fic: "Still Life" (ST XI, pg13, pt. 3/3)
Title: Still Life (pt. 3/3)
Rating: pg13
Wordcount: ~11,000 / 31,203
Warnings: major character death and all the baggage that comes with it
Disclaimer: don't own, etc.
Summary: Jim has died and Spock struggles to learn how to live without him.
A/N: written for ksrelativity . My prompt was: New Vulcan, notebook, birthday, fireworks.
“So I guess we're Starfleet retirees now. It feels pretty nice. Spock and I are renting out our houses in San Francisco and in Iowa, so we can live full-time at our New Vulcan house. I would rather be living in San Francisco but Spock's family is here plus the NVSA offered him a position as a professor which is a pretty big deal for him. I'm looking for a job here too, not sure what I would do but the search isn't going so well right now anyway. So here we are. To make up for it Spock is letting me pick out a sehlat cub and I get to name it so I guess that turns out something close to even.”
* * *
“Today was Spock's first day working at the NVSA. He's teaching advanced astrophysics and advanced theory of mathematics and it seemed to go pretty well today! I'm really really proud of him. Now I just need to find a job I can enjoy doing as much, haha. I heard that the delivery service is looking for a new shuttle pilot but something tells me Spock won't be too thrilled about a job that'll keep me out of the house for days on end. Darn. The search goes on, I guess. In the meantime I'm spending a lot of time at home with our sehlat cub, Jane. She's just the cutest thing but her fangs are already starting to come in so I'm having to teach her to play less roughly. Plus I have a lot of time to read everything I've been wanting to read and write in this so that's pretty nice. I guess I can't complain about not having a job too much after all.”
* * *
“So the other day Spock said he would talk to the dean of the NVSA to see if there were any teaching positions available in the next semester or so that they might consider hiring me for, since I was teaching at Starfleet before we moved. Basically it didn't go so well. The dean told him basically that they had made a stretch just for him and that the NVSA did not, under any circumstances, hire a non-Vulcan for teaching positions. I guess that even with New Vulcan being as progressive as it is compared to the original Vulcan there are some things that just don't change, at least not quickly. Whatever. There are other schools on New Vulcan. It's their loss because fuck them, I'm an awesome professor. Spock was really pissed about it too. He was ranting about resigning because of their jackassery but I told him no, he didn't need to give up a job he really enjoys just because the dean is a racist prick and plus if he's a professor there he has the opportunity to make sure the students aren't just getting spoon fed that guy's bullshit but can hear what Spock has to say too. Spock has already given up a lot because of me. I don't want this to be another thing to add to that list.”
* * *
“The NVSA can suck me because the University of New Vulcan just contacted me about a possible job opening next semester! Fuck yeah! I'm going in for an interview tomorrow.”
* * *
“Got the job. I'll be teaching classes on the history of the Federation and a theory of military strategy class, basically the same as what I was teaching at Starfleet. I start in about two months. Spock hasn't gotten home yet so he doesn't know I've gotten the job, though he probably suspects it since he can feel how happy I've been today. Still, I can't wait to tell him!”
* * *
“First day at UNV today. It went pretty decently. My class today was pretty small in size but considering that it's a military class taught by a Human I guess it's not surprising that most of the students are not entirely sold. That's alright though, just means that the students who are there are the ones who really want to be there. They all seemed like great students but considering they're Vulcans I think that's the norm. Either way it went well, my next class is tomorrow and that's the history of the Federation class so it'll probably be a bit bigger.
Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I keep getting the feeling from Spock that he's planning something but he's being really secretive about it. I guess that gives me a license to expect something amazing.”
* * *
“Let it be known that Spock is a huge fucking romantic. For our 20th anniversary (also holy shit where did those twenty years even go? I can't believe it's been that long) we went out to some fancy restaurant which was pretty nice, then Spock told me that he rented us a private spacecraft for the week of the summer break in about a month, which is one of those ones that have an autopilot and preset path of travel so you don't have to actually pilot it yourself, you can just chill out in space and I'm so excited! He really did do something awesome this time around. It's going to be really hard for me to think of something to do for us next year, but for now I'm just super excited. We get to spend a week in space - which is probably going to turn into a week straight of pure uninterrupted sex which is awesome too.
Spock - you are the best bondmate ever. Just saying. You need to tone it down a little so that I don't look like a complete loser compared to you! Asshole! I love you!”
* * *
“Just got back from our trip and it was great. Exactly what we needed. Feeling super refreshed and totally ready to take on the next semester!”
* * *
On Christmas Eve, the day began uneventfully. Spock ate a small breakfast early in the morning, the cat watching him from where it sat on the counter. When he was done he gave the cat a brief scratch behind its ears, causing it to purr.
Pavel walked into the kitchen at that moment.
“Good morning,” he said sleepily, glancing at Spock. “Have you eaten?”
“Yes,” Spock replied, straightening up. The cat looked at him unhappily.
“Mmm. You can turn on the holoscreen if you want.” Pavel yawned widely as he turned on the coffee maker, then continued, “Oh. Midnight mass starts at ten-thirty tonight. I was planning on leaving at ten.”
“I will be ready. Is there a particular dress code?”
“No, no - wear your overcoat you just got. It will be fine.”
The rest of the day passed in the same way as many of the days before it. Spock read for most of the morning and afternoon, getting through another journal. At the rate he was going it appeared that he would meet his self-imposed deadline.
Most of the entries now were just a recounting of Jim's daily life on New Vulcan, often gripes about his students at the University of New Vulcan or complaints of the various health problems that sprung up occasionally as he got older and older. His most common complaint was of problems with his leg, the one that had been damaged in a skirmish with a Klingon ship during the Two-Year War. Spock remembered that it was his left leg, and that it caused problems for him on and off for the rest of his life.
<
“Spock had his first freak out this morning,” one entry began, and Spock knew immediately what it was going to be about. “My age is catching up to me and Spock is still just barely middle aged for a Vulcan. We've always known he would be the one to outlive me, unless he died in combat. But here we are - a Human starting to get up there in years and a middle-aged Vulcan, and it's really starting to sink in that I have fewer years ahead of me than in front. Spock panicked a little today when I stumbled a bit on the stairs. He nearly shouted at me, that I have to be more careful, that I could really hurt myself if I fell, then he kind of stopped all of a sudden and this awful look came over his face and this sinking feeling of dread coming from the bond and hell if I know what to do so I just went over and kissed him and told him I may be old but I'm only 71 so I've got another couple of decades before he needs to start really worrying. I think it made him feel a bit better, or at least he shielded the bond after that. I don't know.
I feel horrible for Spock but getting older is scary for me too. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die. Sometimes I think about how invincible I felt when I was younger and compare it to now and it's just depressing, I guess. Just gotta try and not think about it.”
Spock sighed. He remembered that stage in their lives and remembered that it was an uneasy one, and the issues that stemmed from it continued to intrude on their lives until Jim died. It was not pleasant, always knowing that someday he would be the one who would be left behind.
“Mr. Spock!” Pavel called from downstairs. “I have made dinner. We should eat before mass. Don't want to get hungry!”
They ate a small meal, and soon it was time to leave.
“It's cold out today,” Pavel said, checking his communicator for the weather. “Oh, it says it will be snowing in an hour... Make sure you bring a scarf and wear your boots. And gloves! Where did I leave my gloves...”
After Spock was adequately bundled up, they made their way to the hovercar parked outside, and then they were off.
When they arrived at the cathedral they were hard-pressed to find a parking space. The cathedral was already surrounded by people milling about and making their way into the building. A few children ran about and played but most of them clung to a parent, too sleepy to put forth the effort.
Pavel led Spock through the crowd that had accumulated and into the main part of the cathedral. Spock paused to study the interior of the building, all high ceilings and tinted glass windows depicting key figures of the Catholic faith. They sat down at the end of a nearly-empty row of pews towards the back of the aisles, where they had entered from.
“Lucky for us they did away with the tradition of no seats, having to stand,” Pavel commented wryly, and Spock raised an eyebrow.
As they sat and waited and more people came in and filled the pews, Spock looked about the cathedral and wondered why it was that the belief in a higher power appeared to be an innate, basic instinct not only in Humans but in approximately eighty percent of all species and cultures. It was a fascinating thing to think about, really, because a characteristic common in such a high percentage of species that had often evolved and developed independently of one another was difficult to brush off as coincidence. Where had this need for a “god” come from? The idea of a god was often accompanied by the idea of an afterlife - maybe that was the idea that appealed to so many?
He wondered as everyone settled into their seats and the choir filed up near the altar. The service began as the choir started to sing.
Spock only half-listened to the hymn, still preoccupied with the thoughts that had seized him. Maybe it was that the idea of an afterlife that appealed more than the idea of a god, and it was only happenstance that gods and afterlives often went hand-in-hand. The majority of sentient beings either believed in a higher power or understood that there were those who did, and the majority of those beliefs included belief in an afterlife. The majority of sentient beings also expressed a fear of death. Perhaps, he thought, perhaps that explained the religion phenomenon.
Even logic-practicing Vulcans could have religion. There had been one major polytheistic religion on Vulcan for many centuries, and some Vulcans still practiced observance to the gods.
“Merry Christmas!” said the priest who had stepped up to the podium, grabbing Spock's attention. The priest was a tall woman with short auburn-red hair, and she smiled widely at the chorus of “Merry Christmas!” from the congregation that answered her.
“Welcome,” she continued, “to both our regular church members, and to those of you who may be joining us for the first time today...”
Spock looked down at his gloved hands, clasped loosely in his lap. To be honest he had very little interest in what she had to say. She would give a few welcoming words and announcements before starting a sermon about the Christmas story, which Spock was familiar with.
So even Vulcans had religion, but Spock personally was skeptical at best. He did not know if there was a higher power or an afterlife and he knew there was really no way he would ever know until he died. There was not evidence for or against either idea - frankly there was no empirical, scientific evidence at all on the subject and it was likely that there never would be, so it was impossible to prove there was and impossible to prove there wasn't. Spock simply did not know.
But - if there were an afterlife, then would Jim still be alive in that afterlife? If there were an afterlife, was there then hope that Spock would see his t'hy'la again?
He tried to push the thought away. It would only cause him undue distress, he knew. He knew hope was illogical, knew that the idea of an afterlife was scientifically unsound at best - but as he had learned many times over in the course of his life, when it came to his Jim, logic had a way of escaping his grasp.
That was almost reason enough to cling desperately to a belief in a god and an afterlife. If there was any chance that what Spock knew to be a permanent separation was only an interlude before their next meeting - well, it was hard to say no to such an idea.
But Jim was dead and nothing could change that fact. Spock knew hope was illogical - but in that moment he allowed himself to hope, wildly and desperately, that someday he would see his t'hy'la again. In spite of himself he hoped that all his skepticism about an afterlife would be proven to be completely wrong. He looked about the cathedral, looked upon the artist renditions of the visages of the Virgin Mary and the Twelve Apostles and Jesus Christ himself, hanging upon a Roman cross - and he hoped vehemently that there was a grain of truth to this religion, to any religion, and that somehow, somewhere, his Jim's spirit lived on apart from the body that had died, hoped that Jim's end of the broken bond yearned just as desperately for Spock as Spock's did for Jim, hoped that when he died Jim would be the one to welcome him to an afterlife that he did not truly believe in.
The bond throbbed and his whole body ached.
“Amen,” the congregation of people said suddenly, all their murmurs combining into a rumble that pulled Spock from his somber thoughts. People began to stand, many of them carrying dozing children. Pavel looked at Spock.
“Come,” he said. “Most people will now be going to wait for it to be midnight, to welcome Christmas Day in with the bells. But it is late and I am too old and too tired for this. If it's alright with you, of course, I would like to go home.”
“That is fine,” Spock said, his voice coming out fainter than he intended, and Pavel smiled.
