Wendigo
We open in Blackwater Rigde, Colorado.
In case you needed a visual.
A couple of guys are on a camping trip, and I told myself that I wasn't going to make Brokeback Mountain* jokes, but c'mon, we all know it's a GayFest. One of the guys uses a fancy thingamajig phone to send back to his sister.
I don't know his name, but he's wearing a seashell necklace and has blonde hair, so he's Chad Michael Murray now.
Of course, one idiot leaves the GayFest to take a piss, gets attacked by a monster, causing another idiot to look for him, which gets him attacked by a monster.
And then after a series of quick cuts and scary music, CMM is taken as well.
Palo Alto, California.
Birds chirp, strings play, none of it is real.
Except that I TOTALLY bought it first time around.
Emo!Sam approaches Dead Girlfriend #1's grave. In a wide shot you could see a teddy bear.
Sex toy? I think so. I can totally see Jessica getting all bothered by kids things. Smurfs, teddy bears, chocolate chip cookies...it all fits.
He kills me.
Sam weeps that he should have "protected her" and "told her the truth". WHAT COULD THIS MEAN GUYS? WHAT THE HELL IS SAM TALKING ABOUT?!?!? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
This is about the time that Jessica's hand punches out of the grave and grabs Sam's wrist, and about the time I go "OMG I'M A FREAKIN' IDIOT" for being dragged along.
Dirteh.
Sam wakes up from the dream, and of course he's just in the Impala. On the road. With a brother he has not seen in 2-4 years. We are NOT bringing up this debate again.
Zooooooooooooooooooom.
Okay, I get the whole "brotherly concern" vibe and everything, but that is just a hilarious face. But this is an example of the Brother Worrying that is to dominate through all three seasons to come.
Sleepy Sam.
LOLOL I love Sammy's "O" face and the INCREDIBLY FAKE SCENERY IN THE BACKGROUND. It's just a green blur and ohman, I miss low-budget, plastic-spider SPN. Only, not really.
I'm convinced that this map is upside down, although I don't know why.
Sam just realized that he almost got all the way to law school without knowing he was illiterate.
Talk. Talk. Talk. Angst.
Maps.
LOL Special effects.
Metallicar.
We're good to go.
Okay, so they're at this national park, and this place gave me major Yellowstone flashbacks, you guys. Like, I know that it's common and all that, but I went to Yellowstone when I was like...seven.
Dean appreciates fine art?
Sam's trying to figure out what the hell his brother is looking at.
I think it would have been funnier if there was a harpoon sticking out of the bear's chest or something. Or maybe I'm just sadistic. Is it even dead? But who would want to take a picture of a sleeping bear?
Apparently there are grizzlies where they're headed.
So the site where I got all my other photos seems to be kaput, so that's why all these photos now look different. But I have to say, this site it better for the lulzy pictures.
Park Ranger is suspicious and funny-lookin'. Sam tells them that they're Environmental Study majors. PR calls "bull". He says that they were sent over by "that Haley girl".
aowjief;oawijefo;awjefoweiafwa I HATE THESE NEW PHOTOS TOO OKAY? THEY MAKE EVERYTHING LOOK STRETCHED.
The boys latch on, milk him for more information, and then leave. Sammy is all "Let's go into the woods NOW! I want to go into the woods NOW! Do we have to go visit this girl? Can't we go into the woods? PLEEEEAAASE?"
Dean: No! Now go to your shotgun!
(The shotgun SEAT, guys. Don't get disgusting.)
Why does Dean look perpetually confused in these screencaps?
Dean and Sam visit the tank-top wearin', wavy-haired pistol who has no boobs.
They tell her that they're park rangers.
LOLOLOL NARCOSUPERNATURAL.
She compliments Dean's car.
Dean now wants to bag that.
SO MANY RIDICULOUS FACES. I WILL JUST NOT PAY ATTENTION ANYMORE.
