(no subject)
Lack of mindfulness.
One of the most difficult things for me to accept myself going through.
Recent lapses in mindfulness:
Forgetting my phone in the car on the way to Otakon and therefore being without it all weekend.
Jumping into the reservoir with my glasses on and losing them.
Accidentally pulling Duane off a rock into the river.
Worst lapses in mindfulness:
Trying to attend letterpress happy hour on the wrong day on 3 separate occasions.
Today I was attached to the outcome that I would get to work on the vandercook presses in the studio and pull some proofs. I have been trying to make my set of business cards for work for weeks. I ordered plates, then I was told that my card was rejected, then I called and they said that nothing was wrong. Then I got an invoice for the cost of the plates and the shipping, when i was only waiting for the shipping invoice. I have been behind on work for a month. It is incredibly frustrating. I told my client that i didn't know how to do something, that I would need to take a class or workshop to figure out how to do it. I ended up being asked to do it anyway and I stalled and floundered at trying to teach myself to do it. I feel so stupid that I keep forcing myself through things the hard way. In terms of work the whole summer has been an excersize in frustration. The first business cards were a failure in ececution with a huge proportion of mistakes and way too expensive. Now that I am making a second set, even though I did a test strip before I exposed the whole plate the exposure was uneven and I seem to have lost 1/4 of the plate, if the plate will print at all, and I keep missing my chance to print at the letterpress happy hour because I can't get it through my thick skull that it's on monday, not wednesday. And I have to pay $100 in fees and deposits to be able to work in the letterpresss studio independently, which is money I don't have.
I want to do better. I want to be my best.
I can't afford to pay my phone bill this week because I am so behind on deadlines and invoices.
School. I am advised. But the money is still funny and I need to resubmit exemption forms that should still be good from last year however now the person in that position is a different person and I don't know that my petition from last year will even be on file or be able to transfer to this semester.
My mother tells me to get a day job. That then my life will have more structure. I get so scared, because I already have more work that I can handle and a new relationship.
I applied to a job last week and got no response, but I really would rather not waste my energy on that when I could be working, but if my working is just running me in circles . . .
Things to feel blessed about:
I am so fucking happy with Duane.
I have the best friends in the world.
My health in great and I am getting in shape by running every other morning.
I am moving towards my goal of becoming an art therapist.
Today I feel really irresponsible, and dependent and it hurts. I want to feel confident and reliable. I seems like no matter what I do I keep relapsing into non-communication and inconsistency. My actions are my own and lately they have been stupid ones.
My motto is "Never give up." so I won't. The moment after this one is fresh with possibilities to reinvent myself into someone I can be proud of.
One of the most difficult things for me to accept myself going through.
Recent lapses in mindfulness:
Forgetting my phone in the car on the way to Otakon and therefore being without it all weekend.
Jumping into the reservoir with my glasses on and losing them.
Accidentally pulling Duane off a rock into the river.
Worst lapses in mindfulness:
Trying to attend letterpress happy hour on the wrong day on 3 separate occasions.
Today I was attached to the outcome that I would get to work on the vandercook presses in the studio and pull some proofs. I have been trying to make my set of business cards for work for weeks. I ordered plates, then I was told that my card was rejected, then I called and they said that nothing was wrong. Then I got an invoice for the cost of the plates and the shipping, when i was only waiting for the shipping invoice. I have been behind on work for a month. It is incredibly frustrating. I told my client that i didn't know how to do something, that I would need to take a class or workshop to figure out how to do it. I ended up being asked to do it anyway and I stalled and floundered at trying to teach myself to do it. I feel so stupid that I keep forcing myself through things the hard way. In terms of work the whole summer has been an excersize in frustration. The first business cards were a failure in ececution with a huge proportion of mistakes and way too expensive. Now that I am making a second set, even though I did a test strip before I exposed the whole plate the exposure was uneven and I seem to have lost 1/4 of the plate, if the plate will print at all, and I keep missing my chance to print at the letterpress happy hour because I can't get it through my thick skull that it's on monday, not wednesday. And I have to pay $100 in fees and deposits to be able to work in the letterpresss studio independently, which is money I don't have.
I want to do better. I want to be my best.
I can't afford to pay my phone bill this week because I am so behind on deadlines and invoices.
School. I am advised. But the money is still funny and I need to resubmit exemption forms that should still be good from last year however now the person in that position is a different person and I don't know that my petition from last year will even be on file or be able to transfer to this semester.
My mother tells me to get a day job. That then my life will have more structure. I get so scared, because I already have more work that I can handle and a new relationship.
I applied to a job last week and got no response, but I really would rather not waste my energy on that when I could be working, but if my working is just running me in circles . . .
Things to feel blessed about:
I am so fucking happy with Duane.
I have the best friends in the world.
My health in great and I am getting in shape by running every other morning.
I am moving towards my goal of becoming an art therapist.
Today I feel really irresponsible, and dependent and it hurts. I want to feel confident and reliable. I seems like no matter what I do I keep relapsing into non-communication and inconsistency. My actions are my own and lately they have been stupid ones.
My motto is "Never give up." so I won't. The moment after this one is fresh with possibilities to reinvent myself into someone I can be proud of.