a bitch.” He pauses for a second, trying to get his temper under control, then goes back to stare intently at Jared. “You wanna tell me what’s going on in that head of yours? ‘Cause I swear, you boys are drivin’ me crazy.”
Jared runs a hand over his face.
“I’m sorry, man,” he offers, and he truly is. He never wanted for Chris and Steve to get stuck into this the way they got to be. “I’m just confused,” he says, staring at Chris with a lost look on his face.
Chris gives him another shrug and flashes him a smile at the apology.
“What are friends for?” He rakes a hand through his hair and sighs. “Did you talk with Sandy?”
The smile that had come to grace Jared’s features fades as soon as the name is uttered.
“Yeah, we talked. Well, actually, she did, I just listened. And then she got pissed, and I got…” He trails off with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what the hell I got anymore, man,” he finishes lamely, staring at Chris as if begging with him for a solution.
Chris grimaces a little at that.
“I wish I could tell you what to do, Jay,” he says sincerely. “But I can’t. You obviously love them both. It’s complicated. But I want you to know something.”
“What?” Jared asks quietly, almost fearfully.
Chris takes a few moments to choose the words carefully before he speaks again.
“Jensen’s still your best friend. And he’ll always give you that friendship, no matter who you choose, no matter how much it hurts him. So whatever your choice’s gonna be, should that friendship become too painful for you… should you not be able to see him as a friend anymore, just as a lover or a non-lover, just… tell him before it gets to that point. Let him know where your best friend stands in all this. As soon as you know yourself,” he adds with a knowing grin.
Jared smiles a little.
“I will, man. I promise you. And… um… thanks.”
Chris gives his shoulder a strong pat.
“Thank you. Feels good to know what the fuck’s going on with at least one of you two.”
TBC...
Authors: cammissbloom & woodsbaile_02
Characters/Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Steve Carlson, Christian Kane
Word Count: 4.812
Disclaimers: We don’t own these people, they own themselves. None of this ever happened and, alas, the couple is not real. None of this was meant as an offence to anyone. We’re just pretending, folks.
Notes: (1) Story and chapters titles and quotes all coming from various Steve Carlson’s songs. (2) Huge thanks to wake_up_older29 for the amazing beta.
Summary: Something’s wrong with Jensen, and he makes a point not to tell Jared what is it. But when Jared finds out anyway, his reaction surprises even Jared himself.
Chapter 1 - Tell You A Tale | Chapter 2 - On The Road | Chapter 3 - Kinda Crazy These Days | Chapter 4 - I Could Never Say… | Chapter 5 - Losing My Mind | Chapter 6 - What You’re Running From | Chapter 7 - Moving Along
banner made by the lovely titheniel
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Notes: As woodsbaile_02 said, the next chapter will be actually the next three ones, so stay tuned! And once again, sorry for the delay =/
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Wonder Of My World
Chapter 8 - Between A Lover And A Friend
"I’m getting high in Ojai again, caught between a lover and a friend. There’s a red light in the church house, a full moon overhead."
("Chloe Bowed Her Head" - Steve Carlson)
----
Steve doesn’t walk up to the table. He descends on it.
“Come with me,” he says icily to Jared, completely ignoring the girl against whom he really has nothing, but who just happens to find herself in the way, and dammit, Steve isn’t sorry about his occasional lack of manners: God knows it’s proven itself useful more than once . “Now.”
Jared can’t do anything but comply. He follows Steve to a quiet area of the backstage, and he’s just about to open his mouth when Steve precedes him.
“Shut up, not a fucking word,” he hisses, and it’s all the most scary because he’s not yelling. Steve never yells, especially when he’s thoroughly pissed. It’s the first thing Jensen has told Jared about the man.
Now Steve grabs his arm and drags him all the way across the backstage until they have a good visual of a private corner that Jared hasn’t noticed before, making sure they’re in a spot that allows them to stay hidden and watch at the same time.
