I want mah sheet! WHERE is mah sheet!?
Everyone has been in the kind of scenario I am sure where they are torn between kissing up to someone on account they could possibly land them great opportunity, and yet this person turns out at second glance to be a completely insane invidual and you don't know if it's worth it to deal with them at all. I think I've encountered a textbook example of this.
I have never before found a reason like everyone else in American pop culture and general collective unconcious to hate the French, nor even find them amusing to make fun of. I grew up on a lot of French culture, and took French classes because I honestly truly like the country. I know lots of people hate or mildly claim to dislike the French here, for various stereotypic reasons. Some claim its because of snobby attitude, or for their attitude on Iraq. I for one did not give a rats ass on the Iraq war, and now everyone's pretending that all along they KNEW how bad of an idea it was. But at the time, I felt either way how right or wrong Iraq's war was, the French hadn't any reason to be supportive for it ANYWAY as it wasn't really their business. It would be nice and all for any country's support, but they didn't get up and deliberately BOMB us for chrissake, so I felt there was no need for the overbearing contempt, at least to the fevor it had been.
Anyway, so I went at the Society of Illustrators to the Bill Plympton seminar, and while there I met a seemingly very nice old French lady who was in charge of some big European animation studio who was keen to set up an American base, to contribute to our lack of domestic animation studios and so she would not have to go abroad. It looked like an opportunity for networking better than any other, as Europe has ten times more artistic license and their governments unlike ours supports the animation field unconditionally, which is why so much variety and excess of animation and comicbooks and artwork come out of there, unlike here where everything is controlled by a few corporate distributors.
She seemed into my art very much, and when I brought some work up to show Bill Plympton one of my heroes and he criticized it, she got very angry. He wasn't being overly unfair, a bit anal on some details, but he wasn't an ass and said some honest points. I was a bit disappointed but I wasn't hurt and she took it to a whole other level and began ranting to me on the side what a monster my hero was. I told her I appreciated her flattery, but it was okay, I had asked him for critism, not blind compliments. She went on and on ignoring me, and instead got into a furious, nonstop, longwinded huge rant about Santa Claus, whom Bill had mocked satirically in one of his shorts (you can watch it here: www.plymptoons.com) and how his work was all completely sexist and dirtied the 'holy image' of an actual Saint. I tried to say to her that while I know Santa had a certain different origin, very few people now know of that holy image and icons no matter what ALWAYS change and get parodied over the centuries. The whole irony of the joke is that Santa is no matter what depiction he's in is 100 % NOT bad, that's what makes it funny, its just simply a way to give us a laugh at ourself a bit. Instead, she went on a whole class lecture about the TRUE santa claus who was a saint from Turkey. I thought maybe talking about history would deflate her anger toward Bill, so I told her also about Krampus, she immedietly said NO!! HE IS NOT REAL!! THAT'S ANOTHER LIE YOU STUPID AMERICANS MADE UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HISTORY AT ALL!
I said no, its actually a German folktale, and there are MANY takes on Santa archetypes, but-"NO NO NO, YOU AMERICANS, YOU RUINED HIM. YOU RUINED CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE!"
"Listen," I said, "I'm sorry, but Bill did not ruin anyone's innocence, and we're not the only country who sees Santa now the modern way. Maybe we invented the modern icon in the late 1900s or so, but nobody else's nation was FORCED to adopt it and make it a worldly symbol. It just grew popular, and it's not like we deliberately negated all the other foreign incarnations that still exist. Look, Bill's cartoons are just weird and obviously MEANT to offend you, its what makes it funny. It's PLAINLY for adults to laugh at and not children." And its not like kids who DO believe in Santa Claus obviously aren't disillusioned by all the mockeries and surely it's obvious that if a child DOES believe in him he/she isn't ACTUALLY purer or better than another less naieve child. She continued to ignore me, and casually nonstop hopped subjects about random historical BS and how many damn languges she spoke and how many countries she'd been to, and so she was 'cultured'. I guess me being 'a stupid American' she expected me to be astonished. I pretended to be idolant of her on that note, and did to some part agree on how badly current American culture butchered childhood animation/much of childhood's wonder altogether. So I gave her my artwork and contact info, in the hopes she was merely offended by Bill (and understandably I guess by some of his other more disgusting and 'sexist' things any conservative non-bisexual adult woman would be shocked by), and it was late and she's old and maybe she just was having a crazy tiresome night. Even if not, I could deal with someone who was a snooty egghead in exchange for some grand internship at a foreign animation company, I've dealt with egomaniac bosses before. Unfortunately, this was the LEAST I had heard of her.
