//now that i've found someone, i'm feeling more alone than i ever have before//
nervousness or numbness: which is better? now that i've gone from one to the other, my verdict's still out.
i can't say i'm looking forward to going home. i fly out of LAX around eleven next wednesday, and i'll be back the morning of the 12th. there's not much for me at home, except a few people that still matter. i've lost touch with most, but i blame that on a semester of stupidity. i didn't realize exactly how stupid i've been until approximately two o'clock saturday morning. i get weirdly pensive after being surrounded by drunk people, i guess. i feel like a stoner minus the weed. maybe i should be listening to dave matthews band or bob marley or something.
i'm planning to stay in LA next summer; hoping to come back this summer after getting a driver's license, but that may be hard to swing. the lack of license is going to put a huge crimp in my summer plans; basically, i can't work during the week until i get a license because i need rides. and that's a problem. i need something productive to do with my time until i can go back to being a workaholic; underwater basket-weaving?
with the exception of a couple, my best friends here seem to be guys. they're awfully good to me. another one of those borderline psychotic two a.m. realizations after a not-so-spectacular friday night party. maybe i get teased a lot, but the fact that they would sit through some of the distinctly girly stuff i've had on my mind the past couple days is enough to impress me.
i went from recurrent nightmares about one person to dreaming about someone i should've forgotten about eight and a half months ago. amazing-- or obnoxious-- how one accidental encounter just sticks in my mind. it's not that there's any interest these days-- in fact, that'd make things a lot easier right now-- but regret. i don't understand how some people claim not to regret. hell, i regret entire years. i sound like an 80 year old woman. hand me a cane, a purple hat, and maybe a dvd of golden girls.
i keep taking late night walks around campus (miraculously not getting pillaged, plundered, or even hit by a rogue bike) and every time i see a group playing ultimate frisbee, i wonder what things would be like had i lived in a dorm. more friends, less drama? not to say that i don't have great friends and more or less constant companionship when i want it, but maybe a different experience wouldn't have been such a bad thing. i guess that's another mark on the regret list. man, i should keep that by my bed. there was a chippendales calendar by my bed for a few days that liz put up, but i took that down when i had a friend over tonight. didn't want to scare him off quite yet.
i think i'm going to turn into one of those people who judges dates on their music collections; some sort of self-preservation, i suppose. "you like kenny g, get out of my house"-- that kind of thing. if nothing else, if i get hurt, i might get some good albums out of it. not an indie elitist thing-- come on, i like cher and clay aiken, how elitist can i be?-- but still kind of strange.
a friend mentioned today that there was only one funny person in our group of friends, and suffice to say, it's not me. reminds me that my humor lately seems to be in my stupidity. i play up my occasional ditzy moments for a laugh because it's all i can seem to do. i should take lessons from dane cook, both in comedy and avoiding getting hit in the face with a tire. useful life skills, right there.
providence with stacey and jack's mannequin at the webster forthcoming. it's nice to have something to anticipate.
i can't say i'm looking forward to going home. i fly out of LAX around eleven next wednesday, and i'll be back the morning of the 12th. there's not much for me at home, except a few people that still matter. i've lost touch with most, but i blame that on a semester of stupidity. i didn't realize exactly how stupid i've been until approximately two o'clock saturday morning. i get weirdly pensive after being surrounded by drunk people, i guess. i feel like a stoner minus the weed. maybe i should be listening to dave matthews band or bob marley or something.
i'm planning to stay in LA next summer; hoping to come back this summer after getting a driver's license, but that may be hard to swing. the lack of license is going to put a huge crimp in my summer plans; basically, i can't work during the week until i get a license because i need rides. and that's a problem. i need something productive to do with my time until i can go back to being a workaholic; underwater basket-weaving?
with the exception of a couple, my best friends here seem to be guys. they're awfully good to me. another one of those borderline psychotic two a.m. realizations after a not-so-spectacular friday night party. maybe i get teased a lot, but the fact that they would sit through some of the distinctly girly stuff i've had on my mind the past couple days is enough to impress me.
i went from recurrent nightmares about one person to dreaming about someone i should've forgotten about eight and a half months ago. amazing-- or obnoxious-- how one accidental encounter just sticks in my mind. it's not that there's any interest these days-- in fact, that'd make things a lot easier right now-- but regret. i don't understand how some people claim not to regret. hell, i regret entire years. i sound like an 80 year old woman. hand me a cane, a purple hat, and maybe a dvd of golden girls.
i keep taking late night walks around campus (miraculously not getting pillaged, plundered, or even hit by a rogue bike) and every time i see a group playing ultimate frisbee, i wonder what things would be like had i lived in a dorm. more friends, less drama? not to say that i don't have great friends and more or less constant companionship when i want it, but maybe a different experience wouldn't have been such a bad thing. i guess that's another mark on the regret list. man, i should keep that by my bed. there was a chippendales calendar by my bed for a few days that liz put up, but i took that down when i had a friend over tonight. didn't want to scare him off quite yet.
i think i'm going to turn into one of those people who judges dates on their music collections; some sort of self-preservation, i suppose. "you like kenny g, get out of my house"-- that kind of thing. if nothing else, if i get hurt, i might get some good albums out of it. not an indie elitist thing-- come on, i like cher and clay aiken, how elitist can i be?-- but still kind of strange.
a friend mentioned today that there was only one funny person in our group of friends, and suffice to say, it's not me. reminds me that my humor lately seems to be in my stupidity. i play up my occasional ditzy moments for a laugh because it's all i can seem to do. i should take lessons from dane cook, both in comedy and avoiding getting hit in the face with a tire. useful life skills, right there.
providence with stacey and jack's mannequin at the webster forthcoming. it's nice to have something to anticipate.