They went back to the hovercar and began driving back to Pavel's home. Spock looked out the window and thought to himself that he really was making a valiant effort to continue to live his life without Jim. He looked up at the night sky - what Humans often called the heavens - and hoped that, if there was an afterlife, that Jim was watching him now, had seen all Spock had done in the months since his departure. Spock hoped that Jim was proud, and hoped that when they met again he would tell him how proud he was.
* * *
On Christmas morning, Spock awoke to find that Pavel had placed a small gift outside his door. He bent down carefully to pick it up. It was a small box-shape wrapped in plain brown wrapping, with the words “To Spock” scrawled in black ink. He opened it to find that it was a paper copy of the novel Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Somehow he was not surprised that Pavel had chosen such a gift - if he recalled correctly he had been given two other copies of the same book plus a copy of The Brothers Karamazov by Pavel over the course of many years and many Christmases. Pavel had also gifted others with copies of such paper books as One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and Anna Karenina, all Russian literature. It appeared to be his go-to option for gifts, which Spock found amusing. He carefully placed the novel on the bookshelf and put the wrapping in the recycler before making his way downstairs.
“Merry Christmas,” Pavel said from the kitchen as Spock entered the living room. The cat was sitting on the couch and stared at him, tail twitching. “Did you see my gift?”
“Merry Christmas,” Spock replied. “Yes, I did see your gift. Thank you. I did not obtain a gift for you, however, and I apologize.”
“Oh, it's fine. It's fine,” Pavel said, and as Spock stepped into the kitchen he could see that Pavel was cooking.
“What are you doing?” Spock asked, honestly surprised. He had only ever seen Pavel use the replicator in the past.
“When I was a young one, my mother would always make a special breakfast on Christmas,” Pavel confessed. “It is not in Russian tradition, but she would make, what do you call it, French toast. The replicator just doesn't make it the way she did. She left me all her special recipes when Hikaru and I moved in together and I've always made her French toast for breakfast since then. Is a silly story, but that is why.”
“I see,” Spock replied, watching as Pavel whisked a liquid mixture in a bowl.
“Do not worry, I made it vegetarian just for you,” Pavel said brightly. “No eggs, and I used almond milk just in case, as well.”
“Thank you.”
Spock set out plates and silverware on the table while Pavel cooked, and when it was done they sat down and ate quietly, the cat watching them intently with its tail swishing back and forth.
The food was sweet and rich and filling, and Spock enjoyed it. Jim had made French toast a few times over the course of their lives together, but it had been so long that Spock could now barely remember the taste. But it was good.
After they had both finished eating, Spock set down his silverware carefully onto his plate, then looked over at Pavel who sat across from him, and said,
“I am very grateful for all you have done for me in the past month.” Pavel blushed and chuckled nervously.
“Oh, sir, is nothing,” he said.
“It is certainly not nothing. I am very much indebted to your hospitality. I would like this opportunity to say thank you.”
“Well - you're welcome, Mr. Spock. You are very welcome.”
Spock hesitated, then continued,
“I am telling you this because I believe I will be going back to San Francisco in the next few days.”
At that Pavel's face changed from a flustered expression to a surprised one, his eyebrows darting up and his eyes going wide, lips pursing in a silent “oh.”
“Are you sure, Mr. Spock?” Pavel said, his brows furrowing just as quickly as they had leaped up his forehead. “You do not want to stay for New Year's?”
“I do not think so. As I said I am grateful for your hospitality, but I feel I am ready to move on.”
“But - you'll be alone for the holiday, sir.”
Spock paused. He knew the holiday Pavel was referring to was not New Year's Day, but Federation Day - January fourth - Jim's birthday. January fourth had first been a day of mourning on Earth, a day of remembrance for the USS Kelvin and George Kirk's sacrifice to save its crew. But then, a few years after the Narada Massacre, it was declared Federation Day in honor of James Kirk, whose birthday was January fourth, and his heroic rescue of the Earth. While it was not celebrated as vehemently as New Year's Day (Spock had been to enough New Year's parties to know), because of it being very close in date, it was generally celebrated with fireworks, like New Year's. Most major cities would have a fireworks show or two, and residents of smaller cities would often shoot off their own fireworks in celebration.
Spock knew Pavel was talking about Federation Day, but he also knew that if there was any day he wanted to be utterly and completely alone, it would be Jim's birthday.
“I understand that,” Spock replied finally. “I would prefer it that way.”
Pavel studied him for a long moment, his expression one Spock had no name for.
“...All right,” he murmured finally. “I suppose I cannot argue with you.”
“Thank you,” Spock said, and he meant it.
“Well, I suppose this means you'll need to buy a shuttle ticket,” Pavel continued. “I will look into it for you. Trust me, I know what are the good shuttle companies and what are the bad ones! Just leave it to me.”
“I trust your judgment,” Spock replied wryly, then they gathered up the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and Spock went back up to his room while Pavel set to cleaning up the kitchen.
* * *
“Today was our 60th anniversary. It's hard to believe so much time has passed but I'm glad too because that means I spent all that time with Spock. To celebrate we went out for dinner and saw an opera. The opera was great and dinner was wonderful.”
* * *
“The administrators are telling me I need to start thinking about retiring sometime in the next few years. I dont really want to retire but I guess I'm starting to get too old to keep up with all these young brilliant Vulcan minds. I've been making too many spelling mistakes in my old age for their comfort. But I guess retiring around 90 isn't bad and if I get too antsy sitting at home doing nothing I can always get a part time job or something. It's strange to think that here I am starting to plan retirement in a few years yet Spock will probably be working for another 50-60 yrs before he has to start even thinking of it.
I have to remember to call Bones this week. Don't forget!!”
* * *
“Today Spock & I went to that furniture store to get a new rug for the living room and when we were there I saw one of the students I had in the very first class I taught at UNV over 40 yrs ago. Crazy!! She was there with a man who looked like he was her bondmate & two boys who were probably around 15 yrs old. I wasn't gonna talk to her but then she recognized me so we chatted while Spock looked at rugs. She told me that because of me being her professor she decided to go into intergalactic relations instead of xenobiology, spent 5 yrs living on Earth where she got a PhD in IR from a prestigious school I forget which one she said but I think it was Harvard or Yale or something like that. She's working at Federation HQ but is on vacation on Vulcan to visit her family right now. She told me “you were the one who showed me how important it is that species communicate with each other, understand each other, and work together”. Her bondmate just sort of grinned at that. He was a Human! So her two kids are half-Vulcans, like Spock. Cute kids too. But it was really nice to hear that I impacted someone in a positive way like that. Really nice.”
* * *
“Happy New Year! Actually Vulcans don't celebrate the new year and I think it's like midsummer on Earth right now. The way interplanetary timezones work has just gotten more confusing over the years I suppose. Might just be me. Either way today is the first day of the new year here on New Vulcan and even though Vulcans don't celebrate it I had a little of our imported champagne last night the way they do on Earth. I do that almost every year but Spock always thinks its funny.”
* * *
When the day came for Spock to return to San Francisco, he was ready to go. Again all his belongings had been packed into the boxes they had come in, plus an extra box he had needed to buy to pack up the winter clothing he had purchased while in Russia. He packed three journals plus the one he was currently reading into his carry-on bag. It would be a trip of nearly ten hours.
Pavel drove him to the shuttle port, chatting the whole way even though Spock gave few responses.
When they arrived at the shuttle port, Pavel walked him into the building, then they paused before the gate. Pavel reached over and gave Spock's shoulder a few firm pats, smiling.
“I have very much enjoyed having you visit. You must come visit again sometime,” he said.
“I will certainly attempt to,” Spock said. “Thank you for your hospitality.”
“It was my pleasure, definitely,” Pavel replied. “Like I said, I will be glad to have you visit again.”
Spock did not reply to that, and they stood silently for a moment before Pavel said, a little softer,
“Well, I suppose this is goodbye.”
“It would seem so.”
“Well, then, goodbye, Spock. I wish you happiness in the future.”
“Goodbye, Pavel.”
Pavel squeezed his shoulder one last time, then let his arm drop to his side. Spock turned to the gate, scanned his ticket, and stepped through. When he glanced back he could see Pavel stepping through the automatic doors and walking outside to where his hovercar was parked. Spock turned away and walked to his boarding gate.
* * *
“Its final now. This upcoming semester will be my last semester teaching at UNV and then I will be retiring. I'm happy and sad at the same time, it's bittersweet. I'm starting to look forward to retirement but at the same time I really enjoy what I do and being retired means I'm just that much closer to becoming a useless old person. I don't mind being old but I don't want to be useless and just sit around all day watching dramas on the holoscreen. Guess it's time to start looking into hobbies I could pick up. Who knows maybe I can still do something amazing and worthwhile in whatever time I have left. I told Spock today that once I'm retired I could volunteer to be the guinea pig when Starfleet has to test out new ships & stuff. He didn't think I was very funny.”
* * *
“I guess I'm just planning too far in advance but I'm still thinking of hobbies and stuff I could start doing once I retire. I told Spock I was thinking of picking up tribble breeding, our house is definitely big enough after all. He didn't seem too keen on the idea so then I suggested breeding sehlats and he seemed even less keen on it. So then I said “well let's just do some breeding of our own” and I finally got him to laugh a bit. Whew!! I was starting to think my sense of humor had become bland in my old age but I guess I was worried for nothing.
But some hobbies I'm looking at a little more seriously is model starships. I had some as a kid and it would be a fun way to keep up with everything Starfleet is doing nowadays (though how they can even function properly without me is beyond my comprehension ha ha ha!). It's cooler than other stuff old people collect like old coins and stuff, at least. I'm still a cool dude, right? Right??”
* * *
“I heard today that Nyota's a great-grandmother now! Wow!! I can't get over how huge her family is. There's practically ten thousand of them! Her new great-grandbaby is a baby girl. I hope I get to see her before she's grown up! It's been awhile since Spock and I have visited our friends on Earth. I think once I retire we will have to plan an Earth trip! Especially to see Bones. We talk often but haven't seen each other in years.”
* * *
“Well - that was it! Today was my last day at UNV. It wasn't anything like my last day teaching at Starfleet Academy - no party or anything, but it's almost all Vulcans so that makes sense. I gave my last final exam, put in the final grades, packed up the last of the stuff in my office, and off I went! It's crazy to think that now I'm unemployed and have nothing I need to do anymore after having been working practically nonstop since I was, what, 18? I think that's when I got my first job. Maybe 17. I don't quite remember. But either way, somewhere around the past 70 years I've been working! I spent about 30 or 35 yrs with Starfleet, between active duty and teaching at the Academy. Plus the 32 yrs with UNV... I guess if I couldn't spend my whole life out in the black, spending most of it teaching is a pretty great alternative.
Spock and I are celebrating the occasion by going out for dinner tonight. I got to choose where since I'm the one retiring so I'm thinking we might go to that Human cuisine place downtown. I guess I've been feeling a bit nostalgic!”
* * *
When Spock finally arrived at his apartment in San Francisco (that had been lived in for two days and empty for two months), the first thing he did was turn up the temperature control, because even though Russia had been far more cold than San Francisco, now that he was in his own home he was going to finally make the climate one he was comfortable in. The heating unit turned on with a rumble as he set the temperature for ninety degrees Fahrenheit. He found himself not caring how high his utilities bill would end up being.
The room warmed up quickly as he unpacked, and by the time he was done the room was good and comfortably hot, and the chill he had been feeling before was completely gone. He looked about the room, reacquainting himself with it. It had never had a chance to really become home to him, and so it was like he was visiting someone again instead of returning home. But this was a sentimental thought, and he discarded it immediately - it was an apartment just as good as any other. He lived here now, so it was his home.
It was now the twenty-eighth of December - exactly a week remained until Jim's birthday and he had ten more journals to read. That was manageable. He pulled the journal he had been reading through on the shuttle out from where he had set in on the bookshelf, and settled into the chair that he had positioned near the window.