She contacted me on the cellphone while I was on vacation. She first started rambling and praising me unbelievably well, and telling me how she LOVED my work SO much, and even hung my pictures in her office which while I was touched by, still felt like she was exaagerating my talents, and comparing me to Munch, and also just using her praise of me to continue scathingly to burn Plympton in comparison to me, and to burn Plympton's criticism of the weird way I drew mouths in my 'War' painting. When I told her my 'War' painting that reminded her of Munch was actually in part inspired by Pink Floyd the Wall, she got very bummed suddenly and resumed to diss Bill AND Pink Floyd the Wall. It's my personal opinion that you have the right to dislike an artist's subject, or his frosty attitude to others, but you can't just on that account alone deny he/she has actual artistic merit which you said they had in the first place. It's also my personal opinion you don't tell a person you JUST MET and then praised the hell out of that what they really love, one of their 'so-awesome' artwork's main inspirations or childhood muses is downright crap. Nor do you out of courtesy simply diss someone for not seeing that repeatedley. You say "Well I found it kinda offensive, or I found the style not very good. Anyways-" She said she didn't find his distinctly AMERICAN animation of any liking at all, but then you know thats utter BS since if she had never liked any of his art, or America, why'd she even ATTEND the meeting or come here? Then she began rambling on Santa Claus AGAIN. So to get off the phone after this rant of about 30 minutes now, after I could plainly see I had little to gain from talking with her, nor probably ever again, I said "Er, well, I am very flattered you like me, so get in touch if you see any positions open. Okay, goodby-"
"NO NO LISTEN. You AMERICANS, ALL OF YOUR animation is like his, all of your television shows and music are so fucked up! They are ALL SO STUPID, all they do is make fun of people, and have violence and nudity! Does it help anybody?"
"No but I think it's important to vent violent feelings or make fun of ourselves."
"BUT DOES IT HELP? Does it bring imagination or world peace into society?"
"Well maybe not, but neither does good clean stuff either necessarily and its always up to the viewer anyway if they see something worthwhile or-
"You're animation and movies and artists always are corrupting everything. All is nudity and violence with you."
"...excuse me? Begging your pardon, but you do realize, there is FAR more of that stuff b/c of the freedom your artists have in France, even in children's media. It isn't bad necessarily in adult media, and its not about having nudity or violence, it's about not having good acting or a meaningful story and that goes for any countr-"
"NO NO ITS ONLY YOU, ONLY YOU PEOPLE WITH YOUR SEXIST TRASH!! YOU CANNOT PRODUCE ANYTHING INNOCENT OR INTELLIGENT FOR CHILDREN."
"Well, yes, at least thats the truth on some levels, but that adult naughty stuff isn't MEANT for children to see here and its not sexist when the males are portrayed as bad ugly idiots and always get punished in the end for their lust like they do in Bill's work. There are some good and very clever things our country animation-wise did for kids and adults in the past too. There were many great cartoons in the 90s and there are many all OVER the world who've been artistically inspired by Disney and would not be artists today-
"DISNEY IS TRASH!"
"Okay, yea, it SORT of is on some levels, but the older classic beautiful movies, and Mickey Mouse-
"MICKEY MOUSE IS UTTER TRASH! HE SHOULD NOT EXIST! NEVER BEEN CREATED! ALL YOUR DISNEY CHARACTERS ARE TRASH AND DISNEYWORLD IS TRASH TOO. The only reason your kids are inspired by Disney, is because they are AMERICAN IDIOTS. We had The Petit Prince when i grew up! You don't have the Petit Prince do you? NOONE saw Mickey Mouse before, ALL THE LITTLE KIDS READ LEO TOLSTOY WHEN WE WERE LITTLE."
"Yes, yes, OK, except I read The Petit Prince as a kid too and I loved it also yknow, and little kids here read it for school all the time. But sure, whatever you say, none of your childhood friends ever knew Mickey Mouse, and they all were smarter cos they all only read War and Peace. Sure. Right. Okay, fine, you're correct, Mickey IS stupid. Look, a lot of other people in the olden days grew up on him, and many talented foreign artists worship Disney so what can ya do. Anyway, I apologize, lets not argue. I appreciate what you said before about my art. Can I get a-"
"YOU KNOW WHAT I HEARD? I HEARD SOMEONE GOT RAPED in the mid-west. Your violence and nudity caused it. Your Mickey Mouse and violent media causes people to rape each other like savages. There NEVER was rape here in this country before. You bring TV into other countries and now THEY'RE all raping each other."
