(no subject)
I am trying not to be afraid. Some say Fear is an enemy, but I disagree, some Fear is rational, and even life saving at times. If we did not fear getting hit by a car and suffering brain damage or death for instance, we'd never wear seatbelts to protect our bodies/ensure our loved ones did the same. Fear itself is not the enemy, but myself being swallowed up by constant fear and shame is the obstacle to happiness, and any obstacle to happiness meant to be turned into a positive Or at the very least, left alone to live and let live.
Unfortunately, I don't see at the moment what I should do, with either option.
I am tired of so many people taking their own lives because they are gay, or because people force them to feel being labelled gay is a crime against existence, despite whether they are actually gay or not. I am mortified by the killings and persecution going on in Uganda. I am annoyed and amused of the idea beyond all absurdity that homosexuality has anything to do with Nazism, a movement that sought to completely eliminate every trace of any and all minorities and any societal scapegoat outcast it could lay eyes on. Yet so many people apparently belive this madness is true. I am ashamed to be a descendent of a relegion that I am, and guilty that I revel in the fact I am not more spiritual towards it because the most supposedly relegious men dominating our group have all turned into proprietors of ignorance, desutruction abroad, and hate. I am ashamed that here, IN NEW YORK for fuck's sake, is a man being even so much as ALLOWED to run, claiming that our kind are sufferers of a legitimate disease who need to be changed, yet he himself meanwhile sends ANIMAL PORN as a joke to his colleagues. I feel nauseated and hurt and depressed beyond all measure, and while I am hopingfor/pretty darn certain because of that blindness he will therefore suffer all the more in his poll turnouts, I know such a defeat will only stoke the fires under his allies bottoms even more. These people's attitudes really scare me. They like to use Nazi Germany alot in their speeches as an example, but regardless of their supposed philosophies actual agendas or ideas, their very BEHAVIOR and psychological manner is akin to those who begin to carve out the pathways for ANY Fascist-like state, or any person desperate enough to join a cult: someone who is like you and me still a human, not evil, and not even corrupt and greedy in and of itself most of the time. Just a person whose scared of the future, and lost and confused like the rest of us. But negative personal experience or upbringing's teachings and nostalgias simply carve their mindset to leav towards hatred instead of acceptance, or at least cold understanding and distance at the very least. All the craziness and inactivity on the part of our government, and so many other things, causes them to get frantic, and Hollywood and politicians and pastors all continue with their rousing cry of NOW we must DO something!! NOW we must seek ACTION! Action is always nice to be a part of. It makes one feel like they are a part of history, doing something special to serve the world, even holy. Even though I am not an evangelist myself, I for one have to admire the idea behind their passion- imagine how MUCH would get actually done, if the world's people all were perfect and we all had this kind of supposed love and fervor that these pastors insist we feel? We'd all feel the SHEER NEED to take care of one another through charity, to gather money and resources from thousands of people, to achieve nearly anything with- for no other sake or reason save to share Jesus's or whatever entity name you's love. All we have to do is take action for ourselves...Except so much of that call for action is twisted for evil. Why we'd probably all be having forest colonies on the moon by now, and a cure for cancer. Except pastors are human, and patrons are human, and so are the rest of the folks round here. We're not perfect. We only see behind our own eyeballs, no matter how unified in spirit they say we can all be. That won't and never will happen, until respect and love is learned for EVERYONE, not just your neighbors in whatever relegious flock you belong to alone.
I feel like I myself have been raped with a dagger to the chest, and a diseased cock to the brain, when I see people writing on forums that I and my bi/homosexual peers have a genuine psychiatric disorder, and in which case, if such a disorder were real, instead of like any disorder thinking it ought to be cured with parental nurturing, therapy, and community involvement and talking sessions, that it can be cured with shock therapy, drugs, lobotomys, and Ludovic brainwashing techniques as seen in Clockwork Orange as nothing less would be able to break us of our habits. I am tired of seeing child rape and pornography, a guaranteed mostly heterosexually dominated world, being accused of being propogated by the gays. For all his flaws, I am sick of seeing people accuse my President of being somehow 'biased', on the basis that he has not been simply genuinely biased enough, and the media lauding people who are bluntly openly bigoted, racist, and homophobic, as 'having the balls to speak the truth and not be repressed by PC media tatics.' Having balls to state your opinion of something or someone is different than being a rude asshole who calls for the discrimination, subjugation, and outright murder of innocent people, no matter how disgusting or unlike you you may think they are compared with yourself.
I couldn't care less really if I were able to marry another girl as I already love a man and marriage in and of itself isn't the true means to declare one's eternal loyalty, it is the means to receive societal benefits, and nothing more. Marriage is a label and nothing more, a special little windvane you put on the roof of the house that you and your partner have built together over the years out of your caring for each other. Loving another person dearly in and of itself, against all life's difficult odds and in spite of all flaws shared between the both of you, is the real Love's true form.
What kind of pathetic hypocritic excuse for a girl am I, who pays money to charities that calls for an end to sex slavery, complains over wage discrimination, and demands from her boyfriend the desisting of words like whore, fag and cunt and 'my bitch' even in casual jest that itemize women and deeply dislikes/fears the Stepford Wife theory, but then in spite of this, goes on merely to fantasize exactly about that, drools savagely at mere thoughts of women, about literally possesing a whole harem of women or being possesed physically by or loyally serving a big strong man myself? If I don't think women are just meat objects, then why do I feel an impish twitch enter my brain if I see a porn mag or even just tv shows with pretty women simply IN them being held captive or manipulated psychologically in some manner?? How much of these desires were implanted inside of me by a patriarchial culture/childhood experiences, and how much are simply just symptoms of my bisexuality, or even just being a plain and and simple universal human urge that we hormonally all deal with? Is bisexuality, or any sexual orientation for that matter mostly cultural or genetic in origin? Is it a mixture of both? Why does my existence contradict itself?