* * *
“Got some bad news today. Bones has gotten sick & is in the hospital right now. Joanna called me freaking out about it. I guess it doesn't seem serious right now but Bones has rarely been sick and he's getting old enough that it could be bad, so she was panicking a bit. I talked to her for a little while and she seemed to calm down a bit but I know shes still worried. I don't blame her I'm worried too. I talked to Spock about how I wanted to make the trip to Earth to go see him because I was worried but he said that the docs said it wasn't serious so we should wait to see what happens before deciding to make the trip all the way to Earth. I know he's right but I still have a bad feeling about all of this. Definitely gonna need some of the Vulcan port that Spock brought home the other day with dinner tonight.”
* * *
“Joanna's been keeping us updated on Bones and for the past week or so he's been alright but today she called saying that he's taken a turn for the worse and if we were gonna head to Earth we should do it now. Spock and I packed really fast & got a shuttle ticket for today and I'm writing this as we're waiting in the shuttle port. I'm really really worried and Spock keeps trying to get me to calm down but I think that I should be allowed to freak out a little when my best friend is in the hospital. Please let the shuttle get here soon. Please let everything work out ok. I know we're all getting old but god damn it Bones is only a few years older than I am, not old enough to die yet.”
* * *
“Bones died at about 9am Earth time today. The shuttle touched down at the port in Georgia at 10am. We were too late to do anything. The funeral will be on Friday. I guess we're staying there until then.
I should have been there, if it was me I know Bones would have been there. But I wasn't and I hate myself for it and I should have insisted we go when Joanna first called us, but we didn't. I'm trying really hard to not blame Spock but I'm just so angry and upset right now I cant even be around him. As soon as we had everything in our hotel room I took my stuff and went for a walk. It's a pretty nice day out. Bones should be here, damn it. I should have been there. I should have fucking been there.”
* * *
“The funeral was today. It was a nice service. I'm going to miss him so much.
I know Spock feels horrible about everything and I know he knows I'm still not happy with him. But he hasn't said anything about it and I don't want to bring it up. Everything just hurts and I don't want to deal with it now.
We're going back to New Vulcan tomorrow afternoon.”
* * *
Before long it was New Year's Eve, a rather important Earth holiday that Spock gave little heed to. He spent the night reading and reading as fireworks flashed outside his window. He got up only to close the curtains. At one point he took a break briefly to get a glass of water, and remembered how last New Year's, Jim had been alive and Spock had brought him a glass of champagne in the middle of the afternoon, approximately the time that people in California would have been celebrating the New Year. Jim had smiled, his hands trembling, and sipped the champagne as they relaxed out on their porch, in the shade but looking out at the small garden. It had been a pleasant day, and they had remained outside for approximately one hour before Spock gently guided Jim's hoverchair back inside.
There were only four journals left. It was beginning to become unpleasant to continue, as Jim's handwriting began to grow shakier and shakier, his spelling less precise, his sentences more flighty. But Spock had to finish - and so he kept reading.
* * *
“The school year has started up again for Spock and so now I'm at home by myself all the time. I get very bored so I've been sleeping a lot and watching a lot of shows on the holoscreen, which I told myself I wasn't going to do. But I don't have much to do so it's either holoscreen or games on the PADD. I'd like to start cooking again now that I've actually got the time for it but Im afraid if I do I will start eating too much again and I don't want to get into an unhealthy weight again but I guess if I try “healthy” cooking, whatever that means, it will be alright. I'll ask Spock about it.
Spock told me I ought to write a book about my life but I feel like that's what snobbish people do and I don't want to come of as a snob for the rest of all time, and anyway with these journals it feels like I've been writing a book about me for my entire life! Someday when I'm long gone maybe these journals will be published, like some famous authors, etc, and that will be my autobigraphy, but until then I'm fine letting other people do the writing about me.”
* * *
“I've always written my journals by hand but it's become a bit difficult to hold a pen so I might have to start typing it or maybe dictating to one of those speech-to-text machines. But it makes me sad, because I've always written these by hand and I dont want to have to stop now because I want them all to match, I guess would be the word. But then I think it might just be a bit of arthritis in my hand and painkillers will do the trick or I could go see my doctor about it. If I have to start keeping a journal digitaly I will but I don't want to.”
* * *
“Made a stir-fry with some veggies from the garden for dinner today. It was a bit hard to cut some of the vegetables because my hands have still been bugging me but I got it done and Spock liked it. Need to remember to use more seasoning for the sauce next time though.
Spock was telling me about some of the research proposals that have been brought up this week and I really and honestly only completely understood about half of them. Guess this means I need to start reading more often. I didn't tell him that though he worries enough already.”
* * *
“Spock and I are going to take a trip to Earth, to visit Scotty&Uhura and Chekov&Sulu. Itll be great I'm sure. First were going to San Francisco then to Kenya. We might make a stop in Georgia to visit Bones' grave too. Really looking forward to it, so is Spock.”
* * *
“San francisco has been great. Really cold though! We spent a week w/ Chekov& Sulu doing touristy things, had a look around the Starfleet campus. Things have really changed.
Off to georgia for a day, then Kenya.”
* * *
“Georgia was nice, we only spent a day there catching up with Joanna then visiting Bones' grave, it was really nice and I'm glad we went.
Kenya is really hot, esp. compared to san francisco! Spock likes it better though of course. It was nice to meet all of Nyota & Scotty's family again though I can't remember the names of any of the grandkids and great-grandkids now. Theres just so many of them.
Waiting for the shuttle back home.”
* * *
“Home now. Hotter than even Kenya. I'll get used to it again fast though. Some of the plants in the yard died while we were away.”
* * *
“Since Spock's out of the house for most of the day and doing housekeeping type stuff is starting to become too difficult for me, we hired a housekeeper who will come in every other day. Itll be awkward because I'll be in the house when they are working but maybe if they come in the morning I can just sleep while theyre there but then Spock would get mad about our sheets never getting changed because I'd be sleeping when the housekeeper is there... I dont know I've never had a housekeeper before in my life I think because yeomen don't really count when you're on a starship it's not really the same. So I'm a little nervous about that even though Spock tells me I'm just being illogical which I know it is but I told him well it's a little harder to control your emotions when you're a Human. He told me “believe me t'hy'la I know this very well” and it made me laugh a bit.”
* * *
“Haven't written in a few days... I tripped and fell a few days ago. Just my luck it was a day the housekeeper wasn't coming but Spock felt it through the bond and came rushing home in a panic, he beat the ambulance by about a minute, haha. But it was definitely not fun, when we got to the hospital the doctor said I had busted my kneecap, on my bad leg too, so I needed osteo-regeneration to fix it which takes a day or two to do then another few days to set and make sure it's fixed right so here I am still in the hospital four days later but I should be going home tomorrow. Spock has been here every day and he brought my journal the day after it happened but I hadnt really wanted to write until now.
I really don't like getting old but then again who does.”
* * *
“Home now. Limping a bit but otherwise I'm fine. Spock is constantly worrying and worrying no matter what I try to do or say. I think that bothers me more than my leg does.”
* * *
“Today Spock told me he wants to quit at the NVSA so that he can stay at home with me. I told him that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard him say. I don't want him to quit his job that he likes but I don't know how to change his mind.
I hate this.”
* * *
“Doctor appointment today. Checking on my leg, should be fine tho.”
* * *
“Going to another doctor appt today. 3rd time this month but not about my leg this time. getting old is scary.”
* * *
“For a minute today I couldn't remember what Bones' actual name was and it was the scariest worst thing imaginable I nearly started to cry. He's been gone for about 20yrs now but he was my best friend I should never forget his name, if I can forget his then what if I forget Spock's? I dont want to forget.”
* * *
“Ive been taking my pain meds like usual but my leg has been aching a lot lately. Dunno whats wrong but I guess this means another doctor appt sometime soon.
Spock worrys so much I wish there was something I could do but I worry too so its hard.”
* * *
“Doctor said it would be better for me and Spock if I started using a hoverchair to get around. She said it would take a lot of the pressure off my knee thats making it hurt so it should stop and even if it doesnt they can give me one of those numing braces so I wont feel it as much. I know its the smarter thing to do but I feel like this means im giving up. I hate this I hate this so much.”
* * *
“Got the news today that Scotty died. Terrible. I dont think we can make it out to the funeral which just makes me feel worse.”
* * *
“Talked to the doctor again, spock and I have decided to buy a hoverchar so I can get around easier. Spock talked to her for a while after we were done and had me wait in the lobby and kept the bond closed. Whatever he was talking about it made me more nervous to not know wat it was than if I did know. When we got home I just sat and cried for a while and spock held my hand for a long time but I still feel so horrible about everything. People always say you wont be young forever but i dont think I ever realized just how tru that is until now. I havent ben young for a long long time but I have never felt this old before and its just scarey.”
* * *
“First day on the hoverchair today. Its not too bad i guess it really does make it easier to get around it even goes up stairs no prblem which is great. i said to spock it would be better if we could rig it up with some warp boosters wouldnt that get me around quick? He laughed a little bit and it seemd like the first time hes laughed in a relly really long time.”
* * *
“just been feeling miserable about everything lately, its made Spock be in a bad mood a lot lately too so thats been hard. I dont want us to fight but then we end up just not talking and thats not good either. I guess im just scared about being old, scared about dying, and me being scared only makes Spock worry more. His last pon far was really rough and even if im alive for his next I know I wont be able to help him. I told him to find someone else to bond with after I die but he won't and that makes me angry but also a litle happy which I know is bad but even tho I know its necesary I dont like the thought of him being bonded to anyone else.”
* * *
With the more recent journal entries came memories that were painfully fresh, and Spock found that he was needing to meditate more often than usual in order to maintain emotional balance. Reading about Jim's fear of the death he knew was soon, remembering his own terror knowing the same thing - it was all taking a toll on his mental well-being. But more meditation meant less time to read.
It was now the day before Jim's birthday, and Spock had two journals left. He sat down to his morning meal with the next journal in front of him, and read.
* * *
“Spock went back to work at the NVSA today so im home by myself again. but its not so bad this time I have my hoverchar so its easy to get around. Hes teaching less classes this year so he doesnt have to be away from home so much, im just glad he didnt resine. As for me I slept a little late today then i went out and sat in the shade and read a bit before it got too warm then when I went inside I watched some shows on the holoscreen like there was an intresting documntry about starfleet things then i took a nap and now ive woken up and Spock shuld be home soon. Boring day but I think most of the days will be like that when spock is gone”
* * *
“been really tired lately and sleeping a lot Spock worrys about it but I dont see what there is to worry about. Sleepy is better than sick.”
* * *
“got the news today that sulu died yesterday, really sad poor chekov. I know were not gonna be able to travel to earth for the funeral so I tryed to type up a message to send to him but my hands were relly shaky so I couldnt and had to wait for Spock to come home to type it.
As strange as it sounds im not so scared of dying any more. Being dead cant be worse than being old and frail and not bing able to do anything yourself any more but then I think what is Spock going to do without me and I know I have to hold on for as long as I can.”
* * *
There was an entry that Spock could not read. Jim's handwriting was shaky at best now, but it seemed as though he had not even been writing anything purposely on this page. The page contained only scribbles, as if he had been testing a pen, but the scribbles filled up the lines of the page from top to bottom. Spock studied it for a moment, unsure what it meant or if it meant anything at all.
In the journals most entries were just plainly written upon the page, though there were some that had deviated from the norm. Often in the older journals from when Jim was younger there would be small illustrations in the margins. Many entries had been accompanied by small things pasted onto the page that were relevant to topics discussed in the entry, for example, when Jim and Spock saw an Andorian musical while on shore leave during their second five-year mission on the Enterprise, Jim had glued the paper tickets onto the relevant entry. He had often drawn small diagrams when writing about skirmishes or battles they had fought or new strategies he was contemplating.
But Spock had never come across a page of scribbles before, and he was not sure what to make of it.
He searched the page line by line, wondering if he was missing something, but there was nothing. He looked at the date of the previous entry, trying to tie the mysterious scribbles to something that had happened around that time. But he could think of nothing - though, knowing Jim, it certainly could have been representative of an event that had taken place, but Spock had never been able to think as disjointedly as Jim could.
