(no subject)
Shamelessly stolen from theferrett:
On Cunnilingus
At one point, my friends and I were discussing why babies have so much trouble breastfeeding. It struck me as a relatively simple task, and yet the babies can't seem to get a hang of it, causing undue stress for the mothers. I proclaimed that babies were stupid.
"Well, look at it from their perspective," said a friend. "You're trying to keep your lips on an area about the size of your mouth, but you're being held tighly and that area keeps darting from side to side. That's tough."
"Oh yeah?" I replied before I could help myself. "Ever gone down on a woman?"
See, I like cunnilingus. But it's gotta be one of the hardest common sexual acts in existence.
First of all, the problem with oral sex is that you have to figure out what area your partner likes to have stimulated. That's often difficult, because each vagina has a different configuration, and some women don't tell you where to go. Looking at a fresh pussy from a cunnilingus perspective is like scaling Mount Everest.
"Do we scale the western front and attempt to take the clitoris using the hood as a buffer, or do we mount a frontal assault and take the clitoris head-on?"
"But sirrah! What if this one prefers obverse stimulation?"
"Good point, Johnson. We may have to circle the peak and never actually touch the top. She's a tricky beast, but we'll master it!"
"Why, sirrah? Why do we do this?"
"Because she's there, Johnson. And because I want a hummer of my own later in the evening."
When you're dealing with penises, I agree there's a difference in styles and approach, but you at least know you're in the right area. You know that it's either the head or the shaft that needs to be stroked. You're never going to be merrily bobbing up and down on the shaft, only to be told that really, you should be licking his left thigh.
So once you've gotten past that difficulty, you then have the problem of remaining on target. Because if you do it right, there's a horrible thrashing and moaning and shouting. I know you're having a good time and all - and don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be there - but from the perspective of the lickee it's as if you're saying, "Oh my God! You've found the spot! And now, to make it harder, I'm going to do my damndest to yank this magic area away from your tongue!"
Even tougher, the legs are in the way. Oh, you can lift 'em up, put 'em over your shoulders, wrap 'em around your head... But the legs are thrashing behind you like dying fish, smacking into your side, wrenching you out of the way, or - the usual case - wedging you into a very narrow space.
I know it's a geek reference, but every time I go down on a woman and she locks her legs into place, I feel like Scotty wedging himself into a Jefferies tube.
Next thing you know, your neck is wrenched to one side in a way that would cause whiplash in lesser men. She convulses in pleasure, and your left arm is trapped underneath the wreckage of her left knee - let it go. You're getting close! She writhes, and now your right arm is about an inch and a half away from being dislocated, but you have to escort her to the orgasm she so richly deserves.
You're laying there, desperately trying to keep your lips affixed to this area - which may be no wider than a centimeter - as your partner thrashes like a rodeo machine gone berserk. Occasionally there's a backlash and you get smashed in the face by a big wet fleshy thing, your nose stinging... But you're committed. You're gonna stay in there, weaving your head back and forth to try and stay with her until she comes.
Then comes the orgasm. And not all women do this, but some do.
She starts to vibrate, and she uses every muscle in her body to shove you right up next to her vagina. Wow, she's strong. And now your lips are completely smashed up against her nether regions, your nose is flattened, and you have no oxygen whatsoever.
It's a race against time. Can you get her to come before you suffocate?
Headlines flash before your eyes: LOCAL MAN DIES IN CUNNILINGUS-RELATED ACCIDENT. You imagine your mother at the funeral, wringing her hands as she tries to find something to say to your friends.
"Well, at least he went doing what he loved best..."
She's strong, and you're not sure if you could push her away, seized as she is by the throes of a truly massive climax. You know that some mothers, seeing their children trapped beneath a Pontiac, have flipped a car over. You don't think she's quite at that level currently, but she could flip over a moped without effort. And those moped-flippin' legs are keeping you locked into place in a wrestling hold the WWE has yet to emulate.
What would happen if you tapped out, wrestler-style? Would she even notice?
You go faster, and she thinks it's because you're excited, but really it's because you're terrified.
Eventually, she's done. Your nose looks like it's been rubbed by a Brillo pad. Your tongue is numb, and it hurts to talk. But she's lying there, that dreamy look in her eyes, and you know that it was a job well done.
And God willing, she'll never know the torments she put you through in order to get you there.
I think every woman should have a lesbian experience, if only to understand what men go through.
{/ferrett}
Now, mayhap, some of you will understand why sometimes we're reluctant. It's not because we don't want to please you. It's because we don't want to die.
{/me}
On Cunnilingus
At one point, my friends and I were discussing why babies have so much trouble breastfeeding. It struck me as a relatively simple task, and yet the babies can't seem to get a hang of it, causing undue stress for the mothers. I proclaimed that babies were stupid.
"Well, look at it from their perspective," said a friend. "You're trying to keep your lips on an area about the size of your mouth, but you're being held tighly and that area keeps darting from side to side. That's tough."
"Oh yeah?" I replied before I could help myself. "Ever gone down on a woman?"
See, I like cunnilingus. But it's gotta be one of the hardest common sexual acts in existence.
First of all, the problem with oral sex is that you have to figure out what area your partner likes to have stimulated. That's often difficult, because each vagina has a different configuration, and some women don't tell you where to go. Looking at a fresh pussy from a cunnilingus perspective is like scaling Mount Everest.
"Do we scale the western front and attempt to take the clitoris using the hood as a buffer, or do we mount a frontal assault and take the clitoris head-on?"
"But sirrah! What if this one prefers obverse stimulation?"
"Good point, Johnson. We may have to circle the peak and never actually touch the top. She's a tricky beast, but we'll master it!"
"Why, sirrah? Why do we do this?"
"Because she's there, Johnson. And because I want a hummer of my own later in the evening."
When you're dealing with penises, I agree there's a difference in styles and approach, but you at least know you're in the right area. You know that it's either the head or the shaft that needs to be stroked. You're never going to be merrily bobbing up and down on the shaft, only to be told that really, you should be licking his left thigh.
So once you've gotten past that difficulty, you then have the problem of remaining on target. Because if you do it right, there's a horrible thrashing and moaning and shouting. I know you're having a good time and all - and don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be there - but from the perspective of the lickee it's as if you're saying, "Oh my God! You've found the spot! And now, to make it harder, I'm going to do my damndest to yank this magic area away from your tongue!"
Even tougher, the legs are in the way. Oh, you can lift 'em up, put 'em over your shoulders, wrap 'em around your head... But the legs are thrashing behind you like dying fish, smacking into your side, wrenching you out of the way, or - the usual case - wedging you into a very narrow space.
I know it's a geek reference, but every time I go down on a woman and she locks her legs into place, I feel like Scotty wedging himself into a Jefferies tube.
Next thing you know, your neck is wrenched to one side in a way that would cause whiplash in lesser men. She convulses in pleasure, and your left arm is trapped underneath the wreckage of her left knee - let it go. You're getting close! She writhes, and now your right arm is about an inch and a half away from being dislocated, but you have to escort her to the orgasm she so richly deserves.
You're laying there, desperately trying to keep your lips affixed to this area - which may be no wider than a centimeter - as your partner thrashes like a rodeo machine gone berserk. Occasionally there's a backlash and you get smashed in the face by a big wet fleshy thing, your nose stinging... But you're committed. You're gonna stay in there, weaving your head back and forth to try and stay with her until she comes.
Then comes the orgasm. And not all women do this, but some do.
She starts to vibrate, and she uses every muscle in her body to shove you right up next to her vagina. Wow, she's strong. And now your lips are completely smashed up against her nether regions, your nose is flattened, and you have no oxygen whatsoever.
It's a race against time. Can you get her to come before you suffocate?
Headlines flash before your eyes: LOCAL MAN DIES IN CUNNILINGUS-RELATED ACCIDENT. You imagine your mother at the funeral, wringing her hands as she tries to find something to say to your friends.
"Well, at least he went doing what he loved best..."
She's strong, and you're not sure if you could push her away, seized as she is by the throes of a truly massive climax. You know that some mothers, seeing their children trapped beneath a Pontiac, have flipped a car over. You don't think she's quite at that level currently, but she could flip over a moped without effort. And those moped-flippin' legs are keeping you locked into place in a wrestling hold the WWE has yet to emulate.
What would happen if you tapped out, wrestler-style? Would she even notice?
You go faster, and she thinks it's because you're excited, but really it's because you're terrified.
Eventually, she's done. Your nose looks like it's been rubbed by a Brillo pad. Your tongue is numb, and it hurts to talk. But she's lying there, that dreamy look in her eyes, and you know that it was a job well done.
And God willing, she'll never know the torments she put you through in order to get you there.
I think every woman should have a lesbian experience, if only to understand what men go through.
{/ferrett}
Now, mayhap, some of you will understand why sometimes we're reluctant. It's not because we don't want to please you. It's because we don't want to die.
{/me}