reflections a decade and a half later
at almost thirty-two years old, i decided it was high time to wipe the hard drive of my childhood computer and send it off to the recycling center. (surely there’s a metaphor in there.) in the process of backing up my old files, i found the username for this journal. nothing came of it at first. was livejournal even still in existence? if so, certainly i had deleted my account and sent it into livejournal purgatory? or surely i would lock myself out with too many failed attempts to pull my password from the deep recesses of my memory? why bother to chase nostalgia down a rabbit hole?
so i didn’t come running here right away. my pursuit of nostalgia has been more gradual-a cache of pictures from high school here and there, an old mixtape playlist now and again. but the last several months, the pull to the past has grown stronger. burned out, unable to disconnect from work, and confronted by my therapist with the question "well, what do you like to do in your free time?", i realized that my life was cycling through various combinations of exercise-eat-work-netflix-sleep for the past decade. i had finally managed my way through the crippling depression that i fought as a teenager, but in trying so hard to make a clean break from the past, i abandoned the passions that kept me going in my darkest times: reading, writing, and photography. it is the re-discovery of these hobbies that led me to explore livejournal again. somehow, the correct synapses fired and sent my old password straight to my fingertips. now here i am, writing to a friends list full of inactive users, all but two of whom i have been out of touch with for more than a decade.
i am not sure what i hope to accomplish with this entry. maybe to leave proof that i found my way back here. maybe to remind myself that it is okay to be raw, open, and vulnerable again. maybe to process the thoughts and emotions that i stirred up by going through this journal start to finish. maybe there doesn’t need to be a point at all. i guess what i have to say is this: reading through journal entries from half a lifetime ago is an odd experience. i rolled my eyes at how desperately i fanboyed over certain celebrities. i shook my head at some of the ways i have stayed exactly the same. i marvelled at how i have become a completely new person in other respects. most of all, it dawned on me just how close i was to giving up all those years ago. it wasn’t self-evident that i would be here to update my journal fourteen years later. life may still be tough at times, but i am glad that i am.
so i didn’t come running here right away. my pursuit of nostalgia has been more gradual-a cache of pictures from high school here and there, an old mixtape playlist now and again. but the last several months, the pull to the past has grown stronger. burned out, unable to disconnect from work, and confronted by my therapist with the question "well, what do you like to do in your free time?", i realized that my life was cycling through various combinations of exercise-eat-work-netflix-sleep for the past decade. i had finally managed my way through the crippling depression that i fought as a teenager, but in trying so hard to make a clean break from the past, i abandoned the passions that kept me going in my darkest times: reading, writing, and photography. it is the re-discovery of these hobbies that led me to explore livejournal again. somehow, the correct synapses fired and sent my old password straight to my fingertips. now here i am, writing to a friends list full of inactive users, all but two of whom i have been out of touch with for more than a decade.
i am not sure what i hope to accomplish with this entry. maybe to leave proof that i found my way back here. maybe to remind myself that it is okay to be raw, open, and vulnerable again. maybe to process the thoughts and emotions that i stirred up by going through this journal start to finish. maybe there doesn’t need to be a point at all. i guess what i have to say is this: reading through journal entries from half a lifetime ago is an odd experience. i rolled my eyes at how desperately i fanboyed over certain celebrities. i shook my head at some of the ways i have stayed exactly the same. i marvelled at how i have become a completely new person in other respects. most of all, it dawned on me just how close i was to giving up all those years ago. it wasn’t self-evident that i would be here to update my journal fourteen years later. life may still be tough at times, but i am glad that i am.