It was nearing the late afternoon. Spock could spare an hour to meditate before reading on - he was nearly done with the journal. So, carefully, he set the journal aside and pulled out his meditation mat and incense.
He was almost there.
* * *
“Spock finally dragged me to the doctor again becuse he's worryd about how much I have been sleeping. Doc said it was pretty normal but that if spock was conserned he could wake me if I slept over eight hours at a time but I havent really been sleeping a lot all at once it's more like hour naps a couple times during the day plus regular night time sleeping, and besides with the bond he would know if anything abnormal was going on even while I was sleeping so I dont know what hes so worryd about. Not very logical if you ask me but spock wasnt happy when I said that to him. But I guess its not a big deal if I try to sleep a little less after all if im going to die soon I want to spend as much time as I can with spock and not sleeping.”
* * *
“its relly hard to write out entries still but im going to try to hand write for as long as poss. Even if it takes me an hour to write an entry its not like I have anything more exiting or important to do. I just hope that my hands dont shake so much that no one will ever be able to read this because I like the idea of all these journals being used by historans someday since if peple are going to remeber me as a hero then they shuld be able to read about the real me and not the super me starfleet likes to talk about.”
* * *
“Spock had a suprise for me when he got home today he said he needed to stop at the post office after work but didnt tell me what for. And when he got home he had a box and when he opened it there were six apples inside all different kinds that he had ordered from earth just for me and made sure I didnt know so it was a suprise. I was so happy I nearly cryed but I didnt but then spock cut one up for me to eat, a red one, and it was so great and still cool from the temp. controls in the box and it had been years since I had eaten a real fresh apple which were always my favrites and then I did start to cry a little bit. I wish I could do little things for spock like this but its hard to do anything when your in a hoverchar and sleepy alot and your hands shake so much it takes hours to write in your journal. He said not to worry about doing anything for him because that he did this for me because he new that I missed earth and said he new it wasnt always fair to me that we lived on new vulcan for most of our lives but that he hoped he could make up for it even a little and it was so sweet and sad I didnt know what to do. I love spock so much and I hate that he has to be the one to be left behind. We put the rest of the apples in the food preserver so I can have another tomorow and until they run out I guess nothing last forever”
* * *
Before he knew it, Spock had finished that journal and there was now only one left. Slowly he set down the completed journal, checking the time. It was not yet late into the evening, and Jim's birthday was tomorrow.
He got up and put the journal away and began to reach for the final one, but paused. Maybe it would be better if he saved it for tomorrow. Yes, certainly, it would be more fitting to read it tomorrow. He could wait. It was an important journal that could wait for an important day. He stepped away from the bookshelf.
It was not yet late into the evening, but Spock prepared himself for sleep anyway. Tomorrow he would read the journal, but now it was time to rest.
* * *
The next morning Spock woke at his usual time, had his usual morning meal, meditated briefly, then reached for the final journal - and stopped.
Maybe he shouldn't read this one, he thought. Jim had told him that he could read any journals except the one he was writing in, and this was the journal that Jim had never finished. When he had died the journal had only been about halfway filled.
Spock hesitated, unsure of what to do. He had wanted to finish the journals today, Jim's birthday - but suddenly he was not so sure anymore. Finally he stepped away from the bookshelf. He would wait until later in the day. There was very little to be read.
The morning went by as Spock restlessly looked for things to do to keep him occupied in his apartment. He tidied his bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. He glanced over at the bookshelf with the journals, still feeling uneasy. He would wait a little longer.
As he sat down to meditate he could hear people walking down the hallway outside his door.
“Happy Federation Day!” he heard a male voice call out, answered by a female one; “Happy Federation Day! Did you remember to get...?” The voice faded as the people moved further down the hall.
It was Federation Day - it was Jim's birthday. It was Jim's birthday and he had one journal left and he could not bring himself to read it. Unsettled, he closed his eyes to meditate.
Why had he been so anxious to finish them today? What was he expecting? And why now could he not bring himself to finish? As he meditated he could not stop wondering.
When he came out of meditation he knew that the overwhelming sense of urgency and expectation that had driven him to read through eighty-two journals in two months was gone. He did not know what he had been anticipating, but the anticipation had left him, as though he had missed a deadline and now had no reason to want to finish what he had started.
He stood up and went to the kitchen to prepare a small midday meal, ignoring the sense of despair beginning to build in his chest.
* * *
As the day went on, minute by minute and hour by hour, Spock steadily began to feel more and more unhappy until, when the sky had grown dark, realization hit him full-force.
Part of him had known all along that nothing would happen if he finished the journals today, and the rest of him, the part that had been clinging to that foolish hope, had come to know it too. There would be no miracle, no sign, no more closure than that he had already been given. Spock knew that, had known it all along, but somehow the realization of it now was painful beyond measure.
In the end, no matter how much worth Spock put into them, Jim's journals were just notebooks filled with words. In the end, it doesn't matter how special or precious Jim's birthday was - it was just another day in a countless, constant string of days.
Outside Spock could hear fireworks beginning to burst in the sky, flashes of light illuminating the window. Furiously he went to the window and nearly tore the curtains as he pulled them closed. How dare they rejoice? How dare they celebrate on Jim's birthday, celebrate as Spock was alone and hurting? Didn't they care that Jim was gone, that Jim was dead?
Spock let out a heavy breath as if he'd been punched in the gut, sitting down hard in the chair that faced the window. That was it. Jim was gone. Jim was dead.
He looked at the bookshelf and, with shaking hands, reached for the journal he had not read. He held it in front of him and still he could not bring himself to open it.
What good would it do? His t'hy'la had been taken from him and nothing could make that any easier, journals or not. Their lives together were over and he would never see Jim again, would never feel anything but pain on the other end of the bond. Nothing could ever make that any better and he had been foolish to think otherwise.
He clutched the journal harder, pulling it close to his body, to his heart. He was hurt and confused and despairing and angry, so overwhelmingly angry - but there was no one, nothing to direct his anger at. Jim was dead, he would never see Jim again - but no one was at fault for it and that only made the anger burn worse.
Spock did not know what else he could do so he clutched the half-finished journal to his heart and squeezed his eyes shut against the flash of celebratory fireworks outside the window, out in a world that had gone on without Jim, and tried very hard to convince himself he was not crying.
* * *
The next morning was painfully anticlimactic. Spock rose at his usual time, used the sonic shower, and made a breakfast of light broth and tea. He looked out the window at the gray-blue San Francisco skyline as he ate.
But then he was at a loss. All of his free time in the past two months on Earth had been devoted to reading the journals, but now Jim's birthday had passed, there was one journal left and Spock didn't know if he wanted to read it. He looked over at where it was still laying on the reading chair by the window.
Spock cleaned up the breakfast dishes and sat down to meditate, lighting a stick of incense. After yesterday, meditation was what he desperately needed. With a near-herculean effort he cleared his mind and then rested in the blankness, the silence, until he could think straight again.
He was Vulcan. He was logical and strong and certainly had the strength to keep his all-too-Human emotions from affecting him. He was Vulcan, and Vulcans finished what they started.
Carefully Spock stood up, went to the reading chair, and picked up the journal. He looked at it, calm and collected, then sat down and opened the first page.
* * *
“This is my 82nd journal. I really dont know how I maneged to end up with so many but there it is. This is a pretty nice one too I had to order it off the nets since theres no local place to buy paper producs. The cover is fake lether spock freaked out when he frist saw it before I could tell him it wasnt real I think I only have one or two real lether ones anyway. I dont know if ill be around long enogh to fill up this journal but im hoping.”
* * *
“been a little hard to breath latley plus being tired so Spocks worryd as usual. The doctor came over and said theres nothing that can be fixed really but she gave me some meds to make it easier to breath but I dont now if I will take them because im already taking alot of meds and I dont now if i want to take anymore of course spock might not give me a choise in the matter.
On the news today there was a spesial about how strfleet is begining work on building a new enterprise from scratch they say it will probly be space-redy in eight to ten yrs so it looks i wont be around to see it wich is a shame it seems like itll be a grate ship.”
* * *
“it terrifys me to think that any of these entrys could be my last”
* * *
“dear Spock
it will probly take me all day to writ this but your at work late today so I want to writ this all now while I can
I dont know if youll evr read this or not but I hope you do someday I now you nevr had an intrest in reading any of my jrnals but I hope someday you do I want you to read this someday.
I want to tell you this even tho you can hear it from me every day from my mouth or my brain or both
I love you, I love you more than anything in the hole universe and evry alternat universe that exsists and I dont want you to ever forget that no matter how much time passes. Know that all my life ive loved you with everything I could.
And since I love you I want you to be happy even after im gone. I know im gonna die soon and I hate that youlll be left behind to deal with everything the sadness and lonliness and broken bond. But I hope somday you can remember me happily but be able to move on. I want you to live the long yrs of life I know you still have ahed of you. I now you have said no evry time I mention it but I rely do hope you dont let yourself die in your next pon farr in a couple years I now you have no intrest in forming another bond but someday please consider it, for me because I will be happyest knowing you lived a long long life like I have.
I am glad for the life I had with you spock I am just sorry that my human lifespan isnt anywhere near your vulcan one and I cant be there for your whole life. But I promise you that no mater what happens when I die, ill be waiting for you to catch up with me. I may have to leve you behind now but I promise ill be waiting if theres any fairness in the universe well be together again someday and we wont have to be seprated ever again.
I love you
your thyla,
Jim”
* * *
Spock stared and stared at the entry addressed to him, tears welling in his eyes as everything he thought he knew yesterday disappeared.
Their lives together weren't over and he would - he would - see Jim again. Jim had promised him that, and if there was anything Spock believed in, it was Jim. With every fiber of his being he believed in Jim, as he always had and always would.
Spock pressed a hand to his eyes for a moment before looking up out the window again. If Jim was watching him now he hoped Jim knew he was crying because he was happy, and he hoped that Jim was happy too.
When he was calm and composed again, Spock looked back to the journal and turned the page. There were only a few entries left.
* * *
“Summer brake started for the NVSA so spock gets a few weeks to spend at home with me I think hes talked to the NVSA council about me because hes only been out to teach maybe 2 or 3 days a week so I think theyre purposly letting him have more time at home I dont know if I should be iritated or grateful so I guess ill be grateful hes just here with me alot. I havent seen the housekeeper in a week or two I wonder if Spock got rid of her or something. Spock made breakfast for me today it was delicious he made earth style waffles my favrite im so lucky to have him.”
* * *
“hard to write but not much has been going on latly so I guess it dosnt matter. Today spock put in an audiobook and we lisened to it togethr all afternoon I dont remember exacly what it was about but it was set on betazed and it reminded me a little of romeo and juliet but with lots of political stuff going on I fell asleep for a bit toward the middl of it so I missed some important parts but wen I woke back up spock was still sitting there holding my hand and it was all just nice it was a good day.”
* * *
“today Spock took me outside to sit on the porch for a little while its still early in summer so its not too hot yet it was warm and I was happy and I love spock more than anything I dont want to leave him. He showd me some of the new flowers he planted in the yard they look great so far. Then we sat in the sun for a little bit then we went back inside and spock made lunch.
Theres going to be a meteor shower a few nites from now so I have to remeber to ask Spock to help me stay up to watch it. Ive been falling asleep early lately but I rely want to watch it with him.”
* * *
The pages after that were all blank. Spock remembered the events of the last entry and remembered Jim had died three days later.
They didn't get to watch the meteor shower together, and Jim's absence still lingered painfully and the bond still ached - but somehow Spock was at peace. He knew he would see Jim again someday.
But in the meantime he would live the life he had left, the way Jim wanted him to. He did not know how he would do it, what he would do - but he was going to try. Carefully he placed the journal back onto the bookshelf, then stood up and looked out the window. The weather looked relatively pleasant in spite of the time of year.
It had been days since he had been out of his apartment. He did not know what there was to do outside, but Jim would want him to find out.
