fic: "Save the Truth for Tomorrow" (pinto, pg13, oneshot)
Title: Save the Truth for Tomorrow
Rating: pg13, mostly for language.
Wordcount: 2088
Warnings: angst
Disclaimer: I think we can all safely assume that this is entirely fictional. Chris and Zach are their own people, no disrespect is intended through this, etc., etc.
Summary: "Time is running out and the curtain is about to close. Zach doesn't want to think about it. He knows that if he could, he'd keep the game going forever. He would let Chris lie to him forever."
A/N: asdfhlfdkjgshdfg so this is my first serious attempt at writing Pinto so please excuse the miniature panic attack that I'm having over posting this.
If Zach had known, in the beginning, just how out-of-control this whole thing would get - well, he likes to think that he wouldn't have done it, but even now, as everything's falling apart, he's not certain.
He's still not even sure what to call it. Something like friends-with-benefits, he thinks, because to call it what it really is (a fake relationship birthed from his desperate obsession and Chris' overly-soft heart) makes him feel shittier than he already does. Which is saying a lot, because right now he feels like dying.
Zach knows it's over. Or, at least, that it should be over by now. He knew it was over when Chris went to Vancouver to film, that it was over when their daily text conversations dwindled away into silence, that it will still be over now that Chris is back in LA and will be flying in tonight to visit him, to finally put an end to their separation.
He knows that Chris will expect their game, their pretend-relationship, to be over when he arrives. Zach promised, but now he's not sure. He thinks he might break his promise because he knows Chris will keep playing as long as Zach wants him to. Because more than anything, Chris hates to see Zach hurt, and it kills him that, in spite of all their conversations about how Chris can't make himself love Zach and Zach can't make himself stop loving Chris, he's what hurts Zach the most. Zach knows he's being manipulative at best and a fucking asshole at worst but he doesn't know how to stop playing the game, how to end the scene and separate himself from the role he's taken on.
He never should have asked Chris, all those months ago. He never should have asked Chris to indulge him, to pretend to be in love with him - to lie to him, so that he didn't have to face the heartbreak of look-but-can't-touch. He still remembers that night, the last day of the Trek press tour, sitting next to Chris on the bed of his hotel room, both of them drunk off the wine they had snatched from the hotel bar. They had already had the same conversation a million times by then, but then Zach had what had seemed like a stroke of genius.
“We could pretend,” he had said desperately. “Just - pretend. For me. Lie to me and I'll believe you. I'll believe you.”
Chris had hesitated for a long moment before replying, “Okay.” Then he had leaned over and they had kissed - their first kiss that was soft and careful, Zach still remembers because now, it seems, that's all he'll have left: what he can remember.
It had started as a game. A really fun game filled with making out on Chris' couch instead of paying attention to the movie he had come over to watch and hanging out for hours and hours, forgetting that their other friends existed in the way that new couples were wont to do. It had been fun, and Zach had been happy - so, so happy, and if Chris was only pretending to be happy too, he didn't even care.
They were both actors, playing the part of the other's boyfriend. It had been fun at first, because they were good at the roles they played. Except Zach was only good at his part because the real Zach was in love with the man playing the part of his boyfriend.
It had been fun for a while - then it wasn't fun anymore, not with Chris staying in LA and Zach moving to New York. They knew distance was cruel to any couple, but it seemed to particularly single out their game of make-believe.
“I don't know how much longer I can do this,” Chris had confessed over the phone one night in early September, before he had left for Vancouver. His voice had been small and uncertain and Zach is pretty sure that it was at that moment that his heart began the long process of falling apart.
“Just a little longer,” he had begged. “When... When you're in Vancouver to film, we can stop. I promise. Just a little longer.” For a long moment there had been silence on the other end of the phone, and then -
“Okay,” Chris relented, because he always gave in if it would make Zach happy. He wanted them to be happy. Before he hung up he said softly, the way he always did before he hung up,
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” Zach had replied, and he had believed it, made himself believe that they loved each other, because he had said he would - lie to me and I'll believe you.