“Look,” Steve says, pointing sharply at Chris and Jensen, whose broken ‘let me go’s wouldn’t fool a complete stranger, let alone his friends. Let alone Chris, whose hold doesn’t falter, and Steve is grateful that Kane is so damn smart after all.
“Look at him. Listen to him.” His eyes bore unmercifully into Jared. “That’s you, right there, in his voice. Happy?”
Jared can’t keep on watching. He can’t bear to hear those words. He can’t believe the mess he’s making of things, the hurt that Jensen is feeling because of him.
“God, what have I done?”
He returns Steve’s unapologetically mean stare, and his knees become weak, forcing him to crouch low until he’s sitting on the floor with his face in his hands and his thumbs in his ears, trying to cover up Jensen’s broken voice.
He can’t think straight, he can’t breathe properly. And yet he fights the sudden urge to cry, struggling to hold himself together.
“What have I done?” he murmurs quietly, over and over again.
“Oh no, you don’t.”
Steve crouches down in front of him and takes his wrists, forcefully pulling his hands away from his face.
“Him singing on stage? That was you, too,” he says. “And him smiling like a kid on Christmas morning the other day? You again. I’m guessing you’re not only bad news here, Jared. But you better make up your mind,” he stares hard into the younger man’s eyes, “and make it up quickly. Because I’m telling you, Jensen is good at shutting people out if he really needs to, even if it hurts him. Don’t you go thinking you’ll make an exception.”
Jared takes a deep breath and looks away, letting the words sink in. He has to make a choice, and it has to be fast. He knew that already. He just hadn’t realized how fast.
“I gotta do something,” he mutters, almost to himself. He looks back up at Steve and says again in a stronger voice, “I gotta do something.”
He drags himself up and takes a step towards where Jensen and Chris are standing, but once again Steve is there, grabbing his arm to stop him.
“Leave them,” he says, sternly but not unkindly. “Let Chris handle him.”
“Look, man, I know you’re trying to help and all, but I have to talk to him,” Jared says urgently, trying to get out of Steve’s grasp. He sighs when Steve doesn’t make a move to release him. “I was the one that screwed everything up: I should also be the one trying to make things right again.” He finally manages to yank himself free, Steve’s unwavering hold finally loosening up after his last words.
His steps are quick and determined as he moves towards Jensen and Chris, and he can only hope they both will allow him to try and set things straight.
+++
Jensen freezes in Chris’ arms when he spots Jared approaching over his friend’s shoulder. He’s not ready for this. Whatever it is, he doesn’t want to hear it. Not now. His first instinct is that of burying his face back into Chris’ shoulder and forget that Jared’s there, but the flashing of an image in his mind showing him just how pathetic that would look holds him back.
Jared knows what’s coming from him. Chris will probably bitch and yell at him (although frankly, after catching a glimpse of Steve’s wrath, that doesn’t scare him that much), and Jensen might never forgive him, but he knows he has to do this anyway. For Jensen. To try and make things right again between them.
He takes another step forward.
“Jensen?” he calls quietly.
Jensen swallows once, puts himself back together in record time and pulls away from Chris, turning back to his guitar and retrieving it from where Chris has leant it carefully against the wall.
“Thing isn’t tuned, yet,” he says, voice as flat and devoid of emotion as he can manage. “Fenders are great, but they’re a bitch to tune.”
He’s rambling, he knows he is. Not to mention that Fenders are awesome under every aspect, and they are probably the smoothest guitars to tune ever. One touch, and they’re ready.
But Jared doesn’t know this, so maybe, just maybe, he can get away with it.
Chris’ look sharpens as it sets upon Jared, and he closes the distance between them to fist his hand around the front of his t-shirt, all but dragging him away from Jensen.
“You fuck this up again you’re gonna have to answer to me,” he hisses between clenched teeth. “And I’m not joking, Jared.”
Jared finds himself speechless for a moment, but he soon composes himself.