Spock pulled on his coat and stepped out the door.
Rating: pg13
Wordcount: ~11,000 / 31,203
Warnings: major character death and all the baggage that comes with it
Disclaimer: don't own, etc.
Summary: Jim has died and Spock struggles to learn how to live without him.
A/N: written for ksrelativity . My prompt was: New Vulcan, notebook, birthday, fireworks.
“So I guess we're Starfleet retirees now. It feels pretty nice. Spock and I are renting out our houses in San Francisco and in Iowa, so we can live full-time at our New Vulcan house. I would rather be living in San Francisco but Spock's family is here plus the NVSA offered him a position as a professor which is a pretty big deal for him. I'm looking for a job here too, not sure what I would do but the search isn't going so well right now anyway. So here we are. To make up for it Spock is letting me pick out a sehlat cub and I get to name it so I guess that turns out something close to even.”
* * *
“Today was Spock's first day working at the NVSA. He's teaching advanced astrophysics and advanced theory of mathematics and it seemed to go pretty well today! I'm really really proud of him. Now I just need to find a job I can enjoy doing as much, haha. I heard that the delivery service is looking for a new shuttle pilot but something tells me Spock won't be too thrilled about a job that'll keep me out of the house for days on end. Darn. The search goes on, I guess. In the meantime I'm spending a lot of time at home with our sehlat cub, Jane. She's just the cutest thing but her fangs are already starting to come in so I'm having to teach her to play less roughly. Plus I have a lot of time to read everything I've been wanting to read and write in this so that's pretty nice. I guess I can't complain about not having a job too much after all.”
* * *
“So the other day Spock said he would talk to the dean of the NVSA to see if there were any teaching positions available in the next semester or so that they might consider hiring me for, since I was teaching at Starfleet before we moved. Basically it didn't go so well. The dean told him basically that they had made a stretch just for him and that the NVSA did not, under any circumstances, hire a non-Vulcan for teaching positions. I guess that even with New Vulcan being as progressive as it is compared to the original Vulcan there are some things that just don't change, at least not quickly. Whatever. There are other schools on New Vulcan. It's their loss because fuck them, I'm an awesome professor. Spock was really pissed about it too. He was ranting about resigning because of their jackassery but I told him no, he didn't need to give up a job he really enjoys just because the dean is a racist prick and plus if he's a professor there he has the opportunity to make sure the students aren't just getting spoon fed that guy's bullshit but can hear what Spock has to say too. Spock has already given up a lot because of me. I don't want this to be another thing to add to that list.”
* * *
“The NVSA can suck me because the University of New Vulcan just contacted me about a possible job opening next semester! Fuck yeah! I'm going in for an interview tomorrow.”
* * *
“Got the job. I'll be teaching classes on the history of the Federation and a theory of military strategy class, basically the same as what I was teaching at Starfleet. I start in about two months. Spock hasn't gotten home yet so he doesn't know I've gotten the job, though he probably suspects it since he can feel how happy I've been today. Still, I can't wait to tell him!”
* * *
“First day at UNV today. It went pretty decently. My class today was pretty small in size but considering that it's a military class taught by a Human I guess it's not surprising that most of the students are not entirely sold. That's alright though, just means that the students who are there are the ones who really want to be there. They all seemed like great students but considering they're Vulcans I think that's the norm. Either way it went well, my next class is tomorrow and that's the history of the Federation class so it'll probably be a bit bigger.
Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I keep getting the feeling from Spock that he's planning something but he's being really secretive about it. I guess that gives me a license to expect something amazing.”
* * *
“Let it be known that Spock is a huge fucking romantic. For our 20th anniversary (also holy shit where did those twenty years even go? I can't believe it's been that long) we went out to some fancy restaurant which was pretty nice, then Spock told me that he rented us a private spacecraft for the week of the summer break in about a month, which is one of those ones that have an autopilot and preset path of travel so you don't have to actually pilot it yourself, you can just chill out in space and I'm so excited! He really did do something awesome this time around. It's going to be really hard for me to think of something to do for us next year, but for now I'm just super excited. We get to spend a week in space - which is probably going to turn into a week straight of pure uninterrupted sex which is awesome too.
Spock - you are the best bondmate ever. Just saying. You need to tone it down a little so that I don't look like a complete loser compared to you! Asshole! I love you!”
* * *
“Just got back from our trip and it was great. Exactly what we needed. Feeling super refreshed and totally ready to take on the next semester!”
* * *
On Christmas Eve, the day began uneventfully. Spock ate a small breakfast early in the morning, the cat watching him from where it sat on the counter. When he was done he gave the cat a brief scratch behind its ears, causing it to purr.
Pavel walked into the kitchen at that moment.
“Good morning,” he said sleepily, glancing at Spock. “Have you eaten?”
“Yes,” Spock replied, straightening up. The cat looked at him unhappily.
“Mmm. You can turn on the holoscreen if you want.” Pavel yawned widely as he turned on the coffee maker, then continued, “Oh. Midnight mass starts at ten-thirty tonight. I was planning on leaving at ten.”
“I will be ready. Is there a particular dress code?”
“No, no - wear your overcoat you just got. It will be fine.”
The rest of the day passed in the same way as many of the days before it. Spock read for most of the morning and afternoon, getting through another journal. At the rate he was going it appeared that he would meet his self-imposed deadline.
Most of the entries now were just a recounting of Jim's daily life on New Vulcan, often gripes about his students at the University of New Vulcan or complaints of the various health problems that sprung up occasionally as he got older and older. His most common complaint was of problems with his leg, the one that had been damaged in a skirmish with a Klingon ship during the Two-Year War. Spock remembered that it was his left leg, and that it caused problems for him on and off for the rest of his life.
<
“Spock had his first freak out this morning,” one entry began, and Spock knew immediately what it was going to be about. “My age is catching up to me and Spock is still just barely middle aged for a Vulcan. We've always known he would be the one to outlive me, unless he died in combat. But here we are - a Human starting to get up there in years and a middle-aged Vulcan, and it's really starting to sink in that I have fewer years ahead of me than in front. Spock panicked a little today when I stumbled a bit on the stairs. He nearly shouted at me, that I have to be more careful, that I could really hurt myself if I fell, then he kind of stopped all of a sudden and this awful look came over his face and this sinking feeling of dread coming from the bond and hell if I know what to do so I just went over and kissed him and told him I may be old but I'm only 71 so I've got another couple of decades before he needs to start really worrying. I think it made him feel a bit better, or at least he shielded the bond after that. I don't know.
I feel horrible for Spock but getting older is scary for me too. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die. Sometimes I think about how invincible I felt when I was younger and compare it to now and it's just depressing, I guess. Just gotta try and not think about it.”
Spock sighed. He remembered that stage in their lives and remembered that it was an uneasy one, and the issues that stemmed from it continued to intrude on their lives until Jim died. It was not pleasant, always knowing that someday he would be the one who would be left behind.
“Mr. Spock!” Pavel called from downstairs. “I have made dinner. We should eat before mass. Don't want to get hungry!”
They ate a small meal, and soon it was time to leave.
“It's cold out today,” Pavel said, checking his communicator for the weather. “Oh, it says it will be snowing in an hour... Make sure you bring a scarf and wear your boots. And gloves! Where did I leave my gloves...”
After Spock was adequately bundled up, they made their way to the hovercar parked outside, and then they were off.
When they arrived at the cathedral they were hard-pressed to find a parking space. The cathedral was already surrounded by people milling about and making their way into the building. A few children ran about and played but most of them clung to a parent, too sleepy to put forth the effort.
Pavel led Spock through the crowd that had accumulated and into the main part of the cathedral. Spock paused to study the interior of the building, all high ceilings and tinted glass windows depicting key figures of the Catholic faith. They sat down at the end of a nearly-empty row of pews towards the back of the aisles, where they had entered from.
“Lucky for us they did away with the tradition of no seats, having to stand,” Pavel commented wryly, and Spock raised an eyebrow.
As they sat and waited and more people came in and filled the pews, Spock looked about the cathedral and wondered why it was that the belief in a higher power appeared to be an innate, basic instinct not only in Humans but in approximately eighty percent of all species and cultures. It was a fascinating thing to think about, really, because a characteristic common in such a high percentage of species that had often evolved and developed independently of one another was difficult to brush off as coincidence. Where had this need for a “god” come from? The idea of a god was often accompanied by the idea of an afterlife - maybe that was the idea that appealed to so many?
He wondered as everyone settled into their seats and the choir filed up near the altar. The service began as the choir started to sing.
Spock only half-listened to the hymn, still preoccupied with the thoughts that had seized him. Maybe it was that the idea of an afterlife that appealed more than the idea of a god, and it was only happenstance that gods and afterlives often went hand-in-hand. The majority of sentient beings either believed in a higher power or understood that there were those who did, and the majority of those beliefs included belief in an afterlife. The majority of sentient beings also expressed a fear of death. Perhaps, he thought, perhaps that explained the religion phenomenon.
Even logic-practicing Vulcans could have religion. There had been one major polytheistic religion on Vulcan for many centuries, and some Vulcans still practiced observance to the gods.
“Merry Christmas!” said the priest who had stepped up to the podium, grabbing Spock's attention. The priest was a tall woman with short auburn-red hair, and she smiled widely at the chorus of “Merry Christmas!” from the congregation that answered her.
“Welcome,” she continued, “to both our regular church members, and to those of you who may be joining us for the first time today...”
Spock looked down at his gloved hands, clasped loosely in his lap. To be honest he had very little interest in what she had to say. She would give a few welcoming words and announcements before starting a sermon about the Christmas story, which Spock was familiar with.
So even Vulcans had religion, but Spock personally was skeptical at best. He did not know if there was a higher power or an afterlife and he knew there was really no way he would ever know until he died. There was not evidence for or against either idea - frankly there was no empirical, scientific evidence at all on the subject and it was likely that there never would be, so it was impossible to prove there was and impossible to prove there wasn't. Spock simply did not know.
But - if there were an afterlife, then would Jim still be alive in that afterlife? If there were an afterlife, was there then hope that Spock would see his t'hy'la again?
He tried to push the thought away. It would only cause him undue distress, he knew. He knew hope was illogical, knew that the idea of an afterlife was scientifically unsound at best - but as he had learned many times over in the course of his life, when it came to his Jim, logic had a way of escaping his grasp.
That was almost reason enough to cling desperately to a belief in a god and an afterlife. If there was any chance that what Spock knew to be a permanent separation was only an interlude before their next meeting - well, it was hard to say no to such an idea.
But Jim was dead and nothing could change that fact. Spock knew hope was illogical - but in that moment he allowed himself to hope, wildly and desperately, that someday he would see his t'hy'la again. In spite of himself he hoped that all his skepticism about an afterlife would be proven to be completely wrong. He looked about the cathedral, looked upon the artist renditions of the visages of the Virgin Mary and the Twelve Apostles and Jesus Christ himself, hanging upon a Roman cross - and he hoped vehemently that there was a grain of truth to this religion, to any religion, and that somehow, somewhere, his Jim's spirit lived on apart from the body that had died, hoped that Jim's end of the broken bond yearned just as desperately for Spock as Spock's did for Jim, hoped that when he died Jim would be the one to welcome him to an afterlife that he did not truly believe in.
The bond throbbed and his whole body ached.
“Amen,” the congregation of people said suddenly, all their murmurs combining into a rumble that pulled Spock from his somber thoughts. People began to stand, many of them carrying dozing children. Pavel looked at Spock.
“Come,” he said. “Most people will now be going to wait for it to be midnight, to welcome Christmas Day in with the bells. But it is late and I am too old and too tired for this. If it's alright with you, of course, I would like to go home.”
“That is fine,” Spock said, his voice coming out fainter than he intended, and Pavel smiled.
They went back to the hovercar and began driving back to Pavel's home. Spock looked out the window and thought to himself that he really was making a valiant effort to continue to live his life without Jim. He looked up at the night sky - what Humans often called the heavens - and hoped that, if there was an afterlife, that Jim was watching him now, had seen all Spock had done in the months since his departure. Spock hoped that Jim was proud, and hoped that when they met again he would tell him how proud he was.