Unfortunately, I don't see at the moment what I should do, with either option.
I am tired of so many people taking their own lives because they are gay, or because people force them to feel being labelled gay is a crime against existence, despite whether they are actually gay or not. I am mortified by the killings and persecution going on in Uganda. I am annoyed and amused of the idea beyond all absurdity that homosexuality has anything to do with Nazism, a movement that sought to completely eliminate every trace of any and all minorities and any societal scapegoat outcast it could lay eyes on. Yet so many people apparently belive this madness is true. I am ashamed to be a descendent of a relegion that I am, and guilty that I revel in the fact I am not more spiritual towards it because the most supposedly relegious men dominating our group have all turned into proprietors of ignorance, desutruction abroad, and hate. I am ashamed that here, IN NEW YORK for fuck's sake, is a man being even so much as ALLOWED to run, claiming that our kind are sufferers of a legitimate disease who need to be changed, yet he himself meanwhile sends ANIMAL PORN as a joke to his colleagues. I feel nauseated and hurt and depressed beyond all measure, and while I am hopingfor/pretty darn certain because of that blindness he will therefore suffer all the more in his poll turnouts, I know such a defeat will only stoke the fires under his allies bottoms even more. These people's attitudes really scare me. They like to use Nazi Germany alot in their speeches as an example, but regardless of their supposed philosophies actual agendas or ideas, their very BEHAVIOR and psychological manner is akin to those who begin to carve out the pathways for ANY Fascist-like state, or any person desperate enough to join a cult: someone who is like you and me still a human, not evil, and not even corrupt and greedy in and of itself most of the time. Just a person whose scared of the future, and lost and confused like the rest of us. But negative personal experience or upbringing's teachings and nostalgias simply carve their mindset to leav towards hatred instead of acceptance, or at least cold understanding and distance at the very least. All the craziness and inactivity on the part of our government, and so many other things, causes them to get frantic, and Hollywood and politicians and pastors all continue with their rousing cry of NOW we must DO something!! NOW we must seek ACTION! Action is always nice to be a part of. It makes one feel like they are a part of history, doing something special to serve the world, even holy. Even though I am not an evangelist myself, I for one have to admire the idea behind their passion- imagine how MUCH would get actually done, if the world's people all were perfect and we all had this kind of supposed love and fervor that these pastors insist we feel? We'd all feel the SHEER NEED to take care of one another through charity, to gather money and resources from thousands of people, to achieve nearly anything with- for no other sake or reason save to share Jesus's or whatever entity name you's love. All we have to do is take action for ourselves...Except so much of that call for action is twisted for evil. Why we'd probably all be having forest colonies on the moon by now, and a cure for cancer. Except pastors are human, and patrons are human, and so are the rest of the folks round here. We're not perfect. We only see behind our own eyeballs, no matter how unified in spirit they say we can all be. That won't and never will happen, until respect and love is learned for EVERYONE, not just your neighbors in whatever relegious flock you belong to alone.
I feel like I myself have been raped with a dagger to the chest, and a diseased cock to the brain, when I see people writing on forums that I and my bi/homosexual peers have a genuine psychiatric disorder, and in which case, if such a disorder were real, instead of like any disorder thinking it ought to be cured with parental nurturing, therapy, and community involvement and talking sessions, that it can be cured with shock therapy, drugs, lobotomys, and Ludovic brainwashing techniques as seen in Clockwork Orange as nothing less would be able to break us of our habits. I am tired of seeing child rape and pornography, a guaranteed mostly heterosexually dominated world, being accused of being propogated by the gays. For all his flaws, I am sick of seeing people accuse my President of being somehow 'biased', on the basis that he has not been simply genuinely biased enough, and the media lauding people who are bluntly openly bigoted, racist, and homophobic, as 'having the balls to speak the truth and not be repressed by PC media tatics.' Having balls to state your opinion of something or someone is different than being a rude asshole who calls for the discrimination, subjugation, and outright murder of innocent people, no matter how disgusting or unlike you you may think they are compared with yourself.
I couldn't care less really if I were able to marry another girl as I already love a man and marriage in and of itself isn't the true means to declare one's eternal loyalty, it is the means to receive societal benefits, and nothing more. Marriage is a label and nothing more, a special little windvane you put on the roof of the house that you and your partner have built together over the years out of your caring for each other. Loving another person dearly in and of itself, against all life's difficult odds and in spite of all flaws shared between the both of you, is the real Love's true form.
What kind of pathetic hypocritic excuse for a girl am I, who pays money to charities that calls for an end to sex slavery, complains over wage discrimination, and demands from her boyfriend the desisting of words like whore, fag and cunt and 'my bitch' even in casual jest that itemize women and deeply dislikes/fears the Stepford Wife theory, but then in spite of this, goes on merely to fantasize exactly about that, drools savagely at mere thoughts of women, about literally possesing a whole harem of women or being possesed physically by or loyally serving a big strong man myself? If I don't think women are just meat objects, then why do I feel an impish twitch enter my brain if I see a porn mag or even just tv shows with pretty women simply IN them being held captive or manipulated psychologically in some manner?? How much of these desires were implanted inside of me by a patriarchial culture/childhood experiences, and how much are simply just symptoms of my bisexuality, or even just being a plain and and simple universal human urge that we hormonally all deal with? Is bisexuality, or any sexual orientation for that matter mostly cultural or genetic in origin? Is it a mixture of both? Why does my existence contradict itself?