“I’m here to try and make things right again,” he murmurs, pulling Chris’ hand away from his t-shirt. “If you’ll allow me,” he adds, taking one step back to show Chris that the decision is up to him: he can either punch him, yell at him, or, what Jared hopes, leave him alone with Jensen.
Chris narrows his eyes, jabs a finger into Jared’s chest and growls, “I’m warning you, man.”
Then he takes a quick look at Jensen and wanders back towards the stage, hoping to find Steve there.
Jared walks up slowly to where Jensen is sitting with the guitar on his lap and sits down beside him.
“Jensen?” he tries again.
Jensen decides to play it cool.
“Yeah?” he says, turning a key and testing the string.
“I’m sorry,” is the only thing that Jared says. He knows he’s sounding broken and lost, but he doesn’t care, as that’s exactly how he feels. “Fuck, man, I’m so sorry.”
Jensen’s fingers trip over the strings, producing a screeching sound that has nothing to do with those that he usually elicits from a guitar. He looks up at Jared, sees the pain in his eyes, and lets the distant coldness slide off his face. He reaches out and brushes his fingertips over Jared’s cheek, giving him a sincere smile.
“Not your fault, Jay.”
Jared allows himself to relish into the small touch for a moment.
“Why are you doing this?” he asks quietly. “You shouldn’t be caressing me. I fucked up,” he says, sorrow etched in his tone.
Jensen’s fingers slide up into his hair, and he tugs him closer, planting a brief, soft kiss over his lips.
“Did you know Sandy was coming?”
“No,” Jared replies quickly. “I didn’t. Things were fine… I mean, I was happy to be with you… and then she showed up out of the blue and me and you didn’t get the chance to talk after that and I was worried sick because I didn’t know how you were feeling and I wanted to know, and…” He takes a deep breath, fully aware that he’s babbling at breakneck speed. But still, he needs to let it all out. He cups Jensen’s cheek gently with his hand and just stares at him for a while. “How are you?” he whispers finally.
Jensen’s smile widens a little.
“I’m okay.”
It’s a lie, he knows it is, but he can’t bear seeing Jared like that, especially when it’s not his fault.
“I’m all right, Jay. And I know you had no idea, so it wasn’t your fault. Okay?” he presses.
Jared cups his nape and brings their foreheads together, breathing deeply.
“I’m so sorry, Jen,” he murmurs. “So so sorry…” he says again, pressing feather-like kisses all over Jensen’s mouth and face.
Jensen puts the guitar aside carefully with one hand and then places a finger over Jared’s lips.
“Shh. Enough apologies,” he whispers before leaning in and kissing him again, threading his fingers through his hair.
+++
“Do you suppose they’ll end up having sex in my backstage?” Steve asks laconically as him and Chris watch in, unseen (God bless curtains and backstage chaos).
Chris throws Steve a sideways glance.
“Hell, I don’t know. Better that than punching each other though, right?” He lets out a small sigh at seeing Jensen and Jared being even closer than before.
“Mh,” Steve grunts, keeping on watching the couple with a frown on his face, apparently not sharing Chris’ relief.
“What?” Chris says, turning to stare at Steve’s scowling features.
“They’re not solving anything,” Steve says harshly. “You know just as well as I do that until Jared makes up his mind, this mess isn’t finished. And you know just as well as I do that the boy still loves his girl.”
Chris exhales slowly and scowls at his friend.
“I hate it when you’re right,” he says, looking back at Jared and Jensen and running a hand over his face, concern coloring his features once again. “What the fuck should we do now?” he asks, completely at a loss.
Steve shrugs.
“I wish I could threaten Jared, but… this is hell for him, too. We can’t do a damn thing.”
“Well, I kinda beat you to the threatening Jared part a few minutes ago, so…” Chris grins humorlessly. He’s about to say something else when he suddenly spots a small figure approaching Jared and Jensen with purposeful strides. “Fuck!” he cries, eyes going wide as saucers.