* * *
On Christmas morning, Spock awoke to find that Pavel had placed a small gift outside his door. He bent down carefully to pick it up. It was a small box-shape wrapped in plain brown wrapping, with the words “To Spock” scrawled in black ink. He opened it to find that it was a paper copy of the novel Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Somehow he was not surprised that Pavel had chosen such a gift - if he recalled correctly he had been given two other copies of the same book plus a copy of The Brothers Karamazov by Pavel over the course of many years and many Christmases. Pavel had also gifted others with copies of such paper books as One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and Anna Karenina, all Russian literature. It appeared to be his go-to option for gifts, which Spock found amusing. He carefully placed the novel on the bookshelf and put the wrapping in the recycler before making his way downstairs.
“Merry Christmas,” Pavel said from the kitchen as Spock entered the living room. The cat was sitting on the couch and stared at him, tail twitching. “Did you see my gift?”
“Merry Christmas,” Spock replied. “Yes, I did see your gift. Thank you. I did not obtain a gift for you, however, and I apologize.”
“Oh, it's fine. It's fine,” Pavel said, and as Spock stepped into the kitchen he could see that Pavel was cooking.
“What are you doing?” Spock asked, honestly surprised. He had only ever seen Pavel use the replicator in the past.
“When I was a young one, my mother would always make a special breakfast on Christmas,” Pavel confessed. “It is not in Russian tradition, but she would make, what do you call it, French toast. The replicator just doesn't make it the way she did. She left me all her special recipes when Hikaru and I moved in together and I've always made her French toast for breakfast since then. Is a silly story, but that is why.”
“I see,” Spock replied, watching as Pavel whisked a liquid mixture in a bowl.
“Do not worry, I made it vegetarian just for you,” Pavel said brightly. “No eggs, and I used almond milk just in case, as well.”
“Thank you.”
Spock set out plates and silverware on the table while Pavel cooked, and when it was done they sat down and ate quietly, the cat watching them intently with its tail swishing back and forth.
The food was sweet and rich and filling, and Spock enjoyed it. Jim had made French toast a few times over the course of their lives together, but it had been so long that Spock could now barely remember the taste. But it was good.
After they had both finished eating, Spock set down his silverware carefully onto his plate, then looked over at Pavel who sat across from him, and said,
“I am very grateful for all you have done for me in the past month.” Pavel blushed and chuckled nervously.
“Oh, sir, is nothing,” he said.
“It is certainly not nothing. I am very much indebted to your hospitality. I would like this opportunity to say thank you.”
“Well - you're welcome, Mr. Spock. You are very welcome.”
Spock hesitated, then continued,
“I am telling you this because I believe I will be going back to San Francisco in the next few days.”
At that Pavel's face changed from a flustered expression to a surprised one, his eyebrows darting up and his eyes going wide, lips pursing in a silent “oh.”
“Are you sure, Mr. Spock?” Pavel said, his brows furrowing just as quickly as they had leaped up his forehead. “You do not want to stay for New Year's?”
“I do not think so. As I said I am grateful for your hospitality, but I feel I am ready to move on.”
“But - you'll be alone for the holiday, sir.”
Spock paused. He knew the holiday Pavel was referring to was not New Year's Day, but Federation Day - January fourth - Jim's birthday. January fourth had first been a day of mourning on Earth, a day of remembrance for the USS Kelvin and George Kirk's sacrifice to save its crew. But then, a few years after the Narada Massacre, it was declared Federation Day in honor of James Kirk, whose birthday was January fourth, and his heroic rescue of the Earth. While it was not celebrated as vehemently as New Year's Day (Spock had been to enough New Year's parties to know), because of it being very close in date, it was generally celebrated with fireworks, like New Year's. Most major cities would have a fireworks show or two, and residents of smaller cities would often shoot off their own fireworks in celebration.
Spock knew Pavel was talking about Federation Day, but he also knew that if there was any day he wanted to be utterly and completely alone, it would be Jim's birthday.
“I understand that,” Spock replied finally. “I would prefer it that way.”
Pavel studied him for a long moment, his expression one Spock had no name for.
“...All right,” he murmured finally. “I suppose I cannot argue with you.”
“Thank you,” Spock said, and he meant it.
“Well, I suppose this means you'll need to buy a shuttle ticket,” Pavel continued. “I will look into it for you. Trust me, I know what are the good shuttle companies and what are the bad ones! Just leave it to me.”
“I trust your judgment,” Spock replied wryly, then they gathered up the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and Spock went back up to his room while Pavel set to cleaning up the kitchen.
* * *
“Today was our 60th anniversary. It's hard to believe so much time has passed but I'm glad too because that means I spent all that time with Spock. To celebrate we went out for dinner and saw an opera. The opera was great and dinner was wonderful.”
* * *
“The administrators are telling me I need to start thinking about retiring sometime in the next few years. I dont really want to retire but I guess I'm starting to get too old to keep up with all these young brilliant Vulcan minds. I've been making too many spelling mistakes in my old age for their comfort. But I guess retiring around 90 isn't bad and if I get too antsy sitting at home doing nothing I can always get a part time job or something. It's strange to think that here I am starting to plan retirement in a few years yet Spock will probably be working for another 50-60 yrs before he has to start even thinking of it.
I have to remember to call Bones this week. Don't forget!!”
* * *
“Today Spock & I went to that furniture store to get a new rug for the living room and when we were there I saw one of the students I had in the very first class I taught at UNV over 40 yrs ago. Crazy!! She was there with a man who looked like he was her bondmate & two boys who were probably around 15 yrs old. I wasn't gonna talk to her but then she recognized me so we chatted while Spock looked at rugs. She told me that because of me being her professor she decided to go into intergalactic relations instead of xenobiology, spent 5 yrs living on Earth where she got a PhD in IR from a prestigious school I forget which one she said but I think it was Harvard or Yale or something like that. She's working at Federation HQ but is on vacation on Vulcan to visit her family right now. She told me “you were the one who showed me how important it is that species communicate with each other, understand each other, and work together”. Her bondmate just sort of grinned at that. He was a Human! So her two kids are half-Vulcans, like Spock. Cute kids too. But it was really nice to hear that I impacted someone in a positive way like that. Really nice.”
* * *
“Happy New Year! Actually Vulcans don't celebrate the new year and I think it's like midsummer on Earth right now. The way interplanetary timezones work has just gotten more confusing over the years I suppose. Might just be me. Either way today is the first day of the new year here on New Vulcan and even though Vulcans don't celebrate it I had a little of our imported champagne last night the way they do on Earth. I do that almost every year but Spock always thinks its funny.”
* * *
When the day came for Spock to return to San Francisco, he was ready to go. Again all his belongings had been packed into the boxes they had come in, plus an extra box he had needed to buy to pack up the winter clothing he had purchased while in Russia. He packed three journals plus the one he was currently reading into his carry-on bag. It would be a trip of nearly ten hours.
Pavel drove him to the shuttle port, chatting the whole way even though Spock gave few responses.
When they arrived at the shuttle port, Pavel walked him into the building, then they paused before the gate. Pavel reached over and gave Spock's shoulder a few firm pats, smiling.
“I have very much enjoyed having you visit. You must come visit again sometime,” he said.
“I will certainly attempt to,” Spock said. “Thank you for your hospitality.”
“It was my pleasure, definitely,” Pavel replied. “Like I said, I will be glad to have you visit again.”
Spock did not reply to that, and they stood silently for a moment before Pavel said, a little softer,
“Well, I suppose this is goodbye.”
“It would seem so.”
“Well, then, goodbye, Spock. I wish you happiness in the future.”
“Goodbye, Pavel.”
Pavel squeezed his shoulder one last time, then let his arm drop to his side. Spock turned to the gate, scanned his ticket, and stepped through. When he glanced back he could see Pavel stepping through the automatic doors and walking outside to where his hovercar was parked. Spock turned away and walked to his boarding gate.
* * *
“Its final now. This upcoming semester will be my last semester teaching at UNV and then I will be retiring. I'm happy and sad at the same time, it's bittersweet. I'm starting to look forward to retirement but at the same time I really enjoy what I do and being retired means I'm just that much closer to becoming a useless old person. I don't mind being old but I don't want to be useless and just sit around all day watching dramas on the holoscreen. Guess it's time to start looking into hobbies I could pick up. Who knows maybe I can still do something amazing and worthwhile in whatever time I have left. I told Spock today that once I'm retired I could volunteer to be the guinea pig when Starfleet has to test out new ships & stuff. He didn't think I was very funny.”
* * *
“I guess I'm just planning too far in advance but I'm still thinking of hobbies and stuff I could start doing once I retire. I told Spock I was thinking of picking up tribble breeding, our house is definitely big enough after all. He didn't seem too keen on the idea so then I suggested breeding sehlats and he seemed even less keen on it. So then I said “well let's just do some breeding of our own” and I finally got him to laugh a bit. Whew!! I was starting to think my sense of humor had become bland in my old age but I guess I was worried for nothing.
But some hobbies I'm looking at a little more seriously is model starships. I had some as a kid and it would be a fun way to keep up with everything Starfleet is doing nowadays (though how they can even function properly without me is beyond my comprehension ha ha ha!). It's cooler than other stuff old people collect like old coins and stuff, at least. I'm still a cool dude, right? Right??”
* * *
“I heard today that Nyota's a great-grandmother now! Wow!! I can't get over how huge her family is. There's practically ten thousand of them! Her new great-grandbaby is a baby girl. I hope I get to see her before she's grown up! It's been awhile since Spock and I have visited our friends on Earth. I think once I retire we will have to plan an Earth trip! Especially to see Bones. We talk often but haven't seen each other in years.”
* * *
“Well - that was it! Today was my last day at UNV. It wasn't anything like my last day teaching at Starfleet Academy - no party or anything, but it's almost all Vulcans so that makes sense. I gave my last final exam, put in the final grades, packed up the last of the stuff in my office, and off I went! It's crazy to think that now I'm unemployed and have nothing I need to do anymore after having been working practically nonstop since I was, what, 18? I think that's when I got my first job. Maybe 17. I don't quite remember. But either way, somewhere around the past 70 years I've been working! I spent about 30 or 35 yrs with Starfleet, between active duty and teaching at the Academy. Plus the 32 yrs with UNV... I guess if I couldn't spend my whole life out in the black, spending most of it teaching is a pretty great alternative.
Spock and I are celebrating the occasion by going out for dinner tonight. I got to choose where since I'm the one retiring so I'm thinking we might go to that Human cuisine place downtown. I guess I've been feeling a bit nostalgic!”
* * *
When Spock finally arrived at his apartment in San Francisco (that had been lived in for two days and empty for two months), the first thing he did was turn up the temperature control, because even though Russia had been far more cold than San Francisco, now that he was in his own home he was going to finally make the climate one he was comfortable in. The heating unit turned on with a rumble as he set the temperature for ninety degrees Fahrenheit. He found himself not caring how high his utilities bill would end up being.
The room warmed up quickly as he unpacked, and by the time he was done the room was good and comfortably hot, and the chill he had been feeling before was completely gone. He looked about the room, reacquainting himself with it. It had never had a chance to really become home to him, and so it was like he was visiting someone again instead of returning home. But this was a sentimental thought, and he discarded it immediately - it was an apartment just as good as any other. He lived here now, so it was his home.
It was now the twenty-eighth of December - exactly a week remained until Jim's birthday and he had ten more journals to read. That was manageable. He pulled the journal he had been reading through on the shuttle out from where he had set in on the bookshelf, and settled into the chair that he had positioned near the window.
