So yeah, I should be asleep, however.........
I find that I cannot. Too many things on my mind right now. There's a few of them, that's for sure. I guess I could just start ticking them off in a list-type thing....
1--I agreed (in principal) to take the General Manager position at the Seguin Dominos. I knew that no one else in SM that has GM experince, which I think is pretty much all MITs (I think except for Jenn) and one of the drivers have would take it. So of course it fell to me. I mean that is what I'm in training for isn't it, although it sure as hell wasn't for to end up with the mess that Seguin is in right now. No one seems to want to take the hefty job of turning that store around....like that's going to be a fucking walk in the park. It needs so much work, that when I was told that "Its not going to take much" I knew it was sugarcoating to try and convince me. I don't think I really had much of a choice though. Who else would take it? Amber? I do not think so! That child cannot run a successful dayshift yet, but she can close and she is steady...hence why we keep her around. But with Becca putting her two weeks almost two weeks ago and Felicia deciding to DUMP the fucking position she fought to get, things aren't that postiive looking. But apparently, its up to me to be a "patch job" and get the store back to Jess Saenz status, when she was there. I know that's what they want, although that's not what they're telling me. I wish they just would tell me, and not beat around the bush. Speaking of that, well, I've been doing that as well with some other topics, but I'll get to that later on.
I went to Seguin tonight, just to see how things were. I was so enraged when I got there, I couldn't finish taking the notes that I had started. Its like nobody in that fucking store gives a damn! Its like they're there just for the paycheck and to hell with everything else. Granted, that's why alot of people work, but when you're running a shift, its up to you to project a positive atittude!! If you're not giving a fuck, why should anyone else? So what if you're having a bad day...you have to leave that behind you when you walk in the door and then deal with it when you walk out the store. Ok that sounded like something Gina has said verbatium, but it applies here. I mean, I get back to SM to give them the wings they were owed and I just lost it. I mean I lost it to the point that I was pounding on Billy's arm in just unrestricted rage. *For that I apologize Billy* And then I lost it, emotionally. I know I've felt rage that bad before, and it wasn't pretty then, but I don't think I've ever completely lost it over something that seems so fucking trivial to the point that I"m in tears. I don't cry often, but when I do, there's something so completely fucked up that there's nothing else left for to do but cry...and even then that didn't work. It took ranting to two other people--my mom and Chandler, accompanied by alot of rum and alot of alone time to ponder and reflect into the wee hours for me to calm down to a reasonable level. I'm still not happy about my situation.
I feel as I've jumped into a pit of snakes and unlike Indiana Jones, I have no fire to light my way, nor no statue to climb on to try and stay away from them. I'm just there as their next meal...and I'm going to suffer the entire time. I know that getting that store up on the straight,narrow, and positive wasn't going to be an overnight success story. It was going to take alot of work. And basically me putting foot to ass to get some shit done. I just don't know that I'm the right person for the job as this point in time. Sure, Gina, Eileen and some of the staff from SM would be there to help me along, but at the same time, I feel its goign to be nails on a chalkboard to the current staff in Seguin. When I left there, I guess you could say that I was the Queen Bitch. I may not have gotten respect, but people listened to me when I had something constructive to say and usually would do it. Granted, there were a few exceptions to the rule, and I've had to deal with them accordingly. But that's the way it is in Seguin. The managers do all the work essentially, and the rest is like a supporting cast who just is there to see you fail.
And I can't take failure. I do not see it as an option...never have. But I'm scared that THAT is exactly what is going to happen there, I'm going to fail...fall flat on my face and have people laugh at me because I got sent in to stop the bleeding and all I did was rub salt in the wound and made it fester. People see me as this person with a strong personality, but what they do not see is this fragile girl hiding behind a facade. I'm not strong minded--I can't take a sow's ear and turn it into a silk purse. I don't possess that ability...I don't believe I ever have. I just don't like for people to see me as weak...because when they see the weakness in me, they pounce on it, and I fall for it like a rock thrown into the water.