In a few hours Chris will be at Zach's apartment in New York. They're going to spend the weekend together and Chris is going to see Zach in Angels.
As friends. Because even if no one else knows, they know that behind the smoke and mirrors their relationship isn't real, that it's just a cruel joke they've played to the rest of the world and also to themselves. That they're friends and in reality that's all they've ever been - friends who pretended to be lovers, for fun. But it's not fun anymore.
Time is running out and the curtain is about to close. Zach doesn't want to think about it. He knows that if he could, he'd keep the game going forever. He would let Chris lie to him forever. He wonders if Chris would do it, if he asked. Maybe. Maybe. Somehow the thought only makes him feel worse.
He doesn't want to hear the truth. He doesn't want the game to be over because then he'd have to admit to himself that their whole relationship has been a lie. That Chris doesn't really love him like he loves Chris. He doesn't want to think about it - so he doesn't.
It's almost midnight when Chris arrives on his doorstep, his nose and ears and lips a bright pink in the cold. He grins when Zach opens the door, flooding his face with light.
“Hey,” Chris says, stepping inside, and Zach smiles back at him, fighting against the dread churning in his stomach. He's just gotten home after a show, and being Louis for a few hours was enough to let him forget about his breaking heart, but now he's drained and tired and feels like he's about to fall apart at the seams. But he doesn't let it show - after all, he's an actor.
“Hey,” he replies. “It's good to see you.”
“You, too, man,” Chris agrees, and Zach ushers him into the living room where they sit down on his couch and Chris tells him about Vancouver over a beer. They sit a careful distance apart, because they're friends. Friends.
Being in love shouldn't feel like this, Zach thinks. Being in love shouldn't hurt. Chris has acted out being in love with him with a constant grin for months now. If Chris could pretend to be in love with him, then why the hell couldn't he pretend to not be in love with Chris? He nods absently as Chris gushes about Tom Hardy, and wonders why he couldn't seem to fall in love the right way.
After a while they've run out of beer and things to talk about, so they sit in companionable silence until Zach blurts,
“I miss LA.”
“Yeah, I missed it too. Canada's cold as fuck, man.”
“I miss Noah, and Harold.”
“I'll check up on them when I go back. I can even send you pics if you want,” Chris laughs, but Zach feels like weeping, Chris' easy smile plucking at his heartstrings like some terrible, agonizing orchestra.
“I... I miss you. Us.” A beat of uncertain silence - Chris glances over at him - Zach whispers, “Lie to me.” Chris' bright blue gaze falls away and he protests faintly,
“Zach - ”
“Please,” Zach hears himself begging, his voice foreign and grating to his own ears. “Lie to me tonight. Just - just for tonight, just while you're here, Chris, please, I - I need you, Chris, I - please. Please.”
For a long moment Chris is silent and Zach feels his heart plummeting, eyes burning in his desperation, because what started as a game, a lie to keep him happy, has become the most important thing in his life and he can't let it go, can't let Chris go, not yet. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to let Chris go. He doesn't know if he has the strength to try.
Finally Chris looks back over at him, and something in his face has changed, softened - like the stage lights have turned back on and he's slipped back into character - and he says gently,
“Okay. Okay, baby.”
He reaches for Zach and then they're embracing fiercely, Zach's hands clutching at Chris' back as if his life depends on it because in a way it does, it really does.
“I love you,” Chris whispers, and the tears finally break free and roll down Zach's face, pressed into Chris' neck, and he chokes back a sob. Lie to me and I'll believe you. I'll believe you.
“I love you too,” he breathes, and Chris holds him closer, because more than anything Chris wants Zach to be happy.
