An invisible idiot invisibly listening to an invisible Idioteque.
I dont reccommend the following as easy reading as its probably going to be full of a lot of confusion, unecessary comma marks, bad typos, and confusing run on sentences. So in case anybody does decide to read my ramblings, forgive me for that. Thank you.
* * * *
Osama bin laden has been finally killed. (That's assuming he's not already been dead from the get go, or its a double, or it's not merely a part of fake campaign primer. Which in all likeliness it probably is.) With tthat said, I admired President's Obama's speech and the way it was delivered. I am glad for that he appreciated all the parties involved, and reiterating this was a war mission against murderers, not against Islam, as many have taken it for sadly. It seems like so many people have forgotten about this guy and suddenly Osama bin Laden is recognized again by everybody. The guy was supposedly long already sick and ready to kick the bucket years ago. Some say the CIA knew he was dead and planned to stage a 'death' to show off, and glorify the president or continued war abroad or whatever. Who knows. I want to care so badly but I simply right now just can't. There is so much pain and so many other war criminals and so many bad criminals of another kind who commit as much grand scale evil here walking around, and constantly emerging, dying, killing each other, while the rest of us go shopping, eat dinner, watch tv, and check our facebook stats and move on with life. It feels like looking at a timeline in a textbook of things like the Hiroshima bomb, or the Holocaust or the assasination of President Lincoln- some major event that has turned the world upside down and affects the very present day you are living in right now, the very fact you even EXIST is probably manipulated by the fact these events even occurred- and yet you are not in anyway really empathic to any of this. To you, those are just date numbers on a line, and feel like at the very most that they were sad unecessary wastes of human life. You don't ever really feel like you're a part of that line, or rather, like that line is a part of YOUR world, that this IS the world, and it is the only world you'll probably ever know, except on days when things like 9-11 actually happen and you just have to rise to the occaision and deal with it.
'So yet another stupid muslim is dead...big deal.' as my dad ineloquently stated.
I felt much the same way when Saddam Hussein was formerly executed.
A part of me wants to forget all of my cynical bitterness and distanced confusion regarding this whole era of my life, and celebrate with the others, be happy that for once justice was finally served, somebody who truly did acts of evil was brought to whatever form of justice that assasination was meant to gratify us. This act of 9-11 wasn't done by this man alone, and many other things on our side have to be taken into account, but there's little denying his role as a horrible person who inflicted much cruelty on his family and his people and on our people and would have done many more acts of evil if given the opportunity. On the one hand I am glad he is dead now. On the other hand, to celebrate even the most evil of men's death feels weird to me, even if I know he would naturally be killed by a death sentence even if he was for god knows why even considered for a fair trial, which i would not give him as he clearly is guilty of a million other atrocities across the board. Bureacracy does not need any entrance here. But I do not feel happy that a man is dead, and I do not truly celebrate, except in a form of tired relief, if only temporarily. I feel mostly a sense of closure, yet unanswered questions linger in my heart that I cannot answer. i feel the world just change slowly around me, and grow gleefully ever more Big Brother-like in technology, more greedy and cruel and uncaring in its coporative rulers, and more spiteful and petty child-like in its ignorant mainstream media franchise, while most of those who try to be aware of this all take things into the wrong account and blindly accuse the wrong parties or make up cracked up theories neither wrong or right and increase the perception of all dissenter's or conspiracy theorists as being synomynous with nutjob milita fanaticals- by which, a good portion seem to be. I try to remember that humanity is overall not an ugly place full of people who want to label and kill each other. But its very hard on occaision when I am glancing over any messageboards on any major site. i probably should ignore all of those and go on to do something better with my life like donating to Japan or ANERA or one of UNICEFs other causes (in case you are interested in those: anera.org , unicef.org, doctorswithoutborders.org )
I also fear now more so for my life, what does this mean in terms of retaliation, or for our own dangerously nationalist ego in foreign policy? Likely, the already fanatical 'right' wingers will have a field day over this, as well as the supposed 'left' in support of Obama who will point their fingers and say SEE, OUR guy did that! and the two will argue about whose to blame and who got this issue resolved and how MUCH more privacy and civil rights we should infringe upon to see if we can keep the good results still coming. Nobody did anything here for America regarding this moment except for the person who held that gun up and shot Osama Bin Laden.
Thanks to the internet and a good many other things, America has learned a lot more about itself than it would like to realize in the past ten years.