"...Wait. WHAT?"
"There was NEVER rape or sex slavery ever before."
"Okay, you're crazy. It's the mid-west, it ALWAYS happens out there, cos its farmland in the middle of nowhere and sex voluntary or not is all most ppl probably HAVE do when in secret. But it's not just there, rape happens EVERYwhere, here or abroad. Women will get raped, it's a fact of life. It's just ppl are speaking more about it now and rapists are being more frequently discovered b/c of better investigations, and American society properly condemns it more strongly now so they'll obviously FIND more people cos they're being punished for once in the media. And internet and globalization have made child trafficking a bigger market, but sex slavery has always BEEN there, TV didn't cause it, just greedy evil people!! Don't tell me people don't get abused or killed or raped even MORE frequently in 3rd world countries where they don't have access to TV or media of ANY kind at all!"
"No, no, it wasn't like this before. You're American TV did it."
"Okay, well, those are some interesting opinions that you have. I am sorry we disagree with each other, you've given me lots to think on. Look, this has been a long conversation, my phone now is dying and-"
"You know, I am a FEMINIST, I fought for women in the 70s so you could have civil rights! I been to -X- amount of protests and I saw ___, and I went to ___ rally. I went to UN meetings! I speak 5, no, 10, no uh, 13 different languages! So I know better than you do, okay? Bill's sex humor offends me b/c it causes rape and I was raped once as a girl. DID YOU ever get RAPED?"
"Look I am sorry you were raped, I am sure you are hurting. It doesn't matter if I WAS or not. I think thats a very personal questi-"
"DID YOU EVER .GET. RAPED!?"
"Look that's a really offensive question and you shouldn't ask me that way. That's not any of your business."
"But DID YOU!?!?!"
"...jeezus....NO-"
"AHA!"
"-but my mom was-"
"*genuinely sorry *OH I am VERY sorry."
"-BUUUT, that happened many years ago, and its MOOT POINT. You aren't supposed to ask ppl that way, especially in that tone of voice and being RAPED of all things doesn't make you of authority to dictate what's proper for everyone else. And there are many across America who've been raped as you have been, and I am very sorry, but depicting a female in a bedroom on TV does not attract men to rape people. I think it's things like alcohol and mental abuse, and-"
"-YOU KNOW WHAT MY FATHER RAISED ME SMART! I watch FOREIGN media. Not your american media that causes you to RAPE PEOPLE. He told me about the pilgrims and who settled France during the 1500s, and I watch BELGIUM news! Your news is shit."
".....*so confused by what topic we're even on by now*...er...okay? Well, I don't like Fox news. I know CNN and all that is shit. I sometimes watch Chinese news and Belgian and Italian newscasts. Also BBC which I know isn't good, but it's better and Al-Jahzeerah-
"OMYGAWD ALJAZEERAH!? ALL THAT IS PROPOGANDA! YOU'RE A TERRORIST-
"...Not. THAT. AL-Jazeerah...the English one, and ALL news broadcasters are SOME form of propoganda, they're only HUMAN and....sigh. Look. I watch news only rarely, I don't take any political stuff seriously, I'm just a dumb art student, okay? Anyway, look my phone is dying and-
"MY FATHER SAT ME DOWN AND TOLD ME I COULD BE ANYTHING I WANT when I was growing up. My father was a great man, he told me about eh pilgrims how the pilgrims were____....bla bla bla...in 1637...and Martin Luther....and the Church....bla bla bla...and he ALSO told me to watch only liberal news media and only watch it in Belgian. Belgian media is the best. He also made me listen to only real radio programmes. And Asia ones. Asian countries like China NEVER censors its news stuff like you do..."
(here I've muffled laughter in the car. By this point, I am only listening to see how long this will go on for, cos she is NOT stopping for a second's pause, even when I put the phone down.)
".....WELL now!" I finally exhaustedly break in, bored of listening to her craziness. "That is some VERY interesting things you've told me about. I've sure learned a lot from you. I'll take it VERY into consideration. Please (don't) contact me if you need any help okay? My phone's dying (it really IS after all her talking by now) and so I'll hafta let you go now, alright?"
"OH SURE, SURE, YOU'RE PHONE IS DYING. Yes, well, alright. Sure of COURSE it is. You're phone is DYING. Let me go then."