Zach never meant for their game to go this far. But it's easier for him to believe a lie than face the truth. And so, Zach knows, he won't stop playing the game. Chris will keep lying to him because he doesn't want to hurt Zach, his buddy, his friend, the man who loves him and maybe Chris doesn't love him back but he'll say the words for as long as Zach asks him to. And Zach knows that if he lets himself, he will keep asking Chris to pretend, to lie, and he'll keep on believing the lies, because he doesn't know how to stop, because he promised he would.
Lie to me and I'll believe you.
They fall asleep curled next to each other, buried under a pile of blankets on Zach's bed to keep warm. In the morning after they've woke they kiss languidly, complain of each other's morning breath, brush their teeth together and kiss some more.
Chris sees Zach in Angels later that night. Zach throws himself into Louis, so that he has no room to think of Chris until the play is over and they meet in the foyer and Chris still has tears in his eyes.
“That was amazing,” Chris murmurs in his ear as they embrace. “You're amazing.” Zach believes him.
He knows Chris leaves tomorrow so he spends the night memorizing the feel of every inch of Chris on his hands, his mouth. He doesn't want to forget.
In the morning he wakes up before Chris, gets dressed, and leaves. He sets a note on the bedside table that Chris finds when he wakes up.
“something came up and i have to be out all day. sorry i can't see you to the airport. have a good flight back.
“i love you. -zach”
Chris stares at the note for a long time, scrubs a hand through his hair with a sigh, and starts to pack his things while ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach.
Zach has been walking aimlessly through Central Park for nearly two hours when he gets a text from Chris.
“Heading to the airport. Thanks for having me, buddy. I'll say hi to Noah for you.”
Zach walks home silently and collapses in his bed that still smells faintly of Chris, buries himself in blankets and clutches desperately at his pillow, the way he had clutched so desperately at Chris - but Chris is gone, their relationship is gone and he has nothing left to hold onto anymore. He wonders if he ever really did.
Maybe if he tries hard enough, he can pretend that the grief gushing through his veins is all part of the game, too, but he's better at believing Chris' lies than his own. He holds the pillow that still smells like Chris close to his heart and pretends not to cry.
Rating: pg13, mostly for language.
Wordcount: 2088
Warnings: angst
Disclaimer: I think we can all safely assume that this is entirely fictional. Chris and Zach are their own people, no disrespect is intended through this, etc., etc.
Summary: "Time is running out and the curtain is about to close. Zach doesn't want to think about it. He knows that if he could, he'd keep the game going forever. He would let Chris lie to him forever."
A/N: asdfhlfdkjgshdfg so this is my first serious attempt at writing Pinto so please excuse the miniature panic attack that I'm having over posting this.
If Zach had known, in the beginning, just how out-of-control this whole thing would get - well, he likes to think that he wouldn't have done it, but even now, as everything's falling apart, he's not certain.
He's still not even sure what to call it. Something like friends-with-benefits, he thinks, because to call it what it really is (a fake relationship birthed from his desperate obsession and Chris' overly-soft heart) makes him feel shittier than he already does. Which is saying a lot, because right now he feels like dying.
Zach knows it's over. Or, at least, that it should be over by now. He knew it was over when Chris went to Vancouver to film, that it was over when their daily text conversations dwindled away into silence, that it will still be over now that Chris is back in LA and will be flying in tonight to visit him, to finally put an end to their separation.
He knows that Chris will expect their game, their pretend-relationship, to be over when he arrives. Zach promised, but now he's not sure. He thinks he might break his promise because he knows Chris will keep playing as long as Zach wants him to. Because more than anything, Chris hates to see Zach hurt, and it kills him that, in spite of all their conversations about how Chris can't make himself love Zach and Zach can't make himself stop loving Chris, he's what hurts Zach the most. Zach knows he's being manipulative at best and a fucking asshole at worst but he doesn't know how to stop playing the game, how to end the scene and separate himself from the role he's taken on.