And this is where I tie in the other topic that's on mind. My ability, or rather INability to communicate thoroughly and clearly with the opposite sex...especially when it comes to the whole relationship type thing. There's this guy that I work with who admitted to me that he liked me and had for awhile now. At the time, I wasn't ready for something like that.....but apparently, I messed up in my way of saying it. I wanted to let him know that I didn't see him that way, but really as the guy that I could love forever as my confidant and best friend. But as usual, I let my excessively large vocabulary horribly contort the line I was trying to draw to the point that it came across as a "not right now, but perhaps later" type of thing. Actually, I think I did say that...in some shape or form.
I've never been able to accurately talk to a guy about emotions when they were the subject of them. I've had guy friends in the past who was were just absolutely wonderful for me to bounce things off of and get some insight on how I could become a better individual and not seem so superficial or to the point of frigidity. But what most people around here don't understand is that when it comes to the whole dating scene, well, I'm just not good at it. I'm twenty-five years old, and I've had what....TWO boyfriends? I'm never the girl that gets the guys, I'm always the girl that they can hang out, watch football and drink beer with. Like I said earlier, I come across with this whole Bitch mentality, but I'm not like that. I have my reasons for being like that. I'm a more guarded individual than most people think. And when I'm around a guy, or a group of guys, unless I know them, or know their type, I clam up and don't say a fucking word. I get really really shy and flustered like a little high school nerdy girl. *which I was*
And while he's been an awesome person to me lately, letting me rant to my hearts content when the need arose or was just there to put a smile on my face, which he prone to do, I feel that lately he's been a bit cold to me. I mean, its not plainly obvious to some people, but alot of the warmth that I saw in him day after day, well, its gone. I would say that I don't mind it, but I do. Its actually got me in the mindset that I fucked something up. And perhaps I did. No, its not a perhaps, its for certain. I just wish I could convey to him excatly what I'm feeling. But I can't even admit that to myself. And if I can't get in sync with myself, how I am going to be able to be in sync with someone else? I just don't see it as a possibility. And if I lose respect for it, well, I have no one to blame but myself...because I brought this upon myself...I have to take responsibility for my own uselessness.
Yeah, of course I always say that this is not going to be a self-serving type of thing. And of course it always is. But if I don't have an outlet for my emotions, well, you know the whole shpill. If you don't know, well, maybe you should take the time to ask me why I feel I have to empty my soul whenever I am on here. I'm just that type of girl--take it or leave it.
1--I agreed (in principal) to take the General Manager position at the Seguin Dominos. I knew that no one else in SM that has GM experince, which I think is pretty much all MITs (I think except for Jenn) and one of the drivers have would take it. So of course it fell to me. I mean that is what I'm in training for isn't it, although it sure as hell wasn't for to end up with the mess that Seguin is in right now. No one seems to want to take the hefty job of turning that store around....like that's going to be a fucking walk in the park. It needs so much work, that when I was told that "Its not going to take much" I knew it was sugarcoating to try and convince me. I don't think I really had much of a choice though. Who else would take it? Amber? I do not think so! That child cannot run a successful dayshift yet, but she can close and she is steady...hence why we keep her around. But with Becca putting her two weeks almost two weeks ago and Felicia deciding to DUMP the fucking position she fought to get, things aren't that postiive looking. But apparently, its up to me to be a "patch job" and get the store back to Jess Saenz status, when she was there. I know that's what they want, although that's not what they're telling me. I wish they just would tell me, and not beat around the bush. Speaking of that, well, I've been doing that as well with some other topics, but I'll get to that later on.
I went to Seguin tonight, just to see how things were. I was so enraged when I got there, I couldn't finish taking the notes that I had started. Its like nobody in that fucking store gives a damn! Its like they're there just for the paycheck and to hell with everything else. Granted, that's why alot of people work, but when you're running a shift, its up to you to project a positive atittude!! If you're not giving a fuck, why should anyone else? So what if you're having a bad day...you have to leave that behind you when you walk in the door and then deal with it when you walk out the store. Ok that sounded like something Gina has said verbatium, but it applies here. I mean, I get back to SM to give them the wings they were owed and I just lost it. I mean I lost it to the point that I was pounding on Billy's arm in just unrestricted rage. *For that I apologize Billy* And then I lost it, emotionally. I know I've felt rage that bad before, and it wasn't pretty then, but I don't think I've ever completely lost it over something that seems so fucking trivial to the point that I"m in tears. I don't cry often, but when I do, there's something so completely fucked up that there's nothing else left for to do but cry...and even then that didn't work. It took ranting to two other people--my mom and Chandler, accompanied by alot of rum and alot of alone time to ponder and reflect into the wee hours for me to calm down to a reasonable level. I'm still not happy about my situation.