"No really, I'm afraid it is. We're in the mountains now, and we can't get a good signal, and my battery has not been charged all day. So I'm going to say goodbye NOW before I am cut off from you mid sent-"
And right on cue, my phone actually really DOES get cut and die completely. God be praised.
I have never before found a reason like everyone else in American pop culture and general collective unconcious to hate the French, nor even find them amusing to make fun of. I grew up on a lot of French culture, and took French classes because I honestly truly like the country. I know lots of people hate or mildly claim to dislike the French here, for various stereotypic reasons. Some claim its because of snobby attitude, or for their attitude on Iraq. I for one did not give a rats ass on the Iraq war, and now everyone's pretending that all along they KNEW how bad of an idea it was. But at the time, I felt either way how right or wrong Iraq's war was, the French hadn't any reason to be supportive for it ANYWAY as it wasn't really their business. It would be nice and all for any country's support, but they didn't get up and deliberately BOMB us for chrissake, so I felt there was no need for the overbearing contempt, at least to the fevor it had been.
Anyway, so I went at the Society of Illustrators to the Bill Plympton seminar, and while there I met a seemingly very nice old French lady who was in charge of some big European animation studio who was keen to set up an American base, to contribute to our lack of domestic animation studios and so she would not have to go abroad. It looked like an opportunity for networking better than any other, as Europe has ten times more artistic license and their governments unlike ours supports the animation field unconditionally, which is why so much variety and excess of animation and comicbooks and artwork come out of there, unlike here where everything is controlled by a few corporate distributors.
She seemed into my art very much, and when I brought some work up to show Bill Plympton one of my heroes and he criticized it, she got very angry. He wasn't being overly unfair, a bit anal on some details, but he wasn't an ass and said some honest points. I was a bit disappointed but I wasn't hurt and she took it to a whole other level and began ranting to me on the side what a monster my hero was. I told her I appreciated her flattery, but it was okay, I had asked him for critism, not blind compliments. She went on and on ignoring me, and instead got into a furious, nonstop, longwinded huge rant about Santa Claus, whom Bill had mocked satirically in one of his shorts (you can watch it here: www.plymptoons.com) and how his work was all completely sexist and dirtied the 'holy image' of an actual Saint. I tried to say to her that while I know Santa had a certain different origin, very few people now know of that holy image and icons no matter what ALWAYS change and get parodied over the centuries. The whole irony of the joke is that Santa is no matter what depiction he's in is 100 % NOT bad, that's what makes it funny, its just simply a way to give us a laugh at ourself a bit. Instead, she went on a whole class lecture about the TRUE santa claus who was a saint from Turkey. I thought maybe talking about history would deflate her anger toward Bill, so I told her also about Krampus, she immedietly said NO!! HE IS NOT REAL!! THAT'S ANOTHER LIE YOU STUPID AMERICANS MADE UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HISTORY AT ALL!
I said no, its actually a German folktale, and there are MANY takes on Santa archetypes, but-"NO NO NO, YOU AMERICANS, YOU RUINED HIM. YOU RUINED CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE!"
"Listen," I said, "I'm sorry, but Bill did not ruin anyone's innocence, and we're not the only country who sees Santa now the modern way. Maybe we invented the modern icon in the late 1900s or so, but nobody else's nation was FORCED to adopt it and make it a worldly symbol. It just grew popular, and it's not like we deliberately negated all the other foreign incarnations that still exist. Look, Bill's cartoons are just weird and obviously MEANT to offend you, its what makes it funny. It's PLAINLY for adults to laugh at and not children." And its not like kids who DO believe in Santa Claus obviously aren't disillusioned by all the mockeries and surely it's obvious that if a child DOES believe in him he/she isn't ACTUALLY purer or better than another less naieve child. She continued to ignore me, and casually nonstop hopped subjects about random historical BS and how many damn languges she spoke and how many countries she'd been to, and so she was 'cultured'. I guess me being 'a stupid American' she expected me to be astonished. I pretended to be idolant of her on that note, and did to some part agree on how badly current American culture butchered childhood animation/much of childhood's wonder altogether. So I gave her my artwork and contact info, in the hopes she was merely offended by Bill (and understandably I guess by some of his other more disgusting and 'sexist' things any conservative non-bisexual adult woman would be shocked by), and it was late and she's old and maybe she just was having a crazy tiresome night. Even if not, I could deal with someone who was a snooty egghead in exchange for some grand internship at a foreign animation company, I've dealt with egomaniac bosses before. Unfortunately, this was the LEAST I had heard of her.
