flashbacks-ruining your life one moment at a time.
i was being intimate with someone this evening when i had a flashback in the middle and was suddenly shaking, like literally my whole body was quivering and it was ...
horrible.
i think it was the lighting, that sort of dim half light, it was the exact same pitch. and something else must have triggered it but since my memory of that night is patchy i'm not sure what.
this is why i shouldn't be intimate with people who i can't tell what's going on. we stopped...which was good. but i didn't know them well enough to say what was wrong. i tried. i opened my mouth and tried. and i couldn't i couldn't make the words come out. it took me years to say anything to anyone. i couldn't even tell my therapist until almost 3 years after it happened. i'd open my mouth and nothing would come out.
so i ran. i said i'm sorry i'm so sorry. and i left, still shaking uncontrollabley because i couldn't say the words.
i fled back to my place where i took a panic med and sat on my floor shaking and trying to breath until the memories faded and reality was around me again.
and here i am. embarrassed. i shouldn't be embarrassed. it's not my fault. it was never my fault.
asked what was wrong. did something happen in london? what is wrong what is wrong? i can't answer the question. i physically can't. i just shake harder. then i threw on my clothes as fast as i could and repeated i'm sorry before i fled. i couldn't say the words. 3 little words.
3.
i feel ill. those aren't the words i needed. those are the only words i have. i couldn't say those either.
3 words.
i'm still shaking a little. how am i going to face james for dinner? act normal? be me. i miss having friends who already know what happened so when all i can do is stutter and the only word i can say is flashback they can hold me or not or help me remember how to breath or just talk about nothing in a soothing low voice until it passes.
i haven't had a flashback in ages. they suck. i forgot how much they suck.
horrible.
i think it was the lighting, that sort of dim half light, it was the exact same pitch. and something else must have triggered it but since my memory of that night is patchy i'm not sure what.
this is why i shouldn't be intimate with people who i can't tell what's going on. we stopped...which was good. but i didn't know them well enough to say what was wrong. i tried. i opened my mouth and tried. and i couldn't i couldn't make the words come out. it took me years to say anything to anyone. i couldn't even tell my therapist until almost 3 years after it happened. i'd open my mouth and nothing would come out.
so i ran. i said i'm sorry i'm so sorry. and i left, still shaking uncontrollabley because i couldn't say the words.
i fled back to my place where i took a panic med and sat on my floor shaking and trying to breath until the memories faded and reality was around me again.
and here i am. embarrassed. i shouldn't be embarrassed. it's not my fault. it was never my fault.
asked what was wrong. did something happen in london? what is wrong what is wrong? i can't answer the question. i physically can't. i just shake harder. then i threw on my clothes as fast as i could and repeated i'm sorry before i fled. i couldn't say the words. 3 little words.
3.
i feel ill. those aren't the words i needed. those are the only words i have. i couldn't say those either.
3 words.
i'm still shaking a little. how am i going to face james for dinner? act normal? be me. i miss having friends who already know what happened so when all i can do is stutter and the only word i can say is flashback they can hold me or not or help me remember how to breath or just talk about nothing in a soothing low voice until it passes.
i haven't had a flashback in ages. they suck. i forgot how much they suck.