+++
Sandy freezes somewhere between an amplifier and a set of drums, dark, stunned eyes fixed upon her boyfriend, who currently has his lips firmly planted over those of his best friend and his tongue probably shoved down said best friend’s throat.
“J-Jared?!” she manages to stutter.
Jared is out of Jensen’s personal space as soon as he hears his name being called.
”FUCK!” his mind screams, but he’s too shocked to say anything out loud. Then again, he isn’t really sure there even is something to say.
Jensen feels his heart drop at the look on Sandy’s face, and all the not-feeling-guilty crap suddenly crumbles. When Sandy turns on her heels and storms away after staring at the both of them in shock for a while, Jensen stands up dazedly.
“Go, Jay,” he says.
Jared takes one last lingering look at Jensen before running out himself.
He finds Sandy dashing out of the bar, her hands clutching her purse tightly, knuckles almost white.
“Sandy, please stop!” he calls urgently, but no avail. “Sandy, please!”
She spins on her heels and comes to such a sudden stop that Jared almost runs into her.
“What, Jared?!” she hisses furiously. “Fuck, I can’t believe you were kissing Jensen! After all that shit you’d give me when I said the two of you spend too much together! You fucking hypocrite!”
“I know,” Jared says quietly, forcing himself not to lower his gaze. “I know. I’m an hypocrite, and stupid, and selfish. A major asshole. And I’m sorry that you had to see what you did.” He would’ve never thought it possible, but now he actually finds himself even more confused than ever. “Some things happened at Steve’s first show, and…” He trails off, exhaling slowly. “And I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you love him?” Sandy asks, brown eyes boring fiercely into him.
Jared closes his eyes briefly and takes a deep breath.
“Yeah,” he whispers. “Yeah, I do.”
She nods.
“Do you love me?” she asks then.
Jared opens his eyes again to stare at the woman in front of him. “Yeah,” he says, and that’s the truth.
“Does he know that you love me?”
“Yes.” ”Yes, and it’s hurting him too much,” he adds silently.
Anger flashes through Sandy’s eyes at that.
“He knows?! He knows that you’re still in love with me, and yet he…” She trails off, her lips pressing together in a thin line of fury. “You’re stuck, Jared,” she says coldly after a few moments in which she manages to regain her composure. “You haven’t lost me, yet, and you haven’t lost Jensen. But you need to make up your mind. And when you do, one of us is gonna leave.”
With that, she turns and walks away, back to her rented car, leaving Jared to stare after the retreating vehicle, his mind working wildly.
”What the fuck should I do?”
He runs a hand through his hair in frustration when the answer doesn’t come.
+++
Jensen unplugs the guitar and puts it back in its case carefully. He gives a pat to the shoulder of who he calls ‘Steve #2’ and laughs at the violinist’s joke as he passes him by.
He made sure to look at Jared throughout the whole second part of the show as he sang and played, because Jared… Jared looked lost, and Jensen hated to see that look on his face: he was far more used to a wide, dimples-deep smile.
Chris walks up to where Steve is currently unplugging his own guitar.
“We have to go where that man’s going,” he says in a hushed tone, nodding towards Jensen. “And we’ve only got two options: either we make him talk, or we make him talk. All right?”
Steve gives him his patented ‘cat-that-ate-the-canary’ grin, and if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re on the same side in this, Chris would be shivering.
Oblivious to the exchange, Jensen accepts a beer from David and clinks bottles with the saxophonist, watching as he heads away to chat excitedly with some of the technicians.
He sits on a forgotten chair and nurses his beer quietly. He should go to Jared, he knows he should. But not yet. He just needs a few minutes.
He watches as Chris and Steve make their way to the backstage, talking and grinning to some people as they walk by, as charming and confident as ever. He sees them make a quick stop at the bar for a beer, and then suddenly, they’re right in front of him, Steve sitting next to him on another chair and Chris settling cross-legged on the floor.
