Turns out they were all just doubles.
So, this is what happened today:
I am asked a question at an inconvienent point in my day when I am extremely busy and I am preoccupied but I MUST make time for them, even when i really cannot or really don't want to speak with them right at this moment. I try to say I am busy, they demand the answer, I say I am not clearheaded right now, they say I am stupid and demand the answer louder. I calmly say the answer I know is right, the one I have said before a 100 times and maybe even have read or printed on paper in black and white somewhere. And immedietly, LITERALLY, just 100% absolutely I kid you not in their words, literally just because <> said it, my answer is disregarded as wrong, by EVERYONE. in my family circle. Then I am told something completely bogus that my gut tells me is nonsense and I argue this, and I am told I am an idiot. I wonder if they know already 'the answer' why did they ask me at all? I wonder if they already think I am always wrong, then why did they ask me and not someone else? If I ask either of these two questions, I know I shall get yelled at and told I am defensive and stupid. So I surrender out of frustration and because of the fact if I argue my answer, that will fuel them saying: 'See what an argumentative troublesome stubborn stupid person you are, debating the wrong thing as usual because you are too defensive to ever pause, look at yourself and accept how much you are flawed/wrong about X topic!' I know this is what they are gonna say, and so right as they actually begin to say it I just give up right off the bat. I say they are right. Then I begin to believe later on during the day that they maybe ARE right and I was wrong all this time even though my gut still says I was correct.. I begin to feel really dumb and hurt. I apologize. Then they say, usually on the sheer account <<>>> brought it up that I thought their answer was now RIGHT, that must (honest to god) mean now it is actually possibly WRONG!!, and they need to double check it, just to be sure. Then when it turns out I am completely right AFTERall, and THEY screwed the answer up, instead of admitting they were wrong, I AM blamed for agreeing with them and called an idiot!! When I say this what what I knew was wrong from the getgo, I am told I am an argumentative troublemaker. I get treated like a moron and patronizingly shooed away. Then the people who love me talk about me behind my back once again, about how I was 'wrong' from the getgo, or maybe even that I am socially retarded, should be on medication, or maybe I am already ON medication and sneaking illegal drugs in reality and maybe that's why i act so dumb, very loudly for another 2 hours while I sink deeper into embarassment, hurt, and misery, sulkily locked away hiding in my bedroom upstairs like a little kid during a time out. Then, instead of dying my hair black, shooting heroin, cutting up pentangles on my forearms with a razor and blasting a bunch of Fallout Boy CDS, I merely quietly try to escape into some dweebish fantasy novel, write a story, goof around on the internet, or numb myself with television so I don't have to be angry at anyone or think about any of it, because I know in the big scheme of things I am guilty of really absolutely nothing, I'd be wasting my energy, and there is no reason to hold any grudges against people who have done me no true harm. So I just sigh and go off into Lalaland and just pretend they're not still out there, arguing heatedly. Anger is too much energy for me, and afterall they are all only doing all of this because they LOVE me, yes? And then someone at some point breaks in, sees me on the computer, or watching cartoons, and remarks that this escapism is clear proof of my immaturity. And then slams the door. Goodnight Danielle. Tommorow's a brand new day.
Rinse. Repeat.
Every. Single. Day.
This all ironically in turn creates many lingering ACTUAL neuroses to develop over time that I must constantly battle to erase: An angsty self-indulgent miserable sense of self-hatred and questioning of my own sanity/intelligence. A habit of clamming up of ALL my thoughts, until somebody new comes along and with their affection pokes just one little hole in my shell, then in having the releif of somebody who understands, I suddenly spill out my guts and ramble emotions with little control and eventually scare them away. An over-riding antipathy/apathy for others. A really sweet silent sadistic pleasure whenever I watch other people I love horribly mess up and get put down for when they're wrong or underachieve. A deep-rooted fear of confronting strangers in a social and professional environment in the dread I will possibly say something stupid or do something foolish or forgetful or misinterpretedly perverted that will make them dislike me.
Because that is what always happens, within my family. I do wrong things, I merely AM wrong on every topic, and when I am right, I am wrong-minded for defending it. Then I get frustrated, and sometimes emotionally hysterically breakdown with the frustration. And that makes me look more than wrong, that makes me look stupid, and often possibly mentally demented, according to these people who are oh so well-schooled in healthy psychosis. And it happens constantly. Constantly. Constantly constantly constantly constantly. Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly. Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
Constantly constantly constantly constantly constantly.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is my autobiography. You know, I really needn't post much more down in here, technically. Cos that is all the bitching I have ever really wanted/needed to say. I just didn't have the concrete words for it/felt too embarassedly self-serving every time I typed it and so had it erased. Even during other trivial obstacles in my life that are completely unrelated to this issue, it is this exact cyclic problem that echoes in my mind during them, and causes my emotions and train of thought to often spin out of control. Suddenly it's no longer Danielle isn't fixing the remote control properly because she hasn't the right pieces, it's Danielle isn't able to fix the remote control properly BECAUSE SHE IS DUMB. SHE IS DUMB AND SHE ALWAYS WILL BE AND PEOPLE THINK SHE IS DUMB and other such equally stupidly pointless doubts and fears swim out of my mental abyss clogging up my concentration. And all this will go on daily in silence.
Meanwhile, there is a guilty feeling accompanying this, because I KNOW I am not truly dumb, that my family doesn't really feel that way, and my life is in reality still pretty good. I have so much to be happy for, and despite all their flaws, these people still do love and take good care of me, to say the least. Many cannot claim to that in this world, tragically. And so, in shame of my angst, THEN it becomes: "Danielle is dumb and selfish, everybody knows you are dumb and selfish..." Which leads to MORE lazy or childish escapism to drown out those negative thoughts, and so on and so on and so on.
That mess you see written up there, yeah, that's my personal life right in a basic nutshell. All the rest of it, what has been left unsaid, it's pretty fine and dandy. But then, you don't really use these livejournal things to post about how fine and dandy your daily life is, do you. More productive people use these journals for positive things, information or projects. I should take note. I am gonna do that from now on. Only mainly use this or another journal-blog whathave you for information and art posts, and/or light goofy material, or positive reaffirmations of people, leaving out all negative things completely, no matter how significant...
But then I suppose, I do need to kvetch down someplace, at least sometimes. I suppose everyone does it, at least once in a while. Its just I need to now do it less. Now that I've said all thats there to basically say. Most people usually post down here, so they can kvetch in silence. So they do not snap. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. I am not about to snap. Not at this time anyhow. I'm too lazy.
But here's a warning to you folks out there who just like to only put down others more than actually doing what they preach, or doing charity work, or keeping yer mouth shut, or praising others, or giving a simple hug and maybe a cooky once in a while, you people who grew up and forgot that all the people around you are also people with egos and feelings and personal doubts and fears:
Men have snapped over both far greater, and much much lesser, pettier things, than I have finally ranted about here today.