(no subject)
Maybe if I start writing it'll all flow out of me.
Hi. I've missed you. Heat is rising through me from my core to my throat. I am nervous.
Anxious.
Scared.
I have wanted to tell you about the privilege of boldness. About how there is no street I fear walking alone at night. About how I could wear whatever I wanted, about how I could be a boy one day and a girl the next and other times something inbetween and never have to conform.
I have wanted to tell you about how fear doesn't interfere with my self expression.
That I grew into my shine from living on the edges, from my intrinsic not-fitting-in-ness that my mother taught me was a gift. All that uniqueness U-NIC-KAY that I was born into, why should any of it be hidden away.
I wanted to tell you that:
I want to be me! Boldly! Right up until the day I die!
Which would have been true if I could learn to be me when I am in love. If my boldness didn't flow out in rivers of shimmering fluid the moment I was told that I could be loved. When I am with a lover I become a being of timidness.
I can no longer speak of my pain.
I can no longer speak of my desires.
I can no longer assert my decisions.
I cannot voice my wants or needs.
I can no longer be agressive.
My arousal ceases to consume me.
Why do I become a shell of my own being. I cannot love a shell, a shell is death and vacancy. I can only love me with the fullness of my intrinsic boldness.
So let me keep me for myself. I can adore my own vibrant fullness. The energy of my boldness is too precious to let it flow away.
Hi. I've missed you. Heat is rising through me from my core to my throat. I am nervous.
Anxious.
Scared.
I have wanted to tell you about the privilege of boldness. About how there is no street I fear walking alone at night. About how I could wear whatever I wanted, about how I could be a boy one day and a girl the next and other times something inbetween and never have to conform.
I have wanted to tell you about how fear doesn't interfere with my self expression.
That I grew into my shine from living on the edges, from my intrinsic not-fitting-in-ness that my mother taught me was a gift. All that uniqueness U-NIC-KAY that I was born into, why should any of it be hidden away.
I wanted to tell you that:
I want to be me! Boldly! Right up until the day I die!
Which would have been true if I could learn to be me when I am in love. If my boldness didn't flow out in rivers of shimmering fluid the moment I was told that I could be loved. When I am with a lover I become a being of timidness.
I can no longer speak of my pain.
I can no longer speak of my desires.
I can no longer assert my decisions.
I cannot voice my wants or needs.
I can no longer be agressive.
My arousal ceases to consume me.
Why do I become a shell of my own being. I cannot love a shell, a shell is death and vacancy. I can only love me with the fullness of my intrinsic boldness.
So let me keep me for myself. I can adore my own vibrant fullness. The energy of my boldness is too precious to let it flow away.