Jensen looks from one to the other, shuddering inwardly.
“Mind not making such a scary good impersonation of vultures?”
Chris smiles a little and pets his friend softly on the knee.
“Mind saying what’s on your mind?”
“No funny jokes, please,” Steve adds hastily. “Just the truth,” he finishes, giving Jensen a kind smile.
Jensen takes a good swig from his beer.
“I prefer it when you curse at me: those understanding smiles are kinda making me uncomfortable.”
Chris truly laughs this time.
“Thank Christ you said that, man,” he says, hoisting himself up on yet another chair to be eye-level with the other two. “Because I’m in serious need to be bitchy and annoying as hell about the whole thing,” he grins. “Alright, so just spill it. What the hell is going on in that pretty head of yours?”
“Oh, back off,” Jensen scoffs good-naturally, delivering a playful punch to his friend’s shoulder. “Don’t you guys have better things to do? Steve, it’s your night, dammit. Just get out there, talk with your fans, make some girls’ heads spin, get drunk… whatever.”
“Forget it, dude,” Steve says matter-of-factly. “You already ruined my night, no reason to try and make it better now.”
Despite the words, Steve is smirking, and yet Jensen can’t help but feeling a little guilty anyway. He’s pretty sure it’s all part of the plan. Bastards.
“You’re stuck with us, asshole,” Chris says, giving Jensen’s knee a strong pat. “Now c’mon, man, we don’t have all night.” He pauses, seeming to be pondering over something. “Well, actually, we do… But do you really want to listen to our bitching all night?”
Jensen doesn’t return the teasing grin Chris sends in his direction. Irritation has begun to creep up onto him, and he gives them both a warning glare.
“What part of ‘back off’ don’t you guys get?” He looks at Steve, softening up a little. “I know I ruined your show… Twice. And I’m sorry.” He stands up and lifts his guitar case off the floor. “I’m gonna get some shuteye. You two have fun.”
Chris quickly gets to his feet and grabs the other end of the guitar case, looking resolutely at Jensen.
“You stay right here, or your beauty here’s gonna get the shuteye of a lifetime.”
Jensen glares furiously.
“Are you fuckin’ threatening my guitar?!” he cries, affronted.
“Yeah, I am,” Chris declares, glaring right back. “So you gonna stay or what?”
Steve barely resists the urge to roll his eyes. If the whole situation wasn’t so tense, he would be probably laughing his ass off right now. They did look kind of ridiculous, standing there glaring at each other like that, Jensen holding on tight to the case’s handle and Chris clutching at the top of the neck.
He stands on his feet and places a restraining hand over Chris’ shoulder.
“That’s a little extreme, Christian. I can’t allow you to threaten a Fender in my backstage.”
Jensen yanks the guitar away from Chris’ grasp, puts it safely down, and stares angrily at both of his friends.
“What the fuck do you want from me?!” he snaps, feeling himself way too close to the end of the endurance for comfort.
“THE TRUTH, ASSHOLE!”
The tones are as loud as Chris has ever reached when addressing Jensen, and he has to take a few deep breaths to overcome the shock at his own flaring temper.
“Only the truth,” he mutters then, raking a hand through his hair. “Look, so fucking sorry if we both look like complete assholes being worried about you all the time, but that’s just how it fucking works, okay? So don’t you go trying to get away from us when we’re only trying to help, Jen.”
Chris’ voice grows quieter and quieter, because no matter how much he tries to hide it, this is making him tired, pissed, and more worried than ever. He just wants to know, is that too much to ask?
Steve folds his arms across his chest and looks at Jensen, echoing all of Chris’ words with his silence.
They both earn a long stare from Jensen. He knows they want to help, and despite being grateful, he can’t help but feeling angry, too, because they’re pushing, hard, and he can’t take it right now.
“You can’t help,” he finally snaps, harsher than he had intended. “You can’t help with this, okay? Just get it into your thick skulls and get over it.”
