So blarg...
So, I'm not happy with anything in my life right about now. Not one damn thing. I'm depressed and just grr. I've got a job - should be happy about that - but I'm not. I mean - relief and all - money or whatever...but not happy. I'm thinking thoughts that should not be thought (not suicide - but sometimes I think thinking that would be better - but don't worry I'm not at that point). I'm just not happy. I don't know what would make me happy - I've got some ideas but that would mean making everyone else not happy (again not suicide). Misty and her boyfriend and a friend of theirs are living with me - we are all helping each other out and shit - and I thought I could deal with this - with PEOPLE in my SPACE - but it's driving me crazy if truth be honest. I feel like such a fucking fuck up and loser and like my life is spiraling out of my control and I don't know what to do and I hate being dependent on them (ie. ride to work in Winchester that is 40 minutes away - the boyfriend of Misty and I both work there now and it seems like it could be a good job - but just grrr). I didn't get the Berea job I wanted - I don't know what I'm doing - I feel like shit all the time. All I've been doing is coming in from work and going to my room and reading - trying to avoid seeing them and seeing my apartment looking so cluttered and shitty and just grrr...and this is all my fault and I'm getting angry with them and I don't know exactly why other than they are people and in my space - but it's not entirely my space anymore because they did help with rent and such and money sucks...and this post has like no fucking grammar and I don't care...I don't know what I'm doing or what I want and I'm sitting here and they are all watching the TV like feet away from me and I just want to hurt them all - and it's completely irrational - cause they are nice enough people - Ray (the boyfriend) and Daniel (the friend) get on my nerves...and I have no ill feelings toward Misty except that she is part of everything and therefore unfortunately wrapped up in my feelings of grrness - but it's not her - I know I'm psychotic - neurotic as Dale would say - and that's been getting on my damn nerves too - and I'm withdrawn - I know - I know this - I fucking know this - but I can't deal with this shit - I just can't deal with any of it and I don't fucking know what the fuck IT is!!!!!! And....FUCKING AND - Marshall may or fucking may not show up at my apartment needing a place to stay - I don't know - I don't know what the fuck is going on there - if he even likes me - if he's using me - but hell if he's using me I just wish he'd go ahead and get it over with...I can't stand this not knowing if he really likes me or not - it sucks...it all sucks ass!!!!! And I'm a horrible person for ranting all of this bullshit to the world and I just don't fucking CARE! But I'm not suicidal - so don't worry!