to all concerned

[spiralzzzz]

There has been a lot running or walking or meandering through my head as of late. Before I get into that though, I'm going to get some more booze and my cigarettes. I'll be back. Not that you'll know the difference. Just to start this all off, I am going to be more than likely bitching and keep that in mind. Unless a specific name or nickname is mentioned, I am not referring to one individual. Usually I speak in terms of everyone in my life or just people in general. Smart people can be dumb as hell and vice versa. I am sick of people saying they will call and don't do it. And if an excuse is thought of, it's usually really really lame. I can understand that people have bad memories, I mean, I know I do. I can understand that, but, when I call you later if I forget, you'll answer the phone....This isn't making sense.... People usually only call or answer my call if they fucking want something. And, if I am kind enough to comply with their wants, I SOMETIMES STILL GET FUCKED. I don't understand it. I think I am just getting sick of fucking people in general. I mean, some of the people I hang out with are cool and we have shit in common and blah blah blah but, still do shit that makes no damn sense to me. I like to know why and "because" isn't an answer. I mean, what the fuck ever happened to just hanging out with people you enjoy being around? Not trying to steal girls from them, not fucking using them for anything except damn good company? I mean, maybe that's what happens for normal people. Perhaps it is just that I'm not a good person to hang out with. I don't like to do normal things. I don't want to drink all the time, I am not always out looking for girls to fuck, I don't like shitty music, I don't want to be someone else, I don't follow trends. I suppose there is always the possiblity that I'm just not a good person. I don't think that's the case though. I do what I can to help people out. I personally think I do that more than most, but, I also don't know what other people do. I can't change myself to be like everyone else though. It is way too past that. Maybe one day, this will all have a payoff and life will be fucking fantastic. I mean, thoughts like that are some of the only ones that keep my fucking ass going. There are well over 3 billion people on the face of this damn polluted out of control world and how is it possible for someone to feel alone? Perhaps I was born at the wrong time, in the wrong family, I was raised wrong. Who the fuck knows. I know I'm different than everyone in my family. I can and do live a different life than they have or do. I share similar things sometimes but, overall, I live very different than they do. I mean, don't most people have a "best friend"? I don't really think that I ever truly have. There are sometimes when I hang out with one person more than others but, commonly is due to circumstance. I don't think I want to let anyone know about myself anymore. I have found it doesn't do any good. Being an old fuck shooting up heroin by myself on a fixed income sounds pretty good most of the time. As long as I would have the internet and my computers and books and cigarettes and a dog...well pretty much a bunch of mainly inanimate objects, I would be content. I love people but, usually in the sense of they forever crack me up. The wannabe gangster suburban kids who learn what they know from MTV and pop rap music. I want to know if they know that most black males who grow up in bad areas(which are their "role models") don't usually live to be 21. If they've ever been in a ghetto except to maybe pick up someone or because they turned down a wrong street. I guess just people who don't want to take the time to learn to be themselves. The people who listen and watch and imitate how to be themselves. I guess that's part of why I love going to Warped Tour every year. To look at all the sheep who think they are so much different. I mean, people are who they around to a degree, but, you can't let who you're around make up all of who you are. I've come to the realization that most girls are either crazy, involved with someone else or aren't attracted to me, or I'm not attracted to them. It's pretty swell. I still believe there is someone out there for me who can handle my craziness and is not a whore or hasn't been and is physically attractive and smart and fucking interested in me. Knowing my luck it's some chick who has already passed me by or lives somewhere I won't ever go. I always wonder about people I see but, never talk to. I'm sure that most everone does too. Like maybe some person you see in some other car or walking down the street. I also am sure that knowing my physical appearence, most people look at me because I'm a freak and scare them or something. People who shield their children from me when I am probably a better parental figure than they are. I mean, look just at the females age...10-15 or so...FUTURE WHORES OF AMERICA. I see at least probably twenty a week. If girls my age were dressing like that at that age, they wouldn't be allowed out of the house..at least most of them. It's become ok to let little girls dress like fucking whores. I almost want to just shove a dollar down their fucking tit shirts to let them get accustomed to how it will be in their future. It fucking disgusts me. Little fucking skirts that are like six inches long. Fucking whores and you know their mothers are too if they don't care. And I've been at stores when the girls' mothers are buying this street walker apparal for these girls. I want to go slap them all and enroll the girls in a unwhoring camp. I know one doesn't exist because most men wouldn't allow it to open. I am a firm believer that this whole craze got started because of...horny old men. Whoa! Big surprise there right? Who has all the money? Who can control things? There it is. Sometimes I wish I were a chick so I could infiltrate all that shit and pull the curtain down. I would have to be hot though. And I think I probably wouldn't be as a chick since I'm not hot now. I hate my current job. I call people all day and bother them. I am a telemarketer but, at least it's to people who already own the base product. That's good cause I wouldn't be able to do it if they didn't. I am going to go to Fed Ex and apply this week sometime and really fucking hope I get the job because I won't be able to stand working here for more than a month or less. After the first week, I already wanted to quit but, won't until I find something else...or I'll just work a month and save my money and look then cause I am there every weekday and every other saturday. That sucks. Full time blows. If it were another job, it might not be as bad. But, this one...sucks. We only get 20 min. of breaks for working six hours. I think that's illegal but, don't know for sure. When I asked of course, I was told to get back on the phones. Over %90 of the people that work there either deal or do drugs or both. Pretty sweet for this close to straight edge kid. I really wouldn't mind getting drunk before going in but, I would have to have Russel drive us there and possibly back. Plus I sometimes get headaches from drinking and that would be no good while making a shit ton of phone calls. I have done so much driving thus far in my life. It's really ridiculous. I wish I would have kept track over the years. I'm only 21 and I have probably driven more than the average 30 year old at least. Barring truck drivers of course. I got called a hood tonight. Ever wonder what happens to people you haven't seen for a few years? I'm sure you do...you. I'm sure I have a lot more to say but, this is already long and I'm going to read some more and drink and eat some delicious Triscuit crackers and smoke some more cigarettes. Have a great day if you've made it this far and if you haven't you won't know that I'm typing this.....so Plahplueey to you.

SpiRaLzzzz

*end trasmission*