I think I'm scared.

[spinto]

I'm quickly heading towards middle-class-dom, and it scares me. A lot. Don't misunderstand me, I love Charlene, and I'm happy with my life. But I always expected something more. Something special. Like to cure cancer. It's just very mellowing to wake up one day and realize, "I'm never going to cure cancer." Not that I have any great desire

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[spinto]

I'm sorry if you took it that way, baby.

I didn't mean that at all. I just meant that I'm scared, because life isn't turning out the way I expected. It's not like it happens in the movie where everyday something amazing happens. Well, that's not entirely true, because everyday I wake up and go to bed next to you which is pretty freakin' amazing.

I just meant that when I'm dead and gone, I'm probably not going to be remembered 50 years later, and that's very sobering. Do I have some regret that I made decisions that keep me from being better paid and possibly more productive to society? Well, yes and no. If I'd still end up with you I'd change them in a heartbeat so I could do more for you. On the other hand, I'd rather be with you where we are in this position than without you.

That post was a journal entry, a true one. I was discussing how I felt about myself, not about you.

It's ironic really. Everyday I feel that if I was willing to take risks I'd be able to eventually come out on top and be quite successful. I believe I'm intelligent and charismatic enough to find something that will work for me. However, I'm not willing to take those risks because I don't want to bring you down with me when I fail, and I'm certain that I would fail several times before I would succeed. So sometimes I wish that I thought the way I do now before I met you, so I could have gone through those trials and tribulations first and then brought you on board when things were going well, and then I realize that I wouldn't think the way I do and be as brave and have the motivation without you. It's a somewhat twisted web.

But, the main purpose of this comment is to say that I love you, and there's nothing I would change or trade if it meant I would hurt, lose or not be with you. I guess what I was really trying to say was that I wish I were a better man for you. A better provider, and could do more for you.

You, ma'am, are the very reason I want to be a better man, so please don't be hurt by what I said.