oh no. she's writing another long entry D:
time for one of those reflective long journal entries.
yep.
I feel like I'm finally starting to realize whats important, and I don't know why or how or what exactly has come over me. But I've changed a lot, even just in these few months. It's taken me half a year (for some reason my insecurities really only intensified this past semester), but I finally realize that
a) I'm not fat
and
b) I'm beautiful.
I am a good person.
I am not useless.
I am not stupid.
From December 26th, 2005:
So I'm going to make my New Years Resolution now.
I've discovered that bitching and getting depressed and making people say that I'm pretty even though they don't mean it isn't helping me at all.
I'm not going to feel better until I feel like I look better.
Resolution:
I am going to lose 15 lbs and feel better about myself before college.
That gives me 9 months.
I'm sick of looking this way. I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to have confidence when I go into college.
So I'm going to do something about it.
When summer ended, I stopped DDRing and doing all my situps and stuff, and so everything came back. Ugh.
So I'm going to start again, and I'm going to make my dad show me how to use the treadmill. I really am serious about this now. I want to feel good, I really do. So I suppose I've got a week left of normality before I go into diet and exercise mode.
Well.
'normality'.
Being this way doesn't feel normal to me sometimes.
I was stupid. I wasn't wrong about it then. I was stupid for not listening to Kyle's response to this entry:
"changing what you are doesn't always inspire confidence, it can often times undermine what little you currently have, you can become fixated on what you could be rather then what you are right now. you should try and find confidence in who you are, realize that you have amazing abilities and qualities that you portray everyday to everyone around you, which is why we all love you so much, only after you accept the fact that no matter how you look you are amazing will you be able to be really happy. i changed a lot about myself physically, which initially felt great, but that doesn't mean i have confidence in myself, that comes completely seperate, you have to build that in order to change and be happy.
i love you kate, you're a great friend and a wonderful person and i do think you are beautiful for so many reasons. I hope i don't sound patronizing by saying all this, i just hope that i can help you to see that external change cannot take place without internal change as well."
I didn't realize exactly how right he was, but I guess looking back now I should have listened because he certainly knew what he was talking about. For some reason, the more I exercised and dieted and became obsessed with losing weight, the less and less I liked myself. My confidence level spiraled downwards and continued to deteriorate, no matter how many pounds I lost. I could not find myself beautiful in any way; I felt ugly because I was fat, I felt useless because I wasn't losing 10 lbs a week, and I felt ugly on the inside because that was all I could focus on. When I was like that, it was like I couldn't listen to ANYBODY. I couldn't believe anything anybody was saying, and I honestly felt like everything was a big lie. Nobody thought I was beautiful, they were all lying to me to get me to shut it/make me feel better.
But looking back now, I realize that nobody was lying to me but me. I couldn't believe in anybody because I couldn't believe in myself. Why should they think I'm beautiful if I don't? I can't expect anyone to find me attractive if I don't love myself in the least bit.
It goes without saying that Russell not being home certainly took it's effect on me. Him not being here, for whatever reason, caused my self esteem to plummet this past year. Certainly not his fault by any means, but him being so far away caused me to focus on all my imperfections, most likely because I feared he would find a chick that was both a) skinnier than me and b) smarter than me at Caltech - which, no doubt, exist, but I am just coming to realize that they are lacking something that they will never have. And I don't know exactly what that is, but it's what makes Russell love me; I am me. I was terribly wrong in becoming so insecure/obsessive, because they brought out some of my worse flaws, which is the only thing that could push someone I love so much away. I think I've come to realize that whatever insignificant fat isn't going to push someone away, but rather, my lack of confidence will.
It became progressively harder as we got closer, and I'm certain that things will continue to get a bit harder as we go through college. However, I am also certain that it's worth it. He can withstand me at my worse, and I can withstand him at his worse. We've become stronger than ever, and we're learning how to deal with each other's imperfections day by day. It's an amazing thing, really, and I can't wait till I can live with him for a little while. It will really be an important experience for the two of us.
In the past 2 1/2 months, I've cracked down on my eating habits. No boredom eating (unless it's carrots, which you can eat by the ton and still only consume 10 calories), eating 1400-1500 calories a day, and exercising every day for an hour. I've lost about 9 pounds last time I checked, which isn't my exact goal as far as numeric values go.
In any case, I don't really care about that. I am considered "healthy" now by BMI standards, which is perfectly fine by me. What's most important is that I discovered that second part of my goal was the most important - the self confidence.
After all, that first goal was really useless without it.
Numbers have nothing to do with feelings.
I am beautiful.
Thanks, everyone, for sticking with me through these past months. I know I've been in some rough moods, stubborn moods, bitchy moods, depressed moods...
but honestly, I couldn't have done it without a few of you select individuals (:.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens...
yep.