He never should have asked Chris, all those months ago. He never should have asked Chris to indulge him, to pretend to be in love with him - to lie to him, so that he didn't have to face the heartbreak of look-but-can't-touch. He still remembers that night, the last day of the Trek press tour, sitting next to Chris on the bed of his hotel room, both of them drunk off the wine they had snatched from the hotel bar. They had already had the same conversation a million times by then, but then Zach had what had seemed like a stroke of genius.
“We could pretend,” he had said desperately. “Just - pretend. For me. Lie to me and I'll believe you. I'll believe you.”
Chris had hesitated for a long moment before replying, “Okay.” Then he had leaned over and they had kissed - their first kiss that was soft and careful, Zach still remembers because now, it seems, that's all he'll have left: what he can remember.
It had started as a game. A really fun game filled with making out on Chris' couch instead of paying attention to the movie he had come over to watch and hanging out for hours and hours, forgetting that their other friends existed in the way that new couples were wont to do. It had been fun, and Zach had been happy - so, so happy, and if Chris was only pretending to be happy too, he didn't even care.
They were both actors, playing the part of the other's boyfriend. It had been fun at first, because they were good at the roles they played. Except Zach was only good at his part because the real Zach was in love with the man playing the part of his boyfriend.
It had been fun for a while - then it wasn't fun anymore, not with Chris staying in LA and Zach moving to New York. They knew distance was cruel to any couple, but it seemed to particularly single out their game of make-believe.
“I don't know how much longer I can do this,” Chris had confessed over the phone one night in early September, before he had left for Vancouver. His voice had been small and uncertain and Zach is pretty sure that it was at that moment that his heart began the long process of falling apart.
“Just a little longer,” he had begged. “When... When you're in Vancouver to film, we can stop. I promise. Just a little longer.” For a long moment there had been silence on the other end of the phone, and then -
“Okay,” Chris relented, because he always gave in if it would make Zach happy. He wanted them to be happy. Before he hung up he said softly, the way he always did before he hung up,
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” Zach had replied, and he had believed it, made himself believe that they loved each other, because he had said he would - lie to me and I'll believe you.
In a few hours Chris will be at Zach's apartment in New York. They're going to spend the weekend together and Chris is going to see Zach in Angels.
As friends. Because even if no one else knows, they know that behind the smoke and mirrors their relationship isn't real, that it's just a cruel joke they've played to the rest of the world and also to themselves. That they're friends and in reality that's all they've ever been - friends who pretended to be lovers, for fun. But it's not fun anymore.
Time is running out and the curtain is about to close. Zach doesn't want to think about it. He knows that if he could, he'd keep the game going forever. He would let Chris lie to him forever. He wonders if Chris would do it, if he asked. Maybe. Maybe. Somehow the thought only makes him feel worse.
He doesn't want to hear the truth. He doesn't want the game to be over because then he'd have to admit to himself that their whole relationship has been a lie. That Chris doesn't really love him like he loves Chris. He doesn't want to think about it - so he doesn't.
It's almost midnight when Chris arrives on his doorstep, his nose and ears and lips a bright pink in the cold. He grins when Zach opens the door, flooding his face with light.
“Hey,” Chris says, stepping inside, and Zach smiles back at him, fighting against the dread churning in his stomach. He's just gotten home after a show, and being Louis for a few hours was enough to let him forget about his breaking heart, but now he's drained and tired and feels like he's about to fall apart at the seams. But he doesn't let it show - after all, he's an actor.
“Hey,” he replies. “It's good to see you.”
“You, too, man,” Chris agrees, and Zach ushers him into the living room where they sit down on his couch and Chris tells him about Vancouver over a beer. They sit a careful distance apart, because they're friends. Friends.
Being in love shouldn't feel like this, Zach thinks. Being in love shouldn't hurt. Chris has acted out being in love with him with a constant grin for months now. If Chris could pretend to be in love with him, then why the hell couldn't he pretend to not be in love with Chris? He nods absently as Chris gushes about Tom Hardy, and wonders why he couldn't seem to fall in love the right way.