She contacted me on the cellphone while I was on vacation. She first started rambling and praising me unbelievably well, and telling me how she LOVED my work SO much, and even hung my pictures in her office which while I was touched by, still felt like she was exaagerating my talents, and comparing me to Munch, and also just using her praise of me to continue scathingly to burn Plympton in comparison to me, and to burn Plympton's criticism of the weird way I drew mouths in my 'War' painting. When I told her my 'War' painting that reminded her of Munch was actually in part inspired by Pink Floyd the Wall, she got very bummed suddenly and resumed to diss Bill AND Pink Floyd the Wall. It's my personal opinion that you have the right to dislike an artist's subject, or his frosty attitude to others, but you can't just on that account alone deny he/she has actual artistic merit which you said they had in the first place. It's also my personal opinion you don't tell a person you JUST MET and then praised the hell out of that what they really love, one of their 'so-awesome' artwork's main inspirations or childhood muses is downright crap. Nor do you out of courtesy simply diss someone for not seeing that repeatedley. You say "Well I found it kinda offensive, or I found the style not very good. Anyways-" She said she didn't find his distinctly AMERICAN animation of any liking at all, but then you know thats utter BS since if she had never liked any of his art, or America, why'd she even ATTEND the meeting or come here? Then she began rambling on Santa Claus AGAIN. So to get off the phone after this rant of about 30 minutes now, after I could plainly see I had little to gain from talking with her, nor probably ever again, I said "Er, well, I am very flattered you like me, so get in touch if you see any positions open. Okay, goodby-"
"NO NO LISTEN. You AMERICANS, ALL OF YOUR animation is like his, all of your television shows and music are so fucked up! They are ALL SO STUPID, all they do is make fun of people, and have violence and nudity! Does it help anybody?"
"No but I think it's important to vent violent feelings or make fun of ourselves."
"BUT DOES IT HELP? Does it bring imagination or world peace into society?"
"Well maybe not, but neither does good clean stuff either necessarily and its always up to the viewer anyway if they see something worthwhile or-
"You're animation and movies and artists always are corrupting everything. All is nudity and violence with you."
"...excuse me? Begging your pardon, but you do realize, there is FAR more of that stuff b/c of the freedom your artists have in France, even in children's media. It isn't bad necessarily in adult media, and its not about having nudity or violence, it's about not having good acting or a meaningful story and that goes for any countr-"
"NO NO ITS ONLY YOU, ONLY YOU PEOPLE WITH YOUR SEXIST TRASH!! YOU CANNOT PRODUCE ANYTHING INNOCENT OR INTELLIGENT FOR CHILDREN."
"Well, yes, at least thats the truth on some levels, but that adult naughty stuff isn't MEANT for children to see here and its not sexist when the males are portrayed as bad ugly idiots and always get punished in the end for their lust like they do in Bill's work. There are some good and very clever things our country animation-wise did for kids and adults in the past too. There were many great cartoons in the 90s and there are many all OVER the world who've been artistically inspired by Disney and would not be artists today-
"DISNEY IS TRASH!"
"Okay, yea, it SORT of is on some levels, but the older classic beautiful movies, and Mickey Mouse-
"MICKEY MOUSE IS UTTER TRASH! HE SHOULD NOT EXIST! NEVER BEEN CREATED! ALL YOUR DISNEY CHARACTERS ARE TRASH AND DISNEYWORLD IS TRASH TOO. The only reason your kids are inspired by Disney, is because they are AMERICAN IDIOTS. We had The Petit Prince when i grew up! You don't have the Petit Prince do you? NOONE saw Mickey Mouse before, ALL THE LITTLE KIDS READ LEO TOLSTOY WHEN WE WERE LITTLE."
"Yes, yes, OK, except I read The Petit Prince as a kid too and I loved it also yknow, and little kids here read it for school all the time. But sure, whatever you say, none of your childhood friends ever knew Mickey Mouse, and they all were smarter cos they all only read War and Peace. Sure. Right. Okay, fine, you're correct, Mickey IS stupid. Look, a lot of other people in the olden days grew up on him, and many talented foreign artists worship Disney so what can ya do. Anyway, I apologize, lets not argue. I appreciate what you said before about my art. Can I get a-"
"YOU KNOW WHAT I HEARD? I HEARD SOMEONE GOT RAPED in the mid-west. Your violence and nudity caused it. Your Mickey Mouse and violent media causes people to rape each other like savages. There NEVER was rape here in this country before. You bring TV into other countries and now THEY'RE all raping each other."
"...Wait. WHAT?"