* * *
“Got some bad news today. Bones has gotten sick & is in the hospital right now. Joanna called me freaking out about it. I guess it doesn't seem serious right now but Bones has rarely been sick and he's getting old enough that it could be bad, so she was panicking a bit. I talked to her for a little while and she seemed to calm down a bit but I know shes still worried. I don't blame her I'm worried too. I talked to Spock about how I wanted to make the trip to Earth to go see him because I was worried but he said that the docs said it wasn't serious so we should wait to see what happens before deciding to make the trip all the way to Earth. I know he's right but I still have a bad feeling about all of this. Definitely gonna need some of the Vulcan port that Spock brought home the other day with dinner tonight.”
* * *
“Joanna's been keeping us updated on Bones and for the past week or so he's been alright but today she called saying that he's taken a turn for the worse and if we were gonna head to Earth we should do it now. Spock and I packed really fast & got a shuttle ticket for today and I'm writing this as we're waiting in the shuttle port. I'm really really worried and Spock keeps trying to get me to calm down but I think that I should be allowed to freak out a little when my best friend is in the hospital. Please let the shuttle get here soon. Please let everything work out ok. I know we're all getting old but god damn it Bones is only a few years older than I am, not old enough to die yet.”
* * *
“Bones died at about 9am Earth time today. The shuttle touched down at the port in Georgia at 10am. We were too late to do anything. The funeral will be on Friday. I guess we're staying there until then.
I should have been there, if it was me I know Bones would have been there. But I wasn't and I hate myself for it and I should have insisted we go when Joanna first called us, but we didn't. I'm trying really hard to not blame Spock but I'm just so angry and upset right now I cant even be around him. As soon as we had everything in our hotel room I took my stuff and went for a walk. It's a pretty nice day out. Bones should be here, damn it. I should have been there. I should have fucking been there.”
* * *
“The funeral was today. It was a nice service. I'm going to miss him so much.
I know Spock feels horrible about everything and I know he knows I'm still not happy with him. But he hasn't said anything about it and I don't want to bring it up. Everything just hurts and I don't want to deal with it now.
We're going back to New Vulcan tomorrow afternoon.”
* * *
Before long it was New Year's Eve, a rather important Earth holiday that Spock gave little heed to. He spent the night reading and reading as fireworks flashed outside his window. He got up only to close the curtains. At one point he took a break briefly to get a glass of water, and remembered how last New Year's, Jim had been alive and Spock had brought him a glass of champagne in the middle of the afternoon, approximately the time that people in California would have been celebrating the New Year. Jim had smiled, his hands trembling, and sipped the champagne as they relaxed out on their porch, in the shade but looking out at the small garden. It had been a pleasant day, and they had remained outside for approximately one hour before Spock gently guided Jim's hoverchair back inside.
There were only four journals left. It was beginning to become unpleasant to continue, as Jim's handwriting began to grow shakier and shakier, his spelling less precise, his sentences more flighty. But Spock had to finish - and so he kept reading.
* * *
“The school year has started up again for Spock and so now I'm at home by myself all the time. I get very bored so I've been sleeping a lot and watching a lot of shows on the holoscreen, which I told myself I wasn't going to do. But I don't have much to do so it's either holoscreen or games on the PADD. I'd like to start cooking again now that I've actually got the time for it but Im afraid if I do I will start eating too much again and I don't want to get into an unhealthy weight again but I guess if I try “healthy” cooking, whatever that means, it will be alright. I'll ask Spock about it.
Spock told me I ought to write a book about my life but I feel like that's what snobbish people do and I don't want to come of as a snob for the rest of all time, and anyway with these journals it feels like I've been writing a book about me for my entire life! Someday when I'm long gone maybe these journals will be published, like some famous authors, etc, and that will be my autobigraphy, but until then I'm fine letting other people do the writing about me.”
* * *
“I've always written my journals by hand but it's become a bit difficult to hold a pen so I might have to start typing it or maybe dictating to one of those speech-to-text machines. But it makes me sad, because I've always written these by hand and I dont want to have to stop now because I want them all to match, I guess would be the word. But then I think it might just be a bit of arthritis in my hand and painkillers will do the trick or I could go see my doctor about it. If I have to start keeping a journal digitaly I will but I don't want to.”
* * *
“Made a stir-fry with some veggies from the garden for dinner today. It was a bit hard to cut some of the vegetables because my hands have still been bugging me but I got it done and Spock liked it. Need to remember to use more seasoning for the sauce next time though.
Spock was telling me about some of the research proposals that have been brought up this week and I really and honestly only completely understood about half of them. Guess this means I need to start reading more often. I didn't tell him that though he worries enough already.”
* * *
“Spock and I are going to take a trip to Earth, to visit Scotty&Uhura and Chekov&Sulu. Itll be great I'm sure. First were going to San Francisco then to Kenya. We might make a stop in Georgia to visit Bones' grave too. Really looking forward to it, so is Spock.”
* * *
“San francisco has been great. Really cold though! We spent a week w/ Chekov& Sulu doing touristy things, had a look around the Starfleet campus. Things have really changed.
Off to georgia for a day, then Kenya.”
* * *
“Georgia was nice, we only spent a day there catching up with Joanna then visiting Bones' grave, it was really nice and I'm glad we went.
Kenya is really hot, esp. compared to san francisco! Spock likes it better though of course. It was nice to meet all of Nyota & Scotty's family again though I can't remember the names of any of the grandkids and great-grandkids now. Theres just so many of them.
Waiting for the shuttle back home.”
* * *
“Home now. Hotter than even Kenya. I'll get used to it again fast though. Some of the plants in the yard died while we were away.”
* * *
“Since Spock's out of the house for most of the day and doing housekeeping type stuff is starting to become too difficult for me, we hired a housekeeper who will come in every other day. Itll be awkward because I'll be in the house when they are working but maybe if they come in the morning I can just sleep while theyre there but then Spock would get mad about our sheets never getting changed because I'd be sleeping when the housekeeper is there... I dont know I've never had a housekeeper before in my life I think because yeomen don't really count when you're on a starship it's not really the same. So I'm a little nervous about that even though Spock tells me I'm just being illogical which I know it is but I told him well it's a little harder to control your emotions when you're a Human. He told me “believe me t'hy'la I know this very well” and it made me laugh a bit.”
* * *
“Haven't written in a few days... I tripped and fell a few days ago. Just my luck it was a day the housekeeper wasn't coming but Spock felt it through the bond and came rushing home in a panic, he beat the ambulance by about a minute, haha. But it was definitely not fun, when we got to the hospital the doctor said I had busted my kneecap, on my bad leg too, so I needed osteo-regeneration to fix it which takes a day or two to do then another few days to set and make sure it's fixed right so here I am still in the hospital four days later but I should be going home tomorrow. Spock has been here every day and he brought my journal the day after it happened but I hadnt really wanted to write until now.
I really don't like getting old but then again who does.”
* * *
“Home now. Limping a bit but otherwise I'm fine. Spock is constantly worrying and worrying no matter what I try to do or say. I think that bothers me more than my leg does.”
* * *
“Today Spock told me he wants to quit at the NVSA so that he can stay at home with me. I told him that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard him say. I don't want him to quit his job that he likes but I don't know how to change his mind.
I hate this.”
* * *
“Doctor appointment today. Checking on my leg, should be fine tho.”
* * *
“Going to another doctor appt today. 3rd time this month but not about my leg this time. getting old is scary.”
* * *
“For a minute today I couldn't remember what Bones' actual name was and it was the scariest worst thing imaginable I nearly started to cry. He's been gone for about 20yrs now but he was my best friend I should never forget his name, if I can forget his then what if I forget Spock's? I dont want to forget.”
* * *
“Ive been taking my pain meds like usual but my leg has been aching a lot lately. Dunno whats wrong but I guess this means another doctor appt sometime soon.
Spock worrys so much I wish there was something I could do but I worry too so its hard.”
* * *
“Doctor said it would be better for me and Spock if I started using a hoverchair to get around. She said it would take a lot of the pressure off my knee thats making it hurt so it should stop and even if it doesnt they can give me one of those numing braces so I wont feel it as much. I know its the smarter thing to do but I feel like this means im giving up. I hate this I hate this so much.”
* * *
“Got the news today that Scotty died. Terrible. I dont think we can make it out to the funeral which just makes me feel worse.”
* * *
“Talked to the doctor again, spock and I have decided to buy a hoverchar so I can get around easier. Spock talked to her for a while after we were done and had me wait in the lobby and kept the bond closed. Whatever he was talking about it made me more nervous to not know wat it was than if I did know. When we got home I just sat and cried for a while and spock held my hand for a long time but I still feel so horrible about everything. People always say you wont be young forever but i dont think I ever realized just how tru that is until now. I havent ben young for a long long time but I have never felt this old before and its just scarey.”
* * *
“First day on the hoverchair today. Its not too bad i guess it really does make it easier to get around it even goes up stairs no prblem which is great. i said to spock it would be better if we could rig it up with some warp boosters wouldnt that get me around quick? He laughed a little bit and it seemd like the first time hes laughed in a relly really long time.”
* * *
“just been feeling miserable about everything lately, its made Spock be in a bad mood a lot lately too so thats been hard. I dont want us to fight but then we end up just not talking and thats not good either. I guess im just scared about being old, scared about dying, and me being scared only makes Spock worry more. His last pon far was really rough and even if im alive for his next I know I wont be able to help him. I told him to find someone else to bond with after I die but he won't and that makes me angry but also a litle happy which I know is bad but even tho I know its necesary I dont like the thought of him being bonded to anyone else.”
* * *
With the more recent journal entries came memories that were painfully fresh, and Spock found that he was needing to meditate more often than usual in order to maintain emotional balance. Reading about Jim's fear of the death he knew was soon, remembering his own terror knowing the same thing - it was all taking a toll on his mental well-being. But more meditation meant less time to read.
It was now the day before Jim's birthday, and Spock had two journals left. He sat down to his morning meal with the next journal in front of him, and read.
* * *
“Spock went back to work at the NVSA today so im home by myself again. but its not so bad this time I have my hoverchar so its easy to get around. Hes teaching less classes this year so he doesnt have to be away from home so much, im just glad he didnt resine. As for me I slept a little late today then i went out and sat in the shade and read a bit before it got too warm then when I went inside I watched some shows on the holoscreen like there was an intresting documntry about starfleet things then i took a nap and now ive woken up and Spock shuld be home soon. Boring day but I think most of the days will be like that when spock is gone”
* * *
“been really tired lately and sleeping a lot Spock worrys about it but I dont see what there is to worry about. Sleepy is better than sick.”
* * *
“got the news today that sulu died yesterday, really sad poor chekov. I know were not gonna be able to travel to earth for the funeral so I tryed to type up a message to send to him but my hands were relly shaky so I couldnt and had to wait for Spock to come home to type it.
As strange as it sounds im not so scared of dying any more. Being dead cant be worse than being old and frail and not bing able to do anything yourself any more but then I think what is Spock going to do without me and I know I have to hold on for as long as I can.”
* * *
There was an entry that Spock could not read. Jim's handwriting was shaky at best now, but it seemed as though he had not even been writing anything purposely on this page. The page contained only scribbles, as if he had been testing a pen, but the scribbles filled up the lines of the page from top to bottom. Spock studied it for a moment, unsure what it meant or if it meant anything at all.
In the journals most entries were just plainly written upon the page, though there were some that had deviated from the norm. Often in the older journals from when Jim was younger there would be small illustrations in the margins. Many entries had been accompanied by small things pasted onto the page that were relevant to topics discussed in the entry, for example, when Jim and Spock saw an Andorian musical while on shore leave during their second five-year mission on the Enterprise, Jim had glued the paper tickets onto the relevant entry. He had often drawn small diagrams when writing about skirmishes or battles they had fought or new strategies he was contemplating.
But Spock had never come across a page of scribbles before, and he was not sure what to make of it.
He searched the page line by line, wondering if he was missing something, but there was nothing. He looked at the date of the previous entry, trying to tie the mysterious scribbles to something that had happened around that time. But he could think of nothing - though, knowing Jim, it certainly could have been representative of an event that had taken place, but Spock had never been able to think as disjointedly as Jim could.