Sam starts in on the questions while No Boob plays mommy. Blah blah blah orphans, family bonds (watch out for that acme anvil!), and close touchy-feely stuff. Haley is heading out to Blackwater Ridge in the morning.
BAAAAAAAAR
Is this our first sloozy bar scene? I think so.
Sam gets all technical and freezeframe-y, and Dean's all "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BEER? CAN I GET A BEER UP IN THE JOINT? I don't want on freakin' newspapers! I want Beer and Women! Beer and Women!"
Yes, you know now I'm willing to ruin the personal integrity of a character for a joke. Be warned.
Can we take a minute to appreciate the Sparkly Rockstar Goth Laptop?
Because it needs appreciating.
I seriously loved that thing.
They go visit the One Sole Child Survivor Who No One Believed But Might Finally Find Redemption With the Winchester Boys.
Not pretty. No wonder this scene is so dark.
OSCSWNOBBMFFRWWB:*scratchy* *mumbles*
The Boys: What?
OSCSWNOBBMFFRWWB:*cough* *hacks*
The Boys:....
OSCSWNOBBMFFRWWB:GlaskjeroaiwjefweawoiefAWSDWEFWE!!!!!
The Boys:*slowly back away*
Sammybear: It must be something corporeal.
Deancounter: Corporate?
Sammybear: Corporeal.
Deancounter: Cornea?
Sammybear:Cor-por-e-al.
Deancounter: Pandas?
Sammybear: It's a grown-up word.
Deancounter: Excuse me, Professor!
Sammybear: SHUDDUP I'M GOING TO GO CRY INTO MY PILLOW.
Dean goes to get some junk out of his trunk.
Sam and Dean throw around some pent-up frustration words and a duffle full of loaded guns.
The next morning, No Boobs, Lyle Random Outbursty Brother and Trail Guy are getting ready to head out. Metallicar pulls up.
No Boobs: You're going to hike in biker boots and jeans?
Dean-o-rama:...Sweetie, I don't do shorts.
And the fangirls praised "Hallelujah!"
Then there's a horrifying scene of Torture and Angst in a Deep, Dank Cave but LOLOL whothehellcaresletsmoveon.
Okay, this whole scene with the people hiking in a line and there being packs and there's like one girl with a bunch of ridiculously hot guys? And the guy of my dreams is wearing red plaid? TOTALLY gave me Power Rangers Turbo flashback, guys. I'm serious.
AMIRITE OR AMIRITE?
There's a bit about the ~tensions~ between Trail Guy and Dean, because Trail Guy can totally call Dean's bluff (this happens quite frequently), but this was pretty my entire thought process:
LALALALALALALALA SAMMYKINS
See how well that worked out for me?
ALSO
BEST. DEANFACE. EVER.
Hayley, oops, sorry, No Boobs gets on Dean's case.
"You didn't pack any provisions!" (We'll get to that later) "You're carrying a duffle bag!!!!!You're not rangers, so WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!!?!?!?"
Sam gives Dean the silent go ahead, and so Dean spills mostly everything except anything relating to the supernatural. Which is pretty much nothing, but it's closer to the truth.
And then he adds: "What you do mean I didn't pack provisions?"
UGH. IT'S BLURRY. HATE.
But on the show? Awesome. Although I prefer any kind other than peanut.
Poll
So they reach the Mysterious Co-ordinates that Daddy Dearest gave them, and there's...nothing.
Sammy: Not even crickets.
Trail Guy decides to go ahead by himself. Dean is all "Hellz no, idiot!" Trail Guy: "Aw, you're so sweeeeet!" Dean: *suckerpunch*
I think there need to be Trail Guy vs. Dean macros. EXCEPT NOT WITH THESE SCREENCAPS OMG.
So now Dean is all: "Okay, if you're not going to be an idiot and DIE, then follow me and stick together."