"There was NEVER rape or sex slavery ever before."
"Okay, you're crazy. It's the mid-west, it ALWAYS happens out there, cos its farmland in the middle of nowhere and sex voluntary or not is all most ppl probably HAVE do when in secret. But it's not just there, rape happens EVERYwhere, here or abroad. Women will get raped, it's a fact of life. It's just ppl are speaking more about it now and rapists are being more frequently discovered b/c of better investigations, and American society properly condemns it more strongly now so they'll obviously FIND more people cos they're being punished for once in the media. And internet and globalization have made child trafficking a bigger market, but sex slavery has always BEEN there, TV didn't cause it, just greedy evil people!! Don't tell me people don't get abused or killed or raped even MORE frequently in 3rd world countries where they don't have access to TV or media of ANY kind at all!"
"No, no, it wasn't like this before. You're American TV did it."
"Okay, well, those are some interesting opinions that you have. I am sorry we disagree with each other, you've given me lots to think on. Look, this has been a long conversation, my phone now is dying and-"
"You know, I am a FEMINIST, I fought for women in the 70s so you could have civil rights! I been to -X- amount of protests and I saw ___, and I went to ___ rally. I went to UN meetings! I speak 5, no, 10, no uh, 13 different languages! So I know better than you do, okay? Bill's sex humor offends me b/c it causes rape and I was raped once as a girl. DID YOU ever get RAPED?"
"Look I am sorry you were raped, I am sure you are hurting. It doesn't matter if I WAS or not. I think thats a very personal questi-"
"DID YOU EVER .GET. RAPED!?"
"Look that's a really offensive question and you shouldn't ask me that way. That's not any of your business."
"But DID YOU!?!?!"
"...jeezus....NO-"
"AHA!"
"-but my mom was-"
"*genuinely sorry *OH I am VERY sorry."
"-BUUUT, that happened many years ago, and its MOOT POINT. You aren't supposed to ask ppl that way, especially in that tone of voice and being RAPED of all things doesn't make you of authority to dictate what's proper for everyone else. And there are many across America who've been raped as you have been, and I am very sorry, but depicting a female in a bedroom on TV does not attract men to rape people. I think it's things like alcohol and mental abuse, and-"
"-YOU KNOW WHAT MY FATHER RAISED ME SMART! I watch FOREIGN media. Not your american media that causes you to RAPE PEOPLE. He told me about the pilgrims and who settled France during the 1500s, and I watch BELGIUM news! Your news is shit."
".....*so confused by what topic we're even on by now*...er...okay? Well, I don't like Fox news. I know CNN and all that is shit. I sometimes watch Chinese news and Belgian and Italian newscasts. Also BBC which I know isn't good, but it's better and Al-Jahzeerah-
"OMYGAWD ALJAZEERAH!? ALL THAT IS PROPOGANDA! YOU'RE A TERRORIST-
"...Not. THAT. AL-Jazeerah...the English one, and ALL news broadcasters are SOME form of propoganda, they're only HUMAN and....sigh. Look. I watch news only rarely, I don't take any political stuff seriously, I'm just a dumb art student, okay? Anyway, look my phone is dying and-
"MY FATHER SAT ME DOWN AND TOLD ME I COULD BE ANYTHING I WANT when I was growing up. My father was a great man, he told me about eh pilgrims how the pilgrims were____....bla bla bla...in 1637...and Martin Luther....and the Church....bla bla bla...and he ALSO told me to watch only liberal news media and only watch it in Belgian. Belgian media is the best. He also made me listen to only real radio programmes. And Asia ones. Asian countries like China NEVER censors its news stuff like you do..."
(here I've muffled laughter in the car. By this point, I am only listening to see how long this will go on for, cos she is NOT stopping for a second's pause, even when I put the phone down.)
".....WELL now!" I finally exhaustedly break in, bored of listening to her craziness. "That is some VERY interesting things you've told me about. I've sure learned a lot from you. I'll take it VERY into consideration. Please (don't) contact me if you need any help okay? My phone's dying (it really IS after all her talking by now) and so I'll hafta let you go now, alright?"
"OH SURE, SURE, YOU'RE PHONE IS DYING. Yes, well, alright. Sure of COURSE it is. You're phone is DYING. Let me go then."
"No really, I'm afraid it is. We're in the mountains now, and we can't get a good signal, and my battery has not been charged all day. So I'm going to say goodbye NOW before I am cut off from you mid sent-"
And right on cue, my phone actually really DOES get cut and die completely. God be praised.