After a while they've run out of beer and things to talk about, so they sit in companionable silence until Zach blurts,
“I miss LA.”
“Yeah, I missed it too. Canada's cold as fuck, man.”
“I miss Noah, and Harold.”
“I'll check up on them when I go back. I can even send you pics if you want,” Chris laughs, but Zach feels like weeping, Chris' easy smile plucking at his heartstrings like some terrible, agonizing orchestra.
“I... I miss you. Us.” A beat of uncertain silence - Chris glances over at him - Zach whispers, “Lie to me.” Chris' bright blue gaze falls away and he protests faintly,
“Zach - ”
“Please,” Zach hears himself begging, his voice foreign and grating to his own ears. “Lie to me tonight. Just - just for tonight, just while you're here, Chris, please, I - I need you, Chris, I - please. Please.”
For a long moment Chris is silent and Zach feels his heart plummeting, eyes burning in his desperation, because what started as a game, a lie to keep him happy, has become the most important thing in his life and he can't let it go, can't let Chris go, not yet. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to let Chris go. He doesn't know if he has the strength to try.
Finally Chris looks back over at him, and something in his face has changed, softened - like the stage lights have turned back on and he's slipped back into character - and he says gently,
“Okay. Okay, baby.”
He reaches for Zach and then they're embracing fiercely, Zach's hands clutching at Chris' back as if his life depends on it because in a way it does, it really does.
“I love you,” Chris whispers, and the tears finally break free and roll down Zach's face, pressed into Chris' neck, and he chokes back a sob. Lie to me and I'll believe you. I'll believe you.
“I love you too,” he breathes, and Chris holds him closer, because more than anything Chris wants Zach to be happy.
Zach never meant for their game to go this far. But it's easier for him to believe a lie than face the truth. And so, Zach knows, he won't stop playing the game. Chris will keep lying to him because he doesn't want to hurt Zach, his buddy, his friend, the man who loves him and maybe Chris doesn't love him back but he'll say the words for as long as Zach asks him to. And Zach knows that if he lets himself, he will keep asking Chris to pretend, to lie, and he'll keep on believing the lies, because he doesn't know how to stop, because he promised he would.
Lie to me and I'll believe you.
They fall asleep curled next to each other, buried under a pile of blankets on Zach's bed to keep warm. In the morning after they've woke they kiss languidly, complain of each other's morning breath, brush their teeth together and kiss some more.
Chris sees Zach in Angels later that night. Zach throws himself into Louis, so that he has no room to think of Chris until the play is over and they meet in the foyer and Chris still has tears in his eyes.
“That was amazing,” Chris murmurs in his ear as they embrace. “You're amazing.” Zach believes him.
He knows Chris leaves tomorrow so he spends the night memorizing the feel of every inch of Chris on his hands, his mouth. He doesn't want to forget.
In the morning he wakes up before Chris, gets dressed, and leaves. He sets a note on the bedside table that Chris finds when he wakes up.
“something came up and i have to be out all day. sorry i can't see you to the airport. have a good flight back.
“i love you. -zach”
Chris stares at the note for a long time, scrubs a hand through his hair with a sigh, and starts to pack his things while ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach.
Zach has been walking aimlessly through Central Park for nearly two hours when he gets a text from Chris.
“Heading to the airport. Thanks for having me, buddy. I'll say hi to Noah for you.”
Zach walks home silently and collapses in his bed that still smells faintly of Chris, buries himself in blankets and clutches desperately at his pillow, the way he had clutched so desperately at Chris - but Chris is gone, their relationship is gone and he has nothing left to hold onto anymore. He wonders if he ever really did.
Maybe if he tries hard enough, he can pretend that the grief gushing through his veins is all part of the game, too, but he's better at believing Chris' lies than his own. He holds the pillow that still smells like Chris close to his heart and pretends not to cry.