It was nearing the late afternoon. Spock could spare an hour to meditate before reading on - he was nearly done with the journal. So, carefully, he set the journal aside and pulled out his meditation mat and incense.
He was almost there.
* * *
“Spock finally dragged me to the doctor again becuse he's worryd about how much I have been sleeping. Doc said it was pretty normal but that if spock was conserned he could wake me if I slept over eight hours at a time but I havent really been sleeping a lot all at once it's more like hour naps a couple times during the day plus regular night time sleeping, and besides with the bond he would know if anything abnormal was going on even while I was sleeping so I dont know what hes so worryd about. Not very logical if you ask me but spock wasnt happy when I said that to him. But I guess its not a big deal if I try to sleep a little less after all if im going to die soon I want to spend as much time as I can with spock and not sleeping.”
* * *
“its relly hard to write out entries still but im going to try to hand write for as long as poss. Even if it takes me an hour to write an entry its not like I have anything more exiting or important to do. I just hope that my hands dont shake so much that no one will ever be able to read this because I like the idea of all these journals being used by historans someday since if peple are going to remeber me as a hero then they shuld be able to read about the real me and not the super me starfleet likes to talk about.”
* * *
“Spock had a suprise for me when he got home today he said he needed to stop at the post office after work but didnt tell me what for. And when he got home he had a box and when he opened it there were six apples inside all different kinds that he had ordered from earth just for me and made sure I didnt know so it was a suprise. I was so happy I nearly cryed but I didnt but then spock cut one up for me to eat, a red one, and it was so great and still cool from the temp. controls in the box and it had been years since I had eaten a real fresh apple which were always my favrites and then I did start to cry a little bit. I wish I could do little things for spock like this but its hard to do anything when your in a hoverchar and sleepy alot and your hands shake so much it takes hours to write in your journal. He said not to worry about doing anything for him because that he did this for me because he new that I missed earth and said he new it wasnt always fair to me that we lived on new vulcan for most of our lives but that he hoped he could make up for it even a little and it was so sweet and sad I didnt know what to do. I love spock so much and I hate that he has to be the one to be left behind. We put the rest of the apples in the food preserver so I can have another tomorow and until they run out I guess nothing last forever”
* * *
Before he knew it, Spock had finished that journal and there was now only one left. Slowly he set down the completed journal, checking the time. It was not yet late into the evening, and Jim's birthday was tomorrow.
He got up and put the journal away and began to reach for the final one, but paused. Maybe it would be better if he saved it for tomorrow. Yes, certainly, it would be more fitting to read it tomorrow. He could wait. It was an important journal that could wait for an important day. He stepped away from the bookshelf.
It was not yet late into the evening, but Spock prepared himself for sleep anyway. Tomorrow he would read the journal, but now it was time to rest.
* * *
The next morning Spock woke at his usual time, had his usual morning meal, meditated briefly, then reached for the final journal - and stopped.
Maybe he shouldn't read this one, he thought. Jim had told him that he could read any journals except the one he was writing in, and this was the journal that Jim had never finished. When he had died the journal had only been about halfway filled.
Spock hesitated, unsure of what to do. He had wanted to finish the journals today, Jim's birthday - but suddenly he was not so sure anymore. Finally he stepped away from the bookshelf. He would wait until later in the day. There was very little to be read.
The morning went by as Spock restlessly looked for things to do to keep him occupied in his apartment. He tidied his bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. He glanced over at the bookshelf with the journals, still feeling uneasy. He would wait a little longer.
As he sat down to meditate he could hear people walking down the hallway outside his door.
“Happy Federation Day!” he heard a male voice call out, answered by a female one; “Happy Federation Day! Did you remember to get...?” The voice faded as the people moved further down the hall.
It was Federation Day - it was Jim's birthday. It was Jim's birthday and he had one journal left and he could not bring himself to read it. Unsettled, he closed his eyes to meditate.
Why had he been so anxious to finish them today? What was he expecting? And why now could he not bring himself to finish? As he meditated he could not stop wondering.
When he came out of meditation he knew that the overwhelming sense of urgency and expectation that had driven him to read through eighty-two journals in two months was gone. He did not know what he had been anticipating, but the anticipation had left him, as though he had missed a deadline and now had no reason to want to finish what he had started.
He stood up and went to the kitchen to prepare a small midday meal, ignoring the sense of despair beginning to build in his chest.
* * *
As the day went on, minute by minute and hour by hour, Spock steadily began to feel more and more unhappy until, when the sky had grown dark, realization hit him full-force.
Part of him had known all along that nothing would happen if he finished the journals today, and the rest of him, the part that had been clinging to that foolish hope, had come to know it too. There would be no miracle, no sign, no more closure than that he had already been given. Spock knew that, had known it all along, but somehow the realization of it now was painful beyond measure.
In the end, no matter how much worth Spock put into them, Jim's journals were just notebooks filled with words. In the end, it doesn't matter how special or precious Jim's birthday was - it was just another day in a countless, constant string of days.
Outside Spock could hear fireworks beginning to burst in the sky, flashes of light illuminating the window. Furiously he went to the window and nearly tore the curtains as he pulled them closed. How dare they rejoice? How dare they celebrate on Jim's birthday, celebrate as Spock was alone and hurting? Didn't they care that Jim was gone, that Jim was dead?
Spock let out a heavy breath as if he'd been punched in the gut, sitting down hard in the chair that faced the window. That was it. Jim was gone. Jim was dead.
He looked at the bookshelf and, with shaking hands, reached for the journal he had not read. He held it in front of him and still he could not bring himself to open it.
What good would it do? His t'hy'la had been taken from him and nothing could make that any easier, journals or not. Their lives together were over and he would never see Jim again, would never feel anything but pain on the other end of the bond. Nothing could ever make that any better and he had been foolish to think otherwise.
He clutched the journal harder, pulling it close to his body, to his heart. He was hurt and confused and despairing and angry, so overwhelmingly angry - but there was no one, nothing to direct his anger at. Jim was dead, he would never see Jim again - but no one was at fault for it and that only made the anger burn worse.
Spock did not know what else he could do so he clutched the half-finished journal to his heart and squeezed his eyes shut against the flash of celebratory fireworks outside the window, out in a world that had gone on without Jim, and tried very hard to convince himself he was not crying.
* * *
The next morning was painfully anticlimactic. Spock rose at his usual time, used the sonic shower, and made a breakfast of light broth and tea. He looked out the window at the gray-blue San Francisco skyline as he ate.
But then he was at a loss. All of his free time in the past two months on Earth had been devoted to reading the journals, but now Jim's birthday had passed, there was one journal left and Spock didn't know if he wanted to read it. He looked over at where it was still laying on the reading chair by the window.
Spock cleaned up the breakfast dishes and sat down to meditate, lighting a stick of incense. After yesterday, meditation was what he desperately needed. With a near-herculean effort he cleared his mind and then rested in the blankness, the silence, until he could think straight again.
He was Vulcan. He was logical and strong and certainly had the strength to keep his all-too-Human emotions from affecting him. He was Vulcan, and Vulcans finished what they started.
Carefully Spock stood up, went to the reading chair, and picked up the journal. He looked at it, calm and collected, then sat down and opened the first page.
* * *
“This is my 82nd journal. I really dont know how I maneged to end up with so many but there it is. This is a pretty nice one too I had to order it off the nets since theres no local place to buy paper producs. The cover is fake lether spock freaked out when he frist saw it before I could tell him it wasnt real I think I only have one or two real lether ones anyway. I dont know if ill be around long enogh to fill up this journal but im hoping.”
* * *
“been a little hard to breath latley plus being tired so Spocks worryd as usual. The doctor came over and said theres nothing that can be fixed really but she gave me some meds to make it easier to breath but I dont now if I will take them because im already taking alot of meds and I dont now if i want to take anymore of course spock might not give me a choise in the matter.
On the news today there was a spesial about how strfleet is begining work on building a new enterprise from scratch they say it will probly be space-redy in eight to ten yrs so it looks i wont be around to see it wich is a shame it seems like itll be a grate ship.”
* * *
“it terrifys me to think that any of these entrys could be my last”
* * *
“dear Spock
it will probly take me all day to writ this but your at work late today so I want to writ this all now while I can
I dont know if youll evr read this or not but I hope you do someday I now you nevr had an intrest in reading any of my jrnals but I hope someday you do I want you to read this someday.
I want to tell you this even tho you can hear it from me every day from my mouth or my brain or both
I love you, I love you more than anything in the hole universe and evry alternat universe that exsists and I dont want you to ever forget that no matter how much time passes. Know that all my life ive loved you with everything I could.
And since I love you I want you to be happy even after im gone. I know im gonna die soon and I hate that youlll be left behind to deal with everything the sadness and lonliness and broken bond. But I hope somday you can remember me happily but be able to move on. I want you to live the long yrs of life I know you still have ahed of you. I now you have said no evry time I mention it but I rely do hope you dont let yourself die in your next pon farr in a couple years I now you have no intrest in forming another bond but someday please consider it, for me because I will be happyest knowing you lived a long long life like I have.
I am glad for the life I had with you spock I am just sorry that my human lifespan isnt anywhere near your vulcan one and I cant be there for your whole life. But I promise you that no mater what happens when I die, ill be waiting for you to catch up with me. I may have to leve you behind now but I promise ill be waiting if theres any fairness in the universe well be together again someday and we wont have to be seprated ever again.
I love you
your thyla,
Jim”
* * *
Spock stared and stared at the entry addressed to him, tears welling in his eyes as everything he thought he knew yesterday disappeared.
Their lives together weren't over and he would - he would - see Jim again. Jim had promised him that, and if there was anything Spock believed in, it was Jim. With every fiber of his being he believed in Jim, as he always had and always would.
Spock pressed a hand to his eyes for a moment before looking up out the window again. If Jim was watching him now he hoped Jim knew he was crying because he was happy, and he hoped that Jim was happy too.
When he was calm and composed again, Spock looked back to the journal and turned the page. There were only a few entries left.
* * *
“Summer brake started for the NVSA so spock gets a few weeks to spend at home with me I think hes talked to the NVSA council about me because hes only been out to teach maybe 2 or 3 days a week so I think theyre purposly letting him have more time at home I dont know if I should be iritated or grateful so I guess ill be grateful hes just here with me alot. I havent seen the housekeeper in a week or two I wonder if Spock got rid of her or something. Spock made breakfast for me today it was delicious he made earth style waffles my favrite im so lucky to have him.”
* * *
“hard to write but not much has been going on latly so I guess it dosnt matter. Today spock put in an audiobook and we lisened to it togethr all afternoon I dont remember exacly what it was about but it was set on betazed and it reminded me a little of romeo and juliet but with lots of political stuff going on I fell asleep for a bit toward the middl of it so I missed some important parts but wen I woke back up spock was still sitting there holding my hand and it was all just nice it was a good day.”
* * *
“today Spock took me outside to sit on the porch for a little while its still early in summer so its not too hot yet it was warm and I was happy and I love spock more than anything I dont want to leave him. He showd me some of the new flowers he planted in the yard they look great so far. Then we sat in the sun for a little bit then we went back inside and spock made lunch.
Theres going to be a meteor shower a few nites from now so I have to remeber to ask Spock to help me stay up to watch it. Ive been falling asleep early lately but I rely want to watch it with him.”
* * *
The pages after that were all blank. Spock remembered the events of the last entry and remembered Jim had died three days later.
They didn't get to watch the meteor shower together, and Jim's absence still lingered painfully and the bond still ached - but somehow Spock was at peace. He knew he would see Jim again someday.
But in the meantime he would live the life he had left, the way Jim wanted him to. He did not know how he would do it, what he would do - but he was going to try. Carefully he placed the journal back onto the bookshelf, then stood up and looked out the window. The weather looked relatively pleasant in spite of the time of year.
It had been days since he had been out of his apartment. He did not know what there was to do outside, but Jim would want him to find out.
Spock pulled on his coat and stepped out the door.