I feel like I'm finally starting to realize whats important, and I don't know why or how or what exactly has come over me. But I've changed a lot, even just in these few months. It's taken me half a year (for some reason my insecurities really only intensified this past semester), but I finally realize that
a) I'm not fat
and
b) I'm beautiful.
I am a good person.
I am not useless.
I am not stupid.
From December 26th, 2005:
So I'm going to make my New Years Resolution now.
I've discovered that bitching and getting depressed and making people say that I'm pretty even though they don't mean it isn't helping me at all.
I'm not going to feel better until I feel like I look better.
Resolution:
I am going to lose 15 lbs and feel better about myself before college.
That gives me 9 months.
I'm sick of looking this way. I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to have confidence when I go into college.
So I'm going to do something about it.
When summer ended, I stopped DDRing and doing all my situps and stuff, and so everything came back. Ugh.
So I'm going to start again, and I'm going to make my dad show me how to use the treadmill. I really am serious about this now. I want to feel good, I really do. So I suppose I've got a week left of normality before I go into diet and exercise mode.
Well.
'normality'.
Being this way doesn't feel normal to me sometimes.
I was stupid. I wasn't wrong about it then. I was stupid for not listening to Kyle's response to this entry:
"changing what you are doesn't always inspire confidence, it can often times undermine what little you currently have, you can become fixated on what you could be rather then what you are right now. you should try and find confidence in who you are, realize that you have amazing abilities and qualities that you portray everyday to everyone around you, which is why we all love you so much, only after you accept the fact that no matter how you look you are amazing will you be able to be really happy. i changed a lot about myself physically, which initially felt great, but that doesn't mean i have confidence in myself, that comes completely seperate, you have to build that in order to change and be happy.
i love you kate, you're a great friend and a wonderful person and i do think you are beautiful for so many reasons. I hope i don't sound patronizing by saying all this, i just hope that i can help you to see that external change cannot take place without internal change as well."
I didn't realize exactly how right he was, but I guess looking back now I should have listened because he certainly knew what he was talking about. For some reason, the more I exercised and dieted and became obsessed with losing weight, the less and less I liked myself. My confidence level spiraled downwards and continued to deteriorate, no matter how many pounds I lost. I could not find myself beautiful in any way; I felt ugly because I was fat, I felt useless because I wasn't losing 10 lbs a week, and I felt ugly on the inside because that was all I could focus on. When I was like that, it was like I couldn't listen to ANYBODY. I couldn't believe anything anybody was saying, and I honestly felt like everything was a big lie. Nobody thought I was beautiful, they were all lying to me to get me to shut it/make me feel better.
But looking back now, I realize that nobody was lying to me but me. I couldn't believe in anybody because I couldn't believe in myself. Why should they think I'm beautiful if I don't? I can't expect anyone to find me attractive if I don't love myself in the least bit.
It goes without saying that Russell not being home certainly took it's effect on me. Him not being here, for whatever reason, caused my self esteem to plummet this past year. Certainly not his fault by any means, but him being so far away caused me to focus on all my imperfections, most likely because I feared he would find a chick that was both a) skinnier than me and b) smarter than me at Caltech - which, no doubt, exist, but I am just coming to realize that they are lacking something that they will never have. And I don't know exactly what that is, but it's what makes Russell love me; I am me. I was terribly wrong in becoming so insecure/obsessive, because they brought out some of my worse flaws, which is the only thing that could push someone I love so much away. I think I've come to realize that whatever insignificant fat isn't going to push someone away, but rather, my lack of confidence will.
It became progressively harder as we got closer, and I'm certain that things will continue to get a bit harder as we go through college. However, I am also certain that it's worth it. He can withstand me at my worse, and I can withstand him at his worse. We've become stronger than ever, and we're learning how to deal with each other's imperfections day by day. It's an amazing thing, really, and I can't wait till I can live with him for a little while. It will really be an important experience for the two of us.
In the past 2 1/2 months, I've cracked down on my eating habits. No boredom eating (unless it's carrots, which you can eat by the ton and still only consume 10 calories), eating 1400-1500 calories a day, and exercising every day for an hour. I've lost about 9 pounds last time I checked, which isn't my exact goal as far as numeric values go.
In any case, I don't really care about that. I am considered "healthy" now by BMI standards, which is perfectly fine by me. What's most important is that I discovered that second part of my goal was the most important - the self confidence.
After all, that first goal was really useless without it.
Numbers have nothing to do with feelings.
I am beautiful.
Thanks, everyone, for sticking with me through these past months. I know I've been in some rough moods, stubborn moods, bitchy moods, depressed moods...
but honestly, I couldn't have done it without a few of you select individuals (:.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens...