If wishes were horses.
I think I'm tired of fighting.
Not just myself, everything. No, myself and everything in between. I don't know quite how to describe it except:
I'm tired. Exhausted.
For some inexplicable reason.
Maybe the culmination of this past year, realizing I will never be perfect, or I am perfect, or there is no perfect because everything is perfect. These things sound beautiful, and peaceful. They sound Zen and centred and whole. But I don't want it, I can't accept it, and I fight even that. I don't know to the core of my being that I can't be the absolute best.
Saying I am good enough just the way I am brings me to tears.
I hurt people, I hurt myself, I act rashly, stupidly, predictably and unpredictably. I act in a variety of ways that are not good enough for myself. Yet I act.
I can accept the faults of others, the failures, the pains inflicted and taken. I can accept them because I have alienated myself and see myself as not of this world, inhuman, destined to forever be apart from my own race.
I don't believe in my own death.
I believe I can do absolutely anything I want.
"I believe in nothing/everything is sacred"
"I believe in everything/nothing is sacred"
I believe I can save the world.
I believe I am a paradox.
Though I wish I could believe in the other sides of what I believe, sometimes, and really mean it.
I believe in love, for everyone except myself.
I believe that this moment is sacred, but I can't sit still to experience it.
I believe that everything is perfect, because perfection is evolution and transformation; but I am not perfect because there is no end in sight.
At some point, am I going to have to just give up? How can I make the struggle into a labour of love that does not destroy who I am, yet transforms me?
How can I make myself believe the things I wish I believed.
Not just myself, everything. No, myself and everything in between. I don't know quite how to describe it except:
I'm tired. Exhausted.
For some inexplicable reason.
Maybe the culmination of this past year, realizing I will never be perfect, or I am perfect, or there is no perfect because everything is perfect. These things sound beautiful, and peaceful. They sound Zen and centred and whole. But I don't want it, I can't accept it, and I fight even that. I don't know to the core of my being that I can't be the absolute best.
Saying I am good enough just the way I am brings me to tears.
I hurt people, I hurt myself, I act rashly, stupidly, predictably and unpredictably. I act in a variety of ways that are not good enough for myself. Yet I act.
I can accept the faults of others, the failures, the pains inflicted and taken. I can accept them because I have alienated myself and see myself as not of this world, inhuman, destined to forever be apart from my own race.
I don't believe in my own death.
I believe I can do absolutely anything I want.
"I believe in nothing/everything is sacred"
"I believe in everything/nothing is sacred"
I believe I can save the world.
I believe I am a paradox.
Though I wish I could believe in the other sides of what I believe, sometimes, and really mean it.
I believe in love, for everyone except myself.
I believe that this moment is sacred, but I can't sit still to experience it.
I believe that everything is perfect, because perfection is evolution and transformation; but I am not perfect because there is no end in sight.
At some point, am I going to have to just give up? How can I make the struggle into a labour of love that does not destroy who I am, yet transforms me?
How can I make myself believe the things I wish I believed.