Bleh...
I'm tired. And hormonal.
I called Phillip tonight. Things seemed normal. I'm sorry to be posting about this so much; I must sound like an obsessed freak... but seriously, the last time he called me was probably a week ago or more. Why? I keep getting this feeling like he's not that interested in me right now. Sure, he sent me a cute (not to mention expensive) teddy bear for Valentine's Day, and on the card it said "I love you & can't wait till you come up here", but still... actions speak louder than bears and words. For some reason, when he was out at the Wire, he'd call me more, it seemed. It could've just been my imagination, though, since I wasn't expecting any phone calls, really.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the one to call. The one to try to keep things together. I'm tired of being the first one to say "I love you" at the end of a conversation. I'm tired of wondering if I'm being taken for granted.
Does any of this mean anything? Yes and no. I'm certainly not going to do anything drastic like break up with him or something. I'm very much still in love with him and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. But at the same time, I'm trying right now to guard my heart more than I have in the past; I'm trying to be more independent and focus on making myself well-rounded instead of always obsessing over my relationship and nothing else. I'm going out of town Thursday through Saturday, so that's a good thing. And my second job (which I technically started today) will also help.
I just know that IF things don't work out this time around (not saying they won't, but it's not like any other relationship of mine has lasted this long), I'm going to be more prepared. I'm not going to be someone who just clings to a dead relationship and shuts myself in my room for days crying. I've already decided that if for some reason things didn't work out with Phillip, I'm going to join the Peace Corps. Seriously.
I know this all sounds gloom and doom and like I'm practically planning for things not to work out. Sure, I might be a bit on the pessimistic side, but it's hard not to be when I've had so many relationships not work out, and I've never had one last this long.
It's just hard sometimes to believe that love can last. I'm not trying to jinx anything or not have faith (and if I didn't have faith things would work out, this relationship wouldn't have even gotten off the ground to begin with)... it's just really hard at times like these, when I won't see him for another almost three months, and it feels like he doesn't even miss me.
I keep telling myself to just wait and let him call me. But then I ask myself if I really want to do that, since all it'll really do is make me more frustrated. It's not like he doesn't answer when I call him. It's not like he won't talk to me. But still... *sigh* it'd be nice if he called me more.
Anyway, that's all for tonight. Sorry I'm rambly and whiny. I need sleep.
I called Phillip tonight. Things seemed normal. I'm sorry to be posting about this so much; I must sound like an obsessed freak... but seriously, the last time he called me was probably a week ago or more. Why? I keep getting this feeling like he's not that interested in me right now. Sure, he sent me a cute (not to mention expensive) teddy bear for Valentine's Day, and on the card it said "I love you & can't wait till you come up here", but still... actions speak louder than bears and words. For some reason, when he was out at the Wire, he'd call me more, it seemed. It could've just been my imagination, though, since I wasn't expecting any phone calls, really.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the one to call. The one to try to keep things together. I'm tired of being the first one to say "I love you" at the end of a conversation. I'm tired of wondering if I'm being taken for granted.
Does any of this mean anything? Yes and no. I'm certainly not going to do anything drastic like break up with him or something. I'm very much still in love with him and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. But at the same time, I'm trying right now to guard my heart more than I have in the past; I'm trying to be more independent and focus on making myself well-rounded instead of always obsessing over my relationship and nothing else. I'm going out of town Thursday through Saturday, so that's a good thing. And my second job (which I technically started today) will also help.
I just know that IF things don't work out this time around (not saying they won't, but it's not like any other relationship of mine has lasted this long), I'm going to be more prepared. I'm not going to be someone who just clings to a dead relationship and shuts myself in my room for days crying. I've already decided that if for some reason things didn't work out with Phillip, I'm going to join the Peace Corps. Seriously.
I know this all sounds gloom and doom and like I'm practically planning for things not to work out. Sure, I might be a bit on the pessimistic side, but it's hard not to be when I've had so many relationships not work out, and I've never had one last this long.
It's just hard sometimes to believe that love can last. I'm not trying to jinx anything or not have faith (and if I didn't have faith things would work out, this relationship wouldn't have even gotten off the ground to begin with)... it's just really hard at times like these, when I won't see him for another almost three months, and it feels like he doesn't even miss me.
I keep telling myself to just wait and let him call me. But then I ask myself if I really want to do that, since all it'll really do is make me more frustrated. It's not like he doesn't answer when I call him. It's not like he won't talk to me. But still... *sigh* it'd be nice if he called me more.
Anyway, that's all for tonight. Sorry I'm rambly and whiny. I need sleep.