I'm pretty sure that Lyle Random Brother has been listening to his earphones the ENTIRE TIME. Why is he even in this episode? WHO IS HE? WHAT ARE HIS ~SECRETS~?!?!?! TELL US, OH STRIKEOUTLYLE, THE MEANING OF LIFE.
After some wandering around, they find the Gayfest campsite in tatters.
People are distraught.
And No Boobs starts screaming out CMM's name, which, you think he can hear you? Really? No, I mean, really? Why would you think that?
Sam goes through the same thought process and shuts a bitch up.
No Boobs: How has that neck not been licked this entire episode?
There are tracks where the bodies were dragged off, but then they suddenly stop. No Boobs finds CMM picture-camera-phone thingamajig. Sad music plays.
Then they hear someone yell "Help!" But it's really weird and kind of off? Everyone goes rushing toward the sound, Trail Guy and Dean first, both with guns at the ready.
BLURRY. GAH. Also, LOL at StrikeoutLyle in the background. He's like "What? Oh, we're filming? What am I supposed to be doing again?"
They reach a clearing and ~spread out~ a bit, so they're looking in all directions. Of course, I'm really not paying attention now, because Sammy looks like this:
Mmmmmm, you can follow my nose, Sam. Any time.
There's a bit where they can't see or hear anything but the beyooteeful woods.
They get back to camp and their packs, GPS things and satellite phones are missing.
THERE ARE NO SCREENCAPS OF THIS. FAIL.
To make up for it:
And thus, the Great and Aweful Sammy came forth to bestow rainbows and smilies upon us all, and to bathe us in his eternal light of hoodies and hair pieces.
Sammy needs a quickie, so he goes to Dean to speak with him in private.
Dean: I don't think it's working.
Our Genius Son has figured out the cause of the disturbances, which of course Dean thinks is "impossible" because Wendigos have never been "this far West".
Of course, Sammy is right, as always, and then he lists of some Wendigo traits.
The boys (and by boys, I mean Sam, but I didn't want to start another sentence with his name) tell everyone to clear out. Trail Guy is having none of this shit.
I guess this is Sam ~flaring up~? Because Dean is all like "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH back off Sammy!" and Haley is all "STOP!" Everybody stops.
Haley: I mean it guys! Really, stop!
Everyone:....
Haley: JUST STOP, OKAY?!?!?!
No Boobs refuses to leave, so Dean warns that the Wendigo is an even better hunter at night than it is in the day. They need to protect themselves.
It's nighttime again, so we're back to near blindness.
As Dean draws little doodles in a the ground, a warm fire keep everyone else safe and warm.
Dean goes over to talk to a brooding Sammyonalog, because he's a Thoughtful and Caring older brother.
Dean asserts for the final time that Sam is not "fine" and mentions that he's supposed to be the belligerent one. A) Belligerent? That's an SAT word (I think), so, you know, Dean's not as dumb as you think. B) I love how Dean enjoys playing into these roles, and they can never change and how Sam NEEDS to be Sam, and Dean NEEDS to be Dean or else something is Not Right, you know? This is the beginning of it, and it has carried through into the LATEST episode. It's amazing, and I love Dean.
Sam goes on and on about how Dad's obviously not there, and how he wants to go home, and eat ice cream, and curl up on a couch and die.
Dean is RIGHT ABOUT to send Sammy to his shotgun, but instead he takes out The Journal of Everything Good and Holy and Deus Ex Machina-y.
Say it with me:
"I think he wants us to pick up where he left off. Saving people, hunting things. Family business."
Classic.
Sam is like "Hasn't he ever heard of a cell phone?" and Dean goes "Shut UP, bitch. He gave us a job to do and we're going to do it."
Light tinkly music starts up in the background as Sam starts emoting about finding Dad and Jessica's killer (WHO COULD IT BE?!?!).
Dean does the older brother thing, and eventually gets Sam to smile.
"Help me!" Cries the woods, and everyone gets ready for ~*~Action~*~. Trail Guy starts firing, thinks he hit the damn thing, and then steps out of the Magick Circle.
