(no subject)
Well its 5 in the morning, And I still havent gone to sleep like normal, I woke up around one this after noon after not going to sleep untill late like normal. Called around to see if any one could play with me, of course everyone was busy. So I decided to work on my bus, so I did and oil change and all around check up on the engine, then sat at the computer for hours and hours, untill it was near 11 at night. And cat and matt came over and watched me play video games. Then left when my brother got home around 2. So I am completly tired of this life. Of wake up be rejected by people sit at my computer alone all fucking day. I wish people would just tell me Im not their friend so I dont have to waist my time trying not to neglect them. Because its pretty evident that people just dont care to make any sort of effort to want to spend time with me. Not that I want them to if they dont think Im any type of friend. But dont have me fucking hanging around. So we are back to it being 5 in the morning
and still up, I had to move my car from where I was working on it so my parents could pull out in a few hours to leave to work, and I pulled it out and started driving
and just kept going and I made it about a mile out of town when I realised I left the computer on and my dad would get all moody if he woke up to it, so I came back. But honestly I was inches away from finaly leaving, Its not like Im worth anything to anyone here, Im everyones aquantince. A friend of a friend they know. I used to be worth something to my self, but Ive only become this shell of a person. Waiting and hoping for something to happen to me to change me. But the problem is Ive never been like that, and its not a good thing to happen, because Im just irrelavent enough to do something about it, like just leave. But Im really getting tired of it all, I started to try to be normal for a while and sleep and do stuff. But it just doesnt work with me. I grew up in a different shape then that fits that routine. I dont like sleeping I dont need it. Im not going to go to sleep today, or tomorrow, untill I see fit Im ready to. Who knows what i will do tomorrow, I think I will work on peoples gifts. People who really arnt expecting them, I dont like to give presents to people who think I will be giving them to them. Thats no fun really. I have to start being me again and stop trying to see how normal feels. Because its not my normal. Im going to change again, and put my self in danger just because, and try things people tell me are impossible and not tell anyone when I do it. ANd its going to start with not fucking sleeping, because you know what I dont wanna fucking sleep. And Im glad I hate my job, and IM glad my car always needs me to work on it, because you know what? I know how to fix it. This isnt a vent, I dont need to vent to anyone. Not that I dont need friends, I enjoy them alot. I really dont like being alone, its like I dont exist alone, whats the point of tricking some one into giving me something if no one else knows, or driving to the river. Or watching a movie. Its all usless if Im alone. Because I could have just all imagined it. But Im pretty sure there is no one who finds me worth going out of their way to be around. So its time I left because Im sure there is some one somewhere who fits me right. All I got to do is find them, because Im sure they are looking too.
and still up, I had to move my car from where I was working on it so my parents could pull out in a few hours to leave to work, and I pulled it out and started driving
and just kept going and I made it about a mile out of town when I realised I left the computer on and my dad would get all moody if he woke up to it, so I came back. But honestly I was inches away from finaly leaving, Its not like Im worth anything to anyone here, Im everyones aquantince. A friend of a friend they know. I used to be worth something to my self, but Ive only become this shell of a person. Waiting and hoping for something to happen to me to change me. But the problem is Ive never been like that, and its not a good thing to happen, because Im just irrelavent enough to do something about it, like just leave. But Im really getting tired of it all, I started to try to be normal for a while and sleep and do stuff. But it just doesnt work with me. I grew up in a different shape then that fits that routine. I dont like sleeping I dont need it. Im not going to go to sleep today, or tomorrow, untill I see fit Im ready to. Who knows what i will do tomorrow, I think I will work on peoples gifts. People who really arnt expecting them, I dont like to give presents to people who think I will be giving them to them. Thats no fun really. I have to start being me again and stop trying to see how normal feels. Because its not my normal. Im going to change again, and put my self in danger just because, and try things people tell me are impossible and not tell anyone when I do it. ANd its going to start with not fucking sleeping, because you know what I dont wanna fucking sleep. And Im glad I hate my job, and IM glad my car always needs me to work on it, because you know what? I know how to fix it. This isnt a vent, I dont need to vent to anyone. Not that I dont need friends, I enjoy them alot. I really dont like being alone, its like I dont exist alone, whats the point of tricking some one into giving me something if no one else knows, or driving to the river. Or watching a movie. Its all usless if Im alone. Because I could have just all imagined it. But Im pretty sure there is no one who finds me worth going out of their way to be around. So its time I left because Im sure there is some one somewhere who fits me right. All I got to do is find them, because Im sure they are looking too.