the anomaly to your identity

[spinning_sorrow]

this is X-linked.

i wish i could erase everything i thought was significant between freshman year of high school and freshman year of college. i feel like i'm here again. and happy.

we try to ignore the way we confuse each other.

it's really an abstract value that i'm seeing. yes, just a concept, a projection. no need to be alarmed.

Comments

[humancolour]

i don't even know where to start. no. the conclusion was that we're done, period, but still love each other, still best friends, blah blah blah... and we've still been talking a lot but most of the time it just made me upset because the only reason i was still talking to him was because i was (am?) still in love with him and he'd just be talking about other random things like nothing had happened. any time he mentioned anything that made him happy i'd get pissed at him for being happy without me. yesterday morning i confronted him about it and how unfair the situation has been to me, and that conversation ended with a mutual "fuck you." we haven't spoken since.

basically i know that i really shouldn't have to "convince" the person i'm with to want to hang on to me. so maybe he's not the one for me after all. the scary part is more about leaving a comfort zone at this point. i think i'm just going to have fun with this college thing for a while. actually i met a guy a couple nights ago... and last night we made out and i slept with him in his bed... oopsies, heh. but anyway, i'm surviving at least. things could be better but they could be worse. who knows what the future will bring?

[humancolour]

slept with to be taken in the literal sense, not meaning "fucked."

anyway, i miss talking to you. i want to know more about you and your boy.

[spinning_sorrow]

wow. a lot has happened. i can never understand how that works... the whole still-in-love-but-friends-now-lets-talk-about-the-weather thing... i have a feeling that's how dave and i would be if we ever broke up though. but of course we think we're going to get married. i get freaked out sometimes because aside from people i know through him, i haven't tried to have anyone else. i thought my ex's were pathetic because it was like i was their whole life... now i basically just do homework and spend time with dave and that's all i want. i rarely sleep in my own room.

the part about already having a new guy worries me... make sure he's not going to end up being a loser... you deserve someone at least as perfect as nate, don't go backwards. it still does matter. if i'm completely off and you actually really like him, what's he like?

[humancolour]

i'm starting to think you can only tell how "perfect" someone is after you break up. which of course isn't very encouraging. nate's been unfair and unsympathetic since we split. in retrospect, the whole relationship has been unfair to me. at the end of the summer the kept reassuring me that we should stay together when i left for college, and now just bails because he "needs his freedom" when he goes abroad for a few months. it's bullshit. if i had known that this is how it would end up, i never would've agreed to stay in a relationship with a guy 10 hours away all last semester when i should have been discovering myself and thousands of new people.

i always thought it was naive when people our age talked about getting married. but now i think that a lack of talking about the future was the biggest flaw in our relationship. he refused to make me promises for the future of any kind, which, now that i think about it, makes long distance completely pointless. the whole idea is that you've found someone really special who's worth toughing it out for... it's not like "let's just stay in this really sucky situation indefinitely until we don't feel like trying any more." i remember on my last night in houghton really wanting to hear something from him... some kind of promise that some day we'd come out of it together, and he just wouldn't say it. he was like "well what do you want to hear from me?" and i was like "well i can't tell you what to say." maybe i should've known then.

i guess he's just too self-sufficient for me. i used to think that was a good thing to balance out my neediness, but obviously it didn't work out very well for me. i should be with someone who needs me as much as i need them. or at least who will prioritize our relationship in his life somewhat.

... eventually. right now i'm trying to be casual about everything. as far as the new guy goes, he seems legitimately interested. he wants to hang out with me again today. i may even be the bitch in the situation... i think at some point i'm going to have to be the one who's like "k, this isn't what i want right now." i definitely don't think he's a loser, though. just someone to have fun with and help me move on.

[humancolour]

well, that's good, it's just interesting that you don't bother with his name or any specifics... you usually would so it just seems like an indication that who he is in particular isn't really important to you, just the fact that there's someone. but just having a diversion could be really good too.

i used to avoid talking about the future at all with guys because i knew i wasn't serious about it at the time. this is the first "viable option" as my family likes to put it. it seems different because it's college now and so many adults i know that are married met in college, including my parents. actually they met the first week my mom stayed at school too... and she had a boyfriend back home she broke up with too. everyone used to tell me i shouldn't date someone if i knew i would never want to marry them, and i thought that was stupid because i was just trying not to be bored. it's sooo much better to be with a guy i actually like though... i'd forgotten what that was like! maybe they had something after all.

i guess i would try to look at the relationship for what you got out of it and to go from there. if nothing else, you just said it, you learned more about what you need in a guy that you didn't know before. so you're that much closer to figuring out who IS right for you when you meet him. it was a totally shitty thing for him to do to you though, especially when you'd made it clear you Were that dedicated to it. sounds like he just didn't think at all. i hope things get better...

[humancolour]

nate and i had a pretty juicy fight last night. here are some highlights:

kristi belle says:
i met someone
Dr. Starfish says:
why are you telling me that?
kristi belle says:
why not?
kristi belle says:
we're friends now, right?
Dr. Starfish says:
don't even do that
Dr. Starfish says:
that's just flat out mean, and you know it
Dr. Starfish says:
because you know that i know that if i was getting interested in some girl, you would kill me for telling you about it, so don
kristi belle says:
it's totally different
...
Dr. Starfish says:
i'm holding back my jealousy, by the way
Dr. Starfish says:
because it seems like that's what you wanted with telling me
kristi belle says:
i could give you the details if you like
Dr. Starfish says:
you're being malicious
kristi belle says:
yeah?
Dr. Starfish says:
god, fuck you too now. i never did anything mean or angry to you. yeah i screwed up a lot of things, but i was NEVER mean to you
Dr. Starfish says:
a LOT of things
kristi belle says:
yeah, you're right. i definitely deserve a "fuck you" back for a few petty comments stemming from injury
Dr. Starfish says:
are you being sarcastic?
kristi belle says:
mmhmm
Dr. Starfish says:
cute.
kristi belle says:
aww no baby, you're the cute one
Dr. Starfish says:
I didn't realize that you could be such a bitch
Dr. Starfish says:
because you are
Dr. Starfish says:
so fuck off, have a great time fucking around at Michigan
kristi belle says:
YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART

that's good stuff right there...
i'm over men right now.

i love passive aggression.

[spinning_sorrow]

it's the only outlet. being bitchy and mean helps, even if it's just a little. and if there's a spot there that you can hit with a few petty comments, well he created it! anyway he needs to make up his mind. he broke up with you so he has NO right to get upset if you meet someone else! he's making you stay "friends" so he deserves to have to hear it. it'd be pretty easy to prevent if it bothers him so much.

if he still cares about that enough to be hurt, if he's still possessive of you, why are you two apart in the first place?!

damn, that sucks.

[humancolour]

p.s. read my response to your anonymous comment, cuz i know a notification won't be e-mailed to you about it.