+++
Jared might not know how the whole mess is going to end or how is he going to fix it, but he’s absolutely sure that he has to talk to Jensen. Right now.
He finds him talking with Chris and Steve, all three of them looking tense and kind of miserable.
Another thing that Jared knows is when to stop pushing and let people be, so he turns away and is about to hurry off when he hears his name being called. He looks back to see Chris walking up to him.
“Can we get out of here, man?” Chris says, and his voice sounds surprisingly concerned, rather than full of the furious tones Jared had been dreading.
Jared frowns but nods, letting himself be led away and not noticing Steve looking at them.
The musician stares for a while before turning back to Jensen.
“That was low, Jensen,” he says quietly. “For Chris to just walk away like that… man…” he murmurs, more to himself than to anyone else.
Jensen bites his lip. Steve’s right: getting Chris to be seriously pissed off is a hard task; hitting him as close to home as to have him stalking away is damn near impossible.
Not to mention fazing Steve.
And yet, Jensen has managed to do it all.
”Good work, Ackles. Here’s you award for Asshole Of The Year.”
He scrubs a hand over his face and heaves a deep sigh.
“I’m sorry,” he says after a while. “I’m sorry, Steve. I know you guys don’t deserve this.”
“Damn straight, we don’t,” Steve says sternly. “All right, man, what the hell is going on? You fucked things up already, I guess you owe us as much as an explanation.”
Jensen sits back down and runs both hands through his short hair.
“When Jared followed Sandy outside…” he begins, not looking at Steve. “She… uh… she asked him whether he’s still in love with her. Jared doesn’t know that I’ve seen them or heard.”
Steve doesn’t even need to ask what Jared’s answer was, because he can see it all on Jensen’s face.
“Shit,” he says quietly. “But…” He trails off briefly, trying to find some helpful words. “She’s not here anymore, is she? Which could mean that things aren’t completely lost. Right?”
Jensen looks up at him.
“I don’t know whether she’s still in Dallas or flying out in the morning or whatever… He loves her, Steve,” he says quietly. “I’m just… fucking up his mind. He’s hurting.”
“Stop that, Jensen,” Steve says sternly. “Him being confused is not your fault. If he’s confused, it’s because he feels something, and you didn’t force him to feel that way, did you? None can do that. You can’t blame yourself this time.”
Jensen shrugs.
“I guess,” he says without much conviction. “He’s not the only confused one, anyway,” he adds quietly.
Steve arches an eyebrow in surprise.
“What are you confused about? Are you having seconds thoughts?”
“No,” Jensen says quickly. “No, I love Jared. I do. It’s just…” he hesitates. “Sandy also asked him whether I know he’s still in love with her. He said yes. And it’s true, I do know. But he’s never told me. He never touches the subject. It’s like Sandy’s some sort of solved problem already. But she’s not, and sometimes it’s like…” He trails off with a sigh. “Fuck, I don’t even know how to explain it,” he says with a small bitter chuckle.
But he apparently doesn’t need to, because Steve is already smiling at him.
“I get it, man.” He pats Jensen’s shoulder and sits down beside him. “But try to put yourself in his shoes. You have a girlfriend that you love. You’re used to her presence, you’ve been having her by your side for years. Then suddenly you find yourself in love with your male best friend. That’s a bit confusing, isn’t it?” he says gently. “Maybe he doesn’t say her name when you’re there because he doesn’t want you to think that he loves her more than he loves you… or some equally weird reason,” he finishes with a small grin. “Like not wanting to screw the moments you get to spend together… you know what I mean?”
Jensen gives him a small smile.
“Yeah, I know. And it’s not his fault, I know it isn’t.” He scrubs his hands tiredly over his face and lets out a drawn sigh. “Alright. I’m sorry I’m being such an ass, Steve. I’ll apologize to Chris in the morning and put my shit together.”
He’s tired. He’s so tired of his own whining that he’s starting to get seriously pissed off at himself.