I feel as I've jumped into a pit of snakes and unlike Indiana Jones, I have no fire to light my way, nor no statue to climb on to try and stay away from them. I'm just there as their next meal...and I'm going to suffer the entire time. I know that getting that store up on the straight,narrow, and positive wasn't going to be an overnight success story. It was going to take alot of work. And basically me putting foot to ass to get some shit done. I just don't know that I'm the right person for the job as this point in time. Sure, Gina, Eileen and some of the staff from SM would be there to help me along, but at the same time, I feel its goign to be nails on a chalkboard to the current staff in Seguin. When I left there, I guess you could say that I was the Queen Bitch. I may not have gotten respect, but people listened to me when I had something constructive to say and usually would do it. Granted, there were a few exceptions to the rule, and I've had to deal with them accordingly. But that's the way it is in Seguin. The managers do all the work essentially, and the rest is like a supporting cast who just is there to see you fail.
And I can't take failure. I do not see it as an option...never have. But I'm scared that THAT is exactly what is going to happen there, I'm going to fail...fall flat on my face and have people laugh at me because I got sent in to stop the bleeding and all I did was rub salt in the wound and made it fester. People see me as this person with a strong personality, but what they do not see is this fragile girl hiding behind a facade. I'm not strong minded--I can't take a sow's ear and turn it into a silk purse. I don't possess that ability...I don't believe I ever have. I just don't like for people to see me as weak...because when they see the weakness in me, they pounce on it, and I fall for it like a rock thrown into the water.
And this is where I tie in the other topic that's on mind. My ability, or rather INability to communicate thoroughly and clearly with the opposite sex...especially when it comes to the whole relationship type thing. There's this guy that I work with who admitted to me that he liked me and had for awhile now. At the time, I wasn't ready for something like that.....but apparently, I messed up in my way of saying it. I wanted to let him know that I didn't see him that way, but really as the guy that I could love forever as my confidant and best friend. But as usual, I let my excessively large vocabulary horribly contort the line I was trying to draw to the point that it came across as a "not right now, but perhaps later" type of thing. Actually, I think I did say that...in some shape or form.
I've never been able to accurately talk to a guy about emotions when they were the subject of them. I've had guy friends in the past who was were just absolutely wonderful for me to bounce things off of and get some insight on how I could become a better individual and not seem so superficial or to the point of frigidity. But what most people around here don't understand is that when it comes to the whole dating scene, well, I'm just not good at it. I'm twenty-five years old, and I've had what....TWO boyfriends? I'm never the girl that gets the guys, I'm always the girl that they can hang out, watch football and drink beer with. Like I said earlier, I come across with this whole Bitch mentality, but I'm not like that. I have my reasons for being like that. I'm a more guarded individual than most people think. And when I'm around a guy, or a group of guys, unless I know them, or know their type, I clam up and don't say a fucking word. I get really really shy and flustered like a little high school nerdy girl. *which I was*
And while he's been an awesome person to me lately, letting me rant to my hearts content when the need arose or was just there to put a smile on my face, which he prone to do, I feel that lately he's been a bit cold to me. I mean, its not plainly obvious to some people, but alot of the warmth that I saw in him day after day, well, its gone. I would say that I don't mind it, but I do. Its actually got me in the mindset that I fucked something up. And perhaps I did. No, its not a perhaps, its for certain. I just wish I could convey to him excatly what I'm feeling. But I can't even admit that to myself. And if I can't get in sync with myself, how I am going to be able to be in sync with someone else? I just don't see it as a possibility. And if I lose respect for it, well, I have no one to blame but myself...because I brought this upon myself...I have to take responsibility for my own uselessness.
Yeah, of course I always say that this is not going to be a self-serving type of thing. And of course it always is. But if I don't have an outlet for my emotions, well, you know the whole shpill. If you don't know, well, maybe you should take the time to ask me why I feel I have to empty my soul whenever I am on here. I'm just that type of girl--take it or leave it.