(no subject)
The mystery is solved! Well, somewhat, anyway.
He called me tonight, at around 9:15. I was way out in Peachy Canyon, so I knew I wouldn't get good reception through the whole ride home, so I told him to call me back in half an hour. He did, quite promptly, might I add. And he had figured some things out, apparently.
He said that he's interested in going into RTT Forces, which... I forgot what it stands for, but it's some sort of react team that is supposed to get bad guys out of the buildings where the nuclear missiles are if they somehow get past the first react team and make it into those buildings. Which means, if he's on that team and bad guys find their way into a building he is in, his life expectancy is like 12 seconds, he says. And... well, he doesn't want to put anyone through the kind of emotional stress that happens when a loved one dies. I told him that that's not his decision to make, and that it's too late, I already decided I wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, no matter how short it may be. He seems to think that I don't quite grasp how hard it would be if he did die, and I probably don't, but I do have faith that God would take care of me and I'd be okay. I have already taken these things into consideration, I mean shoot, when he went into boot camp I was thinking about what might happen to him and whether I'd be able to handle marrying someone who might die in the Marines. I've made up my mind already, and I'm willing to take that risk. I told him that tonight. I told him that loving someone always comes with the risk of losing that person, and it's a risk I want to take, because I sure as hell don't want to miss out on any part of his life, especially if it's going to be shortened by him being in the Marines. I told him I want to take that risk, but he has to let me. I think what he doesn't realise is that even if he did break up with me, I would continue loving him, and it would still be just as painful for me if he were to die, regardless of if we were together at the time or not. I won't stop loving him, and he can't stop me.
He explained also that he was feeling the way he was, too, because it seemed to him like I was so attached to him... and I am, of course, but he is right, I was too attached to him for awhile. I apologised to him for that, and I apologised for not having been the girlfriend I ought to have been to him for awhile now, and that I've realised I was too attached, and that God has really helped me to refocus myself on my relationship with Him and not so much on my relationship with Phillip. I need to have a healthy balance, and I told Phillip that I'm working on that. I'm glad he did call me on it, too, because I did owe him an apology. He owes me an apology or two, himself, for how he has treated me and acted towards me these past couple weeks... but I am going to wait for him to figure that out himself and come to me when he's ready to apologise.
Oh, and when we were saying goodbye tonight, I said "I love you" to him and he said it back.
I have a really good feeling about everything right now. I know God is big enough to conquer any problems between Phillip and me, and I am willing to give it time. God has been drilling it into me so much for the past few days that I just need to be PATIENT, and things will work out... and I've really started actually being patient, which is a miracle in itself, and certainly not from my own strength.
Please do continue to pray for us, and pray that Phillip would come to terms with things, and that we would grow closer through this experience. Thanks so much to everyone who has supported me and encouraged me through all of this... you guys are awesome. ^_^
He called me tonight, at around 9:15. I was way out in Peachy Canyon, so I knew I wouldn't get good reception through the whole ride home, so I told him to call me back in half an hour. He did, quite promptly, might I add. And he had figured some things out, apparently.
He said that he's interested in going into RTT Forces, which... I forgot what it stands for, but it's some sort of react team that is supposed to get bad guys out of the buildings where the nuclear missiles are if they somehow get past the first react team and make it into those buildings. Which means, if he's on that team and bad guys find their way into a building he is in, his life expectancy is like 12 seconds, he says. And... well, he doesn't want to put anyone through the kind of emotional stress that happens when a loved one dies. I told him that that's not his decision to make, and that it's too late, I already decided I wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, no matter how short it may be. He seems to think that I don't quite grasp how hard it would be if he did die, and I probably don't, but I do have faith that God would take care of me and I'd be okay. I have already taken these things into consideration, I mean shoot, when he went into boot camp I was thinking about what might happen to him and whether I'd be able to handle marrying someone who might die in the Marines. I've made up my mind already, and I'm willing to take that risk. I told him that tonight. I told him that loving someone always comes with the risk of losing that person, and it's a risk I want to take, because I sure as hell don't want to miss out on any part of his life, especially if it's going to be shortened by him being in the Marines. I told him I want to take that risk, but he has to let me. I think what he doesn't realise is that even if he did break up with me, I would continue loving him, and it would still be just as painful for me if he were to die, regardless of if we were together at the time or not. I won't stop loving him, and he can't stop me.
He explained also that he was feeling the way he was, too, because it seemed to him like I was so attached to him... and I am, of course, but he is right, I was too attached to him for awhile. I apologised to him for that, and I apologised for not having been the girlfriend I ought to have been to him for awhile now, and that I've realised I was too attached, and that God has really helped me to refocus myself on my relationship with Him and not so much on my relationship with Phillip. I need to have a healthy balance, and I told Phillip that I'm working on that. I'm glad he did call me on it, too, because I did owe him an apology. He owes me an apology or two, himself, for how he has treated me and acted towards me these past couple weeks... but I am going to wait for him to figure that out himself and come to me when he's ready to apologise.
Oh, and when we were saying goodbye tonight, I said "I love you" to him and he said it back.
I have a really good feeling about everything right now. I know God is big enough to conquer any problems between Phillip and me, and I am willing to give it time. God has been drilling it into me so much for the past few days that I just need to be PATIENT, and things will work out... and I've really started actually being patient, which is a miracle in itself, and certainly not from my own strength.
Please do continue to pray for us, and pray that Phillip would come to terms with things, and that we would grow closer through this experience. Thanks so much to everyone who has supported me and encouraged me through all of this... you guys are awesome. ^_^