“It’s all right,” Steve says with a smile, patting his back. “I know you’re tired now, so I’ll leave you alone. But if you need anything, you know where to find me. And Chris,” he adds pointedly.
Jensen is tempted to reply with a dismissive ‘You’ve done enough’, because really, his friends have put up with enough shit from him already, but he knows that would only piss Steve off, a thing that’s always been extremely unwise to do.
So he smiles, nods, takes his guitar and leaves before he can fuck things up any further.
+++
Jared is still frowning when Chris finally comes to a stop in one of the many rooms of the backstage. It’s silent and completely deserted, and Jared doesn’t know whether Chris has brought him here to talk or to actually kill him.
”It’d be the perfect spot: there’s none around,” he thinks in slight apprehension.
“Okay, I’m ready,” he says quietly after a moment, looking back at Chris, suddenly finding himself too tired to try and argue to defend himself.
Chris arches an eyebrow and can’t fight off an amused grin in spite of his current pissed off state.
“You think I’m gonna jump at your throat, don’t ya?”
He leans back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.
“You’re… not?” Jared hesitates incredulously, not quite sure of having heard right. “Why not?”
He kicks himself mentally as soon as he’s said it, because seriously, why would someone ask that?
Chris doesn’t seem particularly fazed by the weirdness of the question.
“Mainly because of three reasons. One, I’m not really in the mood to jump to Jensen’s defense right now. Two,” his sharp blue eyes stare hard at Jared, “you don’t look so neat yourself, so I’d figured I’d give you a break. Three, all things considered, I still kinda like you, if only for the fact that you bought that black beauty of a guitar.”
Jared stares back at him for a while.
“Oh,” is the only thing that comes out of his mouth. “Wait,” he says when all of Chris’ words finally register. “What do you mean, you’re not in the mood to jump to Jensen’s defense? Is everything all right?” he asks a little anxiously.
Chris shrugs.
“None of your business,” he says, more harshly than he had intended, and he blows out a frustrated puff of air as soon as the words are out of his mouth. “Sorry,” he apologizes curtly. “Shouldn’t take it out on ya, not your fault the man’s a selfish son of a bitch.” He pauses for a second, trying to get his temper under control, then goes back to stare intently at Jared. “You wanna tell me what’s going on in that head of yours? ‘Cause I swear, you boys are drivin’ me crazy.”
Jared runs a hand over his face.
“I’m sorry, man,” he offers, and he truly is. He never wanted for Chris and Steve to get stuck into this the way they got to be. “I’m just confused,” he says, staring at Chris with a lost look on his face.
Chris gives him another shrug and flashes him a smile at the apology.
“What are friends for?” He rakes a hand through his hair and sighs. “Did you talk with Sandy?”
The smile that had come to grace Jared’s features fades as soon as the name is uttered.
“Yeah, we talked. Well, actually, she did, I just listened. And then she got pissed, and I got…” He trails off with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what the hell I got anymore, man,” he finishes lamely, staring at Chris as if begging with him for a solution.
Chris grimaces a little at that.
“I wish I could tell you what to do, Jay,” he says sincerely. “But I can’t. You obviously love them both. It’s complicated. But I want you to know something.”
“What?” Jared asks quietly, almost fearfully.
Chris takes a few moments to choose the words carefully before he speaks again.
“Jensen’s still your best friend. And he’ll always give you that friendship, no matter who you choose, no matter how much it hurts him. So whatever your choice’s gonna be, should that friendship become too painful for you… should you not be able to see him as a friend anymore, just as a lover or a non-lover, just… tell him before it gets to that point. Let him know where your best friend stands in all this. As soon as you know yourself,” he adds with a knowing grin.
Jared smiles a little.
“I will, man. I promise you. And… um… thanks.”
Chris gives his shoulder a strong pat.
“Thank you. Feels good to know what the fuck’s going on with at least one of you two.”
TBC...