So he gets his neck twisted.
Morning again.
Sam is leaning on a tree trunk.
He can lean on my trunk any day.
Dean has obviously told No Boobs about the supernatural thing, because she's doing the denial thing.
What is StrikeoutLyle doing?
No Boobs asks how Dean knows about this stuff.
Dean says that it runs in the family.
Sam says he wants to "*sigh* kill this evil sonuvabitch".
Then there's a bunch of exposition on what wendigos are, but you really want to know, just look it up on-line. The main point is that they're impervious to guns and stuff.
So they're going to torch it.
They head on on the ~exposition~.
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
Sam notices that there are claw prints on all the trees surrounding them, and there's no one way to go.
They've been lead right into a trap!
Trailer Guy's dead, broken body falls pretty much right where Haley was before she rolled out of the way.
Hee!
Now everyone is on the run.
StrikeoutLyle stumbles, so Sam has to go back to pick him up.
So was that, like, his purpose for the entire episode?
Dean and Haley run ahead and are confronted by the Wendigo. Haley screams. Sam and StrikeoutLyle get over the hill, and no one is there.
Damn that's a big mouth.
Sam and Lyle are walking along, and Lyle finally says more than three words. And he also find a trail of Dean's M&Ms.
They find a mining shaft. It says "Extremely Toxic Material".
Sammy goes in anyway. This is not the first time I think Sammy might be dyslexic.
Sammy: What does it say?
They see some blurry, blurry figure walking out of the cave. Nice, special effect department, nice.
There's a wooden door in the floor, and StrikeoutLyle manges to fall right through, followed by Sammy.
StrikeoutLyle has fallen by some skulls, and subsequently freaks the fuck out.
Sammy calls him down, and then they can hear something creaking. It's their siblings!
Reunited, and it feels so goooooood.
There's lots of grunts and moans as everyone breaks their significant other family member free.
No Boobs and Lyle find CMM, mostly dead. They break him free.
Dean finds flare guns, so everyone takes a trip further into the cave.
Cave: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
No Boobs: We'll never outrun it!
Dean: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Sam: I think so, Brain, but where'll we find a Dora the Explorer backpack and a quart of Cherry Garcia at this hour?
Sam goes and takes the others to safety.
While Dean goes off yelling "Come and eat me!" Literally, he does.
And the fangirls rejoice.
Deanobaby: You want some white meat bitch?
I don't even have to make it up.
Sam and the others make it to the cave, and Sam tells them to go ahead.
Sam stays behind to kill a mofo.
He turns his head, AND THERE IT IS OMG OMG OMG.
Since you can't see anything in this screencap, just pretend that it's there, because I couldn't find anything else, okay?
Sam lets off a flare, hits the wendigo (but not enough to kill it), and barrels toward the children, wendigo on their trail.
Just as the wendigo is about to finish them all off, there's a "hey" from behind!
Deano lets one rip into the sucker.
Awesome.
Aftermath.
Dean hits on a girl.
No Boobs: Must you cheapen the moment?
Dean:...Yes.
Dean gets a kiss on the cheek.
The boys have a talk.
Sam gets to drive the car.
The End.
Tune in next time for water...and boys...and...um..what was I talking about?
*Okay, so, I started writing this before I heard the horrible, awful, terrible news. Yes, it takes me this long to write a spillcap. Shush. I just wanted to put up an endnote saying how I'm not trying to offend anyone or anything by this joke, because like, I wouldn't want to...um, this is awkward. Cookies?
ETA: The news was Heath Ledger's death. But I'm passive and neurotic so I didn't just want to say it out right...I probably should have.
ETA2: The old poll got all screwed up, so if you want to recast your vote or something, you can do that now.
ETA3: The old poll got screwed up again, so I had to delete the old post and make this new one. Meaning that all the comments were lost. Really sorry guys...