What I feel more the most right now is just a bizarre sense of nostalgia, and a sad quiet numb loss, for all the pain that we have went through for this, a problem that really is our fault in origin when it comes down to it, our fault and the USSR's fault and all humanity in general's fault: all the men and women we lost in our army serving their country, and all the countless civilian lives who have had to suffer in the wake of our search for this man and from the brutality of his cohorts. Just a closure to some kind of abstract...thing...yet at the same time, the book remains opened on the same exact page, and sometimes I intuitively worry about things I don't know the exact nature of. So I don't sink into a depression, at some point I try to deliberatly not read the news, drive facts and stored dates from my mind, cos as an already useless artist I just feel even more insignificantly helpless and useles. I prefer to wander onwards and alone in my idle ignorant lonely bliss, in a way, it helps keep me both sane and strangely even more aware of what's happening in the world in a broader more objective perspective, by not taking a direct side, or knowing all the facts, just watching and listening to everything all at once from a far distance. Everything remains the same and yet changes all at once. You feel outside reality almost, like you are reading it in a book. But you can't deny your place in it either and how this affects you, and how you feel you have a responsibility to in some way, ANY way, to affect it. But you can't, not really. You just gotta make the world a better place for yourself, and make it a better place in your own small as best you can for others. Its all such a brief temporary state of existence we are priviledged to get, and yet a permanent residue on the rest of continuing life and humanity lingers on from what our deeds are collectively. I just wish we were leaving somewhat of a better resume' right now.
...Christ, this a longer more worser more confusing pendantic rambling than even Jhonen Vasquez has on the inside of one of his comic book covers. Except no mention of monkeys or tacos here-(oh, wait, well, nevermind then.) I do not care. Nobody reads this. I havent written rants down here in ages. So who gives a shit. Not you.
Somehow I feel like things are not coming to a close, but people want so badly to just drive each other crazy about all this stuff in life. I wonder about if shits just all gonna go the tubes, like so many seem to think right now, not for any relegious or political or special reason. Really I don't feel a sense of doom, just a sense of grave sadness and dissappointment in people in general, and a knowing that things are not going to be getting any easier as time likely goes on, though they do not necessarily have to at least all the time be hard either. I guess what I am trying to say is, its all in your situation and perception, make the best of what you have. I've just a feeling like life is not going to be any different in general in the near future, and even if so, Nature will be Nature and we all wanna think like life in this world has a point and a storybook conclusion that we nearly all at some point sometimes argue about and try to agree on, some horrible dark thing is going to happen to wipe us all off the planet and we all debate simply on what that thing is- ...except children mainy. Children don't think about the end of the world, not while they're really children, they can't even conceive of it. I don't really know honestly know if existence is really that storybooklike as the adults feel; I feel like life is a lot more simple. if the world does/did end, it would happen in such a way we'd probably never know about it OR, we'd not have to blame something with a plan or a true cosmic identity on it. The only real culprit here I think if such a situation were actually directly intentionally CAUSED, it would be by us, and with no provocation or necessary fate pushing us to do so, therefore making the whole thing even more fundamentally absurd in doing, and hopefully less causable in that reality- not G-d, not the planets lining up, not the Mayans and not aliens or Jesus version 0.2.
People just don't want to die, or rather, people don't want to die and think that they won't go on without a memory or that the world could possibly go on without our specific state of being upon it. People won't change and evolve or something could happen completely out of the ballpark. Who knows.
I do not know. I was not there in the city thank god, nor my loved ones or friends at the site when it happened. A surreal vision came to me of a plane exploding, what I had taken to be an idle daydream in mathclass while staring at a plane, not many moments before hearing of the actual world trade center's demise. I didn't feel any sense of any emotion at the time when it happened. I was numbed completely. I was just there. I didn't feel scared or sorrowful, mainly just....stuck. I don't really know how to explain it. My sorrow, fear, confusion increased as the day seeped in more, but more because of other people and their emotional reactions and spewed debates around me, and their anger, I didn't really feel anything but confused and I still feel to this day just a plain sad confusion on all aspects of this. I never had been to the world trade center before and i didnt know what it looked like from the inside or the area around it really. It wasn't ever an important symbol to me, to me, it was a pair of yet another cold, steel corporate buildings. Being on my grandmother's terrace, looking at the smoke cloud stained in the air above where some anonymous buildings should be, that seems almost more like a holier symbolic icon to me for the tragedy, they should put a sky cloud there on all that dumb merchandise they hocked out everywhere the next day, instead of the two towers- but what am I saying here, I really don't know.
I don't know. I am sad, I am glad, I am hopeful, I am worried. I am confused. I am everything, I am nothing, I am both at the same time. I feel awake and I feel tired. I don't know what the hell it is that I am.
I just am.
Like G-d maybe.